by Nikki Young
When Matt moves out from in front of me, I catch Adam’s steely glare. His face unyielding and cold and when he looks away quickly, everything in me feels his rejection. I swallow hard, but fail to compose myself enough. My hand shakes as I lift my drink from the bar and I can feel my face grow flushed.
“You okay, Leah?” Matt asks. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I chuckle a little as I slip my hand into the crook of Matt’s arm. “Guess you could say that, but I’m good, darling. Our table?” I ask as he leads the way.
We order and chat about work. Matt ultimately decides that he’s hiring a marketing team, but would like Cari and me to put together some advertising proposals for his team to review. He will be turning over the marketing portion of the job to his new team come mid-January and would like Cari and me to work hand in hand with them. Matt jokes about not being able to see me as frequently and something about his comment makes me embarrassed. I should find him attractive. He’s perfectly adorable, rich and overly nice, yet I can’t.
Just as our food is set down in front of us, the music that is quietly being piped throughout the restaurant begins playing David Gray’s “This Years Love”. I feel my stomach churn and my body is flooded with more emotions than I thought possible. Regret and insecurity, loneliness and sadness, worry, but most of all, the loss of love. The last place I want to be is in this restaurant with this song playing and knowing that Adam is somewhere nearby with another woman. The knot that has formed in my belly seems to grow larger with every word of the song. I look down at my food, the thought of eating disgusts me and no matter what I do I can’t seem to fill my lungs with enough air.
“Matt, will you excuse me for a minute?” I ask and leave quickly for the bathroom.
I push the door with more force than necessary and find myself hiding in the stall trying to subdue what seems to be a panic attack. My hands are shaking, my breathing is growing rapid and my heart begins to race. Why is he here? And why can’t I get over him?
Stepping out of the stall, I wash my hands slowly, trying to use the monotony of something so simple to calm myself. I need to end this dinner and get home to the comfort and quiet of my bed.
When I come out of the bathroom Adam is waiting for me. I walk past him without stopping and when he grabs my arm and pulls me toward him I gasp out loud. My hands begin to shake again. I can’t even look at him without a feeling of anxiety and apprehension filling my body. He didn’t want me. He walked away.
“Leah,” he says, but it booms in the quiet of the hallway. “Who are you here with?”
My eyebrows knit together when I look up at him. “That’s none of your business, Adam,” I reply knowing I’m being childish. “You lost that right when you walked away.” I turn to leave, but his grip tightens on my arm.
“It is my business, Leah,” he growls. “Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you.”
I interrupt before he can continue. “Looks like you’re doing just fine to me.” My tone condescending as I tip my head toward the doorway to the restaurant. Although I can’t see the blonde Adam came to the restaurant with, I can picture her exactly in my head. She’s everything I’m not.
Adam pulls me closer until both his hands are gripping my upper arms. His mouth is only inches from my face, but he leans even closer until I can feel his hot breath against my ear. My entire body shakes and the feeling of his closeness makes me want him to kiss me, to touch me, to remind me of everything I’m missing.
“Here’s the thing Leah,” he says roughly into my ear. “That girl in there is a warm body. But it doesn’t matter, because later tonight when I’m inside her, your face is the only one I’ll see.”
I’m both shocked and disgusted by his comment and when I finally regain my ability to speak, I’ve grown composed. His comment, a low blow that hits hard, but jolts me back to the fact that he’s not mine anymore. “Adam, you never called, you didn’t show up on my doorstep. I poured my heart out to you, I gave you all I had and yeah, I fucked up, but you chose to bail on me. Now leave me alone, I have to get back to my date.”
“No,” he says.
“Yes, Adam. Go home, fuck your girl and forget me. Because when you’re fucking her, I’ll be drinking myself to sleep.”
I yank myself from his grip and leave him standing in the hallway outside the bathroom.
I rejoin Matt at the table and finish our meal without Adam resurfacing or me breaking down. We kiss good-bye and I’m finally alone to obsess over seeing Adam.
