by Jeannie Watt
“Would it be so horrible to hook up with me?” Because she was there. In his arms. In his bed. Which told him that she didn’t find him repulsive.
“I’m not ready for a committed relationship.” She whispered the words against his bare chest and he felt her squeeze her eyes shut, as if the admission hurt.
“What would make you ready?”
He hoped that she would say, “Time.” Didn’t happen. She drew in a breath and said, “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.” He felt her hand, which was trapped between them, close into a fist. “I’m afraid of wanting...and I’m afraid of losing.”
“Losing what?” He threaded his fingers through her hair, letting the silky strands slide over his palm.
“You. Me.”
His fingers stilled for a moment. “That doesn’t make a lot of sense.”
“I’ll screw it up if I dive in now. Just as I screwed up pretty much everything since Len died.” She pulled away again, looking him in the eye as she said, “Trust me...it’s best for both of us. You’ll get your mojo back—”
“It’s already back.”
“And I’ll take my life back.”
Jess let out a sigh of his own. “Yet you’re here in my bed.” Right where he’d wanted her to be for the past weeks.
“Only to say goodbye.”
He pulled her closer, settling his cheek against the top of her head, and wished that she wasn’t in a position to be so utterly aware of her effect on him.
She released a shaky breath, her body going stiff as she said, “I was thinking of goodbye in a nonverbal sense.”
Her meaning crashed into him. She wanted to sleep with him. Wanted to make love before leaving, thus stretching his resolve close to the breaking point. He dug deep for the strength he needed. “You’ll regret it, Em.”
Her eyes were wide and earnest as she said, “I won’t. I want...something.”
“But not everything.”
“I can’t risk losing you, Jess, and I’m afraid that’ll happen if I commit before I’m ready.”
Because that was what had happened with Darion. Jess closed his eyes, willed himself to stay strong. Em had issues to work out. And the only way he could help was to be there for her...but not in the way she was asking for tonight. He couldn’t handle making love to her and then having her leave.
“You can stay with me tonight, but I’m not making love to you. Not the way things are right now.”
She let out a soft breath against his chest. “You’re sure.”
No, he wasn’t. But this was Em. He smoothed his hand over her back, glad that she was wearing her T-shirt and sweatpants, because if they were skin to skin, he may not have had the willpower to say, “Yes, Emma. I’m sure. Do you still want to stay?”
She nodded against his chest. “Just for a bit. Then I’ll go.”
Jess eventually dozed off and when he woke, his bunk was empty. Emma had slipped away. He lay wide-awake until the sky lightened and then he got up, dressed and went to find Em.
She was sitting in the front seat of the truck, staring straight ahead. He opened the door and for a silent moment they faced off. When she turned to face him, her face was pale and there were shadows under her beautiful eyes. Why had it taken him so damned long to see just how beautiful she was? Inside. Outside. Why hadn’t he come to her after Len passed? Then he could have helped her through the rough times.
“Wylie will be here soon.”
“He must have gotten an early start.”
“He was in Livingston already.”
“Handy.”
She shrugged. “Jess...”
“We’ll talk later.” He wasn’t going to let her slip completely out of his life without a word or two being exchanged, but this wasn’t the time. Her head came up and he followed her gaze, spotting a familiar Dodge Power Wagon pulling off the highway.
He turned back to Emma, who was now looking at him instead of her brother’s truck. She pressed her lips together, doing her best to mask the emotions he could read so easily. She was protecting herself, and until she no longer felt the need to do that, there wasn’t much he could do. So he’d say goodbye, finish his season.
But he wouldn’t stop thinking about her.
Wylie pulled into the lot too fast and roared up close to them. Jess reached out to slide his hand behind Emma’s neck, cupping the back of her head as he lowered his head to give her a last kiss goodbye.
“I didn’t mean to fall in love with you.”
Her eyes went wide and her lips parted just as Wylie leaped out of the truck, slamming the door behind him. He gave her another quick kiss, noted that her lips clung to his just a little too long, then stepped back.
“Hey, Wylie.” He lifted his hand to Emma’s brother, then, because he really didn’t feel like shooting the breeze, turned and headed off toward the tiny café across the street from the rodeo grounds.
