by Maisey Yates
Cassandra laughed, soft and sympathetic. “Join the club. Believe me. Nobody is more afraid than me. I mean, maybe you. But it’s hard. It’s hard to open yourself up again. I think so... I think you already did. I think you’re already in love. So don’t keep yourself from it. That’s not protecting yourself. That’s just punishing yourself. And if that’s what you’re really doing...you need to stop.”
“How?” he asked. “How am I supposed to stop punishing myself when I’m here and she’s gone? When I couldn’t protect her? How am I supposed to move on from that?”
When Cassandra spoke again, her voice was small. “You have to move on from it, Knox, because she isn’t here anymore. And as little as either of us could do for her when she was ill, there’s nothing we can do for her now. There’s nothing you can do by holding on to your grief. She doesn’t need you anymore. She doesn’t need this from you.”
He couldn’t speak. His throat was too tight, his chest was too tight and everything hurt.
“Selena needs you,” Cassandra continued. “The child you’re going to have with her needs you. And you’re going to have to figure out a way to be there for her, for this child, or you really aren’t the man I met all those years ago.”
He couldn’t speak after that. And Cassandra let him off the hook, saying goodbye and hanging up the phone.
Because he wasn’t that man. He wasn’t. He didn’t know how to be. He didn’t want to be. He was changed. Hollowed out and scarred. Like a forest that had been ravaged by wildfire, leaving behind nothing but dead, charred wood.
Selena needed him.
Cassandra’s words continued to echo through him. Selena needed him. Not Eleanor. Eleanor was gone, and it was unfair. But there was nothing he could do about it but grieve. And he knew he would do that for all of his life. There was no way to let go of something like that. Not truly. But maybe there was a way to learn to live. To live with the grief inside of you, to allow good memories to come back in and take residence alongside the pain.
To let love be there next to it, too.
Maybe moving on wasn’t about being the man he used to be. Maybe it was about doing what Selena had said. Maybe it was about making something new out of the broken pieces.
Selena needed him. Their baby needed him.
He was beginning to suspect he needed Selena, too. That without her he was going to sink into the darkness forever.
The question was whether or not he wanted to let in the light.
* * *
Selena had gone to the doctor to confirm her pregnancy after securing someone else’s canceled appointment, and then had gone to Paradise Farms to visit Scarlett and see how baby Carl was doing. While she watched her bright-eyed friend play with her new baby, Selena felt a strange mix of pain and hope.
She had made choices to protect her baby. To protect this little life growing inside of her that she already loved so much.
Watching Scarlett brought it all into full Technicolor. Made impending motherhood feel real.
“Do you like it?”
“What?” Scarlett asked, looking up from Carl’s play.
“Being a mother.”
“That’s a funny question.”
Selena lifted a shoulder. “I’m in a funny mood. Indulge me.”
“Yes. Although there are periods where I’m so tired I just want to lie on the floor and sleep.” She shifted her hold on the baby and looked down at him, smiling. “And I have done that. Believe me. Sometimes I ask myself why I made this choice. Why I decided to have a baby before I had a life. But...I do like it. Adopting Carl has been the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. Even though sometimes it’s really hard. But I love him. And adding love to your life is never a bad thing.”
Selena tapped the side of her mug of tea, looking out the window. “I like that. It’s adding love.”
“And a lot of work,” Scarlett said. “Are you thinking about adopting?”
Her friend was likely joking, judging by the lightness in her tone. Because Selena had never given any indication she had an interest in adopting a baby. In fact, she was probably the least maternal person Scarlett knew. There was no way to ease her friend into this. No way to broach the subject gently.
So Selena figured it was time to drop the bombshell. “No, I’m not thinking of adopting. I’m pregnant.”
Scarlett stared at Selena in shocked silence, opening and closing her mouth like a fish that had been chucked onto dry land. When she finally recovered her ability to speak, it came out as a shocked squeak. “What?”
Selena looked down into her teacup. Tea leaves were supposed to tell the future. Her Yorkshire Gold only contained the reflection of her own downtrodden expression. “It happened on the camping trip.”
“Damn,” Scarlett said. “I guess those tents really are romantic.”
“Romance wasn’t required,” Selena said, grimacing. “It was more than a decade of pent-up lust.”
She sighed and leaned back on the couch. “But he’s not ready for this. He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
Scarlett frowned. “He doesn’t? That’s just... I don’t know him that well, but everything I do know about him suggests that he’s a better man than that.”
“He is,” Selena said. “He’s a good man. But he’s also a scared man. He’s not doing a very good job of handling his fear. It just got all messed up. I found out I was pregnant the night we were at the gala fundraiser for the charity his ex-wife created in honor of their daughter. He freaked out. And I kind of don’t blame him. The night was an emotional marathon.”
