by Tim Miller
Her ankle was beginning to throb where she had been bitten. She had no idea if she’d been poisoned or not. She closed her eyes as the snakes crawled over and under them, every muscle in her body tensed. Stacy trembled in her arms. After several minutes, April no longer felt the snakes on top of her. Opening her eyes, there were still a few, but they were dispersing. Many were slithering around the corner or under the mirrors.
“Stacy!” she said. “Are you ok? Are you bit?”
“No,” she mumbled.
“No you’re not ok? Or no you’re not bit?”
“I’m not fucking bit. But I’m pretty far from ok.”
“Fair enough. We have to move,” April said pulling Stacy to her feet. The blood on her face had mostly dried, leaving brown crust all over her face and hair. Most of the snakes were headed in the direction they’d last seen the large clown, so they decided to go the opposite way.
April looked at her ankle that had been bitten and it was swollen, but not too badly. Whatever bit her wasn’t poisonous.
“Who was that running past us?” Stacy asked.
“It was Todd. The clown got him.”
“Oh.”
They said nothing as they wove through the maze. They came to a stop after one corner. There was a body lying on the ground several feet away. It was Kim.
“Kim!” Stacy said as she ran over to her, kneeling down next to her body. April put her hand over her mouth as she took in the sight. Kim’s eyes were closed, but her mouth was gaping open. Blood was pooled all around her, and her abdomen had been ripped wide open. Her intestines were pulled out and strung alongside her body. The end looked like it had been chewed on.
Stacy held Kim’s hand, crying.
“No! No! No!” Stacy sobbed. “What did this to her? Why?”
“I don’t know. We should keep moving. Whatever did it can’t be too far away.”
“We can’t just leave her here.”
“We’ll come back for her if we can. She’s gone Stacy. I’m sorry. But we can’t help her. We can’t help Todd either. What we can do is get the hell out of here. I’m sure Kim wouldn’t want you to die too.”
Stacy nodded, kissed Kim’s hand and laid it across her body before she stood. She wiped the blood and tears from her face and looked up at April. They both headed around the next corner and wove through the maze. Just ahead they heard someone laughing. It was a bizarre, high pitched sound, not like the clowns had made.
“What is that?” Stacy asked.
“I don’t know,” April said.
“Should we go back?”
“It’s not safe that way.”
“Fuck.”
They pressed forward when they heard the laughter again. This time it was even louder. They stopped and looked at each other, when from around the corner emerged a tiny little clown. His hair was red and frizzy, with a bright red smile painted on and dark dots around his eyes. He was naked and his whole body was ghostly white.
“What in the hell?” April said.
“Is that a midget clown?”
The little clown laughed again and jumped up and down pointing at them.
“More play!” he squealed. “More play!” And then he charged at them, grabbed April’s leg and bit into it. She kicked her leg sending him flying into one of the mirrors, shattering it.
“Ow! You little fucker!” April yelled.
The little clown stood and dusted himself off and this time charged at Stacy. April noticed his strange little penis with a rubber bulb at the end. Stacy stood frozen as the thing charged. Before it could reach her, April stepped in with a roundhouse kick, nailing him in the face with her shin. It had been awhile since she’d practiced the martial arts her dad had taught her, but she was happy to see she still had some moves.
The little clown’s legs went out from under him as he flew flat onto his back. He jumped to his feet and screamed as he ran back around the corner.
“Daddy!” he screamed as he ran away.
The girls looked at each other as he disappeared.
“What in the fuck?” Stacy said.
“I have no idea.”
“Now what? I don’t want to go that way.”
“We know what is back there though. We have to find the end of this fucking thing if we want to get out of here,” April said. “Unless there’s another way?”
“What other way?”
April looked around and looked up. Each of the mirrors stood over seven feet high. No way could she climb over them. She noticed each set of mirrors wasn’t back to back. There were actual walls between each mirror and they were several feet thick. April approached the mirror that the little clown had busted. There was still glass hanging down. She pulled her shirt off, wrapped it around her hand and used it to knock the rest of the glass away.
