by Jim Benton
memory of my lovableness will linger.
I wish I played an instrument. That last
sentence would be a really good song.
I suddenly realized that Betsy’s Museum of
Adorableness isn’t so dumb after all. It stands as a
shining example to all humanity of how you should
hold your head to look cute.
124
Thursday 26
Dear Dumb Diary,
I had a horrible dream. I dreamed of
Angeline — which is horrible all by itself — but
it gets worse. We were at a taco restaurant, and
Angeline was selling glittery jewelry for thousands
of dollars. I was sitting there eating a taco, getting
it all over my face, when Angeline walked over and
gave me the money she’d made selling the jewelry.
Then she took a napkin and wiped some taco sauce
off my chin because she saw Hudson coming over to
my table.
125
Angeline wiped the taco sauce
off my chin, Dumb Diary !And I woke up
screaming so loud, I wouldn’t be surprised if Stinker
made another set of earrings and maybe even a
charm bracelet.
This dream is Angeline’s fault. It was caused
by Angeline putting her own makeup on my chin to
save me a little embarrassment. Angeline’s selfish
niceness was cruelly making me feel guilty about
letting her take the blame for the poo earrings.
I couldn’t keep it to myselfany more —I had to
confess!
126
As soon as I got to school this morning, I told
Uncle Assistant Principal Devon what happened. I
explained everything to him. I told him how Stinker
eats things all the time and they practically never
come out looking like jewelry except for maybe the
kind of jewelry you’d wear with those bridesmaids’
dresses. Then I immediately regretted saying that
because he got really quiet and serious and told me
that I should have told him the truth right away.
127
I told him that I thought that the truth
was still the truth even if it’s a couple days late.
He thought about that for a minute and said,
“Dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Then he
told me we would forget about the whole thing.
After that, I thought maybe he wasn’t a rat.
He went on to say that Angeline will get to
go the dance, which has me thinking again that he
is a rat, because even if Angeline gets punished for
something she didn’t do, who would it hurt?
So I won’t have Hudson all to myself over
tacos tomorrow night. But if I can talk Angeline into
getting the burrito, I’ll still look adorable and she’ll
look like somebody trying to gag down a fire hose
full of spiders.
128
129
Friday 27
Dear Dumb Diary,
I just got back from the dance. Where should
I start?
First of all, Angeline thanked me for telling
Uncle Assistant Principal Devon the truth. Then she
laughed at me for being dumb enough to mistake
Stinker’s creations for earrings.
I pointed out how dumb it was for her to
take the blame for something she didn’t do, and
she said that she just did it so that Aunt Carol and
Uncle Assistant Principal Devon would stop fussing
over it.
She said that she totally knew that I had
done it, but she really didn’t care. She just wanted
to make it stop. (I guess maybe she’s not that
dumb.)
130
On the dancier side of things, the Dance
Committee did a pretty good job of decorating the
gym. They also picked really good music.
But here’s how dumb Angeline is: She just
starts dancing, and she’s not doing it with anybody
in particular. She just dances in every direction and
she does it like nobody’s watching. One minute she’s
dancing with Mike Pinsetti, and the next minute
she’s dancing with Margaret (who is a surprisingly
good dancer and barely apelike).
It’s so weird how easily dumbness comes to
Angeline.
131
I think I probably had just as much fun
standing still, and I only made a couple of
mistakes, but I think I looked pretty good. Isabella
and I both danced a little, but we didn’t get all out
of control like Dancypants Angeline.
Uncle Assistant Principal Devon was there,
even though the wedding is tomorrow. In spite of
the fact that he is a rat, apparently he takes his
principaling very seriously.
132
I couldn’t totally enjoy the dance, because I
was feeling bad about ditching Isabella the whole
time. The Taco Rendezvous with Hudson
was one of my dreams come true (below owning
a talking unicorn, but above being able to talk to
koalas).
When I looked at Isabella standing so
professionally, I remembered back to the first really
nice thing she did for me when we were kids.
We were in third grade, I think, and we were
at lunch. I was eating some horrible thing that my
mom had horribly packed for me, and Isabella had
one of her mom’s incredible meat loaf sandwiches.
She looked over and saw how much I hated my
lunch and then she did the sweetest thing you could
imagine.
