by E. L. Todd
I saw Carl standing on the corner, watching my cab drive away into the city. I knew I could never escape from him. He would find me eventually.
I told the driver the address to my apartment, and when I finally arrived, I swallowed back the tears, not wanting to frighten Sean as soon as I walked in the room.
When I reached my door, I inserted my keys into the lock but dropped them, too anxious to collapse into his arms. When the door finally opened, my heart fell. Janice was standing in my apartment, smiling as she looked at me. She was wearing one of my shirts with only her underwear on. It was obvious what had transpired between them but I was confused. I didn’t understand what was going on.
“Where’s Sean?” I asked. I could barely hold back my tears. Janice immediately knew something terrible had happened.
“Are you okay?” she asked. She reached for me, but I stepped back. I covered my face with my hands, trying to hide my trembling lip and shield the tears on my face from view. “What happened, Scarlet?”
“Where’s Sean?” I whispered through my tears.
“He’s in the shower,” she said quickly. “Come in, Scarlet. Don’t stay out in the hallway.”
“No,” I said as I shook my head. “This is where I belong.” I turned and left, walking away from the scene that broke my heart. I ran through the hallway and down the stairs, running from someone who wasn’t chasing me. When I got to the street, I realized I had nowhere to go. I was lost.
I only had a few hundred dollars in my checking account, so I headed down the street toward the cheapest hotel I could find. I walked in the darkness for a long time, not paying attention to anything going on around me as I headed to my destination. I saw the motel lights in the distance when I felt a hand grab my arm and push me into an alley. I immediately feared Carl had found me, but when I looked into the face of my attacker, I realized it was a complete stranger that held the point of a blade against my throat. He took my purse off my shoulder, and I didn’t stop him. I watched as he ran down the street, leaving me unscathed. Luckily, I had my phone and my clutch in my jacket pocket, which contained most of my belongings anyway, but the traumatic event scared me to death. I stood still on the street, unsure that it really happened. I could feel the cold steel of the knife when he held it against my throat and it was sinking into me; I had hit rock bottom.
I finally checked into the hotel and lay on the bed even though I knew I couldn’t sleep. I grabbed my phone and turned it off, not wanting to speak to anyone in the entire world at that moment. The crime from the streets drifted through the walls and I could hear the drug deals transpiring outside my window, along with the sounds of police sirens echoing across the city. The sound of a glass bottle shattering from the room next to mine startled me, and I hugged my knees to my chest, afraid of the violence surrounding me. I couldn’t go back to my own apartment because I couldn’t get the image of Sean and Janice out of my mind. Just the idea of them fucking on my own bed made we want to gag. Sean had just made love to me on those sheets less than twenty four hours ago. I couldn’t go back there. Not now, at least.
The recent events fell on me like a heavy weight and I really, truly wanted to die. Sean had betrayed me. We had only been together for a few hours when he slept with one of my closest friends. Why did he do that to me? I didn’t know if I had misread his feelings and intentions, but I had assumed he would never use me, his best friend, but he did. I finally realized how Sean felt. Penelope didn’t care about him at all, and even though she hurt him irrevocably, he still loved her, and that was exactly how I felt about him. When I reflected on our past, I realized I had always been there for him. Whether I was ironing his clothes or pardoning his wrongs, I was always on his side. Even while he completely ignored me when I confided my problems. In that moment, I realized that he never loved me. I was just a convenient fuck.
The truth was too much to bear. I closed my eyes and forced myself to think about something else, anything else. I knew I had to run, get away from that miserable city and the people who only hurt me there. I deserved better than that. I had to get out.
14
When the sun rose over the city of Manhattan, I decided it was okay to return to my apartment, assuming Sean and Janice would have left for work. I took a cab across the city, and when I went inside my room, I looked around, making sure I was alone. After I slammed the door behind me, Sean sat up on the couch and walked towards me as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He was in the same suit he had been wearing for the past two days. It was covered in wrinkles.
“Where the fuck have you been, Scarlet?”
I jumped and dropped my keys on the ground at the sound of Sean’s hostile voice. He had been sleeping on the couch, unable to be seen from the doorway, and now he approached me with a look of anger mixed with fear on his face.
I stared at him for a moment and felt sick. Just imagining him with Janice made me want to vomit. I felt betrayed and hurt. I looked away from him. “I went to a cheap hotel.”
I saw Sean’s body tighten in anger. “You went to a sleazy hotel in the city? Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell is going on? Why are you so upset?” I turned away and ignored him. He grabbed my arms and steadied me. “Are you alright, Scarlet? I listened to the voice mail you left me. Why were you yelling?”
I pulled away from his grasp. He released me and watched me for a moment.
“Scarlet, say something,” he said. “I’ve never been more frightened in my whole life.”
“Don’t even pretend that you care about me, Sean. You made it clear that you don’t.”
“Excuse me?” he said in an offended voice. “What are you talking about?”
“I want you to leave, Sean. Give me back my key and get the fuck out.”
“What did I do?”
