Damn, admitting my shortcomings hurt like a bitch. Never had I laid myself bare in front of a woman the way I had with Emily. It had nothing to do with Lenox’s threat or Connor’s urging. There was something about Emily that made me want to open up and let her see me, my faults and scars included.
I wanted this woman in the worst kind of way. Emily was the only one who could soothe the ache in my chest – she was the cure. She was my only hope of salvation.
She now had the power to destroy me.
Chapter Thirteen
Emily
I knew the man had demons, some sort of pain that embedded itself into his bones. If you took the time to look at him, you could see it was always present. However, I never would’ve guessed it was the death of his child and the woman carrying his baby. With him being in the military, naturally I thought it had to do with the loss of someone in battle. I couldn’t imagine what they had all gone through. I knew how much I loved my son, and I didn’t think I’d be able to move on if something happened to him.
I now understood his unease around Jason and baby Carter, Lily and Lenox’s son. It wasn’t that he didn’t like kids, he was uncomfortable around them. A reminder of what he had lost. And here he was trying to sort my shit out, putting himself in constant close proximity to Jason. Another reason it might be better for me to leave. Only now, I didn’t want to run. My thoughts and emotions were all over the place. I had to make a decision here and now. This was not me. I wasn’t wishy-washy and indecisive. I was strong. Stay and fight, or leave and give up on Jasper. Connor would be mad; however, he’d get over it. Jasper would never forgive me. I would be throwing away any chance I had with him. Though he said it himself, he didn’t know if he was capable of being with me. Jason. Could I stay and keep Jason safe?
Jasper’s leg was still shaking under my cheek. My heart broke for him. He was so strong, he put on a good front pretending to always be happy. Joking and flirting to hide his pain. And everyone around him let him get away with it.
“I don’t think you’d hurt me or Jason. I think that everything that happened with you and Liz was circumstantial. I can’t pretend to know what was going through your head when she told you she was pregnant, but I do know that had Alesha lived, you would’ve been there for them. You would’ve taken care of them and been a good father. I’m sure you were both taken by surprise and emotional, and you both said things to each other that neither of you meant. We tend to lash out at those who are closest to us, the ones we know love us because we know we are safe with them. It doesn’t make it right, it’s just true.”
Jasper’s knee started to bounce a little harder, and I wrapped my arms around his leg to hold it still.
“You know what I was doing while Liz was alone carrying our baby?”
“I don’t,” I answered. “But I can imagine.”
Somehow, I didn’t think I wanted to hear what Jasper was doing all those months.
“I was out picking up women, not giving two shits about my responsibilities to Liz.”
My stomach twisted thinking about Jasper blowing through most of the women in the county, hell, most likely the state. Not out of disgust but jealousy. I was jealous he’d been with so many women.
“I want to proceed,” I told him.
“Proceed?” he asked.
I had made my decision. With a fire in my belly and new-found confidence I explained, “Earlier, you said you wanted me to have all the facts before we took things any further. We talked. Now I’m telling you I want to proceed. There are no guarantees in life, no promises can be made about the future. Neither of us knows if this will work out, but I want to see where it goes. The only promise I need from you is that you will treat Jason with kindness and not let him get hurt if things don’t work out. I’m not asking you to play daddy to my son, but I am asking you to treat him with respect. I’m a big girl and can handle my own heart, but he’s only six.”
Jasper was silent for so long I was worried he was trying to find a way to let me down easy. The promise I needed regarding Jason was a hard line for me. Either he promised, or he didn’t. If he didn’t, I was prepared to walk away with a broken heart. Better to do it now than later on. Jason had to come first.
“I promise,” Jasper finally said, and relief washed over me.
I didn’t know what this meant for us, but I wanted to jump up and dance I was so excited.
“We need to talk about something else.” Jasper’s tone brought me back to reality, all thoughts of dancing evaporated.
“About?” I prompted.
