Force of Nature

by Melissa Toppen

  “Nah. I won’t be there long enough. Our fights usually stem from long periods of time together. A few weeks is nothing.”

  “That sucks that you guys fight like that.”

  “Yeah, well, we can’t all have the perfect siblings.” He gives me a pointed look.

  “My siblings are far from perfect.”

  “And yet when you talk about any of them your face lights up like a kid on Christmas morning.”

  “I think it’s because I’m the only girl. If I were a guy it probably wouldn’t be that way at all. In fact, they all fight with each other. Especially Brad and Chris when we were younger.”

  “Spoiled little princess. You really have led such a charmed life.”

  “How do you figure?” I crinkle my nose at him.

  “Gorgeous. Talented. Head Cheerleader. High school drama star. Dated the most popular boy in school. Five brothers and parents who all adore you. Need I go on?”

  “I’m not disputing that I’ve been blessed, but I am far from a princess,” I say, remembering how Thad used to call me that sometimes. “Besides, most of that was years ago. I’m not even close to that person anymore.”

  “You’re still a princess,” he teases, pushing his empty cup to the edge of the table. “You about ready to get out of here? I’ve got to get back to the hotel and pack. My flight leaves tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn.”

  “Yeah.” I take one more drink of my latte before standing. “I guess I should call my mom and let her know I’ll be coming home in a couple of days.” I blow out a hard breath.

  “This will be good, you’ll see.” Glenn drops an arm over my shoulders as he leads me out of the small coffee shop and into the cool afternoon breeze.

  “I know,” I admit. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not dreading it.”

  “I get that. But I think you’re thinking it’s gonna be worse than it is. I’m not saying it won’t drudge up some old feelings, but you’ve got way more memories there without him than with him. Give it a day or two and it will be like he was never there at all.”

  “You’re probably right,” I agree, knowing I’m likely just psyching myself out for no reason at all.

  “I’m always right.” He knocks his hip playfully against mine.

  “Now I wouldn’t go that far.” I laugh, realizing how much I’m going to miss my wildly entertaining friend over our break.

  —-

  “I didn’t know you were back,” Brad says, spotting me at the kitchen table the moment he enters the house.

  “Yeah. I got in last night.” I roll the spoon around my half eaten bowl of cereal.

  “Did Mom know you were coming? I’m surprised she didn’t plan a big dinner and force everyone to come.” He grins, crossing the room toward the coffee pot.

  “I think that’s probably coming. I purposely didn’t tell her exactly what day I would be here,” I admit, watching Brad’s shoulders shake as he chuckles.

  “Smart girl.” He fills his travel mug with coffee before turning around. Pressing his back to the counter, he twists on the lid before his gaze comes up to me. “How long are you here for?”

  “Until after the New Year. I’ll probably head to L.A. for a couple of days to see Whit, but other than that y’all are stuck with me.” I smile. “How’s Miranda and Devon?” I ask, having spoken to Brad and the twins the least since I’ve been in North Carolina filming.

  “Doing really well. Devon is chattering up a storm. Most of it makes little sense but his vocabulary is really expanding.”

  “Aww, I’ll have to stop over and see him later today if that’s okay.”

  “Of course. I’m sure Miranda would love to see you.” He pushes away from the counter. “Well, I should get back out there. Glad you’re home, sis.” He stops directly next to my chair, dropping a quick kiss to the top of my head before disappearing outside without another word.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  The first couple days home aren’t as bad as I thought they might be. No one mentions Thad, though I’m not sure if that’s because of me or simply because there hasn’t been a reason to bring him up.

  According to Chris, everyone knows we were an item though he never confirmed exactly how they found out. My guess is my mom. I saw the way she was always watching me and Thad.

  As Brad predicted, I was only home a day before she forced the entire family to sit down for a huge dinner in celebration of my return. I tried to tell her not to go through the trouble considering we have to do it again next week for Thanksgiving but she was having none of it.

  I have to admit, having us all together again was pretty amazing. And while I missed looking across the table and seeing Thad there, it didn’t completely spoil it either. I laughed at my brothers, shared pie with my dad, and helped my mom with dishes afterward. All of which felt good to do.

  It’s funny, every time something happens I feel the need to hide from my family when they are the only people in the entire world that makes me feel like me.

  “Thinking of taking her out for a ride?” I’m standing in front of Cocoa’s stall when my father walks up behind me.

  “That depends, you interested in coming with me?” I ask, having not been on a ride with my father since I was a teenager.

  He looks down at the toolbox in his hand and back to me.

  “Why not?” He shrugs, setting the metal box off to the side.

  “Really?” I question, knowing how rare it is for my father to walk away from work that needs done to do anything of leisure.

  “Yeah.” He grins, clearly seeing my surprise. “Why don’t you get her saddled up?” He points to my horse. “I’ll go get Sheldon from the field. He hasn’t been taken on a ride in quite some time.”

  Just like that, the mention of Thad’s horse brings back the hollow feeling in my chest that I get anytime I think of him. Determined not to let it deflate my good mood, I force a smile and nod, leading Cocoa from her stall.