“Are you being serious?” I asked. “You cheated on me and fucked my friend. How stupid are you?”
“Cheated on you?” he asked. “Scarlet, I thought... I assumed that night was...a purely physical thing.” He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. Sean avoided my gaze and looked away. “I didn’t know that it meant something to you.”
“Fuck you, Sean. Why the hell would you assume that?”
“Well, for one, I’m still hooked on Penelope, in case you hadn’t noticed. Pull your head out of your ass, Scarlet, and stop being an idiot. You remember her, right?” he said sarcastically. “The woman I was going to propose to? The same woman who just broke my heart? Why would I just fall into another relationship with you? I thought you were smarter than that, Scar.”
I shook my head. “We’ve been through breakups before, but this has never happened. We’ve never slept together and you initiated everything, Sean—everything. I’m sorry if I assumed, without a doubt, that my best friend would never use me like that, that he would only make love to me because he loved me and no other reason.” I stepped away from him and wiped away the tears that began to fall. “I can’t believe you used me like that, Sean. I feel so stupid.” I felt the tears bubble under my eyes. “Then why did it happen? Why did you initiate it?”
Sean finally looked at me. “I don’t know. I...when I kissed you I got...horny, I guess. And I’ve always been attracted to you. I hadn’t had sex in a while and I knew you hadn’t either.”
“So, now we’re friends with benefits? You ruined our friendship because you wanted to get fucked?”
“Shut up,” he snapped. “It wasn’t like that. You wanted it as much as I did. In my defense, I was a little drunk, but you were completely sober, Scarlet. You knew exactly what you were doing. Don’t blame me for this. You could have stopped it whenever you wanted it to end.”
“Whatever, Sean.” I felt the tears fall from my eyes. I turned around to hide my face, which I had never done before, and crossed my arms over my body.
“I didn’t use you, Scarlet.” His voice was gentle. The earlier harshness of his voice evaporated at the sight of my tears. He came closer to me, but he didn’t
touch me. “I’m sorry, Scar. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I had no idea that you felt—this way.”
“I told you I loved you,” I whispered. “You should have known.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did,” I snapped. “I may not have said those exact words, but it was obvious in every other way. I made love to you, I kissed you, and I held you in my arms while we slept. I haven’t dated anyone in a year and I have been at your beck and call whenever you needed me. I feel so stupid now.”
Sean didn’t say anything for a while. He put his hands in his pockets and sighed. “How long have you felt this way?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. Since the other day,” I said. “Or for always, I guess. I don’t know, Sean. All I know is that I love you and I thought you loved me, too. I thought we belonged together, but I guess you don’t agree.”
“Scar, I love you, too.”
“No, you don’t. Not in the way that I do.”
Sean put his hands on my shoulders and I didn’t move away. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t realize you felt this way. If I had known, I never would have let that happen. You know that, Scar. This was obviously just a huge misunderstanding.” He rubbed my shoulders and then my back, trying to calm me, but it wasn’t working whatsoever.
“Sean, I can look past this and move on, but there is something I can’t let go.”
“What?” he asked quietly. I could hear the fear in his voice. I moved away from him and faced him, not letting him touch me.
“You weren’t there for me when I needed you, and now when I think about it, you never have been.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I told you about my psychotic boss but you didn’t listen to a fucking word I said.”
“When?” he asked.
“At the bar—when you saw Penelope. You abandoned your best friend for a woman who doesn’t even care about you, Sean. She couldn’t give a shit about you. I needed you and you weren’t there for me.”
Sean shook his head. “I’m sorry, Scarlet, but that was just one instance. I have been there for you for everything else.”
“You risked our friendship just so you could get laid, disregarding my feelings entirely, and then you slept with my friend the very next day.”
“It didn’t mean anything, Scarlet.”
“So, I didn’t mean anything either?” Sean said nothing to my comment, clearly uncomfortable by the association. “Then why didn’t you sleep with me again instead? Was I not good enough for you?” The tears fell down my face and I felt weak and pathetic. I tried to hide my face and Sean reached for my hands, but I pushed him back with a shove. “Don’t touch me.”
“It isn’t like that. It just happened, that’s it. She came on to me—and—I reciprocated. Just like any single man would.”
“Fuck you, Sean.”
“Fuck you, Scarlet. I said I was sorry.” I saw the anger in his eyes and knew how upset he felt. “It isn’t my fault that you didn’t tell me what was going on with you. You could have told me at any other time and I would have listened—your timing just sucks. And I’m not a fucking mind reader. How was I supposed to know what you were feeling? You always tell me your thoughts, Scar. It’s one of the things I like about you so much. Janice finally told me what was happening to you at work. Janice, not you. And I listened to that voice mail and I couldn’t make anything out, but I did hear you yelling. Tell me what happened.”
“No,” I said as I shook my head.
“Tell me, Scarlet. I swear to god, I will fucking rip that fucker’s head off if he touched you. Don’t doubt me. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and you aren’t working there anymore. You can live with me until you find another job. I’ll take care of you, Scarlet.”
