I wasn’t sure if she was laughing or crying, probably both, but she kept her head down and away from me when she pulled away and walked over to the table to get her purse.
“We’ll call the lawyer in the morning.”
Yeah, she was totally laughing at me. It would serve her right if he did the same thing to her, but no one deserved that memory. It changed you for life!
Chapter 2
Tom
T he whole way back we discussed what to do about Brett and Sabine’s situation. I just couldn’t believe that it had come to this – what had we missed? Gramps had already booked Brett in to have the Scrotox done thanks to an online booking and prepayment system at the clinic.
I was adamant that I wasn’t taking him, but after a unanimous vote, it was decided that the lucky person who did would be picked by drawing straws.
What Gramps didn’t know was that he was the one who was taking him, regardless. There was no way that any of us would take Brett to something like that.
We were still arguing over it when we rounded the corner of my house to where the large clearing where the party was being held was, so I jumped when Tate and Gramps started laughing and pointing in front of us.
Hanging from the trees were three piñatas in the shapes of dicks. Beside them was something else that I couldn’t quite make out from where we were. It looked like a big ball or a weird face. As we got closer, I figured it out though and burst out laughing.
They’d somehow gotten a piñata in the shape of a pair of balls. With every step closer to the thing, more details stood out. The sounds of the others laughing as they realized what it was too was greeted with proud grins from the ladies who were holding glasses of something green in their hands.
“Haha, very funny,” Tate snapped as we reached them.
“They look very realistic, don’t they?” Maya asked proudly as she tapped one nut with the tip of a finger.
“Not like mine,” Gramps replied proudly, making the rest of us reach for a bottle of beer from the bucket that was to the side of us to try and wash it out of our minds – or maybe drown it out.
Taking a swig of his beer, Tate stood eyeballing the piñatas and then walked closer to the hanging nut sacks.
“What’s this?” he asked, running his finger along a word written up the middle of it that I hadn’t noticed. Looking closer, I made out what it said. “Front?” he questioned as he took a step back.
Nodding, Sonya walked up and held one of the gonads in her hand. “Isn’t it awesome?” she beamed at Tate who was now looking at her suspiciously. He had a good reason, there was definitely something else coming. “In fact,” she continued as she slowly turned it around so that the other side was facing us. “We had it made with you in mind.”
“You evil bi…” he didn’t get any further before I had him in a headlock to stop him from finishing the word. After I choked him for a couple of seconds, I decided to let him breathe. Then I passed him over to Ren who gave him the longest noogie I’d ever seen in my life, and being the youngest of the brothers I’d had a few of those over the years. It was almost vicious and ended up with him looking like he’d licked a socket. “Stop,” he gasped, punching Ren in the gut, but he was a man on a mission and wouldn’t be deterred.
Eventually, it ended, and we looked up to see the women grinning at us and then they took in the mess that was Tate’s hair and their eyes widened.
“Well, that’s going to be painful to fix,” Ebru muttered, walking over to a basket and bringing it back over.
Taking a quick look at Tate, I had to agree that it would. It looked like a big bird’s nest on his head. In fact, I was thinking the poor bastard would have to shave it all off because it just didn’t look fixable.
Thankfully, his attention was on the piñata still – his very, very pissed off attention. Confused, I looked back over at the object in question. He couldn’t possibly be that pissed off that they’d got a pair of…then I saw the word written there and burst out laughing so hard that I lost my balance and hit Ren.
“What the fuck?” he snapped, giving me a shove into Cole who just sighed and stood there supporting me.
“They wrote fucking Taint on the other side of the nut sack,” Tate yelled, swinging it back around so that we could see the word ‘front’ on one side, then swinging it back so we saw the word ‘taint’. I couldn’t help it when I lost control of my legs and fell to my knees in the grass because I could hardly breathe I was laughing that hard.
“You don’t like it…” Sonya asked as she stared at him, “Taint?”
