“Not really.” Darcy shifted his weight a bit before adding, “It was just a bit unexpected.”
“I would not want you to experience any pain.” Elizabeth’s concern grew by the moment.
“I am well, I assure you,” he repeated his assessment. “Your concern is certainly admirable, but I am glad to have any memory return.”
The evening brought Darcy another restless night. Briefly, he dreamed of Georgiana and Elizabeth and their tenants in one of the public rooms at Pemberley. Mr. Harrison was there, too. He kept thinking Elizabeth was the most beautiful woman he ever saw, and he could not be happier knowing she was his at last.
Then he was transported back to before they were married. He saw what he assumed must be her home in Hertfordshire. He recognized only Mr. and Mrs. Bingley and Kitty in the dream, but he felt no stress. Instinctively, Darcy knew he prepared to ask her father for Mr. Bennet’s consent.
After dinner, Mr. Bennet made his usual retreat to his library, and Darcy followed.“Mr. Darcy.” Seeing this guest in his library surprised Mr. Bennet.“May I help you find something to read or would you care for a glass of port?”
“Thank you, Mr. Bennet,” Darcy cleared his voice, “but I would like to speak to you on a matter of importance.”
“Of course, Mr. Darcy, please have a seat.What may I do for you? It would give me pleasure to be of service to you.”
“Mr. Bennet.” Darcy paused, wondering how to tell Elizabeth’s father of his love.“I asked your daughter Elizabeth to be my wife, and she accepted my proposal. I come here tonight to ask your permission for our union.”
Mr. Bennet sat bolt upright in his chair and gripped the handles tightly.The color drained from his face, and he was momentarily speechless. “Mr. Darcy, are you sure? This is not some joke the family is playing, is it?” Mr. Bennet seemed to be looking for an explanation.
“Mr. Bennet, I realize you are unaware of my relationship with Miss Elizabeth. We have been more secretive than my friend Mr. Bingley. Our natures are not so open, but, I assure you, Elizabeth and I are deeply in love; she agreed to be my wife.” Darcy’s voice sounded calmer than his body felt.
Her father got up and walked to the window before he spoke again. “Mr. Darcy, I do not wish to offend you, but Elizabeth is my favorite of all my children. Her nature will not be dictated to; Elizabeth has a spirit I would not wish to see her caged by your society’s rules and regulations.”
“Mr. Bennet, I am well aware of your daughter’s spirit; she humbled me. I learned about myself thanks to her. I realize I offended Elizabeth at the Meryton Assembly, and from that you drew your opinion of me.”All this frankness made Mr. Bennet uncomfortable, but it also made him see Darcy in a different light. “When I saw Elizabeth care for Miss Bennet at Netherfield, I realized she was the type of person I would want to be a friend to my own sister Georgiana.We spent time together at Hunsford and most recently at my estate in Derbyshire. I did not fall in love with Elizabeth overnight; even when I thought we would never be together, my love for her stood the test. I adore Elizabeth.”
“Mr. Darcy, I understand your affection for my daughter, but you must understand as her father I want to be sure she is protected.You can provide for Elizabeth, no doubt, but I would prefer to speak to my daughter before I give my final consent. If Elizabeth loves you as you say, my consent will be yours immediately and willingly.”
Darcy thanked the man and said he would send Elizabeth to him shortly.“When you satisfy your inclinations, we can meet again regarding Elizabeth’s settlement, but please know I already decided to create a jointure for Elizabeth as part of the marriage articles; even without an heir, Pemberley will be hers.”
“Mr. Darcy, your being able to provide for Elizabeth is not my concern. Elizabeth will choose with her heart. If you own her heart, you are an incomparable man indeed.”
He woke with a start. Shaken, Darcy threw back the counterpane and stood beside the bed. Elizabeth’s hold on him increased the past week; defining what he felt about her troubled him. She invaded his thoughts during the day and during the night. Walking to the mantel, he ran his hand through his hair.
Darcy knew what he wanted to do; he wanted to go to his wife and lie beside her, to feel the regular beating of her heart as he took her in his arms. “Why not?” He said the words out loud.“She is my wife. I have rights, do I not?”