“No.”
“No, what?”
“I want nothing from you.”
“Don’t be like this, Scarlet. You are behaving like an annoying brat. I apologized for everything and I wish I had listened to you before. I admit what I did was wrong, and that’s the most you are getting out of me. Janice said you specifically said, on numerous occasions, you had absolutely no feelings for me. Of course I wouldn’t have fucked her if I had known how you, my best friend, felt. I love you, Scarlet and I know you need me right now. Now let me fucking take care of you.”
“I want you to leave.”
“No.”
“Yes. I want nothing to do with you.”
“What?”
“I said go.”
“Are you ending this with me?”
“You already did, Sean. I obviously don’t mean anything to you. You crossed a line you can never uncross. You slept with me and made me believe that you loved me. After everything I have done for you, this is how you treat me? I don’t want to see you anymore.”
“Stop this now.”
“I mean it, Sean. I held everything back because I knew how broken you already were and I didn’t want to make things worse. I kept secrets from you even though it killed me.”
Sean’s eyes widened. “What secrets?”
“You don’t want to know.”
He came closer to me. “Tell me, Scarlet.”
I knew I had to tell him eventually. Sean had the right to know. I was hoping I could tell him later, when his pain wasn’t so raw. “Penelope left you for someone else. She has been cheating on you for the past few months. I didn’t tell you because I wanted to protect you.”
Sean took a step back and his eyes widened in shock. His body shook with the fury in his veins. He closed his eyes and breathed for a few moments before he spoke. I had no idea what he was going to say.
“It is one thing to keep your personal secrets from me, since they are rightfully yours, even though you should still confide in me about something as huge as your boss harassing you and threatening to fire you if you don’t give him head, but to keep this from me is inexcusable. How could you do this to me, Scarlet? You had no right keeping something like that from me! Fuck you, Scarlet! Fuck you! This is way worse than what I did to you! You’re such a goddamn hypocrite.”
I looked away from him and said nothing. I didn’t know what to do. Sean had hurt me so much and he didn’t even realize it. I hated hurting him, hated what we had become, but I needed to be away from him. I didn’t even want to look at him. He loved Penelope and he would never love me in that way. He just used me to get off, and then he used my friend to do the same. Sean treated me like a complete stranger, like someone he didn’t value whatsoever. I thought I was special. I guess I was wrong. I didn’t feel comfortable telling him what had just happened to me, having Carl’s dick shoved in my face and being mugged in an alleyway, so I kept it to myself. Even though I wanted to confide in him, I no longer trusted him. The man broke my heart.
“I never want to speak to you again, Sean,” I said. “I want you to leave.”
He stared at me for a moment. “Scarlet, I will forgive you if you forgive me. I admit that what I did was wrong and I wasn’t thinking clearly, but you are just as wrong in this situation. You never should have assumed that I was committed to you, especially since you never told me how you felt. Penelope just dumped me. How could you possibly think I was ready to love someone else? And how could you keep something so important from me? If I had known she was cheating on me this entire time, I wouldn’t have been so depressed about the break up. Clearly, she’s a whore. Scarlet, you mean everything to me. I don’t want to lose you. You know I would never hurt you on purpose. We can move past this and work on our friendship, but this is the last chance. If you tell me to walk out that door and never speak to you again, I will do it. I feel just as betrayed as you do. It would be easy to forget about each other and move on, and I would rather not, so please reconsider. If you don’t, and you still want me to go, I will do as you ask and never speak to you again—if that’s what you really want.”
A few silent moments rippled through the air. The emotions of my heart steered
the thoughts of my mind and I finally found my answer. “I want you to leave.”
“Goodbye, Scarlet.” Sean tossed my key on the table and left.
15
I didn’t bother formally quitting my job at R and R. I just didn’t show up. I received a few phone calls from Janice and the human resources department, but I didn’t bother answering them. They could all go fuck themselves for all I cared.
I packed my bags and all my essentials, and headed to JFK Airport. I wasn’t going to finish my lease and I hoped my bedroom set would get my landlord some cash since I was basically screwing him over. I checked my phone every hour, wondering if I missed a call or message from Sean, but he kept his word and never contacted me.
When I was on the plane, I looked out the window and saw the skyscrapers in the distance, wondering if I could see the building that housed R and R Publishing. I realized I was never going to return to New York City—ever. That was my final goodbye. The plane took off and my final glimpse of New York disappeared—there was no turning back.
The night lights of Seattle caught my attention six hours later and I immediately recalled my memories of home. My brother and I grew up in Seattle. For college, I left for Boston, but my brother remained there, becoming a successful tattoo artist in downtown Seattle. My brother, Ryan, had no idea I was coming, and I hoped he didn’t mind me crashing with him. A part of me felt guilty for not telling Sean where I was going but I stayed strong. It would probably be several months before he found out that I’d moved away from the city. By then, I would be settled in Seattle, forgetting about him with the passing of every day. I wondered how long it would take for him to forget about me.