“Why you…” at that moment, Tony came running toward us squealing.
“Oh, my gawd,” he crowed as he drew closer. “Those look outstanding. Oh shit, you wrote Taint on the other side,” he snorted and slapped Tate on the back. “Have you showed them what we got to hit the peeñatas with?”
Peeñata? Ah, fuck!
I lost control for the second time in a short period and tripped as I burst out laughing. Fortunately, it was my fiancée who caught me this time.
Everything screeched to a halt as the women bent down into the basket and pulled out the biggest fake cocks I’d ever seen in my life. Not that I’d seen many, but every town has an adult store and obviously it had been guaran-damn-teed that everyone would visit it at least once just to see what was in there.
“What the fuck are those?” Brett snapped walking up holding Sabine’s hand. She looked like there was absolutely nothing wrong in the world which made me question if maybe a BJ had fixed it? It was gonna super suck in that case when he went for that appointment to rejuvenate his man sacks.
“This, boys, is the Moby Dick,” Tony informed us as he swung the massive cock around. “The three-foot version,” he added with a wink, taking a swing like he was playing baseball. “Retails at a sweet five-hundred-and-forty-seven dollars, and worth every penny.” He punctuated this by giving it a wiggle.
“Who the fuck would buy that?” Tate gaped at the king shlong in Tony’s hands.
“We would,” all the girls answered at once looking smugly in his direction.
Tate’s eyes narrowed on Sonya’s face as she grinned at him and mouthed back ‘taint’. These two were gonna end up killing each other one of these days.
Sighing, I looked over at my brothers who watched in horror as dildos in a variety of colors and sizes were brought out and laid in a line on the grass. It was like some sort of military operation – penis style.
Shuddering at the thought of troops going into war, armed with big fake dicks, I walked over to where the alcohol was all set up and picked up one of the glasses filled with green liquid. Taking a sniff, I didn’t get grossed out when the scent of whatever was in there reached my nose, so I took a mouthful of it – instantly regretting it.
“What the fuck is this?” I wheezed, gasping for breath. Oh, sweet Jesus, it felt like someone had poured fire down my throat. I couldn’t even feel my tongue!
“Absinthe,” Sonya replied as she rubbed my back and passed me a napkin to wipe the tears that were now falling.
“Um, aren’t you meant to take that in a shot glass instead of a full-sized glass?” Cole asked as he took the tiniest sip and then shuddered.
“Pussy,” I croaked. Because I still couldn’t feel my tongue though, it came out ‘poufy’.
“We decided to do things differently tonight,” Ebru danced up excitedly, clapping her hands and reaching for a glass of the juice of Satan’s nut sack. “It’s a big night and we want to have some fun and push the boundaries.”
“I am not pushing the boundaries with one of those…those…those…” Cole desperately tried to think of the word he needed as he gestured over his shoulder.
“Gigantic cuckoo cocks?” Ebru supplied helpfully.
Shaking his head, still searching for a word, he spluttered a few more times.
“King dong?” she tried again, getting the same result.
“Oh, I love this game,” Tony squ
ealed joining in. “Puff the one-eyed-dirty-dickin-dragon? Uhh, Cocktapus? Jurassic Pork? Woody Womb Pecker? Weapon of Mass Destruction? Oh, I know – Just-in Beaver,” he cried out the last one, dancing around.
“Freaks of plastic nature,” Cole finally said gaping at a still dancing Tony. “How much of that shit did you give him?” he gestured to the glass of Absinthe in her hand.
“He hasn’t had any,” she murmured as she watched Tony swing the vagina Kraken around. Who makes a three-foot dildo? It still just didn’t make any sense.
“I think I left my shoe at yours,” Tate muttered to Layla. “I’ll go check.”
It was a great idea, but if we had to go through this torture, he had to go through it too. So, we all jumped on him at once and yelled for the bottle of Absinthe.
