“How the fuck would I make things right with Liz? She’s dead, remember? She died, alone, delivering my dead baby because I was too busy fucking the memory of her out of my head.”
Ouch. I really didn’t want to hear that, but he was proving my point.
“How’d that work out for you?” I asked. “Did it work? Did fucking any of those women make you forget Liz or Alesha? Did any of them make you feel better? God knows there were thousands, Jasper. At any point did any of them look past your dick and into your soul and magically reach in and pull the memory of your daughter from your head?”
“Not until you. Not until I met you, and for the first time since they died I felt something, a moment of peace where I didn’t remember them.”
Jesus Christ that was the best and the worst thing I had ever heard in my life.
“I want you to find peace in our love. I want to be the one who soothes the broken pieces. I want to be the one who helps you heal, not forget. You need to remember them. I want to remember them. They are a part of you, your history. I love them because I love all of you. The good and the bad. You have to forgive yourself. You’ll never be ready to make promises to me, to us, if you don’t. We’ll never be able to have a future, a family, children of our own until you forgive yourself.”
“You want more kids?” His face paled.
“Yes, and I want them with you. Jasper, I will help you. I will stand by you every step. But, you have to start, take the first step in forgiving yourself, and I promise you I will hold us together the rest of the way.”
“I have to go,” he said.
My heart dropped to the floor precariously teetering on the edge of the cliff. One wrong move and it would be shattered forever.
The door slammed behind him.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jasper
“Shane thought you might be here,” Lily’s voice stopped my next punch from landing on the bag still swinging in front of me.
My anger spiked then I remembered she was pregnant. “Everything alright?” I turned to look at her.
“No.”
“Where’s Lenox? Is the baby okay?” I stalked to her. Was she crazy? Why was she all the way out here?
“Shane’s in the car with Carter. I asked to come in first,” she explained.
“Why?”
“To tell you this,” she started. “When you and the guys came to get me when I ran from Shane you told me something. I’ve never forgotten your words. While you're trying to figure out whatever is going on in your head, I want you to remember what you said to me: When two people are destined to be together and share the love that you two have, there is no getting over the other person. You have to ask yourself, do you and Emily share that same love? The same kind of love that you told me I’d never get over in a thousand lifetimes. If you do, you better hold on with both hands because I’m telling you what’s on the other side of this is worth it.”
“You don’t understand.” What the fuck. This wasn’t about whether I wanted to be with Emily. I loved her.
“I do understand. I understand that you are getting ready to throw something beautiful away because you refuse to let the shadows that still clouds your vision go. I love you, Jasper. I have never pried or pushed you to talk. But you have to know it hurts me to see you in pain and not let anyone in. And just because you told the guys what happened, doesn’t mean you’ve let them in. It just means you told them a sad story.”
After that gut check, Lily didn’t wait for my response. She turned on her heel and walked out of the shed. I started back to my punching bag when the door opened again. Jesus Christ, was I Ebenezer Scrooge and being visited by my past, present, and future? That was impossible. My past was dead, and my future was fucked.
“You gotta minute?” Oh, good it was Clark. He was the less touchy-feely of the guys. He hated messes that included things like feelings and emotions. He avoided those topics like the plague.
“Whatcha got?” I asked.
“For fuck sakes, get a towel, your knuckles are dripping blood all over the concrete.”
I looked down at my hands not even realizing they were bleeding. I hadn’t bothered with gloves; I welcomed the pain of my bare fist slamming into the black vinyl. I cleaned my knuckles and sat in the desk chair opposite of him.
Clark took a minute to gather his thoughts before he began. “I don’t like to pry into others’ personal shit. I figured when you were ready, you’d share more. But you haven’t.”
“Nothing more to share. I told you all the whole story.”
“Wrong answer. You shared what happened, not what you’re still going through. Which I gotta tell you is insulting. You think none of us notice you’re hurting, but all of us wanted to give you privacy.”
“Seriously? Since when have any of us opened up about feelings? Especially you. You're wired tight, brother,” I reminded him.
“True. However, I know that if my shit got to be too much, you’d all have my back. So far, I’ve been able to carry my burden. You, not so much. I suspect it’s because while my shit is painful, it doesn’t compare to losing a child the way you did.” When I remained silent, he shook his head and continued. “I know a little about the guilt you’re carrying around. You know the last thing I said to my little brother before he died?”
“No.”
Clark never talked about his brother. He was killed when the transport helo he was in was shot down by an RPG.
“I wish you were dead. That was after I caught him in bed with my wife and kicked his ass. He left for his deployment a few weeks later.” I had no idea Clark had been married. “I know the regret of doing and saying something and never getting the chance to make it right. I live with the fact my brother died knowing I wanted him to die. And in that fit of rage, I might’ve wanted to kill him. But I didn’t, and as pissed as I was he was fucking my wife, I still loved him. I left that night and never looked back.”
“Fuck man, I had no idea. I don’t know what to say.”
