"I wondered where the kids were," Laura said. "Did they go for breakfast or something?"
Justin and Julie appeared in the doorway. They both looked mutinous, caps askew, coats still buttoned and backpacks dangling from their fingers.
Helen's mind was instantly filled with terrorist attacks and pandemics. "What's wrong? What happened?"
"Mom." Julie gritted her teeth.
"It's winter break." Justin snorted.
Julie added, "There's no school."
Laura burst out into near-hysterical laughter.
"Oh my Lord!" Helen clapped her hands to her face. "I completely forgot."
"It's not funny," Justin said. "I could have slept in."
Laura, between chortles, managed to say, "Just as well. Everybody's up so we can get to cleaning."
"No way," Julie said. "I don't want to spend the first day of winter break up to my elbows in dirty dishes."
Laura went off into peals again.
"I'm so sorry," Helen said. She was glad to see Laura laughing. She loved the sound of it.
Calming somewhat, Laura pointed out, "But that's why we're not on a plane home right now, remember? We don't leave until tomorrow."
It was all coming back to Helen. Clearly, she should have started the day with coffee-at least she had the excuse that the schedule board was hidden behind the stacks of empty crates for the rented china. It was also abundantly clear that she and Laura were not going to finish their conversation even though she felt as if her heart were outside of her body, ready to be sliced open if Laura decided leaving was the only safe thing for her to do. She had been so frightened last night-would she run? Couldn't Helen convince her that it was safe to stay?
She desperately wanted to convince Laura to stay.
"Okay. Duly noted that some people don't want to do chores. I don't either. Laura has earned a day off, too."
Laura was shaking her head. "If we all pitch in for twenty minutes, we'll be done getting the rented stuff ready for return. They're coming at ten. I don't know who put the food away last night, but that was the worst of it."
"Cass and I did it," Helen said. "Perhaps not too carefully."
"We'll have most of it for dinner," Laura said. "There's a whole plate of that scrumptious yellowfin just waiting and I am not letting it go to waste. We could have bought a small island in the Pacific for what it cost."
Helen eyed the pouting children. They had every right to be upset with her. However, there were limits to her guilt. "Neither of you remembered either."
Julie became the spokesperson. "That's because we turned off our alarms and then someone woke up our bodies while our brains were still sleeping."
Helen couldn't help but laugh. "That'll get you…sightseeing. I think we should pick something we've not seen and just go. Statue of Liberty? 30 Rock? MOMA, maybe? And then we'll find treats somewhere."
"Don't you have meetings?" Justin looked dubious but hopeful at the word treats.
Helen glanced at Laura. "Helen the Mom is going to have Helen the Diva get her out of her obligations for the day. I will make them up before I come home on Friday as scheduled. Deal?"
The kids slouched off to their rooms. Laura was standing at the sink, hands on hips as if she were about to turn in her robe for battle armor.
Helen rolled up her sleeves and said softly, "We'll talk later?"
"I need to think," Laura said.
"But you'll come with us on an adventure today?"
She only nodded as she reached for the first stack of plates.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
The old-fashioned elevator, with a seated attendant calling out the stops, had an impressive enough lift that Laura's stomach dropped. It wasn't a roller coaster, but her heart was lurching around in her chest enough that it might well have been. Maybe it wasn't the ride at all, but the fact that Helen was pressed next to her in the crowded car and the knowledge that so far, Helen wasn't pushing her out of her life. She'd been somber and careful during their conversation, and her confusion and uncertainty had showed. But she hadn't been accusatory or even angry so far.
She remembered the kiss, vividly. But the kiss was before Helen knew the whole truth. It was possible that Helen wasn't going to freak out, but that didn't meant she would still be interested in more kisses. She could make no plans based on a chance of…more.