He wasn’t hungry in the least, but he was not going to watch her drive away.
Chapter Fourteen
Wylie kept giving Emma strange sideways looks as they headed back home. At first Emma ignored them, but then, because he showed no signs of relenting, she said, “We’re not involved.”
“Yeah. It sure came off that way.” He gave her another look, which came off as both accusatory and protective. That was all she needed—Wylie in protect-o mode.
Emma tightened her jaw. “All right. We’re totally involved. That’s why I called you in the middle of the night and asked for a ride home. Because I want to escape the guy I’m involved with.”
“Mom thinks you’re going off the deep end.”
“No doubt. So maybe you could do me a favor and not give her any more ammunition.”
“Like I would.”
Emma rolled her eyes. He wouldn’t—until Selma sat him down for a good grilling. Then he’d spill in order to escape. Wylie was the baby of the family. Eighteen and the only one still living at home, meaning the only kid that Selma got to manage full-time.
They fell into silence and Emma stared out at the passing scenery, feeling strangely empty. Numb. Which was crazy because she and Jess hadn’t even done anything. She’d offered herself up and Jess had refused.
How was she supposed to take that?
Maybe he wasn’t a one-night-stand kind of guy... Although she knew better because she’d heard girls talking about the Hayward twins. Mostly Ty, but Jess’s name had come up.
What would it have been like sleeping with him? Probably better than anything she’d ever experienced before in that realm.
And she’d walked away from the guy.
What choice had she had? She wasn’t ready for a relationship. Wasn’t ready to feel pinned down. She was too young to be pinned down. Wasn’t that why she’d broken up with Darion? Because she’d wanted excitement in her life.
Emma pressed her forehead to the window. None of her justifications were ringing true, except for not being ready for a relationship. She wasn’t ready to take the risk, face the consequences of things going wrong.
“Some stuff happened while you were gone.”
“Yeah?”
“Archer started dating Wendy Tarrington.”
“Oooh.” Emma grimaced. “How did Selma take that?”
“About the way you’d expect. Dad tried to tell her that Archer wasn’t that serious. And he wasn’t. I don’t think...”
That was something, for her dad to take a stand of sorts. She imagined that he got about halfway through his sentence before Selma took over. But in this case, Selma was right. Wendy had a scorched earth policy with men. She got everything she could out of them and then moved on. Knowing Archer, he probably thought he was in control of the relationship.
“What happened?”
&
nbsp; “Exactly what Selma told Arch would happen. Wendy drained his bank account and moved on.”
“How’s Arch?”
Wylie smiled with grim humor. “Older. Wiser. Broke.”
“Good lesson to learn young.”
“Yeah. If I date anyone Mom doesn’t like, I’m going to keep it a secret.”
A sputtering laugh burst from Emma’s lips and Wylie smiled back. It was silly to think that any kind of a secret could be kept from their mom.
“She means well,” Wylie said.
She did. But meaning well didn’t mean she was right about everything.
“Her protective gene is strong,” Emma said tactfully. And had gotten worse since Len had died.
“How about DJ? Still hitting the books?”
Her middle brother had tried to drop out of college after his first year, only to run into a roadblock named Selma.
“Finished his summer courses last week.”
“Imagine that.” Emma smiled. It was kind of fun watching her brothers fight for autonomy. It made her feel less alone against Selma.
As they approached Gavin, Wylie shot her yet another look, only this one was edged with concern and something that looked strikingly like empathy. “Do you want me to drop you off at Howard’s motel?”
Emma shook her head. “I’m done hiding.”
“Are you going to the ranch?”
“I didn’t say I was walking into the lion’s den. I’m just not going to run.” She lifted her chin. “Skye is letting me live in the trailer on her place until I get another apartment.” Which hopefully wouldn’t take long, because Skye was married to Jess’s twin. The only reason she’d agreed to the arrangement, which her boss had put forth when Em had called to see about being put back onto the work schedule at the café the previous evening, was because Ty was on the road and Skye hoped to join him. She could watch the place for a week or two while she found somewhere to live.