The shirt was already ripped to shreds, so she tossed it aside, now wearing just her sports bra, shorts, and tennis shoes. Behind the glass was a panel of chipboard. Pushing against the wood, it had a little give to it. She stepped back and began kicking at it.
“What are you doing?” Stay asked.
“This place looks like it was once a factory. So there will be vents or drainage systems or something. Maybe that can be our way out.”
After the fifth kick, the panel broke loose. She pulled it away and looked inside. As she expected, the inside of the wall was hollow. There were long rows of panels winding through the room. The snakes had come from underneath one of the mirrors; there had to be some kind of tank or something for them. There were probably others like that behind the mirrors as well in various spots.
Stepping into the opening, she squeezed through. She leaned out and gestured to Stacy who followed her. The makeshift tunnel wasn’t very wide, but wide enough for them to squeeze through. April replaced the panel from where they entered and they began making their way through the darkened tunnel.
“You think this will get us out of here?” Stacy asked.
“At least it will keep us hidden from those assholes for a while.”
They walked a ways until April stepped over a metal grate. She stopped and knelt down, lacing her fingers through the grate, she lifted it and pushed it aside, revealing a large hole.
“Where does it go you think?” Stacy asked.
“Someplace better than here,” April said as she climbed in.
Chapter 11
Crazy Koko
Crazy Koko watched his new offspring prancing around the maze. This was the first time Crazy Koko had procreated. He’d heard clowns could do this, but had no idea how cool it would look. The little guy ripped his way right out of that girl’s stomach. It made a hell of a mess, but sure did look cool.
Unlike Creampuff, Crazy Koko hadn’t been born a clown. He was actually the newest of the current group of clowns. He’d just come to the Funhouse about ten years ago. He had been passing through himself, not unlike this group of kids, except he had been with his wife and their newborn baby. Like most travelers, they had to stop in town for gas. As many people as that had happened to, he wondered if they had some way of draining people’s gas tanks once they got here. That might be even harder to believe than the Funhouse itself.
As was custom, he and his family were directed, or more like dragged to the Funhouse. One big rancher had taken their baby boy way. What was his name again? Jeffery? Jesse? Something like that. Seemed so long ago now. They were told to just go through the Funhouse and they’d get their baby back unharmed. Well it wasn’t quiet that easy. At least, not easy to make it through the Funhouse. His poor wife, Janine. She slipped and fell in the bouncy room.
He’d made it through with no problem, but hurried through. When he saw Janine lying on the mat, it was too late to go after her. The ceiling had come down and squashed her. Such an awful sight, though the sound was worse. She screamed and screamed as he listened to her bones crackling under the weight of the ceiling. After that he couldn’t go any further. He’d collapsed right then and there. He
did remember Janine had been his childhood sweetheart. They married right out of high school, or was it college? No matter.
Apparently Uncle Monkey took pity on him. Just lying there, a crying and blubbering mess. So he followed Uncle Monkey into a back room. He thought they were going to let him go and give him back his little baby boy. Instead they strapped him to a table and ran him through some weird machine. When he came out he was no longer Alan, Alfred? Whatever. He was Crazy Koko.
He couldn’t lie; it was strange at first. Horrible in fact. When he saw himself in the mirror, he had a complete meltdown. More crying and blubbering, he was so pathetic back then. Somewhere in the midst of that fit, something changed. The crying turned to laughter. Once he started laughing, he couldn’t stop. It was weird. Even Uncle Monkey was a little freaked out.
Once he settled down, he embraced his clown hood. Was that even a word? Well it is now. His first group of travelers was a guy and his girlfriend who came through. At first he had been shy on what to do with them. He just sort of jumped out and scared them a few times. But Uncle Monkey told him not to hold back, think of his sweet Janine, no one held back with her. Knowing Uncle Monkey had killed her should have angered him, but it didn’t. It made him laugh.