Her own terror from the previous night was fading, but she couldn't just shrug it off as an anomaly. Every time she bumped her sore hands she was reminded of her blind panic. She had to decide-feelings for Helen aside-if it was safe to stay. Well, certainly until after the holidays. Tomorrow she would be leaving with the kids for California. Suzy's diatribe had been quite a test and she'd found plenty of ways to quiet the monster. But could she come back to New York after having had a very bad episode? Could she come back to New York if Helen made it clear the kiss had been a mistake?
There was hope, Laura reminded herself, because last night she had won. The monster had surprised her and she'd won. It had been very, very hard. But she'd won. And there was hope because Helen was standing so close and didn't seem to mind at all.
She touched the elevator wall, tracing the outline of the building that was inset into the marble. "I love art deco."
"Linear symmetry," the attendant said promptly, "is the hallmark of the art deco style. The Empire State Building was designed in the nineteen-twenties when art deco's sharp lines replaced art nouveau's curves. The building was opened in 1931."
They had passed the fiftieth floor already. Laura liked the flutter of the indicator lights. Talking about the building staved off talking about other things too. "I lived in Manhattan for nearly a decade and I never did this. And it's right in the middle of everything."
"I don't know why the kids opted out," Helen said. She looked charming in a bucket hat tied with a scarf. "Well, Justin is obvious, he wanted to have the ice cream downstairs and was just waiting to ditch us. I thought Julie would want to come up to take pictures."
"I'm sure when we get back to ground level she'll have several T-shirts she wants to buy from the shop where we left her. Plus she took lots of pictures from the deck at 30 Rock."
As the elevator slowed the attendant announced, "We're now arriving at the main observation deck. Please exit to your right. There is always a brisk wind and today's is quite strong. Remember to secure your hats and scarves."
She was glad of the warning and yanked her beanie down. The moment the elevator doors opened on the eighty-sixth floor the wind made itself felt. Pennants of New York's state colors, bright blue and warm gold, snapped overhead. She was glad of her thick jacket and gloves, but her blood was so thin from all the years working in warm climates that she knew she wouldn't last long.
Laura pointed and pulled Helen toward the left. "There's 30 Rock, where we just were. I wonder if we can see the Statue of Liberty. I'm all turned around."
A lattice-work safety fence patterned in diamonds surrounded the promenade that encircled the floor. In all directions the city and rivers were spread out below them. The railings were wrapped in faux ivy and tiny white lights for the holidays, and every dozen feet or so there were large mounted telescopes fixed on other landmarks.
The sky was free of clouds and the sun so bright that she wished for sunglasses. She could see rooftops in all directions with gardens and holiday decorations. Both rivers were a dark, glittering blue, and in the distance the Statue of Liberty was visible, no more than an outline against the gray harbor waters.
Laura's arm was linked with Helen's as they reached the edge. It was simply the most beautiful day. Ever.
Helen leaned close to prevent her words from being stolen by the wind. "I thought we might be able to talk-continue our talk. But it's too cold and windy, isn't it?"
Laura replied, her lips only inches from the tantalizing curve of Helen's ear, "I do want to talk more." She turned so they had their backs to most of the other occupants of the deck.
Helen suddenly slumped against her. "Oh dear heaven."
"What's wrong?" Laura touched her shoulder in alarm.
"It's twelve degrees up here and I'm having a hot flash. I feel like inside-out baked Alaska."
"I'm so sorry."
Helen pulled off her gloves and hat and unbuttoned her coat. "At least there's air conditioning." She fanned herself as the bright red color in her cheeks began to fade. "This is a beautiful city, but I don't want to live here forever. I already miss home. It's not like… Last night wasn't my life. Only a flash of it."
"I know. But your life is changing."
"Yes, but the fact that I wouldn't let someone knowingly into my home with drugs won't. That was a freakish thing to happen. And now that I know the whole story, I would never participate in exposing you to temptation. You don't have to do it alone." She left off fanning herself to touch Laura's face. "I want to be there for you."
"I don't want to be a pity case."
"Pity is not what I'm feeling."
Laura swallowed hard and spoke before she thought better of it. "Please. Please kiss me."