Unsure whether he could do what he thought, Darcy walked to the table and poured himself a brandy, which he gulped down, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Pouring another, Darcy downed it nearly as quickly as the first. On the third drink, he sat in the high-backed chair holding the glass to his lips and visualizing his sleeping wife’s face before him.
The three quick drinks steadied his nerves somewhat, but Darcy visibly shook when he found himself outside of Elizabeth’s bedchamber. His hand slowly turned the handle. In the dwindling candlelight, he saw Elizabeth lay across the bed, a book beside her and a pillow crushed in her embrace.
As if mesmerized, Darcy found himself beside her bed, drinking in her image. How innocently beautiful she looked lying there, her auburn curls draped across the pillow. Darcy debated briefly whether to leave her there alone and return to his own room. It was late; he should not disturb her, but he could not resist Elizabeth’s allure.
Elizabeth felt herself being lifted by the closeness of her husband. “Is this a dream?” she murmured softly while snuggling into his chest.
“It is no dream.” Darcy caressed her cheek with his lips. “You are chilled, and I would not want you to catch a cold.” He placed her back on the pillows and brought the coverlet up to bring her warmth. Leaning over her, Darcy began to tuck in the counterpane until Elizabeth’s arms snaked around his neck, pulling him toward her.“Elizabeth,” he whispered with desire.
“In my dreams you always kiss me.” Her words increased Darcy’s need for her.
His breath came hot against Elizabeth’s cheek. “I do not know why I came.”
“I do not care why you came,” she said, allowing her lips to brush against his,“as long as you are here.”
Darcy’s lips captured hers at last, and Elizabeth moaned with the pressure of his mouth on hers. In a breathy moment, Darcy pulled back as if to withdraw.“Please do not leave,” Elizabeth nearly begged.
Hesitation came while Darcy argued with himself on the question of should he stay or not, but then he looked back at the passion present in Elizabeth’s eyes, and he was lost to her. He removed his nightshirt and slid his long frame under the bedclothes, taking Elizabeth into his arms. “Help me to love you again,” he pleaded.
“You are mine, Fitzwilliam Darcy,” Elizabeth teased as she rubbed her hands across his chest and whispered in his ear. She kissed him deeply, promising her devotion.
Darcy allowed himself to take pleasure in touching her soft skin. “Elizabeth, I do not want to promise you something I cannot give; yet, there is no place else I want to be right now.” He began to kiss along her shoulder line and neck.
“Then there is no place else you should be.” Elizabeth pulled herself closer to him while kissing behind his ear. “Stay with me tonight.”
“Should I not be more of a gentleman? After all, you are with child.” He searched her eyes for an answer.
“Mr. Spencer says we may continue our relationship until my lying in.” She moved in close to him again, afraid Darcy would withdraw.
“I am afraid,” he said quietly, as if saying the words cost him something dearly.“I do not know how to please you; I have no memory of us.” He caressed her face with the back of his hand.
“Then let us discover each other together.” Elizabeth brushed his lips with hers. “I will give you a hint, my Husband,” she teased.“I love it when you call me Lizzy.”
“Come to me, Lizzy.” Darcy’s voice came thick with desire. He pulled her hips toward him and captured her mouth with his.
CHAPTER 18
“Why not seize pleasure at
once?
How often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparation!”
Jane Austen, Emma, 1815
If Elizabeth thought their night of passion would make their relationship come easier, she was sadly mistaken. Darcy withdrew into himself and avoided her through much of the day. She sulked about the house, at her wit’s end as to what to do next. During the night Darcy was responsive and tender and loving—just as Elizabeth remembered him to be, but the daylight brought her a different man. He seemed repulsed by her and indifferent to Elizabeth’s offers of civility.
Darcy planned to leave for London the next day, and Elizabeth did not wish him to be gone on such “strained” terms.Try as she may, she would let him leave without addressing the issue. She yearned for someone to advise her how to handle the situation, but there was no one to whom to turn. Neither Georgiana nor Kitty should even know what to expect in the marriage bedroom, nor how to advise her on how to handle her husband’s dual nature. She would give anything to be able to talk to Jane or her Aunt Gardiner; they would understand and not judge her for such a personal subject. There was nothing to do but to use her instincts and pray those instincts were in tune to Darcy.
