by Jim Benton
So, Isabella said that Emmily had given her
an idea. In the same way that Emmily had questions
about boys, she figured that other girls at our
school might have questions about boys. Using
my new superpowers, I could answer them. For
a price.
The problem was going to be that we needed
to conduct the operation so that nobody knew who
was answering the questions. We’d need a partner
to be the face of the operation. To work, this plan
would require that we first determine who the
absolute brightest girl in the school was.
And then make sure that she never talked to
Emmily, who was going to be our partner.
We laid it out for her like this: She would go
around and collect questions, and then she would
give them to Isabella, who would ask her brothers
for the answers. That’s what we told Emmily,
anyway. Really it would be me answering the
questions. (Isabella’s brothers wouldn’t give her the
answers anyway. They wouldn’t give her anything
better than a bruise.)
Emmily was to charge one dollar per
question.
By the end of the day, Emmily had only
collected three questions, but it was just the first
day. Here they are, along with the answers my
superpowers gave me:
A Girl Asks: Why do boys like to wrestle and fight
each other all the time?
My Superpower Answer: For boys, winning
at fighting is like having the coolest shoes or the
best-looking nails.
AGA: Why do boys love video games so much more
than girls do?
MSA: In a boy, violence occupies the same place
that loveliness occupies in a girl. Until they program
a video game that is operated by loveliness, girls
won’t like them as much.
AGA: Jake is probably the strongest boy in our
class. Pound for pound, do you think there are any
toothed animals nearby that are stronger?
MSA:
My superpowers had nothing for this last one.
I asked Isabella whose question it was, and she said
she couldn’t read Emmily’s printing. Guess that’s
one dollar we aren’t making off my powers.
Thursday 19
Dear Dumb Diary,
I know that we need a visual aid for our ant
report, but I’m beginning to feel guilty about
keeping these ants bottled up. It’s hard for me to
even look them in the eye anymore. Their
kajillion teeny, accusing eyes.
I saw Hudson at my locker today, looking cute
in an eighthish sort of way, and he was saying
something about the Fun Fair but I wasn’t really
paying attention because my superpowers told me
it was something like, “Would you ask Angeline if
she’s going to the fair and if she is would she hang
out with me unless that would be all weird or derp
derp derp?”
Really, Hudson, if you have something to ask
Angeline, go ask her. Please don’t take up my time
making me not pay attention to what you’re saying.
For your information, I have more important things
to not pay attention to.
Angeline asked us if we were the ones sending
Emmily around collecting questions. Since we think
of Angeline as almost a friend, we told her it was
true because Emmily already had.
We told her that Isabella’s brothers were
giving us the answers. Angeline didn’t believe us
until Isabella explained that for each answer
they give her, her brothers are permitted to expel
one large spit upon her. Angeline recognized
that arrangement as a likely one, and accepted
the story.
Here are a few more of the questions that
Isabella collected from Emmily today:
A Girl Asks: Why are you handsome boys always
jerks?
My Superpower Answer: We aren’t. You just
notice it more when we’re handsome because you’re
so surprised to find that the inside isn’t as nice as
the outside. It’s like biting into a chocolate and
discovering a toad inside when you’re expecting a
delicious cherry. The truth is, anybody can have a
toad center, or a cherry center. And there are even
poisonous, exploding toad centers, and cherries
that are full of more cherries. That’s probably why
we give girls boxes of assorted chocolates: to
remind them of this fact without coming out and
saying it, which is something we don’t feel
comfortable doing about things.
AGA: Emmily, who is putting you up to this? Is it
Isabella? Or Jamie? Stop writing that down. I’m not
really asking a question.
MSA: Okay. We know that Angeline asked that
and I already answered her. (Technically, she owes
us a buck.)
AGA: Look, I need to know. Is there anybody
around stronger than Jake? You don’t know me.
MSA: I have been getting a lot of questions from
different girls about Jake, so you should know you
aren’t the only girl who’s interested in him. I think
he’s the strongest boy in our school, but I feel that
you really should consider some other qualities. For
example, you might like a boy whose neck is not as
big around as his head.
Friday 20
Dear Dumb Diary,
Today I saw Isabella talking to Jake, and she
offered him a piece of gum. This is pretty
significant because Isabella has a relationship
with gum. No matter how hard she gnaws it, the
gum doesn’t bite her back, and she loves it for that.