Helen brushed her lips against Laura's, who ignored the weak voice that said maybe neither of them was thinking clearly. She kissed Laura again, light but direct, then again. Laura slid her arms around Helen and pulled her closer. Their lips parted and the wave of desire and aching heat rushed through Laura. She pulled off her gloves so she could put her hands in Helen's beautiful hair and hold her.
When they finally parted time seemed to work again. Helen's eyelids were heavy with an unmistakable longing that tightened Laura's belly and thighs.
"I've been wanting to do that for a while," Helen admitted.
"I've been wanting to do that for years," Laura murmured back.
"What does that mean? Years?"
Time to come clean. "I saw a number of your plays, from Romeo and Juliet to Agnes of God and Tequila Sunset. And I wondered what it would be like to kiss Helen Baynor, the Queen of Broadway."
Looking hurt, Helen pulled back slightly. "And what was it like?"
"I don't know," Laura said. She brushed her lips along Helen's jawline and whispered in her ear, "Turns out she wasn't there. Turns out she wasn't real. I want to kiss Helen. Just Helen."
Helen's beautiful eyes were more blue than gray, maybe because they were filled with the sky, Laura thought. Helen arched her back to find Laura's mouth again with her own. Time began to race, soaring through her blood. Nerves jumped and sparkled and now she could hear her own heart pounding as it danced in her chest. The world was spinning and wheeling around her.
"You're making me dizzy," Helen whispered when she could.
Cold noses and chilled faces didn't negate the heat of Helen's mouth as Laura kissed her. If anything, the wind was blowing away her fears and on a glorious day kissing the woman she loved seemed like the only rational thing to do. She felt Helen laugh against her mouth and let her go. She hoped she looked as sexy and pleased as Helen did. "I think that's a good thing."
"As long as you hold on to me."
"Try and stop me." Laura pressed her cheek to Helen's, then leaned back to look at her. "Now tell me the real reason why it's good that Cass and I aren't in love."
Helen's lashes fluttered. "Must I?"
"I'll tell you my reason if you tell me yours."
Helen stuck out her chin, looking just a bit like Julie. "Okay. Fine. I think I'm in love with you. There. I said it."
"Thank goodness. That's my reason too-I think I'm love with you." She pulled Helen close again, laughing. She felt as if the sunlight and wind had swept through her bones and left her pure and whole. So much of her was already Helen's to claim. The monster was nowhere to be found, for now. The love of a good woman, the conviction of her own will and a busy, useful life would see her through. It was a wealth of riches, more than she had ever dreamed she could hold in her arms.
"Say it again," Helen said in her ear. "Say it again."
"I love you."
"Are you sure? I'm not such a great person. I'm so self-centered and vain. I spend half of every day worrying about my wrinkles and ass. Honest."
Laura laughed again. "Helen, I'll be happy to share the worry about your wrinkles and ass. I will check out your ass every day-every hour, if you'd like."
Helen pushed her away with a shy smile. "I like."
They grinned at each other like idiots.
"Okay," Laura said. "Now what?"
"I would like to give the kids twenty bucks and send them to the movies," Helen said.
"I like that idea," Laura said, trying to be serious. "But a two-hour movie isn't long enough." She moved closer to claim Helen's mouth for another, earthier kiss. "I want to take two hours just undressing you. And spend all night finding out what makes you feel good."
"Dear heaven." Helen clung to her, flushed. "Maybe it's the altitude. I can't think."
"And I thought it was me. Though we are far up." She peered over the side but the arc of the building made it impossible to see the street directly alongside them.
She shifted and Helen stumbled into her. "What's wrong-"
Helen had one hand wound in the lattice. She was drained of color and even as Laura watched, sweat beaded on her forehead in spite of the cold wind. Her eyes were screwed shut.
How could she have forgotten? "Helen, honey, it's okay. I'm here. You won't fall. Everything is safe. I'm here. Hold on to me."
