by Drew Sera
“What about Kelsie and Noah?” Colin asked.
“No, we’re not going down that route. I spoke to Noah today about it in fact. He’s going to treat her like a little sister.”
If the guys bought that or not, I didn’t care. I knew though that I wasn’t going to have an issue with Noah and Kelsie.
While we were talking, the ball from their water volleyball game hit Kelsie in the forehead. Noah swam under the net to her and rubbed his fingers over the spot that was red. He asked her something, and she smiled and nodded at him before he swam back to his side of the net.
Perfect. That’s what I wanted from Noah.
“Little one,” I called over to her.
Kelsie looked over at me, and I gestured for her to come over to me. She swam over and put her hands on the decking between my legs.
“Yes, Daddy?”
I ran my thumb over the red spot and asked her if she was okay. She gave me a smile and said it was fine. I put my hands under her armpits and lifted her out to the water just enough to where I could kiss her forehead, and then I gently lowered her back into the water.
“Have fun, sweetheart.”
She smiled and swam away.
“Your naked pool parties are awesome, Blake,” Colin said.
Somewhere shortly after two in the morning, Noah called my name from the side of our bed.
“Sir,” he whispered.
I turned the light on and squinted at him after I looked at the clock.
“What is it?”
“Sir, I think Kelsie is upset. I got up to go pee, and I could hear her. She sounded upset.”
I got out of bed, pulled on some shorts, and made my way down the hall to Kelsie’s room. As I approached, I could hear a noise in her room. I softly knocked on her door and pushed it open.
Kelsie was lying naked on the floor, legs parted with her feet propped up on the bed. In her hand, she held a washcloth and brought it down to strike her pussy with it. Moments passed until it registered what she was doing: she was self-inflicting pain. Her face held determination, and when she noticed I was in the doorway, she burst into tears.
I crouched beside her and pulled the wet washcloth from her hand. I scooped her up in my arms and sat on the bed with her.
“Shh, little one. Daddy has you.”
My heart was pounding as I rocked her in my arms and she buried her face in my chest. I thought about what I walked in on her doing; she was hurting herself. She was whipping herself with a wet rag. I gently pulled her legs apart and looked over her shoulder at her pussy. She was red, and the lash marks looked sore.
“Little one,” was all I could get out.
“I ache, Daddy,” she cried.
I knew she was referring to a deep ache. It wasn’t a physical ache at all, though. This was a deep ache that has been brewing somewhere between her soul and her mind. This kind of ache couldn’t be soothed with ice or ibuprofen. This ache needed special attention.
“I know, little sub. Daddy will fix it.”
I stood up and carried Kelsie to my playroom, shutting the door softly behind me.
Adrenaline was pumping through my veins as I thought quickly about this. She needed me to ease the aches and pains. Kelsie needed a cathartic release. Putting her on the spanking bench would keep the front of her body more covered and “protected” from vulnerable feelings versus the St. Andrew’s Cross. She needs to be completely open and “bare” in order for her to get out of this exactly what she needed, but the cross was a little too dramatic for her needs tonight.
Glancing upward, I knew the cable system would be best. Nothing would be in the way. Kelsie simply could stand, holding onto the rope above her wrist restraints. I set her down on her bare feet and went to the drawer to get some soft lined cuffs. With her tiny wrists surrounded by the soft fleece, I attached them to the carabiner that dangled from the rope.
“Little sub, hold onto the rope.”
Holding her face in my hands, I looked into her eyes. I knew better than to rely on her to tell me when she had enough. My arms would tire before my little rowdy girl would break. I needed to give her something to alert me when she’s had enough in case she’s unable to voice it. When Cathy and I know we’re going to get into a heavy play session, if workable, I place a plastic ball in her hand. The ball has a bunch of tiny bells inside of it, so when dropped, it makes a decent amount of noise and will alert me in the event she can’t verbally tell me. I found the ball and placed it in Kelsie’s hands and explained it to her.
