by S. A. Ozment
I pulled up his telephone number, and my finger was poised over the Send button, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t call him while he was at the event. Okay, so I’d write him an e-mail, and hopefully he’d see it when he returns to his hotel room. Opening my laptop, I waited for it to start up. Meanwhile thoughts ran through my mind. I know I lied, but so had he… well not technically… I mean I never asked him if he was gay or straight. But then again, if I looked at it that way, he never asked me if I was a girl or guy. But I had let him assume it on many occasions and never straightened him out. So I guess I’m definitely more in the wrong than him.
With my heart feeling like it was in my throat, I pulled up my e-mail and started writing to Sebastian.
Dear Seb, please at least try to understand. We have too much of a bond to completely throw it—I stopped midsentence and erased it. I sounded like a puppy begging and that bond thing was assumed on my part… or was it? Looking down, I started typing again.
Sebastian, how can you be so angry at me? I overheard you saying you were gay… so isn’t that the same as what I did? I erased it immediately—too passive aggressive.
My last thought was to just flat-out tell him what I thought. Seb, what the hell? I wasn’t the only one who lied!!! Sighing, I erased that one as well.
Closing my laptop, I knew it was useless. Sebastian would either think about it and forgive me, or I had to accept that whatever I had with him was now gone. I got up and walked over to my suitcase. I knew I couldn’t stay in the city for fear of making things worse, and I knew he wouldn’t come to see me at the hotel. I began to pack my things, as I was leaving New York tonight.
Chapter 11
September 30th
SO HERE it was, two weeks after that horrible confrontation in New York City, and I hadn’t heard a word from Sebastian. Apparently he had just moved on with his life—one that didn’t include Ashley, the man. On the other hand, I could hardly make it through the workday before rushing home to get online and see that Sebastian wasn’t there… again. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. It was like I was in mourning over the death of friendship or perhaps even love itself. All I knew for sure was that I was absolutely miserable.
Tonight was slowly becoming the same as all the other nights. I was flipping around the Internet, hoping that something would catch my attention and cheer me up, when I saw that Imsebastiangray had just come online. My first instinct was to click on his name to see if he would respond, but I stopped myself. I had survived two weeks without talking to him. Surely, I could survive another few minutes. Besides, I wanted him to make the first move.
After about ten minutes and all my fingernails chewed down to the quick, I saw Sebastian’s chat window pop up, requesting to chat. My heart pounded intensely as I read, Hey, Ashley.
At first I thought maybe I shouldn’t answer him, show him that I still had some pride remaining, but my heart still ruled over my head.
Ashley: Hey, Sebastian.
Imsebastiangray: How have you been?
My heart sunk as quickly as it had perked up. That’s it? No I’m sorry…. Please come back… I miss you…? Well damn, maybe I should tell him I’ve been having the time of my life—much like Baby from Dirty Dancing. Trying to figure out how to respond, I decided I should act like everything is okay.
Ashley: I’ve been fine. How about you?
Imsebastiangray: To be honest, not so great.
Instantly, my self-preservation flew out the window, and all I could think about was Sebastian and why he had not been so great.
Ashley: What do you mean? Are you okay?
I knew I needed to stop acting so needy, but dammit, I missed him!
Imsebastiangray: I’m fine… well other than I’ve missed chatting with you.
And with those words, my heart was again pounding.
Ashley: Then where have you been for two weeks?
Imsebastiangray: At home, sulking, trying to decide how to handle this.
Ashley: Are you saying that you’re willing to forgive me for what I did?
Okay, that sounded pathetic. Stop sounding so needy, I reminded myself.
Imsebastiangray: I didn’t say that. Damn, Ash… that was a huge lie to tell.
Ashley: And I told you why I did it. I know it’s not an excuse, but at the time I didn’t have a clue that we would become closer.
Imsebastiangray: So that’s supposed to excuse you for not telling me in the last few months? Shit, Ashley! Even if I can get past the reason why you led me to believe you were a girl, I’m not sure I can get past the fact that the lie continued after we became friends.
Now I was becoming angry. Talk about a hypocrite!
Ashley: I don’t know what to say anymore, Sebastian. I explained why, I’ve said I’m sorry. Either you will forgive me or you won’t.
Imsebastiangray: It’s not that simple.
Ashley: It seems pretty simple to me. I was wrong—dead wrong. I’m sorry, Sebastian, I can’t go back and change what I did. You either have to choose to forgive me or not.
Imsebastiangray: How can I trust you after this? Are there any more lies that you’re conveniently keeping from me? Am I going to find out three months from now that you’re married with two kids?
Okay, all bets were off. I had thrown out the white flag, and he had ignored it… no, he had stomped on it.
Ashley: Well you’re a fine one to be talking about someone lying.
Imsebastiangray: What’s that supposed to mean?
Ashley: Exactly what it sounds like. You have been lying as well.
Imsebastiangray: When have I ever lied to you?
Ashley: Well, technically you didn’t, but dammit, Sebastian, I know your secret.
Imsebastiangray: My secret?
Ashley: That you’re gay!