“We hope to have a lock on Liam by tonight. If not, I will continue to stay out in the Camaro and watch your house. We need to be vigilant about security; I had my security guy update your alarm system. Jason’s school needs to stay alert, which means I will have another talk with them. Also, when you are not with me, I need you to stay at home with the alarm on. I can drive you anywhere you need to be and Jason to and from school. I’m not asking this of you to be a controlling dick, I need this, Em. I need to know you and Jason are safe.”
I thought about his requests, and while I was more than a little ticked off he had spent more money on me, especially after the God knew how much on the trip for my mom, I wouldn’t fight with him about this. Partly because Jason’s safety was most important to me, and the other reason, he said he needed this from me. For his peace of mind, I would do as he asked.
“On one condition,” I said. “You don’t sleep in your car. That makes me feel…bad. You can sleep in the guest room or the couch.” It was on the tip of my tongue to say, or my bed preferably. However, at this juncture that might be a tad too forward. Though I wouldn’t mind it. Actually I really, really wanted him in my bed. Thoughts of us naked and him using that wicked tongue of his on all the sensitive areas of my body had me damn near panting with need.
“What about Jason? How will you explain me staying with you?” he asked.
The man was worried about whether or not he deserved to be around Jason when he continuously proved he was putting Jason’s safety and needs first. Jason might want to play on his cell phone. Jason’s school needed to be kept up to date. What will Jason think? He couldn’t see past his guilt. That was going to have to change.
“I’ll tell him…your house is being fumigated.” I smiled at the easy solution.
“As long as you’re both comfortable with it, I’ll take the couch,” he agreed.
“Great. Pack a bag and let’s go pick up Jason.” I scooched out from between his legs and stood up.
“Damn, you’re bossy, woman.” Jasper laughed.
“You have no idea.” I winked.
Jasper was on his feet invading my space, with his hands loosely fisting my hair before I could take my next breath.
“Is that so?” His lips were once again close, so damn close I wanted to remove the space but was enjoying his playfulness too much to stop it.
“You think you can handle my bossy side?” I whispered trying not to inch forward.
“The question is can you handle me?”
Jasper jerked his hips forward, pressing his thick hard-on against my belly.
“I’m not sure, but it will be damn fun trying to find out.”
This time it was me who closed the distance and kissed him. I didn’t take it slow like he had. Instead, I pushed my way in and took everything I needed from him. Our tongues tangled, his grip on my hair tightened, and I rubbed myself harder against his erection. He broke the kiss, but not the connection.
“Em, sweetheart, I’m gonna come in my pants if we don’t stop. Your sexy little body rubbing over me is too much.” My desire ratcheted up tenfold with his words and my confidence grew. “I’m serious. We have to go, and this is not how I want to get off the first time I’m with you.”
He might not want the first time to be like this, but I was all for the both of us finding some relief. Jasper had awoken something in me that had laid dormant for a very long time. Not that I would
ever admit this to anyone, ever, but I hadn’t even masturbated in all these years. I had been completely celibate, self-love included.
He gently kissed the corner of my mouth and pulled away. I looked down as he adjusted himself in his pants. I would’ve gladly helped him had he asked.
“I’m gonna grab a few things. I think it’s best if we hurry and leave. I only have so much control and the way you’re looking down at my dick has me ready to snap.”
My insides were doing somersaults at the thought of Jasper being as turned on as I was.
***
We picked up Jason from school and made the stops I needed before we headed back to my house. Along the way, my mom had called to tell me what a doll Connor was and how he had transferred his ticket to California in her name. He had even changed the hotel reservation to a beach resort in San Diego. She prattled on and on about what a shame it was that Connor had to work but she’d always wanted to go to California. Connor had apparently also included some day excursions in her once-in-a-lifetime vacation. I was going to kill both of them. Connor and Jasper. Connor was having a grand old-time spending Jasper’s money. Jasper hadn’t batted an eyelash at the cost of the trip.
