“Someone else is here?” Bruno demanded. “Where?”
Were they going to discover him all over again?
Lenny had been trying to ignore the chatter and concentrate on the hum. It was emanating from a spot directly behind Foo, in a place high on the console that featured nothing but a blank metal plate. That meant the first day cover was only a few feet away! If he could somehow get inside that console, find the way to open Foo’s secret compartment before they discovered any more about Lenny’s presence—well, he did have a way, didn’t he?
Lenny snapped his fingers.
“The letter?” Karnowski asked.
What? Oh, the letter. Lenny tore his eyes away from Sheila’s new outfit, half a dozen strips of neon black and green cloth crisscrossing her frame, showing so much skin the outfit looked more like a bikini than a pantsuit. She towered over her father—her heels had doubled in height.
“Photo shoot?” her father said in a strained voice.
“All Male Dictators Quarterly,” Sheila agreed. “But you were saying?”
“How could I forget?” Foo agreed. “We have an intruder in our midst!”
“We can’t have that,” Sheila said as she bent over to check a dial on the console before her. Lenny found his gaze wandering that way. She turned to her father. “Why don’t you check your swami supplies?”
Foo clapped his hands. “Brilliant idea! Sheila, we’ll make you an evil genius yet!”
He turned and flipped three seemingly random switches among the hundreds before him. The metal plate on the console slid away, revealing a large hidden recess within.
Lenny imagined he took a step back in surprise. The hum had become so loud it sounded like a rock song from the eighties. Lenny saw two things in the hidden space, a box labeled SWAMI INC., and the first day cover, sealed inside a small glass jar with a rubber cap.
“Get the kit,” Foo said, “and see what we can find.”
“You have found letter!” Karnowski cheered.
Indeed he had. Now Lenny needed to grab it and run.
Sheila pulled a small silver sphere from the box. “Perhaps the spirit sphere?”
Foo nodded his agreement. “Whoever lurks among us will be trapped in a matter of seconds.”
Trapped? Lenny hoped not. Anyway, he didn’t plan to stay around long enough for them to trap anything. He stepped around Sheila, his fingers brushing up against her scanty costume. They passed right through, as if Sheila wasn’t there. He stood directly in front of the hidden compartment.
“Karnowski says get out of there now!”
“One second.” He reached for the letter.
Wait a moment. It wasn’t Sheila who wasn’t really here, was it? How could Lenny grab the letter if his ghostly hands couldn’t touch anything?
The sphere spun in Sheila’s hand. “According to the swami, this thing can trap ghosts, astral projections, all sorts of things.”
It hummed at an entirely different frequency from the letter, a higher, grating noise. The sound was piercing. Lenny was having trouble concentrating.
“We’ve got you now!” Foo cackled.
“Is that Lenny?” Sheila asked with a frown.
“It’s hard to make out details,” Foo agreed.
“Even at the best of times, Lenny was a little indistinct,” Sheila agreed.
Lenny looked down at his ghostly self. He was glowing with a faint blue light. He felt like he had been caught in netting, as if something was brushing against his extremities; a web that was growing ever tighter. His legs were pinned together, his arms pressed close by his sides. He could barely move.
He just managed to snap his fingers.
And?
He still couldn’t move, not even to turn his head. He couldn’t speak. He was truly trapped in his trance state. He could do nothing but watch. Lenny waited. Something always changed when he snapped his fingers.
“We have you where we want you now, Lenny.”
Sheila stepped into his field of vision. This time, her scanty costume was made of shiny black leather That seemed to both push together and barely cover the most interesting parts of her body. And she carried a whip.
Foo cleared his throat. “I still don’t think those costumes are entirely appropriate for . . .” Words seemed to fail him.
“They’re doing a shoot for Dictator’s Domination Digest.” Sheila cracked the whip inches from Lenny’s glowing blue nose. “The publicity will be priceless.”