“Nothing to say. I told you that fucked up family drama so I could tell you this. I had to forgive myself. The weight of that guilt was crushing. It affected all aspects of my life. It’s time for you to let it go, too. You’re gonna lose Emily if you don’t.”
“How do you know that? Did you talk to her?” I asked.
“Didn’t have to talk to her, man, that woman for reasons only known to her loves you. Unlike all the other bar skanks you’ve screwed over the years, she sees you. Not your uniform, or your wallet, and not your dick. She wants you. You can’t give her that unless you fix yourself. I’d bet my next re-up bonus she’ll wait for you if you ask her to. But if you wait and fuck around, she’ll find someone who’s willing to put in the work and give her a family. Christ, you freaked out last night when Lily told us she was pregnant. How are you gonna give that woman babies when you can’t even see Lily pregnant?”
“I don’t want kids.”
“Bullshit. Go blow smoke up someone else’s ass. I see you with Jason. You adore that kid.”
“I do. He’s a cool kid.” Clark sat quietly and waited me out, I couldn’t bullshit him. “I bailed on Liz, like a scared boy. And I just did it to Emily. She asked me to forgive myself, even promised me she’d help. And what did I do? I fucking ran. How the hell can I be a father when I can’t even be the man my woman needs?”
“I can’t answer that. Only you can. I can tell you this, you and I? We’ve been in some tight spots together, unfriendlies all around, pinned down, and when I thought all hope of getting out alive was gone, there was you, taking my six and pulling us through. It’s in you, you just can’t see it through your guilt.” Clark stood and picked his phone up off the desk. “Sort your shit. Do what you do best, tighten the kill chain.”
“Find, track, fix, and kill,” I said.
“You’ve found the problem, now track it, fix it, and kill that shit, so it never comes back to haunt you.”
Long after he was go
ne, I sat at my desk thinking about everything Emily, Lily, and Clark had said. The answer to my problem was simple – the execution not so much.
I made a few phone calls and sent a text to Emily.
I’m not running. I need a few days.
Her response came quick.
Okay. I’ll go stay at Lily’s.
The hell she would.
Please stay at the house. I need to know that you are sleeping in our bed.
There still wasn’t a response by the time I had locked up the shed and got in my car. I was about to abandon my plan and go directly to her when my phone vibrated.
Okay.
I drove to the airport and parked in the long-term parking. I hadn’t bothered purchasing a ticket in advance. It was going to cost a mint either way. After trying two airlines, I finally found one with a direct flight to Montana leaving within the hour. By the time I made it through security and to the gate, the flight was boarding.
It was time to face what I’d done.
***
Liz’s sister wasn’t hard to track down. I debated going to see her parents as soon as I landed, but I had to make things right with Reagan first.
I knocked on the door, and I was a little taken aback when a man answered. “Is Reagan here?” I asked.
“Yeah, can I tell her who’s here?” he asked.
I thought about telling him to tell her douchebag was here, but I opted for my name instead. He closed the door behind him, and moments later Reagan appeared in front of me. A little apprehensive but oddly enough not surprised. Which was crazy because I was shocked I was standing in front of her.
“I wondered how long it would take you to come,” she said. “Come in.” She opened the door wide and stepped aside.
If I was overseas I would think this was some sort of ambush; no way should she be inviting me into her home. I had to remind myself that this was Liz’s sister inviting me in, not some Jihadi terrorist. I was actually surprised she didn’t tell me to fuck off and slam the door in my face
“Nice place you have here,” I said for a lack of anything else to say.
“You didn’t come all this way to talk about my house, Jasper.”
“No. I came here to apologize. Only, on the way over here, I realized that there’s nothing I can say to make things right. I abandoned your sister, my friend, and my child. That makes me the lowest form of shit. However, I wanted you to know, when I called Liz I was calling to tell her I was on my way. Way too late, I know.”
I waited for her to kick me out, or scream at me, hell I was waiting for the man that answered the door to come in the room and try to kick my ass. I wouldn’t have blamed them if they had.
“You know, Eliza would be really pissed at me if she was alive for me telling you to go to hell. She always said that in another life, the two of you would sail off into the sunset together. You know Liz, always the dreamer.” I smiled and remembered the way Liz always looked at everything through rose-tinted glasses. She believed in fairy tales. “She knew that you had a different calling and was proud of you for following your heart. And don’t worry that she wasn’t pining away for you, she just had a special soft spot for you.”
I knew Liz did, and I had one for her. We were each other’s firsts in high school. That was another reason this was so hard. Liz had been there for all the important things in my life through high school, and after we split, we were still just as close. I knew about every boyfriend she had. She told me everything.
“Anyway, I’m sorry for what I said to you. I was hurting badly. Losing Alesha and Liz the same day the way we did, I wasn’t thinking. I should’ve told you what happened. Despite what went on between the two of you, you had a right to know. I have some stuff for you.”
Reagan broke down and started crying and sat on the couch. I sat next to her and pulled her in for a hug.
“I’m so sorry, Rea. I’ll never forgive myself.”