I didn’t know what Jasper’s financial situation was. However, I knew mine. It was going to take me forever to pay him back for this or I’d have to pull money out of savings. I tried not to touch that money. Steven’s death benefits were supposed to be off-limits. I didn’t feel right spending that money on frivolous things like sending my mom to California just so she’d be out of my hair. Well, I guess that wasn’t entirely the case. It was more for her safety, I supposed. Thankfully, in my mom’s excitement she hadn’t asked how I was or how my job search was going.
On our way to the grocery store, I asked the guys what they wanted for dinner. Jason asked for pizza, his go-to dinner. Jasper agreed before I could tell him no. Jasper said he wanted me to relax, so either he cooked or we ordered out. I didn’t want him to cook more than I didn’t want pizza. The three of us walked around the store together. I was in the produce section going over my shopping list on my phone when I heard Jason ask Jasper what fumigation was.
I had told Jason that Jasper would be staying with us for a few days. He responded as I had expected, and didn’t care when I asked him if he was okay with the plan.
“Sometimes when you have bugs in your house, you have to hire a fumigator to come in and kill all the bugs. The fumes are poisonous, and you can’t breathe them or you’ll get sick,” Jasper explained.
“Bugs? What kind of bugs?” Jason questioned.
I pretended not to hear their conversation, interested in how Jasper was going to answer.
“Ants. Lots and lots of ants.”
I couldn’t help the laugh that broke free trying to imagine Jasper’s spotless house having a single ant, let alone an infestation.
“Sometimes Mommy forgets to take out the trash and there are ants in our house. Do we need to have the poison, too?” Jason asked.
“No, bud, I’m sure your house is fine.” Jasper laughed.
I couldn’t believe Jason had thrown me under the bus and told Jasper we had ants. Sheesh, it’s not like I forgot all the time, just sometimes…
***
After the day I’d had, I was happy to be home relaxing on my couch with a belly full of pizza – even if wasn’t my favorite – watching Jasper explain some video game on his phone to Jason. I was doing a good job keeping myself in check and not letting my mind drift to how much I wanted a family. Not that I didn’t have one now, but a family with a husband and wife and kids.
Maybe one day.
“Jason, it’s time for bed,” I announced.
“Mommm,” he whined.
“I already gave you five more minutes. Please make sure your backpack’s by the door, with your homework in it, and go brush your teeth. I’ll be back to tuck you in when you’re done.”
“Okay. Thanks, for letting me play on your phone again, Jasper.”
“Anytime, bud.”
Jason handed Jasper back his phone and went about completing the task of finding his homework.
“Sorry if he ran down your battery again,” I apologized.
“It’s not a problem. That’s why I grabbed a work phone.”
Jasper had been checking his work phone all night, texting and leaving the room to take calls. I was waiting until after Jason went to bed before I asked if there were any updates on Liam.
“How long before Jason’s asleep?” Jasper asked.
“He’s usually out pretty fast, why?”
My girly parts started tingling again at the thought he wanted alone time with me.
“I’m gonna do a quick walk around the house and show you how to use your new alarm. After that, I want to fill you in on what’s going on.”
“Oh.”
That was…a total let down. Though I did want an update. My idea of alone time seemed more fun than alarm instruction.
He stood when I did and blocked my path not allowing me to pass. “Disappointed?” he whispered, careful not to get too close to me in case Jason came back.
“Extremely,” I answered.
“You’re gonna be the death of me woman,” he groaned. “Is Jason a sound sleeper?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Good because after alarm 101, I’m gonna make you scream,” he vowed.
The tingling started again, and suddenly alarm one oh one didn’t sound so bad.
“I can be quiet,” I told him.
“Em, if you’re quiet I’m doing something wrong.”
“Mommm. I’m ready,” Jason yelled from his bedroom.
Neither of us moved, both of us smiling. His blue eyes danced with mischief, and for the first time since I had met him, some of the shadows were gone.
Chapter Fourteen
Jasper
I checked the perimeter and walked Emily through the new alarm system. It was straightforward and much like her old one. She was so fucking cute chewing on her bottom lip in concentration. I wondered if she was really paying attention or if it was the promise of me making her scream had her daydreaming. Once the alarm was set, I told her to go get in bed and I’d be back there shortly.
