Choices

by Michelle MacQueen

  “I’ll see you two later.” Their father waved as they left him. Jason squeezed her shoulder and kept going, wanting to get out of the hospital as much as she did.

  It was late in the day when they arrived at the house. Michaela breathed in the sea air. She wished the ocean was visible from the house, but it’d have to do just being close to it. The sun was already sinking on the horizon as they entered the kitchen in search of food. The kitchen staff had gone a bit overboard, but no one was complaining. They were all starving.

  They stuffed their faces, their mouths too full to talk. It didn’t take long until they were stuffed and bursting at the seams.

  “It’s good to be home,” Michaela said. “That hospital food was gross.”

  “You going back tonight?” Jason asked Chris.

  “No, in the morning.” Chris slid his chair back from the table and stood. “I’m going to shower and crash early.”

  “Sounds like a good plan.” Michaela wiped a hand across her tired eyes. “I’ll do the same.”

  It wasn’t a good night to be out driving. It was dark, and the roads were icy. Michaela looked at the driver in the front seat and screamed. His faced was slashed like a checkerboard and a large fragment of glass stuck out from his neck.

  “Hold on to the wheel!” she screamed at him. He didn’t respond. The wheel spun rapidly. Suddenly, a bright light blinded her, and she shut her eyes. When she opened them again, she was in total darkness, but not in a car. She was in her own room. Her breath rattled through her chest as it rose and fell in quick succession. She sat up and ran a sweat-soaked palm through her hair.

  Getting out of bed, Michaela went to her window and threw open the curtains. Not a bit of moonlight shone through the darkness. She flipped her light switch and shielded her eyes from the brightness. She rubbed at a scar on her face that had started to itch and flopped back on her bed. She needed to get some sleep, but she couldn’t bear to turn out the light. For the first time in her adult life, she was scared to be in her own bedroom.

  A light knock at the door almost made her jump out of her own skin.

  “Michaela?” Jason called softly.

  “You can come in,” she said, breathless. She felt stupid, but the darkness held her nightmares.

  “Are you okay?” Jason walked to the end of her bed. He wore long sweatpants but no shirt. Water droplets gleaned off his torso. “I was getting out of the shower and I saw the light.”

  “I’m fine.” Michaela couldn’t bring herself to look at him for more than a few seconds as he sat on the bed.

  “You sure?”

  “No,” Michaela admitted.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I guess I just got used to you sleeping in my room in the hospital.” There, it was part of the truth. His presence had kept her from being sucked into the memories of the accident. He smiled shyly, not taking his eyes off of her.

  “Well,” he said. “You should try to get some more sleep.” He made a move to stand, but Michaela reach out and grabbed his arm.

  “Will you stay with me?” she asked desperately. “Please?”

  He swallowed hard and then nodded slowly. Turning off the light, Jason went back to the bed and Michaela moved over to give him room. She took his hand in hers and curled up on her side, falling asleep immediately.

  It was still dark when Jason woke. He looked around trying to figure out where he was, and then it hit him. He was in Michaela’s room. Where was she?

  Last night he’d watched her fall asleep and then put his arm around her and done the same. Just as it had the very first time he held her in his arms, back when he barely knew her, it felt right. In her sleep, she’d molded herself to him and he held her against his chest protectively.

  It was time, he decided. He had to tell her. She was out of the hospital and was going to be okay. He worried about adding something else to her plate with her father not doing well, but he wanted to be there for her. He didn’t want to hold anything back anymore. If she didn’t feel the same way, he’d have to deal with that, but he thought she did. He felt it in the way she trembled against him. He heard it in the way she said his name. Or that could just have been his mind telling him what he wanted to hear.

  Jason inched his way down the staircase, trying not to wake the rest of the house. He didn’t know where Michaela would be. The house was huge and, knowing her and how she grew up, she probably had a place she would escape to.

  The kitchen was silent as he made his way through the dark space. He didn’t want to just open doors because he didn’t know where they led. There was one room already open at the end of the hall with light spilling out. Jason stopped when he looked inside.

  Mrs. Matthews sat in an overstuffed chair in the study with a glass of scotch in one hand. Her head was tilted back and her eyes were shut, but she knew he was there.

  “If you’re looking for my daughter,” she said without looking at him, “you should try the beach.”

  “Are you alright?” he asked tentatively. He hadn’t seen her ‘dragon lady’ side yet, but he knew from her children that it was in there, always just beneath the surface.

  “Michaela probably needs you more than I do right now, young man.” She finally looked at him warily. “I heard her crying as the front door shut.”

  “Didn’t you go after her?”

  “Son, as I’m sure you’ve heard, I am not that mother. I have no words of comfort. I’m sure I’ll only make it worse if I go out there. You, on the other hand, need to stop talking to me and go.” She pointed to the desk on the opposite wall. “There’s a flashlight in the top drawer to help you find the path.”

  Jason didn’t say another word as he closed the drawer and walked away from her. He grabbed his coat and a blanket from the front closet before shutting the front door behind him.