So instead of jumping out to scare them the next time, he had found a hammer in a box of tricks that squeaked. It was a real hammer, but just happened to squeak. When they came around a corner, he cracked the boyfriend over the head. The guy fell to the ground as he writhed around, as Crazy Koko hit him again in the face. The squeak was so delightful. It was loud and just plain silly. He bashed the guy again and again, jumping up and down, laughing with each blow.
By now his face was completely bashed open. There was a huge hole where his face should have been. Teeth shot out onto the ground as the man’s tongue just hung off to the side. He made a funny wheezing sound too. Crazy Koko just watched as the guy struggled to breath. It was then he noticed the girlfriend was just standing there watching. That was even better, because now it was her turn. He took off after her, but it only took a few hits with the wonderful hammer before she stopped moving completely.
Crazy Koko snapped out of his memories as the little clown looked at himself in one of the mirrors, and tapping on the glass.
“So what should we call you little guy?” Crazy Koko said.
“Clown!”
“Yes, you’re a clown all right.”
“How about, Tiny Bubbles! I like it! You’re so bubbly!”
“Bubbles!” the little clown exclaimed. “Bubbles!”
“That’s right little one, you’re my Tiny Bubbles,” Crazy Koko said.
They walked back to where Tiny Bubbles had said he’d seen the other girls. When they got there, he found the broken mirror and could tell the panel had been moved.
“Well, looks like we have a mouse in the house, don’t we? Hahahaha!”
“Mousey! Mousey! Mousey!” Tiny said jumping up and down.
“That’s right! Let’s go this way. There’s only one way to catch a mouse!”
The girls had most likely gone down into the storage area. He’d never seen anyone do that before. These kids were rather resourceful. He liked it. Made things more interesting. They’d just go back out of the maze and head them off. They will really be like rats in a trap. And he’s the big scary cat!
Chapter 12
Creampuff dragged Todd by the leg through the maze. He reached a set of mirrors and pushed on one until it slid open revealing a hidden room. The room was large and dark, with a set of lights standing up in the middle with a large table. Uncle Monkey was standing next to the table. Todd tried to struggle as he was dragged, but Creampuff had already throttled the fight out of him.
“Well done Creampuff!” Uncle Monkey said. “Bring him right over here! Onto the table!”
Creampuff did as he was told and tossed Todd onto the table as if he were some rag doll. Once on the table, Creampuff began strapping Todd’s hands down. He took a weak swing at the clown, who caught his hand mid swing and tossed it aside. He then restrained the other hand, and then Todd’s feet.
“Who are you people?” Todd screamed. “You can’t do this! This is illegal! I have a powerful family you know! They’ll be looking for me!”
“You hear that Creampuff? They’ll be looking for him! Hahaha!” Uncle Monkey cackled as Creampuff just nodded. He laughed some more as he walked away from the table. Todd heard something banging around when Uncle Monkey returned pushing a large cart on wheels. He fumbled with something, opening a large door on the front of the cart and placed it at the end of the table.
“Now I need to tell you something cowboy,” Uncle Monkey said. “I’m not gonna lie. This shit is gonna hurt like a motherfucker. I will tell you though that the more you wiggle around, the worse it will be. So I suggest no matter how bad it hurts, or what you feel, just hold still. It’ll be over in no time!”
“What is it? What are you gonna do to me?”
“Oh, just a slight upgrade is all.”
Uncle Monkey wheeled the cart over to the table. The table seemed to be part of the cart as the cart slid right into place. Before he knew it, Todd was fully inside whatever the cart was. Inside there were several gears and electronics with several arms. On the end of each arm was a needle.
“Ok!” Uncle Monkey yelled from outside the contraption. “Keep your hands and arms inside the ride at all times! Hahahaha!”
As the clown laughed, the contraption whirred to life. Lights came on above him as the arms began to move. The needles moved toward Todd’s face. He closed his eyes and screamed as they began pecking his skin like a giant sewing machine. Each poke felt like a ball of fire piercing his skin, and they were everywhere. His arms, chest, legs, even his groin were being stabbed with the fiery hot needles. Uncle Monkey had been right. At first he twitched and jerked, which made it hurt even worse.