“It’s early,” she complained.
“It’s almost nine-thirty and the lights are out in the living room by ten,” I reminded her.
“How do… ah, the stalking,” she smiled.
“The protecting,” I corrected.
Even though her tone was joking, the way she said it made me sound like I was some perv sitting outside her house waiting to peek in on her. Not that the thought hadn’t crossed my mind a time or two.
“Stalking, protecting. Eh, same difference.”
She turned, and my eyes landed on her ass as she strutted back to her room. I didn’t know if the sexy sway of hips was for my benefit or if that was her normal stride. I hadn’t had the pleasure of watching her walk away enough to know for sure.
I checked the doors and windows and turned off the lights. After making sure everything was secured, I stood outside of her door giving myself a mental pep talk, or more honestly, I gave my dick a stern talking to.
I tapped on the door and waited for Emily to answer.
She opened the door, and I had to force myself to stand still. She had taken her long hair down and brushed it silky straight. I was a sucker for long hair. Some men like tits or ass, I liked all different shapes and sizes. Others liked a woman’s smile or eyes. My number one turn on was long hair, and she had it in spades. Her pretty face was free from the minimal makeup she wore making her look younger than twenty-six. When her wide smile greeted me, I couldn’t get over how gorgeous she was. She stepped aside to allow me to enter, and I had to remind my dick tonight wasn’t about him.
Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. I had to talk to her, and being in a room with a bed was not going to make that easy.
“You okay?” she asked.
Was I okay? H
ell no. I wanted to rip her clothes off and do any number of very filthy things to her. The situation was actually comical. Me, the man that had spent years taking nameless, faceless women home, had no idea what to do. I knew what I wanted to do, but it was too soon for that.
I racked my mind for something to say, something to break the awkwardness of the moment, but I was coming up blank.
“Listen, Jasper. If you’ve changed your mind, I understand. No hard…” Emily started to say.
“No.” Changed my mind? Shit, she had the wrong idea. “I’ve never done this before. I’m kinda lost here,” I admitted.
“Never done…what?” she asked.
Shit, now I was making myself look like a fucking idiot.
“Let’s sit down, and I’ll explain.”
Emily climbed on the bed and crawled to the middle and crossed her legs Indian style. So damn cute.
“I haven’t changed my mind. I’ve just never done this with a woman.”
“Done what, Jasper? I’m not being obtuse. I just don’t understand.”
No, I guess she wouldn’t understand because I wasn’t making sense. And in order to explain, I was going to make myself sound like a douchebag.
“I’ve never talked about personal stuff with a woman like I have with you. Or sat on her living room floor watching Discovery channel while eating pizza. There haven’t been feelings tied together with my attraction. Not since Liz. And even then, it was free and easy, a deep friendship, not a love connection. With everyone else, we fuck, I leave. End of story.” She winced at my crass explanation, but that was the truth. “Other women never got any other part of me. No lingering kisses because I had to know what she tasted like. No comforting and hugging. This is different for me. There are feelings involved, and I don’t want to screw it up.”
“Then don’t run out the door when we’re done and we’ll be fine,” she joked.
“That’s the thing. As badly as I want to jump in that bed with you and take you now, I’m not going to. I want to do this slow. Learn you, and not just your body.” I pulled my holster off my hip and set it on the nightstand and climbed on the bed, pushing her flat on her back. She struggled to get her legs uncrossed and around my hips when I settled over her. “I want to know all your secrets, your deepest desires. I want you to need me.” She hooked her legs around my hips and dug her heels into my ass. “Once I’m so deep under your skin you can’t find where you end and I begin, then we’ll know it’s time. Until then, I’m gonna enjoy every last second getting to know this body of yours.” I stopped to breathe in the flowery smell on her neck, placing a few kisses there on my way to her mouth. Emily moaned and arched her back. “Oh yeah, this is gonna be so much fun.”
Freeing Jasper Page 10