The bus ride home is a blur, my thoughts entirely consumed with wondering where Adam is, what he’s doing, if he’s thinking about me, but most of all, if the woman from the restaurant is with him. If his hands are on her body, if he’s touching her, kissing, fucking her instead of me. It kills me; every thought is like a knife straight into my heart. I’m oblivious to everything around me. Thoughts of Adam take over and before I realize it, I’ve missed my stop. I exit at the next stop and hope the frigid air will clear my head. I walk the rest of the way home still foggy and devastated by his presence.
Arriving home, I’ve had far too much time to dwell on what happened at the restaurant and I can’t wait to tell Cari. I open the door, shouting to her over the sound of the TV.
“Cari, you’re never going to fucking believe what happened.” I stop dead. “What the hell are you doing here?” I ask not even trying to mask my feelings. “Where’s Cari?”
“She left. Thought we needed some space,” he says, and I want to scream out loud at just the sound of his voice.
“Damn traitor,” I mumble before turning my attention back to Adam. “You can’t be here. You had your chance. You can’t come back and fuck with me. I’m done.” I say it all quickly as if it’s one giant sentence, like I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t want him anymore. That I don’t need him, that I don’t love him.
“You don’t have any right to be angry at me,” he quips back roughly.
“The hell I don’t,” I answer back, but it comes out loud. “It’s been a month. The worst fucking month of my life, Adam. I laid it all out for you. I left you that message, I called, sent you text messages, made myself crazy and pathetic and desperate and you ignored me. And now you show up and say shit to me that you shouldn’t be saying.” Tears begin to pool in my eyes. I look away. He can’t see me like this. “I needed closure and you wouldn’t let me have it.” A soft sob leaves my lips and I wrap my arms around my waist.
Every day for the last month I lived as if I missed the ending to a movie. Like someone turned it off before I could find out what happens. Does he forgive her? Does he hate her? Did he ever really love her? It eats at you. Makes you dead inside and each morning you wake up with that feeling that something is missing. And you fall asleep knowing you may never find the answers you’re looking for. I already have that with my father’s death. I can only carry one burden.
“I’m not interested in closure,” he says and his comment only adds to my anger. He stands and makes his way over to where I’m standing. He can’t come any closer because my self-control is limited.
“This isn’t about you anymore. I know I fucked up and lied. I get it. Stop punishing me.” My voice is trembling and the tears begin to roll down my cheeks. “I can only take so much. You know what happened with my dad and you still left me wondering. When you didn’t call, when you ignored me…” I can’t finish the thought because Adam is now standing right in front of me. I put my hands against his chest and shove. He shifts backward slightly, but grabs hold of my wrists pulling me against him. “No!” I scream. “I loved you, Adam. I loved you more than anyone.” I twist my wrists trying to break free from his hold. He tightens his grip and I begin to cry harder. The tears flooding from my eyes and pouring down my cheeks.
Adam lets go of my wrists, but his arms wrap around me pulling me against his chest hard, my face buried in his shirt. I’m bawling and my whole body shakes with emotion. Sucking in a hard bre
ath after each sob. I manage to stutter out what I can at this point.
“I’m sorry, Adam. I’m so sorry.” I grip the bottom of his shirt, clinging to him as if I might never see him again. As if he might walk away from me.
Adam runs his hand along the back of my head and down my back roughly. I can feel his anger and his pain as his hand seizes my hip, holding on tightly until I feel his fingertips pressing into my skin. He buries his face in my neck, forcing my head to the side as his other hand comes up to clutch my hair. Knotting his fingers, he tugs and I whimper. I feel his erratic, labored breathing warm on my neck and the combination of the two makes me long for him to touch me.
“I know you are,” Adam murmurs. “I’m sorry, too, Leah. I was acting like a child. I knew what ignoring you would do to you.” His lips grazing my ear as he speaks, causes me to tremble at his words. When he trails his mouth down my neck, I feel myself begin to cry all over again. He overwhelms me and being away from him made my body physically ache and the pain has yet to recede.