How could I let go of my guilt when my actions caused so much grief to Liz’s family? I deserved to carry it around with me for the rest of my life. Emily and Jason were better off with a man that was whole and could take care of them. It was better she found out now before she wasted any more time with me.
“She wrote to you, Liz did. She kept a journal. She knew that you’d come around, and when you did, you’d want to know everything you’d missed. So she wrote everything down for you so she wouldn’t forget. I’m sorry I read the journal. I know it was wrong, but I missed her so much I needed to have a part of her, even if it was just seeing her handwriting. Hold on.”
Reagan stood and jogged to the back of the house before I could stop her. When she came back with a red leather-bound book, I put my hand up to stop her.
“I don’t deserve that. You should keep it, Rea.”
“How long have I known you?” she asked.
That was an odd question. “I don’t know the exact years. But a long time.”
“Long enough to know that you’ve been beating yourself up for the last four years. You made a mistake, and you were a dick. But that mistake did not kill my sister or Alesha. Even if you had been with Liz, she’d still be dead. What happened was horrible, but no one’s fault.”
“I might not have been able to prevent it, but I still abandoned her. And she died alone and scared.”
“No, she didn’t. Is that what you’ve thought?” I nodded my head and closed my eyes pulling up the scene in the hospital the way I’d imagined it to be. “She wasn’t alone. Alesha hadn’t moved in a few hours. She called her doctor, he said to drink some orange juice and lie down. She did, an hour later the baby still hadn’t moved. When she called her doctor back, he told her to go to the hospital and go to labor and delivery and he’d meet her there. I picked her up and took her. We were planning on going shopping after.” Reagan took a deep breath before she finished her story. “There was no heartbeat. An ultrasound machine was brought in and confirmed that Alesha was gone. My parents came to the hospital, and it took hours for us to calm her down before she’d let the doctor start to induce her labor. Alesha was delivered, and Liz went into cardiac arrest, and her lungs stopped working. The doctors tried everything to save her. And I know you won’t believe this.” Reagan had to stop again to regain her composure. “But it’s almost like she gave up. She couldn’t bear to live without Alesha and didn’t fight to stay here with us.”
I believed that Reagan thought that Liz let go to be with Alesha, and I wasn’t going to offer her my thoughts. If Reagan needed that to make things easier, who was I to question her?
“Thank you for being with her when I wasn’t. That will always be my biggest regret.”
“Don’t let one regret ruin your life. You deserve to be happy. One bad choice shouldn’t define the rest of your life. You know my sister would hate that for you. You have to forgive yourself so you can move on.”
“I’ve already heard that more than once today,” I mumbled.
“Really? Is that why you’re here?” she asked.
I told Reagan the story. First how I met Emily and how I behaved when I found out she had a child, to the robbery, all the way through today. I told her about Lily and Lenox and how I left the hospital when their child was born. What I did leave out of the story was how I’d whored around all these years. I sounded like a big enough douche already.
“Wow. You really love her, don’t you?” Reagan smiled.
I was a little uncomfortable talking about loving Emily with Liz’s sister, but she deserved the truth. “More than anything. She’s everything. She brightens every part of my dark soul. And Jason, that boy is something else. You know at six he can help me take apart a carburetor and clean it. The boy loves to build…” Reagan had tears streaming down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, no, these are happy tears. I’m happy for you. You should be happy living your life.”
“How can you want that for me? How can you forgive me after everything
I did to Liz?”
“There’s nothing for me to forgive. And Liz already forgave you, a long time ago. You need to read her journal. You’ll understand.”
“Let me get you one more thing.” Reagan disappeared back down the hall, and I was in a daze. Why was she letting me off the hook? She should be pissed and raging, hitting me, anything. Instead, she was compassionate and kind. “You should have this.” Reagan held out a shoe box.
“Don’t open it here. Wait until you’re ready. But they belong to you.” I stood to take the box from her. “One more thing before you go. Well, two. Forgive yourself and move on with Emily. Don’t let her go. And now that all of this is, I don’t know, out in the open, can we please keep in touch? I didn’t just lose Liz and Alesha. I lost you, too. Maybe we both needed time to heal, but I miss my Taco Tuesday texts. I have missed you.”
I threw my head back and belted out a laugh. I couldn’t believe that Reagan remembered the Taco Tuesday texts. While everyone was sending around “hump day” texts, me, Liz, and Reagan exchanged Taco Tuesday. It wasn’t every Tuesday or very often but enough to make you laugh when out of the blue you’d get a Tuesday message.
“I missed you, too. There are some things I need to work out before I go home to Emily. She deserves me to be whole when I go to her.”
“Are you staying in town long?”
“No. I have a few stops then I thought I’d go by and see your parents,” I told her.
“No dice, friend. They got the hell out of here and moved to Florida. Dad retired. And Mom said there was no way she was sitting in the house with him all winter with nothing to do. Dad plays golf three times a week, and Mom gardens and paints. Well, she calls it painting, but it’s those paint by number things.” Reagan chuckled.
“No shit? Good for them. I had no idea they moved. You didn’t want to go?” I asked.
Freeing Jasper Page 17