  Less than twenty minutes later, my father and I are riding side by side through the open field. The temperature is unseasonably warm making for a beautiful November day. It won’t be long before winter is upon us and it will be too cold to take rides like these.

  We talk about Blood Lust, about what my father and brothers have been working on to winterize the ranch, about the new horse my dad is thinking about buying in the spring.

  Time seems to slip away and before I know it we’ve ridden all the way out to one of my favorite spots on the ranch; a drop off that gives the most perfect view of the mountains in the distance.

  Enjoying the incredible view, the sun on my face, the freedom I feel being all the way out here, when my father broaches a subject I never saw coming.

  “Did you know that I left the ranch once?” he says, pulling my gaze to where he’s sitting on top of Sheldon next to me.

  “What?” I question.

  “When I was twenty-one.” He nods. “I got it into my head that I was more than just a third generation rancher. I wanted to get out and see the world. My father was furious but what could he do? I was an adult and if I wanted to leave he couldn’t stop me.”

  “How long were you gone?”

  “About a year. Just long enough to get mixed in with the wrong crowd. I drank too much, did a lot of things I’m not proud of. It was right around that time that I met your mother.”

  “I thought you and mom met at the market,” I say, cocking a brow at my father.

  “We may have dressed the story up a little for you kids.” He winks. “Truth is we met at a bar. It wasn’t your mother’s scene. She was so pure and innocent. The most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She grew up in the next town over and was there with a couple of her friends. I swear one look at her and I knew instantly the kind of man I wanted to be. A man worthy of her love.” He smiles at the memory. “We spent the whole night talking and by the end of it I was a goner. I went back to my friend’s house that I’d been staying at, packed all my stuff, and moved back her
e the next morning.”

  “Wow.” I smile, trying to envision the younger version of my father.

  “I guess when you know you know.” He shrugs.

  “I guess so.” I turn my gaze back out to the mountains, my mind instantly going to Thad.

  “The reason I’m telling you this is because I want you to understand something. We’re not always the people we start out as. Sometimes it takes meeting the right person to push us toward who we were always meant to be.”

  I glance toward my father. My broad shouldered, worn hands, hard working as they come Dad. The man who gave me life. Who kissed my boo boos and made everything better. Who held my hand the first day of kindergarten. Who taught me how to ride a horse. I look at him, looking at me, and in that moment I know what he’s trying to say before he even says it.

  “Dad,” I start, but he cuts me off before I can say more.

  “There’s a reason I agreed to help Thad. In a way he reminded me a little bit of myself when I was younger. When he first came here he was so withdrawn. He barely spoke. Hardly came out of his room when he wasn’t working. He kept to himself and that was fine by me. He worked hard and stayed clean and that was all I asked of him. But then you came home,” he pauses. “I watched you two together. Saw the way he looked at you. The way he came to life before my very eyes. I don’t know what happened between you two, but whatever it is I hope you understand that he is not his addiction. Thad is a good man who deserves the chance to prove that he’s more.”

  “Maybe someone should tell him that.” I frown, realizing that all this time my father was assuming it was me who ended things. “I wanted more. I practically begged him for more but he said he couldn’t see a future with me.”

  “When did he tell you this?”

  “When he came to North Carolina. It was shortly after he moved out.”

  “Laken.”

  “It’s okay, Dad. Really. I just want to move past it. Focus on my career. He made his choice and that’s that.”

  “Sometimes we have to fight for the things we want, honey.”

  “I’m not going to fight for someone who’s made it perfectly clear they have no desire to fight for me.”

  “For what it’s worth, I truly believe that he loves you. Maybe he’s scared. Maybe he’s not quite ready to forgive himself for everything he’s done. Whatever it is, I’m sure he’ll eventually realize his mistake.”

  “Well, I’m certainly not going to wait around until he does.” I cluck my tongue to the roof of my mouth and guide Cocoa around. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, Dad. I really do. But he made it clear where he stood and I’ve made my peace with that,” I say, knowing I’m not anywhere close to finding peace.

  “Okay.” He nods once before turning Sheldon around and lining him up next to Cocoa. “What do you say we head back and I take you to town for ice cream?”

  “Ice cream?” I question.

  “Why not? We used to always go get ice cream together.”

  “Yeah, when I was like ten.”

  “And.” He grins, the action reaching his eyes. “You’ll always be my baby girl. No matter how old you get.”

  “Fine.” I huff playfully. “But only because I’ve been dying for a mint chocolate chip milkshake for weeks.” I smile before squeezing my legs together, causing my horse to move forward. “Race ya to the house,” I call over my shoulder seconds before Cocoa takes off in a full blown run, leaving my father and Sheldon literally eating our dust.

  —-

  “So I heard Dad talked to you.” Chris steps up on the front porch and slides down onto the porch swing next to me.

  “About? You need to be more specific than that.”

  “Thad.” He gives me a knowing look.

  “Dear lord, can no one in this family keep things to themselves?” I whine, throwing my hands in the air dramatically.

  “Relax, he didn’t say anything to us. I overheard him talking to Mom.”

  “And what exactly did you hear?”