  Outside, the flashlight made finding the path to the beach easy and, before long, Michaela’s silhouette appeared. She sat a little ways up the beach. As he got closer, Jason could see that she had her knees hugged up to her chest, and her back shook with sobs. He turned off the flashlight and draped the blanket over Michaela’s shoulders. She tugged the corners of the blanket tighter around herself but didn’t look at him as he sat beside her. He put his arm around her and she curled into his side.

  “Mic,” he said. “Talk to me.”

  “He should never have been in that car.”

  “This is about your dad?”

  “If I just hadn’t cried out. If I had let Ethan...”

  “What did Ethan do to you?” His voice hardened and Michaela buried her face in his chest.

  “He...” She paused. “He was hurting me, and my dad found us. That’s why we left when we did. That’s why we were in that car.”

  “It isn’t your fault.” He had to work hard to soften his words with the anger rolling around inside of him. If he ever saw Ethan again, he didn’t know what he’d do. Jason smoothed her hair and kissed the top of her head.

  “I keep wondering when he’s going to remember everything I said to him. I was so awful to him, Jason. All the years of anger towards him came spilling out, and I couldn’t stop it. Then... Then...”

  “Then the car crashed,” he finished for her. She nodded against him.

  “I keep thinking that it’d be best if those were some of the memories he never gets back. But, what if he doesn’t? Do I just live with it?” She finally looked up at him with wide eyes.

  “We all have to live with something,” he whispered, wiping the tears from her face with his thumbs.

  It happened quickly. One second, Michaela was crying into his shirt, and the next, she was kissing him. Jason didn’t stop her. He’d wanted to kiss her ever since that last time. Her lips were salty from her tears, and they felt warm and soft against his.

  She broke away and got to her feet quickly. “I’m sorry,” she breathed. She tried to turn and walk away, but he stopped her.

  “Why are you sorry?”

&n
bsp; “I’m a mess.” She started crying again and collapsed into his arms. “When I kiss you, Jason, I don’t have to think about any of this. I don’t have to think at all. I shouldn’t use you like that.”

  “Is that all it is?” he asked. “Using me?”

  “I don’t know.” She pushed away from him. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

  “Michaela, I can’t breathe when I’m around you, and I can’t stand it when I’m not. I hate not being able to kiss you, but if you don’t have any feelings for me, I understand. I’d rather be your friend than be nothing to you at all.”

  “Are you saying that...”

  “I’m in love with you.”

  Michaela stood perfectly still. She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again. This was what she’d been waiting for. That moment of clarity she’d always believed in but never thought she’d experience. The moment when she knew exactly what she wanted. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it before. It was Jason.

  In the dark, she could tell when Jason’s shoulders started to sag in defeat at the lack of a response from her, and she realized she was waiting too long. She had to say something.

  “When I told you that I don’t have to think when I kiss you,” she started slowly, “it’s because I can’t think about anything but you, but us, when I’m that close to you.” She couldn’t read his expression to tell if he understood what she was saying. Then a memory popped into her head. “Right after I met you, you told me that sometimes you know right away if you could fall in love with a person.”

  “That was about you,” he said softly.

  “You knew.” She tilted her head to the side. “You knew right away. You knew long before I did.”

  “Michaela.” He stepped closer. “I feel like I’ve always known.” Without another word, he smoothed her hair and turned her face up to look him in the eye. His eyes searched hers for an intense moment, and then he kissed her.

  Michaela felt her mind clearing until all that was left was her and Jason and that beach.

  This kiss was different from before. Gone was the desperation of a friendship that could never be more. It was more now. This kiss was about promises and hope rather than longing and jealousy. Michaela parted her lips and Jason deepened the kiss, but it never went farther than that. Michaela smiled against his lips and laughed.

  “What?” Jason breathed.

  “When I first moved to New York, my brother told me not to even think about going there with you because I was on the rebound.”

  “Did you heed his warning?”

  “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about doing this,” she kissed him quickly and broke away, “since the day I met you.”

  He kissed her long and hard and then sat back.

  “Man.” She laughed again. “You sure know how to cheer a girl up.”

  “I’ll send you the bill.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Do we have to get up?” Michaela whined. She was lying in bed with Jason, although fully clothed. They’d decided to take it slow, and Michaela felt like she was back in high school again. She wasn’t complaining though. It was nice. There were no expectations. She draped her leg over his and bunched his shirt in her hands as he kissed her again. She leaned back, panting. “I mean, I know we have to go, but I want to just lay here like this forever.”

  “I know what you mean.” Jason sighed. He sat up quickly when Michaela’s door banged open.

  “Are you ready ...” Chris froze, looking at them, with his jaw practically on the floor. Michaela threw a pillow at him and laughed.

  “Hey man,” Jason said sheepishly. Yep, definitely back in high school. Getting caught making out in her parents’ house. Chris’s face broke into a grin.

  “Well, at least you guys have your clothes on. I can’t tell you how many times I walked in on Michaela and douche bag mid-strip.”

  “It’s called knocking,” Michaela yelled. She wasn’t angry though.

  “It’s called locking your door.” Chris laughed. “Anyways, it’s about time you guys happened. I’m over your pining.” He pointed to Jason. “And your moping.” That was directed at Michaela.