Chapter 3
Tom
I once had someone tell me that Absinthe wasn’t actually that bad – they were big fat hairy liars. Firstly, it felt like acid on the way down. Well, maybe not normal acid, but a diluted version of the stuff.
Secondly, it also didn’t matter if you lit it on fire or added sugar or anything else to it, it still tasted like rubbing alcohol to me.
Thirdly, you do shit that you would never normally do while you’re drinking it, which is how I found myself wielding a three-foot monstrosity of a dildo and beating the shit out of the peeñata in front of me.
“You shlong slayer you,” a very drunken Layla giggled behind me before burping loudly. Some might say gross, but I’d taught her everything she knew, so I was proud of the dinosaur bellow she’d just let out.
“Slayed big willie style,” Tony raised his fist for someone to pop, but everyone else was too fixated on busting their own piñata’s open.
Looking over at Tate who was the only one allowed to attack the one in the shape of balls, I laughed as he raised a glow in the dark ‘womb wrecker’ and smacked again at the piñata. We realized how the girls had made one in that shape after the first few hits took a patch of the outside layer off, revealing what looked like one of those mirrored disco balls underneath.
“We had to get inventive,” Sonya had shrugged. “And Twilight reminds me of him, anyway.”
I wish I’d gotten pictures of him wearing the sparkly makeup as camouflage that Tony put on him when they both went to find Sonya after someone kidnapped her. Maybe if we got him drunk enough, we could do it again? It would have been even better if we’d done it next to the taint piñata – fucking opportunities missed.
At that moment, Tate let out a war cry, lifted his hands above his head and brought the dildo down on the ball sacks hanging in front of him. Bits of sparkly stuff went flying everywhere as one of the testicles burst open and a bunch of shit fell to the ground around us.
One piece hit my arm before landing on the floor in front of me. Looking down at it, I had to blink at what I was seeing. It looked like a mini hammock or something.
Bending down, I picked it up and held it close to my face. It was knitted in rainbow colors and looked like Tinkerbell would feel at home in it. Nope, still couldn’t figure it out.
“What is this?” I held it up to the girls who were laughing their asses off.
Tate had picked up a couple pieces of his own and was squinting at my hand as he got closer to us.
“Is that a chin warmer?” he asked as he got close enough to see it properly.
“It’s a scrote-scarf!” Sonya explained like we should know that.
“A what?” Tate asked snatching it and trying to put his chin in it with one hand seeing as how he had his other one full of shit that also made no sense.
“A scarf for your scrotum,” Tony took the hammock out of Tate’s hand and put it on his crotch. “You pop the twins into the little bit here,” he pointed at the hammock part of it. “Then you tighten it with this string here,” he pulled on the dangly string. “And wa la – toasty testes.”
The sound of crickets lasted longer than we realized as we soaked up what had just been explained to us.
“It works,” Ebru reassured us. “Tony even tried one to make sure.”
I thought Tate was going to pass out seeing as how he’d had it on his face, but he just stood there staring at it in horror.
Plucking a long, knitted thing out of his hand, Sonya explained the rest to us. “This is a willy warmer.” Looking closer, I tried not to laugh at the unicorn design. “We got this with Cole in mind.” She pulled one end back while the other was hooked over a finger and pinged it like a slingshot in his direction.
“Did Tony try that one too?” Cole looked at the object which had landed a foot away from him.
“Nope,” Ebru snorted. “It was too small for him.”
That broke the horrified silence coming from Tate. “Is this a torture device?” He held up a plastic set of balls that had a metal chain coming from the top.
I had to agree with him, it looked like one. Who the fuck would use that?
“No, silly,” Maya took it from him. “This is a tea strainer.”
“Is this something perverted?” he asked, looking at it warily. “Like epic tea bagging or something?”
“Only if you use it for that purpose,” she shrugged, popping the latch at the top of it. “You put loose tea in here, pop it shut,” all the guys winced as she snapped it shut. Once you had the idea that someone could possibly put their balls in it, the mental image of someone actually having them in there and it snapping shut was too much. “Then put it in boiling water, dunk, dunk, dunk,” she played it out for us as she explained, “and ta daaaaa – ball bag tea.”