There was no writing from the other end of the chat. I was still so ticked off that I wasn’t worried at the moment, but I knew I would be if he didn’t answer. I waited a few more seconds.
Imsebastiangray: What are you talking about? Those are only rumors!
Ashley: Is it a rumor when it’s coming straight out of your mouth?
Imsebastiangray: What?
Ashley: Sebastian, stop! I heard you in New York… in the restroom… you were telling someone on the phone that you didn’t want it out that you were gay. Apparently, somebody in an interview was trying to misquote you.
Imsebastiangray: Oh okay…. So now you’re an eavesdropping liar.
Okay, that hurt. I mean that really hurt. I struggled to try and explain.
Ashley: Sebastian, please! Let’s just stop. This is getting out of hand. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop. I had gone into the restroom to try and get myself together before approaching you and coming clean to you about being a guy. You came in and were on the phone. I didn’t want you to find out about my lie while standing in a dark restroom in New York, so I hid in one of the stalls so that you wouldn’t see me.
Imsebastiangray: You know what? You’re right; this is getting out of hand. I was going to tell you that I will be in Savannah next week working on a movie and perhaps we could talk. But I see now, there is no use in that. Just forget it.
And boom—Sebastian was gone. He clicked right out of our chat and disappeared. For a moment I was in shock until I realized he might not ever chat with me again. Putting my head in my hands, I just closed my eyes. Why couldn’t I just keep my big mouth shut? Now, I’ve really ruined everything!
Chapter 12
October 14th
AS I walked through the historic district of Savannah, I thought about how awful the past week had been. If I had thought the two weeks after New York were bad, then these past two weeks had been hell. After Sebastian left our chat—hung up on me—I had plastered photos of myself all over Facebook. So that if by chance he bothered to look, he would see me as a man, a nurse, and as a vampire this past Halloween. But I made my point. Let him look, let him see that I was real.
But now I had
stooped to a new low… even for me. I knew Sebastian was in town, and I think he had tried to call me. Two days ago I saw I had a missed call from the downtown Hyatt Regency, and since I don’t know anyone staying at a hotel, I was almost positive it was Sebastian. There hadn’t been a message, which made me even more miserable than I was before. On one hand he had tried to call, but on the other hand, he felt the need to call me from a hotel-room telephone rather than his cell phone. Obviously he didn’t want me to know who it was.
Walking along the cobblestone street, I spotted cameras and cameramen poised on top of something that looked like a ladder. Sebastian had said he was shooting a movie here in Savannah, and it didn’t take a rocket scientist, or in my case a computer nerd, to find out the name of the movie and get a location map for where they would be filming. So here I was, sneaking around like the paparazzi. Approaching slowly I saw a film crew standing around a long folding table and chatting. Over to my left, I saw a crowd of locals standing around watching the action. I couldn’t risk Sebastian seeing me, so I walked over behind the group and tried to squeeze my not-so-skinny ass behind a tree.
I didn’t have to wait very long before I saw Sebastian standing in the doorway of a trailer near the set. He was dressed in a period costume, which was appropriate since the title of his movie was The Colony. My heart skipped a beat as he stepped out into the bright Georgia sunshine He was breathtakingly beautiful, and I was overwhelmed with feelings of loss. He was fiddling with his massive billowing sleeve as a lady rushed over to him. I moved a little from the tree so that I could watch as the lady covered his face with more makeup. After she walked away, someone yelled his name, and he glanced over at the group in front of me. He seemed to hesitate, and for a second I thought he saw me. I quickly jumped back behind the tree and turned to face the other way. Please don’t see me… please don’t see me, I thought as I slightly freaked out. I listened as a few girls called out his name, and I closed my eyes and held my breath as I heard him speaking to them.
Damn, I miss him, I thought as my heart threatened to explode. I have to get out of here. This was a mistake. I stood behind that tree for what seemed like an eternity before I heard someone from across the road call out his name. I gave it a few minutes, and then I peeked out from around the tree. Sebastian was nowhere to be seen. I gathered up my courage, and all that was left of my shattered heart, and walked down the street, away from Sebastian.
I managed to make it back to my apartment before I really let myself feel the pain. The man of my dreams, my friend, was here in Savannah, and I wouldn’t be able to see him or talk to him. I spent the rest of the afternoon holed up in my apartment, lying on the sofa trying to get past this heartbreak. But nothing was working. I couldn’t get him out of my head. How had I allowed myself to mess up this badly?
By that night I was miserable and starving. I had just placed my online order for some Chinese soup, and now I was aimlessly looking around the Internet. I felt lost. Ever since New York, I hadn’t been able to go on Sebastian’s fan page. I tried once, but all it did was remind me of how things used to be, and frankly, it hurt too much. Patricia and Celeste had both tried to contact me, but I had ignored all messages. It took too much energy to answer them.
The ringing of the doorbell jarred me out of my self-imposed seclusion. Grabbing my cash to pay the deliveryman, I walked to the door. When I opened it, I did a double take. Sebastian was standing right there in the doorway.
“Hey, Ashley. May I come in?” he asked in a quiet voice.