133
She pulled Eddy Dooley’s hair until he gave
me his lunch.
People don’t always know how nice Isabella
is or how she looks out for her BFF, but I do. And at
that moment, I was overwhelmed with a dumb idea.
I told Angeline I wasn’t going for tacos.
And she said, “I know. I knew you wouldn’t
ditch Isabella. It was mean of Hudson to say
Isabella couldn’t come, and I’m not going, either.”
134
At the end of the dance, we told Hudson we
weren’t going. We didn’t give him any reason. We
just told him we weren’t going.
Just as he was driving off into the night with
his mom and a few other friends, Isabella caught
up to us.
“Why aren’t you two going for tacos?” she
asked.
I was shocked. “You know about that?”
I said.
“Of course I know about that.”
Angeline was just as surprised. “Isabella,”
she said. “You should also know that Hudson invited
us, but told us that you couldn’t come.”
135
“That’s right,” Isabella said. “That’s exactly
what I told him two weeks ago. My mom won’t let
me go. When your Aunt Carol drove me home from
your house a couple weeks ago, she came in and
told my mom about my fall down the stairs. That
fall may have fooled your family, Jamie, but the last
time I successfully fooled my mom with that one I
was four. She was mad that I did it at your house.
She almost said I couldn’t go to the dance a
t all,
but she’s not totally immune to my fake crying yet,
so here I am.
“But when I told her that Hudson asked me
to go for tacos after, she said I couldn’t go, as a
punishment. Hudson asked me before he asked
you two. I told him I couldn’t go.”
“Jamie, I would have told you, but we were
fighting that day. It just hasn’t come up since.”
136
And then Isabella looked really confused.
“But why didn’t you two go?” she asked.
“I have no idea, Isabella,” I said. “We
decided not to go because we thought he was
ditching you.”
“That was pretty dumb,” she said.
And she was right.
137
Saturday 28
Dear Dumb Diary,
Today was “Aunt Carol’s Big Day.”
It started out with a panicky phone call from
Aunt Carol. Uncle Assistant Principal Devon had
picked up the bridesmaids’ dresses after they
were altered and left them in his unlocked car. Get
this: Somebody stole them, so we had to wear the
dresses we wore to the rehearsal dinner.
STOLE THEM! Maybe criminals aren’t
all bad!
138
It worked out fine. We all looked great, even
Betsy. Her dress wasn’t stolen, since it didn’t need
to be altered and she had it at home. She still had
all the precious adorablenesss she loves. And let’s
face it: The girl can work the ruffles.
The teachers who came to the reception looked
good, too, even Miss Bruntford. She had on a big
flowery dress that kind of made her look like a couch
standing up on its side. But still, a really nice couch.
Being an art teacher, Miss Anderson is an
expert on good-lookingness, and today was no
exception. Her dress, shoes, and lipstick were all
laser-pointer red, and her fingernails looked like if
Barbie turned into a werewolf.
But Aunt Carol, being the bride, was legally
entitled to be the prettiest one there, and she was.
And even though it looked like they had
crammed her into the wedding dress, she looked
glamorously crammed.
139
The wedding ceremony it self was kind of
boring and long. But that makes sense because the
idea is to glue two people together forever and the
first rule of the road is that beautiful
things take time, and you can’t rush
glue.
140
The reception was a lot different from the
ceremony. The food was pretty good, and there
were no Old Gasbag Relatives quizzing me until I fell
asleep in it.
It was really funny watching Aunt Carol and
Uncle Assistant Principal Devon jam cake into each
other’s faces. I think that may be the one wedding
tradition that could be carried over to the Divorce
Ceremony.
I danced the dumb way that Angeline
danced — in every direction and not caring who
saw — and it was a lot more fun than standing. I
may even do less standing at the next school dance.
141
At some point during the night, I saw myself
in a mirror in the hallway and was so grateful I
wasn’t wearing that ugly Bridesmaid Disaster.
Isabella came over and stood next to me.
“Nice dress,” she said. “I guess you’re pretty
happy the bridesmaids’ dresses got stolen.”
And then it hit me! Isabella had stolen the
dresses. She was so touched that I passed on tacos
with Hudson, that she did this for me.
“You shouldn’t have done that, Isabella,” I
said. “I really appreciate it, but you shouldn’t have
stolen the dresses.”