“Lenny!” Karnowski called urgently. “Say word! Say safe word!”
Lenny couldn’t open his mouth to say anything.
“What’s this?” Foo chuckled. “You’ve caught something else in your web.”
“Karnowski says—” The disembodied voice was garbled now. “Karnow—Kar–onoma—no—ommmmmmmm.”
The disembodied voice faded to silence.
“What is this thing?” Foo continued, looking at something outside Lenny’s line of sight. Had Karnowski’s voice taken physical form? “It doesn’t have much shape at all. Can we destroy it along with Lenny?”
“I don’t see why not.” Sheila rooted around in the swami box. “The vaporizer is in here somewhere.” She glanced back at Lenny. “He can’t move at all?” She flicked her whip. “Maybe, before we vaporize him, I can spend a few minutes working on my technique.”
Foo began to laugh. “We were needlessly worried about this attack. We easily defeated our foes at Terrifitemps! Anything they throw against us, we will overcome. Nothing can stop us now!”
“What am I, chopped liver?” a chipper voice replied.
“I’ve seen that horse somewhere before!” Foo exclaimed.
“A pooka in need is a horse indeed!” Bob agreed.
Sheila lifted up the sphere before her. “I don’t see why this device can’t capture pookas as well.”
The sphere’s whine rose higher in pitch.
“I know that one!” Bob agreed. He began to sing: “I’m pickin’ up good vibrations!”
“I don’t think this works on pookas,” Foo said, his voice a resigned monotone. “Didn’t the swami say that nothing worked on pookas?”
Sheila shook her head. “He just said pookas were difficult. Very difficult. Maybe there’s something in here.” She reached back into the box and pulled out a trade paperback. Lenny read the title: 1,000 Magical Cures Using Common Household Remedies.
Sheila paged quickly through the book.
“Let me just check the index. It would be under ‘P.’ Pasta, pistons, poltergeists—Here it is! Page 238!” She flipped to the middle of the book and read: “Eliminate unsightly pookas forever!”
“But pookas are your friends!” Bob countered. “Let me give you the top five reasons pookas are a welcome addition to any party—”
“I’ll need ammonia,” Sheila read from the book. “A couple of chocolate chip cookies. And a large paper bag.”
“Oh.” Bob paused as Foo’s minions assembled everything Sheila rattled off. “If you could just give me a second? Even pookas can benefit from a bit of quiet. Well, not very often, but still—”
“A losing lottery ticket,” she continued. “Mayonnaise.”
“Mayonnaise and pookas?” Bob actually sounded concerned. “Not the most winning combination. I feel there is something I need to say.”
“Ball bearings,” Sheila said, “and duct tape.”
“Wait a moment!” Bob replied. “It’s right on the tip of my tongue. Unomono? Onanoonoo?”
“Put them together!” Sheila ordered her minions as they rushed in from the four corners of the room. “Quickly!” She opened the book to reveal a diagram.
“Why can’t I remember—it’s like the mambo!” Bob’s voice cheered instantly. “Da-da-da-da-da-da!” He whinnied. “That’s it!
“Onomatopoeia!
” he cried in triumph.
The world went dark.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lenny opened his eyes. He lay flat on his back in the comedy club.
“Are you all right?” It was Lenore’s voice. She leaned over him in concern.
“We found the letter,” he replied, glad that he could talk again. “But it was far more dangerous than we imagined.”
That wasn’t what he really meant. The first day cover wasn’t dangerous by itself; it was everything that happened around the letter. Lenny did his best to explain, giving a quick summary to Lenore, Swami Phil, and the Baron. Like how his finger snapping seemed mostly to get Sheila to change clothes (Lenore seemed to frown a bit during his descriptions of the wardrobe), until one final snap led to the revelation of the first day cover. Which was in turn followed by his frustration with not being able to actually grab it and run.
Swami Phil nodded his head in admiration.