My arms snake around his waist. I don’t want to let him go. I take a deep breath taking in his smell. It’s an amazingly calming scent that I’ve missed terribly. Everything about it makes me think of love and being loved. He smells of pine trees and cinnamon and I close my eyes hoping for the day when this smell will belong to me.
“You should have told me,” he says after a few seconds.
“I know. I was going to,” I respond back. “I wanted to.”
“I can’t be angry with you anymore, Leah. It’s killing me. It’s made me numb for the last four weeks. I’ve never felt this way about someone and each day that I spent without you was sheer misery.” He swallows hard and I feel it against my head. “I tried everything to move on, but I realized when I saw you tonight that I don’t want to. I didn’t want that girl at the restaurant, I never did. I couldn’t have sex with her, because it’s always been you. I don’t want closure. I want you.”
He takes my face in his hands forcing me to look at him. I close my eyes, not ready for what I know is coming. My stomach begins to flutter as Adam whispers, “Open your eyes, Leah.” When my eyes meet his, my heart is hammering in my chest.
Adam runs his thumb over my lips and trails it over my cheek, wiping away the fallen tears. I feel my face flush at his touch and look down briefly before Adam settles his hand under my chin. He tips my face up and he smiles softly.
“I love you, Leah,” he says before he kisses me. When his lips touch mine, everything in my body ignites. I’m hypersensitive to his touch, his fingers touching my cheek, running along my neck and down my ribs, his hand stopping at my hip and gripping it tightly. It feels as if my skin is on fire, a path burned everywhere he’s touched. I’ve missed the feeling of his body against mine, the touch of his hands, the way he says my name, but most of all, the way I feel loved when he’s near me.
Adam pulls away and rests his forehead against mine. He smiles gently and says, “This is me never walking away again.” And my heart melts.
“I love you, too, Adam. So much it hurts.”
The feeling of emptiness that I carried with me for the last month disappears. I feel whole again and my breathing becomes slow and even, as if he’s taken all my pain away. I feel my heart mend, become whole again, but not just the part that was broken when I lost Adam. I feel every missing piece fall into place as if Adam was meant to heal me. I used to think I’d never be whole again, that I’d live with a permanent scar on my heart, an unhealed wound. That small flaw is what allowed Adam in. It will always remain, but now instead of being a source of pain, it reminds me that my past is real. It shows me that when you find the right person it doesn’t matter that the heart is breakable. What matters is who is there to put it back together. My past left an opening to create one of the most beautiful parts of my life, my future with Adam. My head falls back, eyes closed. I feel Adam’s lips against my neck and it makes everything right again.
“Take me to bed,” I tell him in a soft voice.
Opening my eyes, a wicked smile appears on Adam’s face and he bends down grabbing me around the waist and tossing me over his shoulder. I’m laughing and when he slaps my ass, I laugh even harder. He stops at the entrance to the bedroom, kicking the door closed behind us. Setting me down, Adam makes quick work of his shoes as I slip off my shirt and pants. When Adam sees me his eyes widen and I giggle. I begin to walk toward him but he puts his hand up stopping me.
“Don’t move,” he says roughly and I stop and begin to chew my bottom lip. Why doesn’t he want me to come closer? “I just want to look at you.” He smirks and looks me up and down. “It’s been too fucking long, Leah.” I wait another second before I push him against the bedroom door and claim his mouth.
I can’t get enough of him or him of me. His hands explore my body, touching every inch of bare flesh as if he’s never felt me before. His hands slide up the length of my body, his fingers grazing my ribs. They follow back down the same path, splaying his hands across my stomach before they trail up toward my breast, brushing the underside gently. He makes me shudder and I moan.
He runs his hand up my back, pausing when he reaches my neck; he combs his fingers through my hair. Returning to tangle his fingers there, he pulls my head to the side roughly, but there’s nothing painful about it. Pulling harder until my neck is fully exposed to him. It’s erotic and dominating. He owns my body. He owns me.
