“That’s why you pushed me away.”
“I had to. When I found out you were leaving it was like finding out the drug that had been keeping me alive for weeks was suddenly being ripped away and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t know how I was going to live without it. Without you. So I pushed you away and I tried to find my fix with someone else. Only it wasn’t the same. Her touch didn’t light me on fire. Her scent didn’t drive me wild. Her kiss didn’t give me the high I needed to feel satisfied. And then you were there, tears swimming in your eyes, the hurt so evident that it nearly fucking broke me.” He leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “I’m so sorry, Laken. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I was in control. I wasn’t. And in that moment I knew I had to let you go. Not for my sake but for yours. I knew I’d only hurt you more as time went on. I knew there was no way I could give you the life you wanted. The life you deserve. How could I? I’m a recovering addict with a criminal record. I will always be an addict. My addiction will always be a part of my life. I could never ask you to take that on.”
“You wouldn’t have had to ask,” I tell him, fighting back the urge to reach out and touch him.
“That’s my point. You would have taken it on no questions asked. But then what kind of person would that make me?”
“You deserve to be happy just like everyone else. You can’t punish yourself forever.”
“I have to.” He meets my gaze and the pain in his eyes is enough to take my breath away. “It’s the only way I know how to survive.”
“Thad.”
“I mean it, Laken. Living with my demons is the only way I know how to control them.”
“Why did you move?”
“Because nothing felt right after you were gone. Everywhere I looked there you were. Haunting me. So one night I decided to try to drink you away. Needless to say that only made things worse. That’s when I knew I had to go. I was doing myself more harm than good by being there. The ranch was only meant to be a temporary fix anyway. I couldn’t continue to hide out there and let the rest of the world pass me by. I found a support program with a group in Charter. It’s why I moved there. I’m doing a new program centered around every day recovering and not just getting you through the initial steps. One of the most important steps of this program is to not carry around the weight of your regrets. To handle each issue as it happens and not let it be something that deters your continued recovery.”
“That’s why you’re here.” I finally piece it all together.
He nods slowly, his light blue gaze holding mine intently.
“How everything went down between us. The way I treated you. How I never told you how I truly felt about you. These are all things that have stopped me from moving on. So, I decided I needed to handle it head on and Chris was good enough to help me do it by coming here with me. I knew I had to come, to give us both the closure I feel like we need.”
“What if I don’t want it to be over?” I practically choke on the words.
“It’s what’s best, Lake. You know that deep down as well as I do. Your life is here. You’re doing the one thing you said you’ve always wanted to do. Here it is, right in front of you. I don’t fit in this life and that’s okay.”
“But it’s not okay,” I argue. “You do fit. Don’t you see that? You fit with me.”
“You believe that because I’ve allowed you to believe it. You don’t know the real me, Laken. Not the broken parts anyway.”
“I know enough.”
“You know what you want to know, what I’ve let you see. You don’t understand the reality of it all. You don’t know what I’m like when I get a craving or how unpredictable I can become. One minute I can seem perfectly fine and the next I’m spiraling. Sometimes a meeting will get me through it, but what happens when it doesn’t? What happens when I come home high off of whatever I could get my hands on and lash out at you? Or worse, and I do something unforgivable and lose you forever?”
“No relationship comes with a guarantee.”
“No, but a normal relationship doesn’t come with so much risk.”
“What if I said I didn’t care? That I’d take the risk for you.”
“It wouldn’t change my mind.” He blows out a slow breath.
“So this is it?” I snap, pushing to a stand. “You come all this way for closure but in reality what you’re saying is that I’m not enough to fight for.”
“Don’t twist this around. You know that’s not it.” He watches me pace to the other side of the room and back again. “I’m doing this because I care about you, because I don’t want to hurt you the way I’ve hurt every other person that’s had the misfortune of loving me. I have quite literally disappointed everyone who’s ever been too close and I won’t do that to you. I can’t. I can’t bear to see that look in your eyes. The same look my parents’ wore every time I was arrested or showed up at their house high.”
“All I hear are excuses, Thad. You can’t be with me because of your past. You don’t deserve me. You can’t make me happy. But you do make me happy. That’s the point you seem to be missing. We can figure the rest out. I know we can.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying because you don’t know the real me.”
“Right, only the you you’ve let me see, huh?” I bite out angrily, focusing on that emotion instead of the pain searing its way through my chest. “How convenient for you. You let me see the good parts so I’ll fuck you but when it comes to anything real you push me away because it’s just too hard. Does that about sum it up?”
“Laken,” his voice stern as he stands.
“Don’t. Don’t do that. Don’t look at me with those fucking eyes and tell me how much I mean to you. That I mean so much that you’re willing to throw away what we had. Just don’t. I don’t need to hear any more, Thad. You said what you needed to say and now you can leave.”
“I don’t want to leave like this.” He takes a step toward me and I instinctively take a step back.