I always thought of gum as a boy that Isabella was
dating —ten to twenty minutes at a time.
But not anymore. When I saw Jake take that
piece of bubble gum, I knew that she had been the
one asking thosequestions about him.
Only love would make her share gum. Only
love would make her clap while he blew a big bubble.
Only love would make her pop it so hard that she
poked her finger almost down his throat.
Okay. Maybe the poking part is difficult to
interpret. But Isabella is new to this. She’s just
opening her heart to the possibility of love and
almost making somebody gag in the hall.
When she saw me watching, she wiped
the gum off her finger onto his shirt and walked
quickly away.
She’s such a flirt.
I’ve decided not to question Isabella too
much about this, for two reasons:
One, I’m afraid that if I embarrass her, I
might injure the fragile, delicate part of her heart
that is exploring love for the first time. Two, she
might injure the fragile, delicate part of my heart
that is pumping my blood.
Saturday 21
Dear Dumb Diary,
I started bright and early with the bottle-
toss practice today, which means I spent forty-five
minutes throwing the balls to Stinkette in the yard
while Stinker went nut
s trying to get them first.
Stinker tries hard to get the ball, because he’s
naturally greedy and demanding by nature,
but he is also old and tubby by nature, and I kept
throwing it into Stinkette’s mouth every time.
Eventually, Stinker tipped over in slow
motion, like a statue of a much larger, solid
concrete beagle. Then Angeline jumped over the
fence and into the yard, because I guess she had
been watching me for a while.
“It’s really not nice to spy on people,” I said.
“It’s really not nice to give your beagle a
heart attack,” she said back.
I informed her that he didn’t have a heart
attack. He just faints like that when he’s mad that
he’s not getting his way.
“Look,” I said, sticking my pinkie in Stinker’s
nostril. Instantly, he was up and on his feet and
sneezing all over the place. “I think it’s his reset
button, I don’t know. Anyway, it stops him from
faking. Try it on your dog or grandma if you think
they’re faking.”
Angeline said she had come over to help me
practice for the bottle toss. I couldn’t ask Isabella,
and Emmily wasn’t much help —every time I missed,
I had to spend, like, ten minutes cheering her up.
So I accepted Angeline’s offer, even though I
still believe there was some spying going on.
I didn’t manage to knock over any bottles,
but I did get very close one time — although at the
actual fair, I doubt that Angeline will let me bounce
it off her that way.
Angeline asked me about Hudson, and if I
knew who he wanted to meet up with. I said of
course I knew. (Duh. He makes it pretty clear.
I guess she was just checking to see if it bothered
me that my probable future husband was in love
with her.)
She was surprised when I told her that
Isabella is deeply in love with Jake, so it would be
nice if she wouldn’t be attractive around him until
he falls in love with Isabella and then she can do her
blond thing again.
It may sound like there is still a small amount
of envy there, but like I said before, I really don’t
hate Angeline anymore. We’re practically
friends, although I can’t imagine it would kill her
to slouch around Hudson and have bad breath.
It’s something I would do for a friend.
Sunday 22
Dear Dumb Diary,
Emmily called today and said that she had
more questions, but they were all from her dad, who
asked them just to be nice so we could make a few
dollars. I told her that I guessed that would be okay
and she read me his questions:
Emmily’s Dad, Pretending to Be a Girl,
Asks: Why is Emmily so sweet?
My Superpower Answer: Uh. I don’t know, Mr.
Emmily’s Dad. She just is.
ED, PTBAG, A: Isn’t Emmily so very pretty?
MSA: Very pretty. We all like Emmily, but these
aren’t real questions.
ED, PTBAG, A: Emmily is like a princess. Don’t
you agree?
MSA: Tell Emmily to give you your three bucks back.
I’m starting to think that I’m not going to be
able to use my superpowers to make money. This is
probably why superheroes all have normal
identities, so they can actually make a living.
Monday 23
Dear Dumb Diary,
Of all the people in the world, it was
Isabella that talked Emmily into asking Jake to
meet her at the fair.
It went something like this: Isabella walked
up to Jake and told him that Emmily thought it
would be really cool if they hung out at the fair, and
since Emmily’s dad was working the concession
booth, he’d give Jake all the popcorn he wanted.