With my deer skinned flogger in hand, I began working on Kelsie’s back, keeping it concentrated on her upper back. After a decent amount of time and her reddened back, she had barely moved. I set the flogger down and pulled the leather paddle out.
Standing in front of Kelsie, I took hold of her chin and tilted it upward so she’d look at me. Her eyes were clear, though tears were sitting in the lower lids of her eyes. I think if I stayed there and just looked at her long enough, she would have cried. But I knew she wasn’t ready yet. I reminded her again to say “red” if she had enough.
I wanted to administer the paddling while maintaining some sort of physical contact with her. Spankings and paddlings can be humiliating, and given what Kelsie has stored up, I had a feeling that this would cause her to bend a bit. Standing to her left, I reached across her body and took hold of her right hip with my left hand. She would be able to feel the strength of my arm draped across her body. My hopes were that she’d feel my support and comfort, and wouldn’t be afraid to let go.
The paddling started, and as expected, she began moving into me a little bit here and there. After twenty swats, I stopped and ran my hand over her ass. I kept my eyes on her though and saw her lips begin to quiver.
“Little one, have you had enough?”
She sniffled, shook her head and readjusted her grip on the rope. I nodded and continued spanking her with the paddle. We hit fifty-seven when the gasp and whimper escaped her mouth. I knew she had been trying to hold it in, but the tears and release were on the horizon. Heavier than before, her weight was leaning against me and her forehead was hiding against her upper arm overhead.
“Sweetheart,”
That one little word started the chain reaction. Tears spilled as the sobs tore from her gut. From her hand, she dropped the ball and hung her head, crying. Quickly I released her wrists from the cuffs, but Kelsie still held the rope, as if she was saying she wasn’t done, despite the ball dropping.
“Little one, let go. Daddy’s got you.”
I pried her small fingers from the rope, and she crashed into me. Picking her up, I carried her to a large leather chair in the room and sat down, cuddling her to my body. I would get some lotion on her body shortly, but first, she needed some love and nourishing for that soul of hers. I stroked her cheek, and upper arm as the tears continued to fall and reassured her that “daddy” had her and wouldn’t let anything happen to her.
After our session, and her eyes were dry, I stayed with her in her bed. Though I didn't sleep, I held her…and she let me through the rest of the night. I knew that she would feel awkward and embarrassed about last night, so I wanted to try to show her that it was okay and that I wasn't judging her.
“Morning, little one,” I said softly when her eyes opened.
She smiled shyly and began to apologize. I kissed her lips and told her it would be okay.
“How are you feeling, baby girl?”
Kelsie wiggled around a bit and stretched some before smiling and nodding again.
“I feel really good. It’s hard to explain.”
“You don't have to explain, sweetheart.”
I could tell she felt ashamed and I didn't want her to worry or dwell upon this. The best thing for Kelsie this morning would be something to keep her busy and occupied.
“Little one, would you like to make breakfast for everyone this morning?”
“Yes, I'd like that.”
A small smile appear
ed on her face, and I also took it as her way of thanking me for something that she didn't feel secure enough to say. And that was okay.
I gave her a bath, paying a little more attention her pussy. I gently washed her there in case she was still sore from when she hit herself. She hadn't flinched at all.
Her back glowed several hues of red, though skin had not been broken last night. There were a few small slightly raised red lines on her back from the falls of the flogger. Her paddled ass was still very red, and there were a few spots of broken blood vessels near the curve of her right ass cheek and the back of her thigh.
She dressed in some soft shorts and a comfy t-shirt, and I sent her to the kitchen before heading to my room. I stopped in the doorway when I saw Noah face down on the bed, his head buried between my wife’s legs. Cathy had fists full of Noah’s hair and was quietly moaning.
“Reach up and pinch those nipples, Noah. She's too quiet,” I instructed as I headed towards the bathroom.
