by Debra Doxer
When I lived here last spring, I eventually got used to seeing his eyes, our mother’s eyes, looking back at me. But now, they shock me all over again, and I have to glance away. Instead, I scan his tall, rangy form clad in jeans and a T-shirt. “Hi,” I say to a spot in the middle of his chest.
He clears his throat, taking a moment to find his voice. “Hi.” Then his gaze shifts over my head to Lucas’s truck. I turn and give Lucas a small wave, letting him know I’m okay. He stares at Kyle for a beat before pulling away from the curb.
“Who is it, Daddy?” Penelope pokes her head out next to Kyle’s legs. “Raielle!” she screeches. “It’s Raielle!” Then she runs back inside, yelling to her mother.
Stepping out of the doorway, Kyle’s shock is fading, and deep lines form on either side of his mouth. “You left without a word,” he finally says.
“I know. I’m sorry.” It isn’t easy maintaining eye contact with him, but I do.
There’s some commotion from within the house before Penelope and Chloe appear at the door. I can’t help but smile down at Penelope. “You’re so big,” I tell her. Not only that, but her hair is longer and her face seems slimmer with less baby fat.
She beams proudly at me. “I had to go get all new clothes for school. Mommy says I’m growing like a weed.” She giggles.
From behind Penelope, Chloe watches me. “How are you?” she asks.
I look at Kyle when I answer. “I’m good.”
Penelope tugs on my jeans. “Can I give you a hug?”
I’ve barely nodded when she launches herself at me. Her arms come around my legs and she rests her head against my thigh. With tears blurring my vision, I bend down and let her arms move to my neck as I hug her close. “I missed you,” I whisper.
“I missed you, too,” she whispers back.
My eyes flick up to Kyle, and compared to Penelope, he feels so remote. The tenuous relationship we built seems like something I imagined. Kyle’s a lot like me, slow to trust, and hard to get close to. Before I left, he made me feel like I was part of his family. But now, I’m not sure he wants that anymore. I straighten and smile hesitantly at him. “Is this okay? That I’m here, I mean.”
He gives me a sad smile. “Of course it’s okay.”
I stare at him, and his words seem sincere. Right then, I make a decision. Before I go, I’m going to tell him the truth. I need him to understand why I left. Unlike Lucas, I know everything he did was to save his daughter, and I can’t find it inside me to be angry at him for that. All he did was try to help everyone. It’s not his fault that he couldn’t help me.
“Maybe you could come inside?” Kyle asks, and I realize that he seems nervous, like I may turn him down. “Just for a little while?” he adds.
Smiling now, I nod as I step over the threshold.
I never thought I’d find myself back here again. Kyle once said that I should think of this as my home. I don’t, though, and I never really did. But I’d still like to think of him as my brother.
I CHECK my phone again to see if I missed her call, even though the ringer volume is pinned to the top, and it’s also on vibrate in my hand. To say I’m on edge would be a massive understatement.
“If you would stop fucking around and put away your phone, we’d be done by now,” Liam gripes as he carries another box into Mom’s new house.
“I could have hired movers,” she calls to us from inside.
“No, it’s fine. We don’t mind!” I holler back, scowling at Liam.
“You mean you don’t mind,” he says darkly.
I give him a light shove. “You need to eat your Wheaties. I’ve already unloaded half the truck myself.”
Following behind Liam, I hoist another box onto my shoulder, shoving the phone into my back pocket. “So how did she find this place?” I ask, handing him the box in my other hand and snickering at him when he grunts and nearly buckles under its weight.
He glances at me as he balances it. “Someone she met at the hospital told her about it.”
“So, is this official? Have they talked to lawyers?” I ask, feeling mostly ambivalence about their breakup and wondering if that makes me a bad son.
“How would I know? They don’t tell me anything. They probably don’t want to traumatize me now that I’m going to be a child of divorce.” He rolls his eyes.
He’s being a wiseass to cover. I know he’s upset. “It’s the best thing for her if it’s going to make her happy,” I point out.
Liam shoots me a look. “You’re an idiot. Do you really think it’s a good idea for her to be living alone?”
I put down the box as I take in his rigid posture. “She says the memories in the house are too hard for her. So, yes, if this will help, I think it’s a good idea. What’s with the hostility? Are you pissed about something else?”
He scoffs. “I’m pissed about everything and everyone’s reaction, including yours. I don’t care what her doctors say, she isn’t better. I don’t think we should leave her here.”
I walk over to stand in front of him, and it still shocks me that my kid brother is nearly as tall as I am. “She promised to keep up with her therapy. If she doesn’t, I’ll get a call. There’s a visiting nurse that supposed to check on her every day. She also promised to take her meds, and short of turning into her full-time babysitters, we’re doing all we can.”
Liam gnaws on the inside of his cheek, and I hate how much responsibility for her he’s taken onto himself in the past few months.
“Stop worrying yourself to death,” I say. “Just worry a normal amount. That’s what I’m trying to do.”
He snorts out a laugh and shakes his head, like I’m asking him to do the impossible. But I don’t know what else to say to him to make him feel better. There is nothing to say. It’s just going to take time.