“Well too bad. I don’t want you to leave at all, but hey, I guess we can’t always get what we want.”
“Please,” he tries again but the wall is already up. I feel myself shutting down and if he says one more word I’m likely to lose my mind.
“Just leave,” I push out calmly.
“I’m not leaving like this.”
“I said leave!” I scream, pointing toward the door.
He stands completely motionless for what feels like forever; his intense eyes locked on me, his expression conflicted. He opens his mouth like he’s going to say something but must think better of it because his mouth closes. He nods once before taking off toward the door.
I spin, watching him cross the room, my heart breaking a little more with each step he takes.
“I meant what I said, Lake. I really do love you.” It’s the last words that leave his mouth before he pulls open the door and steps out into the hall.
I manage to hold myself together long enough for the door to latch closed before I completely fall apart.
Chapter Twenty-nine
“I’m so sorry, Lake.” Whit runs her hand along my back.
She’s been lying in bed next to me for the better part of an hour after telling me that Thad and Chris left. Apparently they decided not to stay which somehow hurt even more. Knowing they were going to be here for the night there was a chance I could see him one more time. Try to change his mind. Not that I could have. But having that ripped away only further drove the dagger into my heart.
She’s let me scream, cry, get angry, and then cry some more. To this point she’s let me say what I need to without a word but I have a feeling that’s about to change.
“I know you’re really upset right now.” Her words cause me to lift my face from where it’s buried in the pillow and peer to the side. “But in a way what he did was brave. He’s trying to spare you from a life he knows you’d be unhappy in.”
“Please don’t tel
l me you’re on his side now.” I roll to my back before sitting up against the headboard, hugging my knees to my chest.
“I’m on your side. Always.” She gives me a gentle smile as she shifts and turns so that we’re facing each other. “All I know is that the man that came down to the bar an hour ago was not a man who was unaffected by this. One look at him and it was clear to see he was devastated. I know I don’t know him and we only just met today, but I knew the instant I saw him look at you I knew he loved you. There was just something about the way his eyes locked on you. The way everyone else seemed to fade into the background. I’ve never had anyone look at me like that.”
“And yet look at where it’s gotten me.”
“I know this is still fresh but I think once you take the time to really think about it – once the anger and sadness fades – I think you’ll see that maybe he was right.” She pauses, waiting for me to speak. When I don’t, she continues, “You are the most talented, driven person I’ve ever met. Take a look around, Lake. It’s all finally happening for you. The girl I met four years ago wouldn’t have let anyone stop her from achieving her dreams, especially not some guy.”
“But he isn’t just some guy,” I argue, fresh tears brewing behind my eyes.
“I know you feel that way now but give it time. Another man will come along. Someone more suited for the life you’ve chosen. Someone who can handle the lights and the noise of L.A. and this crazy world we choose to be a part of. Thad isn’t equipped to deal with all this. An addiction like that will follow him for the rest of his life. Do you really think, knowing what you know about this industry and this lifestyle, that he would be able to resist the temptation? It would be like throwing a starving lion into a pen full of sheep and expecting it not to eat.”
“I never thought of it that way,” I admit, having not once considered this.
“That’s why I’m here.” She pats my leg. “To see the stuff you’re too hurt to see.”
“I don’t know how he did it. How he made me fall so completely for him in only a few short weeks.”
“Because sometimes it’s instant and we have no control over it. That’s how love works.” She shrugs.
“Love sucks.” I huff.
“Yes, honey, it really does. But life, life is beautiful and when you find the right man to love, it won’t suck so much anymore.”
“When did you become so well versed in love?” I cock a brow at her.
“I’ve been through enough breakups to know that eventually the pain will heal and what you’re left with will be memories to carry with you forever. Things you will learn and grow from. I feel like those experiences have made me more ready for when my dream man comes along.”
“Speaking of dream men, you and my brother seemed awfully chummy.” I turn the attention to her, desperate to talk about something else for at least a little while.
“What can I say? When you know, you know.” She gives me a brilliant smile as my eyes go wide.
“Shut up.” I smack playfully at her.
“I’m messing.” She giggles. “But for real, he is smoking hot. How in the hell do you have a brother that hot and you never told me?”
“Because hot and brother do not go together in my vocabulary.”
“Well they should because that man is fine.” She fans herself dramatically.
“What exactly happened while you two were alone?” I question.
“Come on now. I may be easy but I’m not that easy,” she jokes. “We just talked and laughed... A lot.”
“And?”
“And before he left with Thad we may have exchanged numbers.” She bites her bottom lip to suppress her smile.
“Oh my god.” I drop my face into my hands and shake my head, raising it back up just in time for her to see the smile on my face.
I don’t feel any less horrible about my current situation but even I have to admit it feels good seeing my best friend look so happy.
“I call dibs on maid of honor when you two get married,” I tell her teasingly.
“Think you might be getting a little ahead of yourself there.” She chuckles. “But in all seriousness, I’m interested in seeing if there might be something there but only if you’re good with it.”