She thought she heard Helen say "I'm okay," which was a big, fat lie. Her lips were pinched and blue.
Trying to get Helen to transfer her death grip from the lattice to her, Laura said, "Tell me about Mame Dennis. Are you going to do that play within a play? What's it called?"
"Midsummer Madness," Helen said through gritted teeth.
"Are you going to wear the bells for bracelets?"
"Yes." Helen seemed to take a deep breath, but her eyes remained closed. "I'm not afraid of heights."
"Yes you are. You've just gotten better at hiding it over the years. It's okay. We're on a steel frame floor in a steel building that has survived everything that's been thrown at this city for over eighty years."
With a choked-back whimper, Helen said, "I can feel it moving."
"That's the wind. What was it like to play Juliet?"
"That's ancient history." Helen's grip hadn't loosened on the lattice.
"I'm starting to worry that you're going to freeze to this thing. C'mon, honey. Let's walk to the inside wall, far away from the edge. It's going to be fine."
"I feel like such a fool. I just-forgot. How does a person forget not to look down?"
"I forgot you were afraid of heights too. It's been a long time since you tested it like this."
"At least I'm not on a roller coaster. Did I ever tell you about that?"
Laura laughed-Helen did remember it. It seemed so absurd that it was her last secret, the only thing she hadn't confessed. She gave it up at last. "You didn't have to."
Helen's eyes snapped open. "You're the famous restaurateur!"
Helen didn't even seem to notice that Laura had gently broken her grip and moved her away from the edge of the deck. "I'm not famous. And I never did own a restaurant. I did become an expert chef though. And you became a rich and famous actress."
"And you made food for my rich and famous friends. It all came true."
"It came better than true." They reached the inner wall and Laura plunked Helen down on an icy cold but very solid metal bench.
"In my head, for years-you're my famous restaurateur. Don't be a chump, you told me, and I did it, I went after what my heart was telling me. Why ever didn't you remind me of it?"
Laura loved the way Helen said my famous restaurateur. "Not a day of my life has gone by without remembering that you believed I'd be okay."
The color had come back to Helen's face. "You haven't answered my question."
"I wanted the job based on who I was today." The wind was making her ears feel like seared ice c
ubes.
Helen blinked, then fixed Laura with a steady look. "You didn't want me to remember that you'd told me then about being an addict."
She nodded. "I wanted the job. I asked my contacts for referrals and there was your name. I took it for fate and I didn't want to screw it up."
Helen simply looked at her. "I feel so dense. All I have ever remembered was that this woman kept me from freaking out when we got stuck and told me not to be a chump. I didn't remember her name. I didn't remember what she looked like except for her hands. All I could remember was her hand holding mine."
They both moved to entwine their fingers. A shock went through Laura, like a connection was finally completed.
"I don't want to be your household manager anymore," Laura said. "I need to quit."
"I know," Helen said. She tightened her grip and pulled Laura closer. "I'll find someone else."
"Not necessary. I won't do it for money. But I'll do it for love. We'll figure out a way that I keep my hand in the culinary world, and college isn't that far off. We can't see that far into the future. So we'll take it day by day, production by production, year by year."
"I can see into the future," Helen said. "You're in it."
Laura put her forehead against Helen's. "Mine too."
"Shh. You're making me laugh."
Helen felt like she was committing a slumber party prank as she let Laura in the door of her bedroom. "Do you think the kids heard you?"
"Maybe. I don't think they care."
"I have to confess one thing," Helen said. Laura's hands were already on her hips, hot and strong through the silk of her negligee. "I'm apparently not, um, I can be very, um-I'm not quiet. I didn't know that until…you know."
"Good," Laura said. "I look forward to finding every possible way to make you not quiet."
"But not tonight. I don't want the kids to hear. It's got me a little uncertain."
Laura turned the lock on Helen's door. The low light of the bedside lamp brought out the dark, glistening depths of her eyes. She has such beautiful skin, Helen thought. She was dying to lick her way across Laura's collarbone.
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