Liam’s gaze shifts beyond me. “That looks like Myles.”
When we spoke earlier, Myles said he might stop by. I turn to see him pulling into the driveway. He and Zack step out of a brand new silver Prius. “Nice wheels,” I comment as they walk up the lawn.
“They’re his.” Myles points to Zack, who’s one step behind him. “He bought it new. He’s been working since he was like sixteen and saving all his money. Can you believe that shit? Who does that?”
Zack’s forehead furrows between his thick eyebrows. “Responsible people?”
Myles ignores him, waving at Liam before clapping me on the back. “So Raielle’s dad, who she just met, died of a heart attack?” he asks with disbelief. This is the story we’re telling everyone, and technically, it’s not a lie.
“Yeah. But look, if you see her while you’re here, don’t bring him up too much. It’s still kind of raw.” The lie rolls off my tongue mainly because it’s so much more believable than the truth.
“No problem,” he says. “That girl has had some bad shit happen to her. The poor thing is an orphan now.”
I hate hearing her described that way, like she’s to be pitied, because I know how much she would hate it herself. “Definitely don’t say that to her.”
“The poor thing is here now.” Liam mimics Myles as he lifts his chin toward the road.
I shoot him an annoyed look. “Cut the poor thing shit.”
“What? She can’t hear us?” Liam argues.
“But I can hear you.”
“Whatever.” He rolls his eyes again at me. “What crawled up your butt today?”
“He gets this way when he’s worried about her,” Myles explains to Liam, and he’s right. I was supposed to be picking her up.
She’s on the passenger side of Kyle’s car, and a sliver of fear cuts at me. I’m down the driveway, already at her door as she pushes it open. “Are you okay? I thought you were going to call me when you were ready to leave.”
She grins. “I’m fine. Kyle insisted on driving me here so he could see you.”
Kyle is walking around the car, coming toward me. “I wanted to thank you for taking care of Raielle, fo
r changing your school plans and going out there to be with her. If I’d known what was going on, I’d have been there, too.”
Confused, I look at Raielle.
“I told him the truth,” she says.
I lean in closer to her. “The truth? All of it?”
She hesitates and then nods.
That wasn’t the plan, but I guess I’m not really surprised. Raielle isn’t much of a liar.
Kyle’s lips press together. “Raielle tells me she’s staying with you while she’s here.”
I nod my answer, my expression daring him to disapprove. After spending every night together for weeks, she belongs in my bed. Besides, she’s not staying at his house again as long as Alec is a part of his family. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
“And your mother’s moving here?” he asks, looking around.
I nod again.
“How is she?” Kyle’s tone is casual, but his shoulders are tense.
“She’s good. We’ll be staying at my father’s house, though,” I tell him, knowing that’s the information he’s fishing for.
Kyle appears relieved. Then he turns to Raielle and places his hands on her shoulders. “I’d like to see you again before you go.”
She smiles up at him. “That would be nice.” She has a serious soft spot for this guy. I wonder if she told him that he’s not her only brother anymore.
As he looks at her, he seems to get emotional. “I’ll call you then. You’ll answer?”
She tells him she will, appearing to feel guilty for not having answered his previous calls.
He pulls her in for a quick hug before getting back into his car.
Watching as he drives away, she says, “I really need to transfer my phone into my name. I can’t believe he’s still paying for it.”
“We can do it tomorrow.” I put my arm around her shoulder and turn her toward the street so I can talk to her before she notices Myles is here. “Why did you tell him?”
She lets out a breath. “It was his expression when he first saw me. He looked so hurt. Now that I won’t be staying there like he wants, he deserves to know why.”
I feel a surge of annoyance. “He doesn’t get to be hurt. You did nothing wrong.”
“But he didn’t know that. He didn’t know any of it.”
The truth is, I’m glad she told him, and I hope hearing what she went through made him feel like shit. “So, how did he react?” I ask.
She hugs her arms around herself. “I think he’s shocked and confused. When I explained about my father and what he tried to do to me, Kyle looked like I’d said aliens came and took me. Then we talked about Alec. The police already told him everything I did, but he doesn’t believe his own father is responsible for our mother’s murder. Or he doesn’t want to believe it.”
I move in front of her to better see her expression. “Alec will probably never pay for what he did.”
She glances down at her feet. “I know.”
“Can you be okay with that?”
Exhaling, she says, “It doesn’t matter since I don’t have a choice. Besides, I can’t think about revenge or justice anymore. I want to put it behind me. Does that make me a bad daughter?”
I look at her, wondering how she could think that. Placing my finger beneath her chin, I make her look at me. “If your mother could see you now, she’d be very proud of you.”
She smiles sadly. “You think so?”
I nod, watching her expression change as she lets this possibility sink in.
“You two done yet? I’ve been waiting patiently over here for my turn.”
Her eyes widen as she peers over my shoulder. “Myles!” She brushes past me, meeting him halfway across the front lawn.
He pulls her into a hug. “California girl, you’re slumming it again.”