“Um, duh! I’d love you for my brother.”
“It might end up being nothing but I am certainly attracted to him. And what I saw today, I really liked.”
“I’m sure he feels the same. I mean, how could he not? Look at you.” I gesture toward her.
“Shut up.” She shakes her head. “What do you say we go down to the bar and order the biggest margaritas they have?”
“And a plate of cheesy fries?” I pout out my lower lip.
“And a plate of cheesy fries.” She rolls her eyes, pushing off the bed before extending her hand to me. “But first you need to go touch up. Raccoon eyes doesn’t even begin to cover what you got going on right now.” She helps me up and then circles her finger in front of my face.
“Probably not the worst idea,” I admit, guessing I probably look pretty rough at the current moment.
Chapter Thirty
THREE MONTHS LATER
“I can’t believe season one is finished. It seems like we just started filming,” I tell Glenn, having joined him for coffee following our final scene of shooting for the first season of Blood Lust.
“It really does. But hey, at least we got picked up for a minimum of two more seasons. I don’t know about you, but I think this is one of the best cast and crew I’ve ever worked with.” He lifts his cup to his lips and takes a tentative drink of the steaming liquid.
Glenn plays a werewolf on the show. His character is one of Rose’s best friends so we shoot a lot of scenes together. As such we’ve become pretty good friends in real life as well. He’s incredibly good looking and probably one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. If it weren’t for his sexual preference he would totally be someone I would go for. Well that, and if I wasn’t still hung up on a guy I haven’t spoken to in exactly eighty-three days, not that I’m counting or anything.
“I agree.” I lean back in my chair, both of my hands cupped around a warm cinnamon latte. “I honestly can’t wait to start filming the next season. If they’d let me I’d start tomorrow.”
“Not me.” Glenn shakes his head in disagreement. “I’m looking forward to a few weeks off. Besides, the holidays are coming up and it will be nice not to have to try to balance work with everything else.”
“Yeah I guess.” I shrug, having not given much thought to the holidays even though Thanksgiving is only a couple of weeks away. I’ve been so preoccupied with filming and the first four episodes of Blood Lust airing that everything else has kind of been pushed to the background.
“You have any plans? I assume you’ll be heading home.”
“I actually haven’t thought that far ahead to be honest. I think my room is paid through the end of the month so maybe I’ll stay here.” I take a drink of my latte before setting the cup on the small round table between us.
“Is there a reason why you’d rather stay here alone than go home?” He cocks a perfectly shaped eyebrow at me.
“No.” I shake my head. “Yes.” I let out a slow breath. “I don’t know.”
“This wouldn’t have anything to do with that bad boy of yours, would it?” he asks.
Given that Whit finished filming her scenes and left two weeks after Thad’s visit, Glenn became my go to when I needed to drink cheap liquor and feel sorry for myself. Hence why he now knows every detail to the whole Thad fiasco.
“He’s not a bad boy.”
“Call him what you will, but based on what you’ve told me bad boy is the perfect way to describe him.”
“Whatever,” I brush him off. “It doesn’t matter anyway because he’s not at the ranch anymore so why would that stop me from going home?”
“Maybe because you think it will bring up too many painful memories.”
“Maybe.” I
let out a slow exhale. “Well, it’s my home, and considering my parents will never leave there, I can’t avoid it forever.”
“Which is exactly why you need to go home. Better to jump in head first and get it over with. You have to submerge yourself back into your normal life sooner or later.”
“Nothing about my life is normal anymore,” I point out.
“Okay, good point. But you know what I mean. You have to find a way to balance who you are now with who you once were. I know you’re still hung up on this guy but you shouldn’t be. You’ve got so many options. It’s time to move on and the best way to do that is to go home and put the ghost to rest once and for all.”
“I love you, you know that,” I say, not able to really put into words what a blessing he has been to my life over the last three months.
“Duh.” He grins widely, his identical dimples making a full appearance.
“By the way, I’ve been meaning to tell you, you need a haircut,” I tease, pointing at the way his dark hair curls around his ears.
“Funny,” he deadpans.
I stick my tongue out at him playfully knowing if there’s one thing he takes seriously it’s his hair. I give him crap about it all the time because he has to keep it longer and kind of wild for his character and it drives him nuts.
“Now stop trying to change the subject. Home. You’re going. End of story.”
“Fine,” I groan, rolling my eyes. “I’ll go home. You happy now?”
“Yes. Because if you stay I’ll feel obligated to stay and while I love North Carolina, I’m ready to get the hell up out of here for a few weeks.”
“You staying with your parents?”
“My brother. He just moved to a two bedroom in Brooklyn and I absolutely love New York this time of year.”
“You sure you two won’t kill each other?” I chuckle. From what Glenn has told me the two don’t always see eye to eye which has led to some pretty dramatic blow outs over the years.
Force of Nature Page 19