“You have had the most remarkable trance states that I have ever witnessed. Still, there are aspects of this process that I find worrisome. In both the past and present hypnotic events, problems escalated around you until even the complications had complications.”
A loud groan erupted to Lenny’s left. He sat up, and saw the ghost finder collapsed at the side of the stage.
“Karnowski cannot breathe,” the ghost finder rasped. “Karnowski needs rest.”
“We have our momentary casualties,” Phil acknowledged. “I believe both our ghost and our ghost finder will recover. But this situation leads to further concerns.
“Even though Lenny survives relatively unscathed, each of these trance events has veered ever closer toward chaos. Despite my earlier plans, I am afraid it would be too dangerous to attempt the final third of my original spell.”
“Then no ghost of Lenny yet to come?” Lenore asked.
Phil nodded. “The last spell might be beneficial, but it will have to wait. Besides, we have located the first day cover. And we have another method of obtaining it.”
He grinned at the others. “It’s time for a full frontal assault, with a little help, swami style. Allow me to explain.” He waved to the stage. “First, the letter and Lenny are intertwined. Whatever we do, Lenny has to be a part of this.”
He turned to look at Lenny. “Are you up for this?”
Lenny nodded. Aside from a bit if dizziness when he first woke up, he felt fine.
“Then we will simply grab the letter and get out of Foo’s secret hideout. The last third of your trance can wait until we’re in a safer place.”
“Wait!” the Baron interrupted. “My pets have a message!”
Lenny and the others turned to see the roaches milling about on the nearest wall. They spelled new words, black letters swirling against the red.
FOO HAS REGAINED
CONTROL OF HIS SECURITY
BETTER GET MOVING!
Phil nodded. “No time for subtlety, then. We’ll have to do the old swami smash and grab.”
“But what about Foo’s minions?” Lenore asked. “Won’t they try to stop us?”
“Not if they can’t see us.” The swami studied his hands. “I think I can manage a contact invisibility spell with a minimum of fuss.”
Lenny decided someone had to ask the question. “A contact invisibility spell?’
“A spell where the primaries stay invisible, as long as they stay in physical contact,” the swami explained. “I will be at the center of the spell. We’ll go in with one of you to either side of me.”
“Just two?” Lenore looked to the others in the room. “Lenny has to come. Who gets left behind?”
“Karnowski cannot stand!” the ghost hunter groaned from his fetal position on the floor.
“I’m on the mend! I can maintain my physical form for upwards of two—” The nameless ghost flickered out and then back into existence. “Well, maybe a minute and a half.”
“Both of them are better left behind.” The Baron dismissed Lenore’s concerns with a flick of his cape. “And as for me, I need no invisibility spells. I am a vampire. I will arrive as a chilling evening mist.”
Phil nodded his approval. “Hopefully that will add to the confusion.”
He waved to the others. “Lenore! Lenny! To my sides. We must clasp hands. Then we must move swiftly.” Lenny took Phil’s right hand while Lenore clasped his left. Phil said a few more words that made no particular sense. Lenny guessed it was the usual magic mumbo jumbo.
“I can see none of you!” the Baron called.
“We can see each other, but no one else can see us. Unless we are separated.” He let go of Lenny and Lenore’s hands.
“And now I can see both!” the Baron agreed.
“Good,” the swami agreed. “We all know the parameters of the spell. Grab my hand again, and let’s get that first day cover.”
Phil led the way, pulling the two others through the door. They rushed once more down the hallway Lenny had traveled in his trance. Another young man in a lab coat passed them without glancing their way. They turned the final corner that led to Foo.
“We’re in luck,” Phil whispered. “The door is open.” He led the two others, more slowly than before, into Foo’s inner chamber. More than a dozen men and women, some in lab coats, some in robes, were busily typing at workstations. A few were clustered at the far side of the room, studying flowcharts displayed on a large wall screen.
They crept silently through the crowd. So far, no one seemed to notice them at all.