Raielle laughs, tossing her head back when he picks her up, and my chest feels heavy because I’ve seen her this way so few times. She should always look this happy. Once he releases her, he introduces her to Zack, who surprises her with a hug. She’s saying hello to Liam as I come up beside her.
“Sorry about your dad,” Myles says, his eyes moving to me to make sure that simple statement wasn’t out-of-bounds.
She glances down at the grass. “Thanks.”
“I hear you’re a couple of college dropouts,” Zack jokes, trying to lighten the mood, and I cut him a grateful look.
Raielle shakes her head. “Not Lucas. He’s starting at Columbia in January. He registers for classes soon.”
“What about you?” Zack asks her.
“I’m going to work for a while and apply to school for next summer or fall.”
“Gwen is at NYU, isn’t she?” Myles asks.
She nods wistfully, missing her friend.
“Will you and Lucas get a place together?” Zack asks.
I say yes at the same time Raielle says umm…
Zack and Myles give me a curious look while I stare at the side of her head, since she’s avoiding making eye contact with me. “Ray?”
She shifts self-consciously from one foot to the other. “We’ll talk about it later. Okay?” she asks quietly.
I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. “What’s there to talk about?”
“Finances,” she replies. Then she sighs. “Later.”
I see the stern set of her jaw, and I’m not sure what she’s thinking, but this isn’t going to be a quick fix. Now I don’t want an audience either. I drop it for now, but my eyes stay on her. Finances? Why are finances a problem? She just completely blindsided me.
Myles clears his throat. “Hey, we should all go out tonight.”
Raielle accepts enthusiastically, and Myles and Zack take off after we make plans to meet them later . When Liam heads back into the house, I don’t waste any time asking her about it. “What’s going on?”
She tenses. “I wanted to go in and say a quick hello to your mom.”
My hands go to my hips as I try not to growl in frustration at her. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see her after what she did to you,” I reply, giving in to her subject change so we can get this over with and get back to the conversation she wants to avoid.
“She wasn’t herself. I don’t hold that against her, Lucas.”
Of course she doesn’t. She couldn’t hold a grudge if it were glued to her hand. “Sure,” I answer. “We’ll go see her after we talk.”
When she sighs again, I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing. “Are you kidding me, Ray? I thought everything was decided. I deserve an explanation.”
Her lips tighten into a straight line. “You decided. We started looking online together, but then you took over the apartment search and figured I’d just go along with things.”
“I didn’t take it over. I asked your opinion.”
“But you didn’t listen to it.” She takes a step toward me. “Who’s going to pay the rent?”
“What?” My eyes narrow in confusion.
“Those places you were finding, there’s no way I’m going to be able to afford them, no matter what kind of a job I get.”
Shit. Now I get it. “Well, I figured—”
“You figured you were paying. That you would be supporting me.”
Her face tenses with righteous indignation, and I feel the need to deny her accusation. “Just until you get school figured out and get your financial aid in place.”
She laughs. “No financial aid package is going to be enough to pay for those places.”
I try not to roll my eyes at her extreme reaction to a simple problem. “Then we’ll look at other places, cheaper places.”
“I was looking at cheaper places. You didn’t like any of them, and why should you? You can afford to live in a nice place. Why would you want to live in a dump with me when you don’t have to?”
Now I’m laughing. “Come on. You don’t have to live in a dump. And why can’t I support you? I’m able to, and I want to. I want you with me.”
She crosses her arms. “I can’t be dependent on you. I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.”
I just stare at her, wondering how I can feel both proud and irritated at the same time. “I understand what you’re saying. But living apart isn’t an option. We’ll look for less expensive places. It doesn’t matter to me where we live.”
“But you’re used to a certain way of living.” she says, her tone softening.
I cock my head at her. “You’ve been upset about this for a while. Haven’t you? Why didn’t you say something?” She doesn’t deny it, and a familiar frustration wells up inside me. “What happened to talking to me? I thought we were past this?”
Her lips press together. “I’m talking to you now. Aren’t I?”
I can’t hide my disappointment. “After I practically forced you to. We haven’t made any progress, have we?”
She looks hurt. “Don’t say that. It’s not true. I’ve been trying. You know I have. This time I just wanted to avoid an argument.”
“Why would you expect an argument? I’m not argumentative.” Once the words are out, I nearly crack a smile, realizing that I’m arguing about not being argumentative.
She narrows her eyes at my claim, obviously disagreeing.
“Look.” I cross my arms. “You shouldn’t avoid talking to me if you have something to say. If you don’t think I’m listening the first time, tell me again. Okay?”
At first she doesn’t answer, chewing on her lip instead. But finally she says, “Okay.” She still looks defiant, though, like she thinks I’m picking on her. “I’m going inside now to say hi to your mom,” she says, turning on her heel.
“Wait a minute.” I reach for her hand, halting her before she can walk away. “This isn’t settled yet. We’re going to look for an affordable place together. We’re going to live together. Agreed?”
She nods once at me. “Agreed.”
I release her, along with an exasperated breath as she walks away from me, heading toward the house. Then I make a decision that will surely come back to haunt me. I’m going to find a way around this apartment agreement we just made.