Running his teeth along my bared neck as I press my body against him, he reaches my ear and growls in a low, sensual murmur, “Leah, I need to be inside you.”
“Adam,” I moan back. “Please.”
Within seconds he’s turning me around and I’m slamming against the bedroom door. He’s rough with me and I feel my body respond, desperate for him to touch me, I’m wet. When he spreads my thighs with his leg, I grind myself against him, needing relief from the ache that has taken over. Adam senses my desperation and kneels in front of me. His hands grip my thighs tightly, spreading my legs wide as he runs his tongue up the inside of my leg.
My breathing is erratic and my heart is pounding wildly against my chest. Everywhere he touches feels like my skin is on fire. It’s screaming for relief as the sensation finds its way to just one part of my body.
Squirming, as I try to convey just what I need. Adam runs his fingers between my thighs, only lightly brushing against me, making the need worse.
“Adam, please,” I beg.
He grabs my hips forcefully pulling me against his mouth. My head falls back, hitting the door. Adam stops and I nearly collapse, as I’m left feeling deprived and desperate. I slip my hand between my legs, but Adam clutches my wrist, pinning it against the door.
I cry out, as he forcefully says, “No, Leah. This is mine.”
“Adam, I need you,” I wail, my words laced with anguish. I’m aching for him.
“Watch, Leah,” he says as he stares up at me, his eyes locking with mine.
And I do. I watch as he finally gives me what I need.
My body becomes loose and I feel like I can’t stand on my own. My head falls back against the door again, eyes closed, I’m exhausted. My chest is heaving as Adam stands and pulls me toward him. His arms wrapping tightly around my waist, he trails a line of kisses along my collarbone and up my neck. I feel every nerve in my body take notice as he whispers hoarsely into my ear.
“It’s been four weeks since I’ve had you. I’m going to wear you out.” He runs his teeth along my neck before biting softly, making me groan. He releases me and I want to cry out in protest. I need to feel him against me.
“Bend over the bed, Leah,” he says dominantly and I do as he says.
My heart is beating thick and heavy in my chest, the sound making its way into my ears, a rhythmic thumping that only continues to increase in intensity. Adam’s hand skims my ass and I tremble at his touch. Both hands stop on my hips, grabbing, he pulls me back so I’m pressed against him. Desire and the need to have him inside me build
and I become frantic, forcing myself against him even harder. Looking over my shoulder at him, his eyes filled with lust and want and need, I lick my lips and watch his pupils grow large. Adam pushes into me and lets out a breathy, “Fuck,” as he begins to move slowly at first. His strength and need take over as he clutches my hips forcefully and begins to fuck me hard. Both of us are moaning and when Adam says my name, I grow more needy, calling his name and pressing against him just as hard.
We finish together, both of us breathing heavily as Adam gently kisses down the length of my back. His hands trail over each spot his lips touch and when he slides out of me, I roll over. I stretch out on the bed, my arms above my head. Adam leans over me taking my wrists in one hand pinning them above me. Stepping between my legs, I feel him and it’s all I need. He releases my wrists and I pull him on top of me, wrapping my arms around him knowing that without my hands on his body I might just die. I can’t get close enough to him. Even when he’s inside me it’s not close enough.
“Adam,” I whimper and drag my lips along his neck.
“Yes, baby,” he says sweetly, running his fingertips along my over sensitized skin.
My words come out ragged. “I’m exhausted.”
“I know you are, but I’m not done.” He closes his eyes, a small smile on his lips as he shakes his head. When he opens his eyes, they bore into mine, almost fully gray, only a small trace of blue left, yet still filled with need. “I need to make love to you, Leah.”
His hand slides down my leg, stopping at my knee, he pushes my leg up and I wrap it around his hip. I can feel him against me and no matter how tired I am; I need him. I feel him enter me and I groan out his name.
“Nice and slow,” he whispers.
“I need you, Adam.”