  “Not much really.” He shrugs. “I think he’s worried about you.”

  “Why would he be worried about me?” I question, honestly a bit confused.

  “Because he can see what everyone else can, Lake. You haven’t been yourself since you got here. What’s going on?” He nudges his shoulder with mine.

  “Like you have to ask,” I grind out, crossing my arms over my chest as I lean back against the swing.

  “He loves you. You know that, right?”

  “If I have to listen to one more person tell me he loves me I think I’m going to lose my freaking mind,” I all but scream out in frustration. “If he loved me so damn much he would be here.”

  “I’m on your side here, Lake. You know that, right?” He waits a beat and then continues, “I’m not condoning what he did or how he hurt you, but I don’t think you understand the full scale of how hard that was for him. You should have seen him on the ride home after we came to see you. I’ve never seen a person like that. It was like he was severely ill even though there wasn’t anything physically wrong with him.”

  “Are you trying to make me feel even worse?” I bite. “Why won’t anyone just let this be already?”

  “Because you’re unhappy.”

  “And? I’ll get over it eventually.”

  “That’s just it. I don’t know if you will. I’ve never seen you like this over a guy. Whit says she can’t even bring him up without you melting down.”

  “Oh, so now you and my best friend are discussing my love life? Great.”

  “It’s not like that and you know it. We talk a couple times a week, and yes, I ask about you, but only because we hardly ever hear from you.”

  “I’ve been really busy.”

  “And I get that. But you’re not on set twenty-four seven. The truth of the matter is, you associate us and the ranch with Thad and because he hurt you, you’ve distanced yourself from all of us.”

  “I have not,” I argue.

  “Yes you have, sis. And you know I’m right.” He lets out a slow breath. “I’ve tried talking some sense into Thad. I’ve tried reasoning with him. But he’s more stubborn than you are, if that’s possible. So since he’s pretty much shut me down, I’m going to try to reason with you instead.” He waits to make sure I’m not going to object before continuing, “Thad loves you Laken and you love him. He’s got a bit of a checkered past, yes, but it’s nothing that should prevent the two of you from working this out. It’s clear you’re both miserable and honestly, I’m sick of watching you two suffer needlessly.”

  “Let me stop you right there, big brother.” I hold up my finger. “Thad ended things, not me.”

  “I realize this. But I also know he did because he thought it was what was right by you. He’s convinced himself that he doesn’t deserve you and it’s up to you to prove him wrong.”

  “And how exactly am I supposed to do that? You think I didn’t already try?”

  “Go to him. Go to him and tell him that you still want to be with him.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you do.”

  “I’m going to say this only once, Chris, and then I won’t have this conversation again. If Thad wants to be with me, he needs to be the one to take the first step. I will not chase after a man who’s made it clear we’re done. Now–” I stand abruptly and head toward the front door. “If you’ll excuse me I have better things to do than beat a dead horse.” With that I walk inside, allowing the screen door to slam shut loudly behind me.

  Chapter Thirty-two

  The next few weeks pass with little incident. No one brings up Thad again, and honestly, I’m thankful for the reprieve.

  Thanksgiving was as big as it is every year and as Christmas approaches it promises to be even bigger. Some of my mom’s family is coming in from out of town and my dad’s two sisters and their combined three adult children will be staying the entire week of Christmas. My Great Aunt Sue is already here with the majorit
y of everyone else arriving tomorrow and Saturday.

  Because our guests will take over most of the bedrooms in the house, the twins are rooming with Chris and I volunteered to bunk in the camper for the week. Though I’m still not entirely sure why I did it. Maybe I really am a glutton for punishment.

  With my duffel bag on my shoulder, I take a deep breath before climbing the metal stairs and pushing my way inside. I expect to feel something, anything, but as I look around the old camper, I feel nothing at all. The place is void of what little Thad had brought with him.

  It’s clear my mother must have been in here at some point over the last couple of days because it smells like cleaning products and freshly cleaned laundry.

  I drop my duffel on the floor and immediately crawl into bed, hoping by some miracle that Thad’s scent is still here somewhere. Burying my face into one of the pillows, I inhale deeply. Disappointment settles in my stomach when I find no trace of him anywhere.

  I don’t think I realized until this very moment how desperate I’ve been to feel close to him again. How much I miss his smell and his voice and the way his crisp blue eyes used to hold me captive.

  It was easy to lose myself in my work when I was on set. I pushed most of my feelings down and buried them as deep as I could. Sure, every now and again I’d have a bad day where I’d think about him too much, where it would hurt just a little too much, but for the most part I carried on with my life like he’d never even been a part of it.

  But here, here it’s hard to pretend. Here it’s hard to ignore. I tell myself I’m over Thad. I tell everyone I’m fine, that I’m over it. When in truth I don’t think I have even really dealt with it.

  I had my heart broken for the first time in my life and instead of processing it, I buried myself in my work and now nearly four months later it’s still clawing inside of me, refusing to be ignored.

  The door of the camper opens and slams shut almost immediately. Pushing up in bed, I turn, expecting to see one of my brothers or possibly my mom, but instead my entire world tilts.