Like with West. When we broke up, that shit messed me up for months. Couldn’t get the man off my mind. No matter how hard I scrubbed my skin, his scent still lingered. Every time I reached between my legs at night, it was his hand getting me off, not my own. Every man I passed on the street had his face. His broad shoulders. His cut abs. His sexy smirk… black hair… piercing blue eyes. Ugh! Sitting across a table from him again was the worst… and the best.
I’d missed him. I’d never admit that to him. I could only admit it to myself. This man had gotten under my skin and claimed a piece of my heart. That was why I was sitting there. Asking him to help me with the one thing I needed to make my life complete. A baby.
Most would say a hard-ass bitch like me would be a shitty mother. Kindness and compassion weren’t words anyone would associate with me, but after a lot of soul-searching, I knew I could do this. I could be a good mom. The kind my mom had been before my asshole father turned her world upside down.
“I don’t believe this,” West muttered. “You can’t be serious.”
I waited for the waiter to place our steaks in front us before I said, “Why can’t I?”
“Because you never wanted a baby!”
“People change.”
I had. Leaving the force changed me. I’d been lost and depressed for months, not knowing what the hell to do with myself until my former partner suggested I become a private investigator. That idea lit a fire in my belly, and I made plans to quit my shitty security job after I saved enough money and got my P.I. license. Finally, I had a plan. A purpose. I’d help vindicate all of the women, like my mom, who felt helpless because they’d given their power to a lying, cheating prick who wanted a stable home and a piece of ass on the side.
“People don’t change that much,” he argued, cutting into his steak with a scowl. “That was one of the reasons we broke up, remember? ‘Cause you didn’t want a family.”
Yeah, and this tough guy had been close to his family. His mom died of ovarian cancer when he was seventeen, but West, his father, and three younger brothers were a tight unit. I envied that connection. The kind I’d always craved and never had.
“Wasn’t the only reason,” I muttered, salting my meal.
West was a dominant man in every area of his life. And that didn’t sit well with someone like me. I hated following rules unless they were designed to keep me alive. Then I could get on board. But having a man tell me what to do… yeah, that would never happen.
“I know you think I was a controlling son of a bitch—”
“Because you were.”
“I fucking loved you,” he whisper-shouted, leaning in. “I wanted you to stay safe. Is that a crime?”
No. But smelling as good as he did should be. I couldn’t even inhale. I was afraid if I got a whiff of him, my vajayjay would get all excited, thinking she was getting some, and he still hadn’t agreed to be my baby-daddy.
I chewed in silence for a minute while he heaved a sigh and turned his attention back to his food.
“You were the only one I could think of,” I said finally. “The only one I wanted… to help me with this.”
My former partner and best friend, Troy, had offered, but that would have been gross, like sleeping with my cousin or something. Sure, we could have gone the clinical route, but why pay ten grand for a lab when a forty-dollar bottle of whisky would do the trick?
“You don’t know what you’re asking of me.” He closed his eyes for a second. “Just what the hell are you asking of me? I know you want me to get you pregnant…” He swore softly. “But then what?”
“That’s it.”
I saw the challenge in his eyes as his strong jaw clenched. He wouldn’t father a baby then walk away. That wasn’t his style. Beneath his gruff exterior, he was a solid guy who’d always been there for the people he cared about. He wouldn’t turn his back on his own child, and maybe deep down that’s why I asked him. It would be nice to know I had back-up on speed dial if I needed it in the middle of the night when a colicky baby was driving me out of my mind and I needed sleep more than food or oxygen.
“That’s not it.”
We let the silence fester like an abscess until I couldn’t take it anymore. “Fine, what do you suggest?”
“How the fuck should I know?” he snapped. “You sprung this on me, like, five minutes ago.”
I knew it was only fair to give him time to think about it, but my calendar and thermometer told me this was the big day. That’s why I’d suggested collecting on my bet tonight. I figured the right outfit, a hint of lacy lingerie, and a few glasses of scotch would be all it took to seal the deal. It’s not like my ex had never talked about having a baby with me. He had. Plenty of times. And every time I’d shut him down. But now I was ready. So ready.
“Have you been serious with anyone since we split?” I asked, deciding to try another angle as I poked at my food. I wasn’t shy about eating on a date, but fear stole my appetite. I’d allowed myself to get my hopes up, something I rarely did, and now I felt as though he was shutting me down and I had to figure out a way to right this ship. Fast.
“No. You?”
I shook my head. “Just dating. And casual sex.”
He glared at me. “You really think I need to hear this shit?”
Huh. So he was still possessive? He wouldn’t be if he didn’t still care about me. “Sorry. But it’s not like you can’t say the same.”
“Yeah, but you won’t hear me bragging about it.”
“I wasn’t bragging. I was just—”
“Save it. I don’t want to talk about either one of us fucking other people, okay?”
We ate in silence for a few more minutes ‘cause my ex was brooding. He wasn’t a pushover and he sure as shit wouldn’t do anything he didn’t want to do, so I had no choice but to wait him out.