Emmily was very surprised to hear that her
dad was working the concession booth since he was
going to be out of town that whole week, and
Isabella explained that it was a surprise so she
shouldn’t ask him or anybody in authority about it.
A lie, of course, and a pretty beautiful one
considering that Isabella has been in love with Jake
for weeks. It is beyond me why she would —OH.
MY.GOSH.IN.CAPITAL.LETTERS.
Again, Isabella just amazes me. Isabella, in
spite of her feelings for Jake, is stepping aside and
bringing him and Emmily together, because she
knows that it is their destiny.
I wish I could tell her what a beautiful,
sensitive, loving soul she has, but I’m certain it
would get me punched in the neck.
Tuesday 24
Dear Dumb Diary,
Lots of the ants have died, and I decided to
leave the jar open outside and let the living ones
go free. I don’t really want to turn in a jar of dead
ants with our homework, but if we don’t use
them now, they will have died for nothing. I’m afraid
that much drama would force me to write a play
about them.
I watched Isabella watch Jake at lunch today.
As I did, I noticed that Hudson was watching me
watch her, and Angeline was watching him watch
me, and Emmily was watching the corn on her plate.
My superpowers told me that Hudson is
crazy about Angeline, and Isabella is crazy
about Jake, and Emmily is crazy. My superpowers
are truly becoming stronger and soon, I’m sure
I will understand why males want to watch sports
so much.
When I got home, the jar just had dead ants
inside. I suspect that the living ones saw that the lid
was open and made a break for it. They didn’t
even take the Cap’n Crunch with them.
When word of this gets back to the rest of the
ant community, I’ll bet the ant scientists that
are working on how to avoid getting stepped on by
five-year-olds will also be working on a way to avoid
giant blonds coming at them with jars.
Wednesday 25
Dear Dumb Diary,
I finished our ant report today. I included
everything, even the part about letting the living
ones go free. I’m still not an ant fan, but I hate
them less now. I think I understand them better.
Emmily would not shut up about learning to
glitterize, so I gave her just the cover of the
report, after I outlined the title. I explained exactly
how to put the glue down and shake the glitter onto
it, and I’m pretty sure she’ll be fine.
I asked Emmily if she wanted to decorate the
dead ant jar as well. Maybe it won’t be as
depressing if she adds a little bling.
Hudson called after dinner, but I didn’t call
him back since I know he was just going to ask me
questions about Angeline and her beauty and her
personality and all of that stuff. Nothing against
Hudson, but he really has to come up with better
things for me to assume he wants to talk about.
Thursday 26
Dear Dumb Diar
y,
Isabella saved a life today.
Let me explain.
At lunch, she wanted to sit at the table where
Jake and Emmily were eating, so she dragged me
along. Isabella sat down right next to Jake. (She’s
still a little in love.) Emmily was sitting right across
from him.
Isabella was staring so intently at Jake that
he clearly started to get uncomfortable. I wasn’t
sure he was even going to finish his third serving of
meat loaf, or horse meat, as he now believes it to be.
Every once in a while, Emmily would say
something totally Emmilish, like, “Why don’t they
grow more foods on the cob? That’s the most fun
way to eat corn. They should put everything on
cobs.” Then Jake would laugh, of course, because
that’s all you can do when Emmily says something
like that: You either laugh or suggest she gets
some tests.
One of the times Jake laughed, he started to
cough a little, and that’s when Isabella saved his life.
By sticking her finger in his mouth.
I’ve had Isabella’s finger in my mouth many
times. Whenever I yawn, Isabella loves to quickly
stick her finger in my mouth to disrupt it in mid-
yawn. Isabella is also not above reaching into your
mouth for gum if it’s your last piece and you just
put it in there.
But as familiar as I am with her finger in
my mouth, I have to tell you, you never really get
used to it.
And for Jake, this was a first.
He sputtered and coughed harder and
sprayed Emmily with what was essentially aerosol
meat loaf. He could only remove Isabella’s finger
after several minutes of intense struggle, because
it seemed as though she intended to keep it in there
for good, and Isabella is pretty strong.
When he finally got it out, Isabella announced
that he was okay, and that she had succeeded in