Over my razor and morning bathroom routine, I could hear Cathy’s moans grow in volume. I smiled when I heard her come and poked my head in the bedroom. Cathy was stroking Noah’s hair as he continued to lick her. Soon, Cathy sent Noah off to his room to get ready for the day, and she joined me in the bathroom. I briefly mentioned the event with Kelsie last night. She knew I went in to check on her last night after Noah alerted us that she was upset.
“She needed a distraction and is making breakfast for everyone.”
“Good idea, darling.”
I quickly finished getting dressed and went to the kitchen. Kelsie already had coffee made, and I stood beside her, watching her as she tended to the bacon in the pan. I think she was still too embarrassed to look at me. I bent down and kissed her cheek and gave her butt a playful swat.
“I'll be on the patio, little one.”
I sat down at the table and set my coffee in front of me and began breaking down my night.
Over the course of years, I've met many bottoms that inflicted pain upon themselves. Asking them why they do it, doesn't help. I have taken some classes regarding the psychology of submissives, and Doms for that matter and they've touched on self-infliction. Reasons behind it aren't always black and white, though one element is almost always present; they hurt emotionally and turn to physical pain to release some of the emotional pain. The physical pain “allows” them to release the tension and tears. It gives them “permission” to cry, in many cases.
I hadn't seen this coming with Kelsie. She and I had played in Irons for many months, and I never saw signs of this. I never saw wounds, abrasions, cuts or the like, and I always paid attention to her body. I knew she had carefully crafted walls and even said her safe word to avoid after care, so I knew there was a reason for that. But it wasn't until last night was I aware of her self-inflicting. While I don't know how long she's been doing this, I don't think last night was her first go at it. She had whipped her pussy with a wet washcloth. For the most part, it would make her red and perhaps leave a few angry welts. It wouldn't appear as anything other than a young woman having some rough sex or a playful impact session.
She knew a conversation was on the horizon with me about this, but it was probably going to be much different than she is expecting. Was self-inflicting a deal breaker for me? Absolutely not. I just needed to think.
Noah and Kelsie cleaned up the dishes and kitchen after breakfast and then Cathy was going to tease and play with Noah in the playroom. He looked eager as he followed my wife inside. I glanced at Kelsie and thought this would be a good time for our chat.
“Little one,” I said and patted my thigh.
Kelsie gave me a warm smile and settled on my lap. I hugged her against my body and kissed the top of her head, hoping she would relax some.
“Please relax, little one. You're not in trouble. I'm not angry with you.” I paused hoping she would take that in. “I'm not going to berate you or say that you shouldn't hurt yourself. I will tell you that I think I understand.”
Kelsie looked up at me with hopeful eyes, trusting that this conversation would be different than she expected. Placing my hand flat against her sternum, I gave her chest a playful rub.
“I understand that there is something somewhere in here that makes you feel that you have to punish yourself. I don't know what that driving force is, but I understand that it's there. You might not even know where it comes from, though I may have an idea.”
I kissed her cheek and cuddled her close to me.
“I suppose you're not going to want to play with me at the end of the week, right?”
“Quite the opposite, little one.”
“I don't want to see some doctor. I don't need to.”
“Sweetheart, I never mentioned that I thought you needed that at all.”
“Brent said…Brent said I needed to.”
I sighed and kissed the top of her head again.
“I think Brent misunderstood you, Kelsie. I'm not trying to fix you. There’s nothing wrong with you. You just need someone who will love you and take care of you, unconditionally.”
She stared at me through teary eyes, as if she were still comprehending what I was telling her. I knew she craved affection, but she was terrified to accept it. Her youth was spent trying to be loved and earn affection. Kelsie felt guilty for wanting it so badly, and for allowing herself to accept it when she did. This, I think, is what led to the self-inflicting.
“I'm going to tell you something, Kelsie.” She nodded and gripped my fingers that her hand was wrapped around. “You could have sold your soul to the devil himself in exchange for your father’s love and affection, and it wouldn't have been enough.”