They crept closer to Foo and his daughter. Beyond the two of them, Lenny knew, was the secret compartment that held the first day cover.
Sheila glared at her father. “Not another word about my outfit!” This time, her stylish pantsuit held three well-spaced holes, each strategically revealing a patch of skin beneath. “You wouldn’t talk to me that way if Mother were still here.”
“I told you I never want to talk about your mother,” Foo snapped. “We don’t have time for this argument. The security cameras are functioning again, and we’ve located our enemy.”
“Where?” Sheila asked.
“They’re hiding in the comedy club.”
“We have a comedy club?”
“It was never finished,” Foo admitted. “I just don’t find—well, that’s not important. Bruno, I need you to take a detail of security personnel down the hall.”
The burly head of security stepped forward to meet with Foo. But before either of them could say anything, they were interrupted by a song.
“You’re my lover! You’re my lover!”
Lenny recognized the ringtone.
“Someone is calling you here?” Foo demanded. “Now?”
Sheila glanced at her phone. “It’s more of an alarm, really. The swami installed an intruder app a couple weeks back. Something just set it off.”
“We have an intruder?” Bruno asked.
“You’re my lover! You’re my lover!” the phone agreed.
Sheila nodded. “We can’t see anybody, but we are not alone.”
“They can sense us even though we’re invisible?” Lenore whispered.
“I’m too thorough for my own good,” the swami whispered back.
“Bruno!” Foo shouted. “Call the entire security team in here. This room must be searched first.” He turned to look around the busy area. “Who could come in here without being seen? It has to be the swami.”
“Or Lenny,” Sheila added, frowning at the room in turn. “When something strange happens, it’s always Lenny.”
“We know you’re here,” Foo said in a loud voice. “Why not show yourself?”
“Lenny!” Phil whispered, in a tone just above the low hum of the surrounding computers. “Lead us toward the letter. We have to get out of here.”
“Is it you, swami?” Foo continued.
“You left us so suddenly, we haven’t had a chance to cancel your benefits package.”
“Lenny?” Sheila countered. “Is it you? Maybe I don’t want to kill you right away. Maybe we really need to talk.” She hugged her arms close to her chest. “Is it getting a little clammy in here?”
“You wouldn’t be cold if you wore clothes that covered more of your body!” her father chided.
Lenny saw the mist congeal around Sheila’s ankles. She shuddered. The Baron had arrived.
Lenore, Lenny, and Phil inched closer to the console directly behind Foo and Sheila.
“You can come back to us, Swami!” Foo continued. “Your old job is waiting for you. No hard feelings. Once we’ve conquered the world, your piece of the profit sharing should be phenomenal.”
“It is tempting.” The swami hesitated. “But no,” he continued, still in a whisper. “I am on the frontiers of swami science.” He pointed to the console. “How do we get this thing open?”
“Simple. Foo threw three switches.” Lenny looked at the hundreds of switches on the console before him. Which were the right three?
“Lenny? Talk to me!” Sheila insisted. “This is your last last chance. I really mean it this time.”
“Swami, you left too soon,” Foo insisted. “Not only will we defeat our enemies, but we will achieve total synergistic integration throughout our entire organization!”
“Don’t worry,” Phil whispered in Lenny’s ear. “Even I don’t know what that means.”
“Hey guys,” Lenore cut in with a whisper of her own. “Can’t we get the first day cover and get out of here?”
“Lenny just has to throw the correct switches,” Phil replied.
Lenny wondered if he could trust in his gift to pick out the right combination. But what would happen if he got the sequence wrong?
“I’ve got the security detail!” Bruno called from the hallway door.
“Excellent!’ Foo clapped his hands sharply. “Minions! Leave your stations. Line up in a row along the far wall. Security, you will fan out from the door and cover every inch of empty space between you and the minions. When you encounter something you can feel but cannot see—and I believe there are more then one of those invisible beings in the room—show it no mercy!”
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