“I didn’t steal them,” she said. “I loved that
dress. I wouldn’t have done that for you.”
142
And then Angeline walked up, and she said,
“Nice dress, Jamie.”
Suddenly I REALLY realized what had
happened. Angeline had stolen the dresses for me.
It makes sense. Angeline was so glad that I told the
truth about the earrings that she did this for me in
return.
“Angeline. You shouldn’t have stolen the
dresses for me. It was a nice gesture, but you
shouldn’t have done it.”
For a second I felt a little regret that I wasn’t
related to her.
143
Angeline laughed. “You’re right Jamie, it
WOULD have been a nice gesture, but I didn’t do
it. I loved that dress. I looked like a million bucks
in it, and Isabella looked like a thousand bucks. I
figured you stole them.”
And then I was glad AGAIN that I’m not
related to her.
144
“Also,” she added, “I don’t know how I feel
about being related to a thief.”
“We’re not related,” I informed her. “We’re
not cousins.”
“Of course we’re not cousins,” she said.
“We’re going to be grandmas together.”
That’s when Isabella just lost it. She started
jumping up and down and screaming and begging
me, “Can I have one, Jamie? Can I please please
have one?”
I must have looked pretty confused because
Angeline felt like she had to explain.
“Oh, c’mon, Jamie. Don’t play dumb. You’re
the one that’s been stuffing Stinker under our
fence. I’ve seen you do it.”
145
“It wasn’t Jamie,” Isabella admitted —
although it sounded a lot more like bragging than
admitting.
“I knew that Stinker and Stickybuns were in
love that first night they met at Jamie’s house,”
Isabella said. “They wanted to be together. And
when two people are in love, they should be
together. Even if one of those people is a dog. And
so is the other one.”
Can you believe how sweet Isabella is, giving
so generously of her time so that Stinker and
Stickybuns could spend time together? And that
explains why Stinker kept coming back from the
walks all scratched up. Isabella had been stuffing
him under Angeline’s fence.
“Are they going to have puppies?” Isabella
asked, and I think that she very nearly squealed,
which made it the first time I had ever heard her do
anything like that.
“When will the puppies be here? Can I please
have one? Please please please?”
Angeline grinned. “The vet says that
Stickybuns is going to have puppies in three or four
weeks. And sure, you can have one!”
146
Puppies. Stinker is going to be a dad. And
Stickybuns is going to be a mom. That makes
Angeline and me grandmas — together.
“What in the world did Stickybuns ever see in
Stinker?” I said. He’s my dog and everything. I know
that I love him, but seriously: EW.
Isabella said, “He did poop some nice bli
ng.
You know that gots to impress the ladies.”
She’s right. But I’m not sure what’s harder to
accept: That now I really am related to Angeline
(In- Laws by Dog) or the fact that there are a
few burglars running around in those bridesmaids’
dresses right now.
At least now I know what Isabella was hinting
at with the spiders in my burrito and the snakes in
my yard. She was hinting about the puppies.
147
At the end of the evening, I kissed Aunt
Carol, congratulated her, and thanked her for
everything. Then I went to say good-bye to Uncle
Assistant Principal Devon. I caught up to him in
the hall. I congratulated him and wished him a fun
honeymoon.
“Bit of luck the dresses got stolen, huh?” he
said, and he smiled this big dumb smile that I had
not seen him smile in a month. It revealed more
than just a mouthful of nice teeth.
“YOU stole them?” I asked him.
“I didn’t say that,” he said. “But I knew you
hated that dress. I hated it, too. Your Aunt Carol
and I had a huge argument about it. That’s why she
was crying a little that day.”
“So you made the dresses disappear? For
me?” I asked, even though I was totally sure of the
answer.
148
All he said was that we’d talk about it when
they got back from their honeymoon. He said he
thought that the truth was still the truth even if it’s
a couple days late.
I told him that was the dumbest thing I’d ever
heard.
I know what the truth is. The truth is that he’s
not a rat. The truth is he’s my Uncle Dan.
149
Sunday 29
Dear Dumb Diary,
It’s Sunday. Homework day, again. Isabella
is coming over because she has no idea what to
do with her diorama, since that whole “Baron Von
Leash” thing was a load of garbage. (Note the flies