Her eyes filled with tears, and her throat felt strange, like she had swallowed a sword, making it painful to breathe. “I only just found out I was pregnant and I got it confirmed today. And while I was sitting there waiting for the lab results to come in I just... It already hurt to think that I might lose the baby. That maybe I wasn’t really pregnant or something had gone wrong with the first test. I don’t even have a little person to hold in my arms yet and my love is so big. Knox lost a child... I’m angry at him for hurting me. But I can’t fathom what he’s gone through, the grief he feels. And as much as he deserves it, I can’t even hate him for walking away.”
“You don’t need to hate him,” Scarlett said. “You might need to punch him in the junk.”
“I don’t want to do that either. Okay. I want to do it a little bit. But I just... I’ll do this parenthood thing by myself. You’re doing it, right? I’ll raise the baby. I can take care of us. I have plenty of money. My child is never going to want for anything.”
Scarlett looked down at Carl and stroked a finger over his downy cheek. “You’re going to be a good mother.”
“You say that with a lot of confidence.”
“Because I know you. You’ll probably be tired, and you’ll probably make mistakes. I know I’m making mistakes all the time. But it all comes back to the love. Love covers a whole lot of things, Selena. I truly believe that.”
“I just wish love could cover this.” Tears she hadn’t even been aware of began to slide down her cheeks. “I love Knox so much. I want him. For me. For the baby. But I also just wish he could have had a different life. Even if it meant losing him, I would give him a different life. But there’s nothing I can do to ease his grief.”
“Sure there is,” Scarlett said, looking surprised.
“What?”
“Go after him.”
Like it was the most obvious thing. And maybe to her fearless, confident friend, it was. But Selena was different. She didn’t think she could survive getting turned down again.
“He doesn’t want me to go after him,” she said. “He walked away. He said he couldn’t be a father to this baby. He said he didn’t love me.”
Scarlett shook her head. “Because fear makes you stupid. And that’s exactly what he’s letting h
appen. But you’re letting him hide. You’re letting him give in to it. Don’t let him. Or at least make him tell you no again. Come on, Selena. He can be a coward all he wants, but you’re not a coward. Make him look you in the eye in the light of day and say he doesn’t want you or the baby. Make him tell you he doesn’t love you. And then make him tell you he’s not just saying no because he’s afraid.”
Selena’s heart thundered faster. It hadn’t even occurred to her that it might not be over. That there might be something she could do to fix this. “But if he rejects me...”
“Then he rejects you.” Scarlett shrugged, looking pragmatic about it.
Selena closed her eyes. “I never wanted to be that woman. That woman who was such a fool over a man. My mother... She stayed with my father even though he was awful. Even after she left him, she missed him. The man who abused her, Scarlett—she said she missed him. I just don’t... I don’t want to be that person.”
Scarlett frowned. “I can understand that. Really. But you know, hopefully, if you go make a fool of yourself for him, he’ll make a fool of himself for you at some point, too. If you’re going to be together for your whole lives, then there should be a lot of chances for both of you to chase each other down. For both of you to be idiots over love. I guess that’s the big difference, right? Your mother was the one doing all of the giving, and your father did all of the taking.”
Selena bit her lip. “It would never be like that with Knox.”
“Well, there you go,” Scarlett said, extending her arm out wide. “It’s not the same.”
Selena shook her head and sighed deeply. “No. I guess it’s not.” She put her hand on her stomach. “I don’t feel in any way emotionally prepared for this.”
“Well, good,” Scarlett said, laughing. “Because if you did, I would have to break it to you that you’re actually not. It would be up to me to tell you that you are in no way prepared. No matter what you might think.”
“It’s that different?”
Scarlett nodded. “Harder. Better, too.”
Like love in general, Selena supposed.
She stood up, wobbling slightly, her balance off. She blamed the last few days.
“I have to go,” Selena said.
“Where to?”
“I have to fly to Wyoming.”
Thirteen
Knox had spent the rest of the day hungover and then had spent the next day working out on the ranch. Doing what he could to exhaust himself mentally and emotionally while he got all his thoughts together.
He had been pretty determined about what he wanted to do regarding Selena, but he had to be sure he was going to say the right thing. Because when you told a woman you didn’t want her you had to prepare a pretty epic grovel.
He wasn’t going to do anything to cause Selena more pain than he already had. And he had a lot of digging to do to find the right words. Through the dark and dusty places inside of himself.
He’d been restless and edgy in the house, and he’d decided to go out for a ride on the property. He urged his horse onward through the field, and he continued on to the edge of his favorite mountain. One with jagged rocks capped in snow that reached up toward the sky, like it was trying to touch heaven. Something he wished he could do often enough.
He wasn’t a man who liked graveyards. But then, he supposed no one did. He just didn’t find any peace in them. No, he found peace out here. With nature. That was when he felt closest with Ellie.
He looked around at the wildflowers that were blooming, little pops of purple and yellow against the green. Life. There was life all around him. A life to be lived. A life to enjoy. Maybe even a life to love, in spite of all the pain.
It was like that picture of Ellie. Sitting right here in this field surrounded by flowers.
He knew he wouldn’t find her here, and yet he’d needed to come to this place. He’d avoided riding out here for the past two years.