The waiter came around to clear out plates and ask if we wanted dessert. We both declined. West paid the bill as I wondered if he planned to let me down easy as he walked me to a cab.
“So I guess this is it?” I said as he slipped his card back into his wallet and pocketed it.
“What?”
“This is where we say good night.” I forced myself to look him in the eye even though the lump of disappointment in my throat made it tough to swallow. “Thanks for dinner—”
“If I say no, what then?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Troy offered, but—”
“Fuck that.” He stood, grabbing my arm. “Let’s go.”
“Where?”
“Your place.”
***
West
I was knocking back my fourth scotch while she downed her third. Just enough to relax us, but not enough to impact our decision-making ability. Fuck. What was I doing? Was I really going to try to get my ex pregnant?
This woman still had the squeeze on my heart. One kiss and I’d be staying stupid shit I should keep to myself. If I slid into her hot little body again, it would be all over. There’d be no walking away this time. Especially if she was carrying my baby. But she’d want me to walk away. She’d expect me to. She’d made it clear she wanted to raise this baby on her own and just wanted me as a sperm donor.
I watched her move around her small condo. We’d made a lot of memories here, but even more at my place. I’d asked her to move in with me, but she’d declined, claiming she needed her own space.
“We need to get a few things clear if we’re going to do this,” I said, eyeing her warily.
I knew any second she could change her mind and show me the door. And I suddenly didn’t want that. When she’d said those two little words, baby and pregnant, it set off something in me. And within the span of a couple of hours, I wanted it bad. My brothers would call me an idiot for making a life-altering decision in the spur of the moment, but I wasn’t a kid anymore. I was thirty-three, and in the eighteen years since I discovered girls, this one was the only one who’d branded me.
“Okay.”
She set her empty glass on the end table. “I’m listening.”
“I’m not getting you pregnant and walking away. I can’t do that.”
She nodded as though she wasn’t surprised. “Okay.”
“Okay?” I repeated, dumbfounded. “Then you’ll let me be a part of this baby’s life?”
“Sure, we can even make it nice and legal, if that’ll make you happy.”
“It will.” I wanted it in writing if we were going to do this. No. What I wanted was for us to do this as a real couple, but since we couldn’t, a contract would be the next best thing.
“Anything else?” she asked, folding her arms.
“Shared custody.”
“No.”
I wasn’t surprised she shot me down. I’d put it out there hoping we could use it to negotiate. “Fine, two weekends a month and two days every other week.”
She seemed to consider that proposal before nodding. “Okay, I can live with that.”
“And I get to go to all of your doctor’s appointments during the pregnancy.”
“Sure.”
She was being so agreeable, and that wasn’t like her. Must mean she’d imagined what my terms might be before she made this proposal and decided in advance what she could and couldn’t live with.
“And I’m there for the delivery.”
“If you want to be.”
“I do.”
“Anything else?”
Damn. I didn’t want to make a baby with her like this. I wanted her to be in my arms, her head tipped back while I kissed her neck, her beautiful eyes glazed with arousal as I told her how much I wanted to plant my seed inside her.
“No other men, obviously.”
She narrowed her eyes. “You think I’d fuck other men while I’m pregnant with your baby?”
“No.”
She huffed. “That last one goes without saying. Can we get on with this now?”
“Get on with this?” I echoed, slamming my empty glass on the coffee table. “Are you asking me to fuck you now, Shani?”
She sucked in a barely audible breath as her eyes widened marginally. No one had a better poker face than this woman, but I knew her well. She couldn’t hide anything from me. I closed in on her, grabbing her hips roughly so she could feel my erection. My lips grazed her neck, barely touching the surface of her skin. Still she reacted.
“We’ll obviously have to do this over and over and over again tonight.” My dick swelled at the promise of that.
“I know.” She curled her arms around my neck. “You got a problem with that?”
“No.” I fisted my hand in her hair, tipping her head back so she was looking into my eyes. “No problem at all.”
Goddamn, this wasn’t going to be easy. Having her back in my arms brought all the old feelings back to the surface.
My other hand moved to the swell of her ass as my mouth came down hard on hers. I never thought I’d get the chance to kiss her again, but the lick of heat that chased up my spine reminded me how many hours I’d wasted wishing for a shot like this. One more night. One more time. To do all the things I wanted to do to her… to say all the things we’d left unsaid.
This wasn’t about starting over as a couple. It was about starting a new chapter. As co-parents. I knew she might not get pregnant on this first try, but I wasn’t opposed to trying month after month until it paid off.
She curled her hands around my back as I pressed my hard cock into her belly. I tore my lips from hers, practically growling as I licked and sucked her neck, making her curse and whisper my name as she tore at my button-down shirt. There was no hint of trepidation on her part. No second thoughts. She wanted this as badly as I did. Which made us both certifiable. Sane people didn’t do what we were about to do. Not after they’d been broken up for years.
I lifted her, curling my arms around her waist as she wrapped her legs around me and locked her heels at the base of my spine. I walked us to the bedroom while she continued kissing my neck, making it tough to keep my eyes open.