He closed his eyes and bit his lower lip, trying to think of something, anything to get his mind off the pain. Though after a few minutes, shock set in as his body felt numb. He could still feel the needles, but it was like they were far away. Before long, he felt nothing at all.
When he woke up, Creampuff and Uncle Monkey were standing over him. Creampuff was smacking him in the face. The huge torture chamber was gone, he was just looking up at the lights.
“Oh good! You’re awake!” Uncle Monkey said. “How you feel?”
“Huh?” Todd asked.
“How do you feel? You hurt anywhere? You feel good, bad, ugly? Hahahaha!”
Todd looked around, his restraints had been removed. Without hesitating, he jumped to his feet and bolted for the door from which they entered the room. Neither clown tried to stop him, which he found weird, but kept going.
“Hey! Where you goin’?” Uncle Monkey called out. Todd burst through the door and back into the maze of mirrors. He ran past the mirrors until he caught his reflection and froze.
“Oh no,” he whispered as he looked himself over.
From head to toe, his skin was bright white. All he had on were his boxer shorts. His hair had been removed and replaced with half a green, yellow, and red afro. His nose had been colored red, and his lips were now in the shape of a huge, green grin. The grin wasn’t painted on though. His mouth had somehow been stretched out into the permanent smile.
“No!” he screamed. “What have you done to me?”
“Relax cowboy!” Uncle Monkey said from behind him. “You’re one of us now! You don’t have to go through the Funhouse anymore. You’re now a part of it!”
“What? Why? Look at me!”
“Yeah! You’re a handsome fella. Though we need to work on your name. The name Todd sucks. Sounds like a spoiled rich kid. How about Captain Cowpoke! I like it!”
“What?” Todd couldn’t even make sense of it. Looking in the mirror, there was no way that was him. Couldn’t be. It just wasn’t possible.
“Come on Captain! Let’s go back in here. We’ll get you something
to wear and fill you in on some things. Then you can have fun with the rest of us!”
“But I don’t wanna be a clown,” Todd whined.
“Too late for that boss! You are a clown! May as well make the most of it!”
As they headed back into the room, Todd took one more glance into the mirror. He was already forgetting what he had previously looked like.
Chapter 13
Creampuff
Creampuff stood by and watched Uncle Monkey talking to Todd, or Captain Cowpoke as he was now called. He was glad he didn’t have Uncle Monkey’s job. Even though he had been at the Funhouse far longer than Uncle Monkey, he had no problem letting the clown deal with all new clowns and guests. He was just muscle, always had been.
The idea of a clown being muscle might seem odd, but isn’t really that far-fetched. Unlike Uncle Monkey, Creampuff had been born at the Funhouse. His first memory was as a young clown in the late 1800’s. Back then the Funhouse was little more than a large tent, like a big top. Except it wasn’t for a circus.
His father was Mr. Biscuits. For some reason, clowns matured faster than regular people. Though apparently even at birth he was bigger than average. They named him Creampuff because he was large and chubby with the bright white skin. Unlike most clowns, he didn’t speak. They used to joke that he was more of a mime than a clown. He could speak if he wanted to, he just never had anything to say.
Back then the town wasn’t much of a town. The Funhouse was fairly new then. Mr. Biscuits said his own father had set it up. Apparently there were a few of them around the world. All were in small, off the grid type locations. Once they were built and the clowns took residence, each Funhouse seemed to take on a life of its own, but not really.
Though he’d never set foot outside the Funhouse other than moving to a new one. The current one was the fifth one he’d seen in his time. He wasn’t sure what kind of power the Funhouse possessed, but he knew none of the clowns ever age past maturity inside the Funhouse. He also knew that any clowns who left were later forced to go through the Funhouse itself. He’d seen that happen a few times, and never ended well for the clown.