Today had seemed like the day to go again. The last time he’d ridden out to this field, the last time he’d seen this view, he was a different man with a different future.
A man who’d known who he was and where he was going.
Now he was a man alone. Struggling to figure out what came next. If he could heal. If he wanted to heal.
An image of Selena flashed into his mind, of her hurt and heartbreak that night in the hotel room. She needed him. She needed him now.
Selena wasn’t gone. Selena was here. And they could be together.
“I’ve got to figure out how to find some happiness, baby,” he said, whispering the words into the silence. Whispering the words like a prayer. “I’m never going to forget you. I’m never going to stop loving you. But I’m going to learn how to love some other people, too. I’m going to take some steps forward. That doesn’t mean leaving you behind. I promise.”
He closed his eyes and waited, letting the silence close in around him. Letting himself just be still. Not working. Not struggling or fighting. Just existing. In the moment and with all the pain that moment carried.
The breeze swirled around him and he kept his eyes closed, smelling the flowers and the snow, crisp on the air as it blew down from the mountaintop.
That was assurance. Blessed assurance.
Letting go didn’t mean forgetting. Moving forward wasn’t leaving behind.
And in that moment, as he took a breath of the air that contained both the promise of spring and the bite of winter, he realized it was the same inside of him, too. That he could contain all of it. That he could hold on to that chill. That he could welcome the promise of new life.
There was room for all the love. For the bitter. For the sweet. For everything in between. There was no limit, as long as he didn’t set it.
He knew what love could take away. He also knew what it could give. He had despaired of that for so long. That there were no mysteries left available to him. That he knew all about the heights of love and the lows of loss.
But he realized now that he had the most powerful love yet ahead.
The love he chose to give, in spite of the knowledge of the cost.
He just had to be brave enough to take hold of it.
He got down off his horse and bent to pick the brightest, boldest yellow wildflower. He held it between his thumb and forefinger. Ellie’s flower. Just like in that picture. He stroked his thumb over one petal and a smile touched his lips.
He put the flower in his shirt pocket, just over his heart, and looked at the view all around him. A view he hadn’t allowed himself to enjoy since he’d lost his daughter. A place that was full of good memories. Good memories he’d shut away so they couldn’t hurt him.
But they were part of him. Part of his life. Part of her life. And he wanted them. Wanted to be able to think of her and smile sometimes. Wanted to be able to remember the joy loving her had given him, not just the sorrow.
That was what he’d forgotten. How much joy came with love. Of course, you couldn’t choose what you got. Couldn’t take the good without risking the bad.
But you could choose love. And he was ready to do that.
It was time to walk forward. Into the known and the unknown.
And as long as Selena would have him, he had a feeling it was going to be okay.
He closed his eyes and faced the breeze again, let it kiss his face. Then he mounted the horse and took off at a gallop across the field, heading back toward the homestead.
He got his horse put away and strode out toward the front of the house. He needed to get his private plane fired up, because he had to get back to Texas, and he had to get back fast.
After what he had said to her, a phone call wasn’t enough. He needed to go and find her. And he needed to tell her. To tell her he was sorry. To tell her they could do this. They could be together.
To tell her that he was done run
ning.
There was something big, something fierce expanding in his chest. Something he hadn’t felt in a long time.
Joy.
Selena.
And almost as if those feelings had brought her out of thin air, he looked up when he reached the front of his house and there she was. Standing in the center of the driveway, looking small and pale and a little bit lost. Selena Jacobs didn’t do lost, and he had a feeling he was the cause of that desolate look on her face.
His heart clenched tight, guilt and love pouring through him.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
She lifted her chin. “I came to get you.”
“You can’t be here to get me. I was about to get on a plane to go get you.”
Her bottom lip wobbled. “What?”
“I don’t know what you’re here for, Selena. But you have to hear me out first. Because I have to tell you. I have to tell you about everything I’ve realized. It’s been a hell of a time.”
“Yeah,” she said, her tone dry. “You’re telling me.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry that I hurt both of us, but most especially you. I’m sorry that I did so much damage. I was afraid to move on. Because...because of the guilt. I just... The guilt and the fear. It isn’t that I don’t want the baby. It isn’t that I don’t love you. I do. I want you, and our baby, so much I ache with it. I want so much that it scares me, Selena, because I haven’t wanted a damn thing in years. I haven’t let myself want anything. Not even food. Because wanting, needing, loving, in my experience has meant devastation. I can’t come up with another excuse. It’s just that. I am so afraid that I might lose you someday. That if I love you too much, want to hold you too close, that something will happen, and I’ll have to face that dark tunnel again. I couldn’t survive it, baby. I couldn’t. You’ve meant everything to me for a long time. And now, wanting you as a lover, loving you as a woman, I know that the loss of you would destroy me. The loss of our life. The loss of our child...
“But I can’t live that way. I can’t live in fear. I can’t live holding on to only bad feelings to try and protect myself.”