They all looked way too happy with themselves while the men looked like they were about to faint. Who knew you could get so much shit based on nuts and dicks?
“Why does this one smell nice?” Tate held up the next set of testicles. This one looked like the previous one, except it was smoother, had no holes and had a ribbon threaded through the top.
“Why did you sniff it?” Ren asked as he took a step back from Tate. Good idea – who sniffs a set of balls that came flying out of a gonad shaped piñata? Now there’s a question I never thought I’d ask myself.
“I smelt cherries when I picked it up,” he shrugged.
Tate had a thing for cherry Chapstick. When he was a teenager, he’d bought all of his girlfriends a stick of the stuff. It had gotten to the point that the store near their home had brought in extra stock of it, whilst also querying if he was in fact gay.
We’d heard the rumors while we were there and had gone to pick something up for my aunt. We’re a supportive family and only wanted the best for him, and my aunt had hated that he might be hiding it from us all so we held a coming out party for him. Tate had been too embarrassed to say otherwise, which is how he spent two weeks of his teens as the gay member of the family until he couldn’t take it anymore. His parents had even put up a rainbow flag in support and had planned to join an LGBTQ march in Houston that summer. That flag got updated every year, and they still took part in the marches with my parents right by their sides.
All of us knew that story, it was the way we introduced him to friends and the women. “This is Tate, he used to be gay. After two weeks, he realized he’d never find a man though, so he had to return to his former life. He’s now a vagina liar.” Yes – a liar to the oath of the vagina. We’d also written that oath up on paper that looked old and had it framed.
Now, he was the proud new owner of the ball sack scent bag that was hanging from his finger.
After we went through all the other items, none of the guys were that enthusiastic about being the one to break open any of the other piñatas that were still hanging, so we sat back and watched the women attack them with dildos.
Unfortunately, we also drank Absinthe the whole time because once you lost your taste buds and your digestive tract melted, it wasn’t so bad.
This was a huge mistake, a massive error in judgment on all of our behalves. We were Townsends for crying out loud.
Ch
apter 4
Tom
I t was after we had cleared up the mess from the piñatas and piled all the goodies in a heap on the ground that Sonya bent over in front of me to pick up a wayward piece of a disco ball. We’d enhanced the pronunciation of the word ‘ball’ on purpose. When we were sober, it wouldn’t seem so funny, but until then it was the most hilarious thing we’d ever heard.
The last ball of the taint piñata had been broken when Grams jumped on it and started singing Wrecking Ball as she swung back and forth on it like a champion. Yet another reason never to drink alcohol – it made you into a braindead twat.
It might seem to people like we weren’t taking the threat to our safety seriously, but we were. The houses surrounded the clearing that we were in and we had our security stationed throughout the property. I was pretty sure that they drew straws to see who the unlucky fuckers were who were guarding us up close and personal, especially when it came to events like this.
During Grams ball riding, all the men had looked like they’d swallowed something unpleasant before looking away into the distance. It was Coleman who couldn’t stop watching with a look on his face like he’d been zapped up the ass with a cattle prod. But did he look away? Not even once. He just stood there in horrified silence looking like he was gonna toss his guts any second. Gramps, on the other hand, was filming it and saying that he was going to use it later - the filthy bastard.
Sonya was wearing a short dress that rode up alarmingly high every time she bent over. Because I was sitting down when she did it this time, I got a great flash of what was mine. Just mine - only mine. Mine!
Without even realizing it, I’d picked her up, slung her over my shoulder and was stalking toward the trees and bushes furthest away from where we all sitting.
“I can see your sugar cookie,” Tate cackled, reminding me of what had caused me to snap this time, so I put my hand over the area in question and continued walking.
Providence Series Books 5-7 Page 34