Earlier, Elizabeth encouraged Mr. Harrison to wait until Monday morning to return to Hines Park. “No gentleman should travel on the Sabbath,” she reasoned,“even if your estate is only a few hours away.”
“Must you encourage my sister’s relationship with Mr. Harrison?” Darcy asked her sharply as he passed Elizabeth in the front foyer.
Elizabeth, already irritated by his foul mood, did not guard her words. “Your sister prefers Mr. Harrison’s company. There was a time, Mr. Darcy, you would want Georgiana to be happy; now it seems you want her simply to obey. My opinion of Mr. Harrison was never one of his inappropriateness for Georgiana, it only was with the timing of his entreaty.That opinion changed when Mr. Harrison protected Georgiana from George Wickham and the day he came here to help me with this estate while you were off kissing the gloved hand of Elizabeth Donnelly at Darling Hall.”
“If Mr. Harrison’s connections had not put my sister’s life in danger, I would not have gone to Hull in the first place,” he snapped.
“You cannot possibly be thinking of putting the blame for that ill-fated trip and your attack on Mr. Harrison,” Elizabeth hissed. She moved in closer to challenge Darcy.Trying to control the volume of her voice so as not to alert the whole household of their dispute, she continued, “It was Captain Rutherford whom we feared. Mr. Harrison shows nothing but the highest respect for Georgiana. He has a fine estate, worth six thousand pounds a year; he cares for Georgiana, and she has feelings for him. How is this such a bad arrangement for our sister?”
“It just goes to show how little you know about fine society.” Darcy’s words affected Elizabeth, but she did not move. His face was inches from hers. “Country society is not what I would choose for Georgiana. She will inhabit a world different from what you know.”
“I see we are back to my poor connections,” Elizabeth retorted, never once giving him forgiveness for his lack of civility. “Do you want me gone, too, Fitzwilliam?” she demanded.
“Of course not,” he began but then stopped short. They stood staring at each other. Darcy made grown men retreat with that stare, but Elizabeth refused to budge. Finally, he turned and walked away from her, retreating to his study and slamming the door along the way.
Hours later, Elizabeth came to him; Darcy sat behind his desk, his work left unfinished. Elizabeth’s light tap on the door brought him some relief. He held remorse for arguing with her earlier. “May I come in?” Elizabeth asked quietly, remaining at the door until she could assess his mood.
Darcy stood to greet her.“Please do.”
“Fitzwilliam, I am sorry for my foul temper earlier; it was unconscionable of me to speak to you thusly.” Elizabeth had practiced what she wanted to say to him. She would not apologize for her opinions, but she would offer regrets for her tone.
“I, too, was out of line.” To prove he forgave her, Darcy embraced her, pulling her to him so Elizabeth’s head rested on his chest. “I should be more considerate of your condition; I understand many women are temperamental when they are with child.” He stroked her head gently as he spoke.
Elizabeth paused, trying to decide whether she heard him correctly. She loosened his grip on her and walked several steps away before turning to Darcy and saying,“You cannot possibly think my opinion of your sister’s position has anything to do with my condition? Do not think I am just being emotional; my opinions have nothing to do with the child I carry.”
“Elizabeth,” he stammered,“I chose my words poorly. Please, I do not wish to leave tomorrow with our being at odds.”
Elizabeth’s countenance softened as she returned to Darcy’s arms.
“Sweet, Elizabeth, we should not argue,” he whispered, feeling the closeness of her body to his.
Elizabeth could not speak; being in Darcy’s arms was where she wanted to be, and she began to evaluate how much she was willing to give into him just to have this closeness continue.
“It is true Mr. Harrison could be a viable candidate for Georgiana,” Darcy said softly, “yet, I strongly believe a more suitable man exists, and I will find my sister such a match.” Darcy’s confidence played through his voice. “I seek your support with my sister, Elizabeth.You earned Georgiana’s trust, and I expect you to help me convince her otherwise.”