Her pretty blue eyes moved quickly back, and forth and all around. She nodded, and more tears fell from those eyes. I hugged her to me and told her not to worry.
“Here’s what I propose, little one. You and I need to come up with a way for you to tell me, not in words, when you're starting to feel the need come on where you think you need to punish yourself. And I know, that you know when it's coming on. Give me the chance to take care of it before you take matters into your hands, little one.”
I could feel her head nodding against my chest, and she mumbled, “Ok.”
When she knows when she's nearing that low point, I want to be the one to give her the heavy session she needs versus her doing it to herself. At least this way, I know she's safe, and I can take care of her and look after her.
Kelsie got changed, and she and I ventured out to do some shopping. Our main purpose was to find an object or a bracelet that she could put on that would alert me quietly that she was in need. I knew better than to rely on her verbally telling me, simply because she felt ashamed of it. I didn't want her to feel ashamed, but I knew this was something that would subside over time. Hopefully.
We went into a store that had what I'd call kids accessories. The store’s target group had to be kids or teens trying to find that fun little piece of plastic to go with an outfit. Kelsie was familiar with the store and wanted to go in. After far too much pop music that would last me a lifetime, Kelsie picked up an elastic bracelet with black, glossy beads. Dangling from the bracelet was a fluorescent pink skull and crossbones. She simply held it up to me, waiting for my opinion. I nodded and we made the purchase. The thing was $2.99, but there wasn't a price tag associated with something that would alert me to help keep her safe.
Chapter Thirty-One
June 2003
The rest of the week had gone very well and was full of sex in my house. Cathy was having a blast with Noah, and we were all building a great relationship.
Kelsie and I spent time together before bedtime, and we had fallen in the pattern of a bedtime story. I would take in Playboy and find a dirty little story to read her. The best part of story time was that Kelsie would cuddle against me, her head rested on my chest as she listened. Sometimes I'd drag the story out or start another one so that I could hold her a little longer. She needed it a
nd was finally starting to accept the affection she wanted, without the guilt.
I didn't want the week to end and was a little worried about our separation. Not just Kelsie and me, but Cathy and Noah. Somehow, these two little-lost souls have given Cathy and I a reminder that our hearts, and home, can handle two more.
It was Sunday now, and time to return to our usual life for a while. At least until Cathy and I could sit down and seriously discuss adding Kelsie and Noah to our home. Kelsie was going to take her bracelet home and would keep it in her bag when she comes to Irons, just in case. I would always be on alert and check her wrists for it.
My heart was heavy for the next few days. I was restless and felt something in the pit of my stomach that I can say with one hundred percent certainty, that I’ve only felt a few other times in my life. Worry.
Sitting outside on my patio, I thought about the last time I felt this kind of worry; it was with Anthony. Though it was different, it was also very much the same. I cared about both Kelsie and Anthony, and would do anything for either of them to ensure their safety and happiness. With Anthony, I felt very connected to him. Almost as though he were my son. Kelsie was a bit different in that she and I had a very powerful, unique, sexual connection.
Though I maintained contact with Kelsie nearly every day via phone or email, it still wasn’t the same, and I began to long for her. Cathy was also going through some withdraws of not having Noah around.
Irons became a little awkward for Kelsie and I. While Cathy would take Noah down in the dungeon still, I kept watch over Kelsie but hadn’t played with her in the club since our separation. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to, I think it was because I was trying to protect something that was really a lost cause at this point…my heart.
Kelsie was so young still and had her life ahead of her. I was well over twenty-five years older than her.
As much as it kills me, I’ve been watching her scenes when she comes to the club to play. I watch over her like a hawk and make sure that I’m there for her after the scene. So far, she hasn’t let a single Top or Dom provide any form of after care. Some Doms have refused to scene with her because of this. I understand the kind of care she needs after a scene and am always ready to help her.