  “I don’t mope!” she yelled at the same time Jason said, “I don’t pine.” They looked at each other, and all three of them were laughing now.

  “So, as much as I’m sure we’d all like to throw a parade to celebrate what everyone with eyes knew was inevitable, Mom is waiting for us.”

  “Right,” Michaela said, untangling herself from Jason and getting to her feet. “Let’s go see Dad.” Chris left them to finish getting ready.

  “I should stay here and let your family be together.” Jason grabbed Michaela’s hand and she turned to look at him.

  “No,” she pleaded. “I need you with me. I don’t know if I’m strong enough on my own.”

  “Of course you are.” He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her. “And you won’t be on your own. Your mom and brother will be there.” He really had to call Maggie and Aaron to check on things. He knew he’d have to get back to the city soon.

  “Please, Jason.” She looked up at him and it was then that he realized he didn’t think he’d ever be able to say no to her. At least not when she looked at him like that.

  “Okay.” He kissed the top of her head. “Okay.”

  “You head in,” Michaela told Chris. “I’m going to talk to the nurse for a minute.”

  “Sure.” Chris turned into the room.

  Jason grabbed Michaela’s hand and squeezed. “I’ll let you guys have your time with your dad. I’m going to get a coffee.”

  Michaela nodded and parted ways with him to head to the nurse’s station. Her father’s nurse met her halfway and smiled. “Your father’s been in a very happy mood today,” she said. “He’ll be glad to see you.”

  “What, did you give him a lobotomy?” The words slipped out of Michaela’s mouth before she could stop them. “Happy” was not a term she’d heard used to describe her dad before. Maybe the accident changed him. They had a way of doing that. Maybe he was so drugged up that it had made him delirious. Or maybe, with all his memory loss, he had yet to remember that he was a controlling ass.

  Michaela shook that last thought from her mind. She knew she had to start thinking of him differently. Almost losing him made her realize how much she wanted her father in her life. This was her time to be there for him.

  “Now, he still doesn’t remember the accident but, in his state, we’re thinking that’s a good thing for the time being,” the nurse said, ignoring Michaela’s joke. “There are some things that are coming back to him, but it’s slow going. He’s probably never going to get a lot of it back. His life as he knew it is over. So tread carefully with him. Steer clear of anything that might upset him.”

  “Will do,” Michaela said softly as the nurse left her outside her father’s room. She waited in the hall for a few minutes, not wanting to interrupt Chris’ time with their dad. Their voices drifted out towards her. She knew she probably shouldn’t eavesdrop, but she couldn’t help herself.

  “It should’ve been your spot all along,” her father was saying. “But I was stubborn. Stubborn and scared.”

  “Dad...” Chris started to say.

  “Let me get this out, son,” their dad cut him off. “Being here in this town isn’t easy for people that are... different.”

  Michaela grimaced at that. Her father still couldn’t say “gay.”

  “But things have changed,” he continued. “I can’t go back to the firm any time soon.”

  “Dad,” Chris said urgently. “I’m sure there are a few of your partners who are dying to take over.”

  “It’s Matthews and Matthews, damn you!” That’s the father Michaela recognized. The one who yelled at his children during the brief periods he wasn’t ignoring them all together.

  “It’s the family’s firm,” he said, more calmly this time. “And, when I do come back, it’ll be nice to ha
ve two Matthews there once again.”

  Michaela had heard enough. Her father wanted Chris to stay. Maybe that was the right thing to do under the circumstances. She just couldn’t imagine her brother getting sucked back into this world.

  “Hi, Dad.” Michaela entered the room and walked quickly to the side of the bed. She looked down at him and wiped her face when she felt the dampness on her cheeks. No matter how much anger she’d harbored towards this man, seeing him like this was hard. Her father had always been this pillar of strength in her life. He was hard and cold, but strong.

  “How are you feeling?” she asked.

  “Oh, I’m okay,” her father responded nonchalantly. She’d never known him to be nonchalant. “They say I might be able to get out of here in the next week.”

  “Really?” Chris was surprised.

  “Yeah, I’ll have to have an in-home nurse and I’ll have to come to the hospital for therapy. It’s going to be a lot of work. Your mother, believe it or not, has cleared all the events from her calendar to focus on my treatments. Never thought I’d see anything get in the way of her social life.”

  “That’s great,” Michaela said, equally surprised. “I assumed she’d hire some extra help.”

  “Me too.” Her father scratched the side of his face and glanced away. “She said it’s a family affair. Whatever that means. We’re going to be spending more time together than we ever have, because I don’t know when or if I’ll be able to go back to the firm.”

  “You may not be going back?” Michaela asked, trying to act like she hadn’t heard everything he’d said to Chris.

  “I can’t remember things, dammit!” Their dad’s sudden outburst made both Chris and Michaela step back. When he calmed down, he spoke again. “So, no, I won’t be going back anytime soon.”

  “Everything alright in here?” Jason poked his head in. He looked directly at Michaela. “I heard yelling.”

  “Young man...” Her father stopped and narrowed his eyes. “I know you,” he accused. Then his eyes grew wide. “You’re that bartender. What are you doing here, son? As I’m sure Michaela has told you, she is to marry Ethan Walker.”