Man. When I got ready for this “date,” I never imagined it ending like this. Sure, I thought a one-night stand might be on the agenda if she was hot, but I’d never imagined being back in my ex’s bed, rock hard at the possibility of putting a baby inside her.
As soon as I dropped her on the bed, we tore at each other’s clothes. I heard my three-hundred-dollar shirt tear and didn’t give two fucks. She could have lit a fire to my clothes and I wouldn’t have blinked. Not when she was lying back on her elbows, her chest heaving, wearing only a black lace bra and silky thong, her toned legs spread wide in silent invitation.
“You want this?” I demanded, fisting my dick. It wasn’t enough for her to want my baby. I needed to hear her tell me she wanted me.
“Yeah.” Her eyes were eating me alive, tracking my every movement as I used my hand to give her a taste of what was to come.
I was harder than I’d been in a long, long time, but I wasn’t ready to sink inside her just yet. I tore off her panties, and she gasped when I spread her legs, sinking to my knees on the fluffy white area rug under her four-poster bed.
“West, you don’t have to do this. It wasn’t part of the deal. We just have to… you just have to come inside me.”
“Forgive me if I want to enjoy every second of this.”
She collapsed as soon as my tongue made contact with her core. “But I’m the one enjoying this.”
“You’re not the only one, baby. Believe me.”
This was a bonehead move and I knew it. One taste of her and I’d want more. It was like asking an alcoholic to take one drink. Impossible. If I were smart, I would have fucked her from behind so I couldn’t kiss her and wouldn’t have to look at her stunning face when she lost it. But I’d never been smart when it came to this woman. I’d always skirted danger then wondered why I walked away battered and bruised.
I was torturing both of us, taking my time with slow and gentle strokes that had her lifting her ass off the bed and circling her hips as she pulled my hair, begging me not to stop. I felt the tautness in her body before she held herself still, barely breathing while I lashed her with my tongue. I finished her off with my fingers as her screams echoed off the walls.
“Oh. My. God.”
I smiled at her reaction but didn’t stop. I didn’t know when I’d have the chance to do this again, if ever, so I had to get my fill. Her body was still twitching and jerking as I used my mouth to reduce her to a beautiful incoherent mess on the verge of sobbing with satisfaction.
Damn. Pulling this reaction from her again felt incredible. Taking her places I knew only I could. I slowly crawled up her body, licking and kissing her as I made my way back to her mouth. I saw the same awe in her eyes that I felt. It wasn’t supposed to feel this good.
My kiss was slow and deep, letting her feel the beat of my heart against her chest, the evidence of my arousal prodding her stomach. We were as close as two people could be without being joined, and I was enjoying every second of our reunion.
“Please,” she whispered as her lips left mine.
I knew she wasn’t one to beg, so I didn’t tease her any longer. I inched back, circling her opening with my shaft while we held our collective breath. Her waiting for the invasion, me waiting for the sense of completion that always accompanied being inside her.
I edged my way in, taking it so slow I could almost feel her stretching to accommodate me. She was petite in every way, and taking me fully had always been a challenge she welcomed.
When I was finally seated inside her, I lowered my chest to hers, my body blanketing hers. I could tell I’d surprised her. She was probably expecting fast and dirty, with me getting off as soon as I could. But she didn’t know that I’d been fucking the illusion of her for four long years. Now that I had the real deal back in my arms, there’d be no race to the finish line. Not tonight.
“West…” Her voice was a husky, broken whisper and I could tell she was battling her emot
ions.
Outside of the bedroom, it was easy for us to pretend our feelings didn’t run this deep, but once she welcomed me inside her body, it brought it all back to the surface, a collision of pain, fear, and sadness that almost broke us both years ago.
“I know, baby.” I kissed her temple as I moved slowly. “I know.”
“Too much,” she murmured.
I smiled against her cheek, trying to lighten the mood. “At least you’re not saying I’m not enough.”
“Please, I need you to fuck me. Fast. Hard.” She curled her hands around my biceps, digging her nails in. “Please.”
I knew she wanted this to be over as soon as possible because she couldn’t stand the onslaught of memories or her own reaction to them. This time, this one time, I’d give her what she asked for, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t use the advantage she’d given me to burrow deeper next time. To get under her skin in a way I hadn’t been able to before. She wanted to be the mother of my child. But why couldn’t she be mine? My lover. My woman. My best friend?
I did as she asked and picked up the pace, bracing my weight on my hands as I looked down at her. She clenched me, doing her part to finish me off faster than I was ready for.
“Don’t do that,” I said between clenched teeth.
“Why?” she demanded, her dark eyes challenging me as she curled her hands around my wrists. “It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to get off as long as you do.”
“It fucking matters to me. So stop!”
I’d never been a one-and-done kind of guy and she damn well knew it. I prided myself on giving as good as I got, and this woman had always gotten the best of me. Tonight would be no different. I didn’t care if she had ulterior motives for wanting me to finish quickly. It wasn’t gonna happen.
“You’re too good.” She closed her eyes, her expression pained. “You may not know this, but you ruined me for all other men.”
In Too Deep (The Exes #8) Page 2