Again, her husband’s words affected her being, and impulsively, Elizabeth stiffened in his embrace.“Fitzwilliam, I do not think I can speak out against Mr. Harrison. Because I have Georgiana’s trust, I cannot betray her. If your sister affects another, then I will support her choice, but I will not try to convince her to go against her heart.”
“As my wife, you must do what I ask of you!” His voice rose in volume as he strode away from her.
Elizabeth’s face flushed.“Do not take the love, honor, and obey vow too seriously, Mr. Darcy. I am not of the nature to be reprimanded and expected to behave. My father tried for years, much to his chagrin, but I prefer sugar to vinegar in my dealings.”
“God, how did I become so ensnared?” Darcy threw up his hands in a lament.
A flash of anger sparked in her eyes.“Last night you seemed happy to be so ensnared!” Elizabeth nearly shouted.
“Please control your voice, Elizabeth,” Darcy seethed with fury.
“Of course, Mr. Darcy,” she spoke through gritted teeth. “Heaven forbid we show any emotion. Do you know, Fitzwilliam, you used to kiss me in front of the servants?”
“Maybe in Hertfordshire such lax impropriety is acceptable,” he quipped,“but I will maintain a standard at Pemberley.”
Elizabeth demanded sarcastically, “Please instruct me, Mr. Darcy—I am all ears. Make me an able student!”
Darcy moved in close so his words would not be misunderstood. “From what I experienced last night. . . .” He stopped short, stifling his words.
Emotion misted her eyes, and Elizabeth’s lip trembled, but her voice held no fear of Darcy’s presence. “Of what do you accuse me, Sir?”
“Nothing—I spoke out of place.” Darcy moved past her to return to his desk.
“Fitzwilliam, I cannot believe you think so poorly of me.” Tears streamed down her face.
“I never said anything,” he began.“I was surprised—that is all.”
She demanded,“Surprised! About what?”
“I assumed you might be. . . .”Again, Darcy could not say the words, but to Elizabeth’s dismay he, obviously, thought them.
Her voice shook, but Elizabeth spoke vehemently.“Sir, you seem to imply my low connections make me a pure wanton. What I know of the marriage bedroom, I learned from you. How dare you imply otherwise! It is my shame I love you enough to abandon my mother’s warnings. However, you will not have to worry about my shortcomings again; my bedroom door is closed to you, Sir.” Elizabeth turned on her heels and exited
the room.
At dinner, Elizabeth pretended a headache and excused herself from the meal. She could not face Darcy and his censure.What seemed a renewal of their relationship during the night now loomed like a wall through which there was no access. Her tears flowed constantly, and the pain of her loss hurt throughout her being. Darcy sent word to Elizabeth through Hannah he wished her to join them, but Elizabeth sent back her regrets. He tried to shrug off her refusal in front of the others in the household, but her reaction to his words earlier created a gulf between them.
Why did he react to their night together as such? He did not object during the throes of desire. His wife knew exactly what flamed his passion, and when Elizabeth touched him, Darcy’s willpower crumbled; yet, he could not in the light of day justify how their passion went beyond the laws of propriety, and how he allowed himself to be placed in such a position. Darcy could not imagine any gentleman taking such pleasures in his wife—maybe in his mistress, but never in his wife. A wife was to be treated gently and with respect. The contradiction, however, was Darcy wanted Elizabeth; he wanted her more than he could admit even to himself, but his desires mortified him. If he were to take her again, Darcy would treat Elizabeth with more respect—the respect she deserved as his wife and the Mistress of Pemberley.
Elizabeth paced back and forth in her room.Where had everything gone so wrong? She and Darcy faced every trial and found each other despite their earlier misconstructions; then her world imploded. Darcy lost his memories—their memories—and now he judged her, judged their devotion to each other by standards she had not considered to be in effect.When he came to her, she reacted to him the way she always had—not society and not propriety—only this conflagration, which connected them. The solace of Darcy’s embrace seemed so right, but now Elizabeth in a paroxysm of guilt regretted their intimacies. It was as if Darcy considered their time together a flagrant breach of propriety. How could she unlearn how to love him? How could she control her vulnerability to Darcy?
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