Without speaking a word, I slowly backed up, giving him room to come inside. Sebastian walked in and looked around at my kitchen, covered in take-out boxes, and my living room, covered in trash and blankets from when I had tried to sleep on the sofa. Looking back at me, he said, “Are you okay?”
Finally I found my voice, “Yeah, I’m fine… can’t you tell?”
Sebastian looked at me, sincerity in his eyes. “Ashley, I came to talk. Is now a good time?”
“Depends on what you want to talk about,” I said, my voice shaking.
“I want to talk about us,” he responded.
I have to admit, my heart started doing that thing again. The one where I felt like I couldn’t breathe because it was pounding out of my chest, yet anxiety was squeezing it back in.
“Okay, let’s go into the living room,” I said as I abruptly turned in that direction and started tossing blankets off the sofa so he would have someplace to sit.
Sebastian followed me into the room and sat down on the far end of the sofa. I took a seat at the other end, putting my hands between my knees so he wouldn’t see me wringing them in nervousness. I looked everywhere in the room except directly at him.
Sebastian broke the silence. “I saw you today….”
My stomach lurched as I realized he knew I had scouted him out. “Uh… well this is embarrassing.” Looking him in the eye, I asked, “Would you believe I was just passing by?”
“No,” he responded, raising his eyebrow.
“How about if I told you I stumbled upon your movie set?”
“No… but it doesn’t matter why you came, I’m just glad you did,” Sebastian said turning to completely face me.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
He smiled for the first time. “I’ve missed you, Ashley,” he said quietly.
My heart nearly stopped as I continued to look at him. He dropped his head to stare down at his hands. “What did you say?” I whispered. Surely, I had heard wrong.
Sebastian looked up to meet my eyes and said softly, “I said I’ve missed you. I miss our chats, our jokes… I’ve missed all of it.”
I didn’t know how to respond, so I blurted out the obvious. “Then why haven’t you tried to contact me?”
“I tried to call you the other night, but you didn’t answer.”
“I thought that was you…. Why didn’t you leave a message?” I asked as I tried to read his expression.
“Because when you didn’t answer, I decided I should talk to you like this—face-to-face.”
“Are you going to storm out on me again?” I asked hesitantly.
Sebastian smiled as he responded, “I sincerely hope not.”
“Seb… about my big fat lie… I wish I could take it all back. It’s been torture these past few months. I really wanted to tell you, I swear I did. I just didn’t want to risk losing you. But, as I see now, not telling you is the real reason that I’m losing you.”
“About that, Ash… I’ve been thinking about everything you said, both in New York and in our conversation that night. If I face the truth, I did lie to you as well. I may not have flat-out told you that I was gay, but I damn sure led you to believe that I wasn’t. I’m as guilty of lying as you are.”
I began to relax a little. “Sebastian, can I ask you something?”
Sebastian motioned with his head for me to go ahead.
“If I had told you that I was a guy from the beginning, would you have allowed yourself to get so close to me?”
Sebastian shifted so that he was facing me directly. “Ash, I came here to be honest, so if I’m being honest about that question, the answer is no. I wouldn’t have contacted you nearly as much, nor would I have continued the friendship much past the first few encounters.”
I was taken aback. Wow… I knew I had been right about that. But it didn’t make sense. He’s gay, he’s single, why not chat up a guy online?
“Okay—” was all I could get out before Sebastian interrupted me.
“You were right, Ash. I felt more comfortable with the idea of chatting with a girl. Mainly because I knew I didn’t need to worry about feelings or attraction becoming part of the equation. However, when I started having feelings for you, I couldn’t believe it. I know that I’m not physically attracted to women, so what the hell was I going to do with all these feelings for you? Hell, it was a strange kind of relief when I found out you were a guy.”
All I heard was the one l
ine. “You have feelings for me?”
“That’s what I came here to say.” Reaching out to grasp my hand, Sebastian continued, “I have missed you so much. I feel lonely because I haven’t been able to talk to you every night. I miss how funny you are and how adorably neurotic you can be. I guess you could say I’ve been miserable for the past few weeks.”
I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and grabbed his other hand. “Join the crowd. I’ve never been so miserable. That’s why I came to the set today. I just wanted to see you, even if it was for just a minute.”
We sat there, smiling these goofy grins at each other. Finally, I asked, “So what does all of this mean?”
“I hope it means that while I’m here in Savannah you’ll spend time with me. I won’t have a lot of free time, but when I do, I want you there with me. I want to get to know the real you… the man….”
My heart swelled as goose bumps tickled my arms. “I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want that.”
“You do realize I’m assuming you’re gay?” Sebastian said with a smile.
Slowly pulling him to me, I said, “And your assumption would be 100 percent correct.”
With our faces close together, Sebastian reached over and placed those perfectly shaped lips on mine. I pulled his face closer to mine as I opened my mouth and accepted our first kiss. After a minute Sebastian pulled away and murmured, “You do realize you catfished me, right?”
I pulled his mouth back to mine as I said, “Technically, we catfished each other.” Smiling, I continued, “Let’s not use that word. Let’s just say that we made it through a very tangled web. Now, come back here. Your man has missed you.” Sebastian grinned and fell into my arms.
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