“Okay. The Larkin Ranch. If Mom asks—”
“When she asks, tell her where I’m living and tell her that I’ll call and set up a time when we can talk. And tell her that she’s not to contact me before I contact her.”
Wylie frowned at her. “You’re sure about that?” he asked dubiously.
“Very.” Until she got a grip on all the stuff in her life that was driving her crazy, she’d never truly have control of anything.
“What about Dad?”
“I’ll call his cell. Let him know I got back in one piece.” Even though she really hadn’t.
* * *
AFTER EM LEFT with her brother, Jess had driven to his next rodeo on autopilot, barely aware of the passing miles as he debated about how to deal with a situation he didn’t know how to fix.
One that he suspected couldn’t be fixed.
Not now anyway. Emma had faced too much loss in too short of a time and wasn’t going to risk more. She’d been willing to sleep with him to say goodbye, but Jess wasn’t going to do that to himself. He needed more than a goodbye romp and Emma couldn’t handle more. Which left them at an impasse. Emma afraid to risk losing more than she’d already lost, and Jess wanting more than she could give.
He couldn’t do anything right now. He had to wait until she was ready.
And when might that be?
Hell, he didn’t know. But it wasn’t now. If he pushed, he’d lose her.
You’ve already lost her.
Jess shifted his weight behind the steering wheel, trying to find a comfortable spot. His knee ached, his shoulder throbbed. He barely noticed as he sorted through the charred remains of his doomed road trip—a trip that was supposed to give Emma breathing room, but had, instead, complicated both of their lives.
He kept replaying their last encounter. Maybe he should have said goodbye in the way she’d wanted. Maybe if he had, things would be different now...
No. They wouldn’t.
His gut knotted. How in the world was he supposed to fix this?
By the time he reached the rodeo grounds, he was beyond tense. He checked into his event, prepped his rope, stretched taut muscles. Then he got onto his bull as if riding the beast was a routine chore he needed to complete before closing shop for the day. The bull did his best, but Jess did better, scoring a ninety.
The win felt excellent, but not nearly as good as it would have felt if Em had been there to tell him that LeClair had really won.
* * *
TWO DAYS AFTER she returned from her road trip, Emma’s father drove his rattletrap old truck into Larkin Ranch and parked it beside the trailer she now called home. Emma dropped the curtain she’d pulled aside when she’d heard the familiar chug of the old diesel engine and hurried to the door. What the heck?
She’d called her dad not long after Wylie had dropped her off, assured him that she was back for good and told him that she’d see him at the ranch in a week or two. Davis Sullivan, being a man of few words, had simply said, “Looking forward to it.” He hadn’t said anything about meeting up with her and it was so out of character that Emma’s heart started beating faster as he got out of the truck. Had something happened at home? Were the boys all right? Selma? She hated to think of how adrift her dad would be without his strong-willed wife.
“Hey,” he said simply, an easy smile on his face.
Okay. No emergency. Emma held the door open and smiled back. “Come on in. See my new digs.”
He walked past her into the trailer that Jess’s brother had once called home. Stopped and looked around. “Not as nice as your bedroom on the ranch, but it’ll do.”
“Want some coffee?” She waved her dad to the table. He nodded before sitting. Emma found an extra cup and poured, topping off her own cup before sitting on the opposite side of the small table.
“Is everything all right?”
“That’s what I came to find out.”
Emma gave him a perplexed look. “I’m fine.”
“Just wanted to make sure.” He lifted his cup and took a drink. “Selma’s convinced that you aren’t.”
“I am. I needed to get away.”
“I’d say that’s pretty obvious, Em. Everything go all right on the road?”
Emma tipped her chin as she regarded her father. How much did he know? What had Wylie said? The last thing she wanted was for Dad to be worried about her. “Actually...yes. I learned a few things. I’m glad I went.”
Sometimes. At other times, she felt positively bruised by the experience. She hadn’t lost Jess’s friendship, but what good did that do her when she couldn’t handle being near him?
“Selma says you sent her a message via Wylie, that you’d set the time and place for the first meeting.”
Emma lifted her coffee cup and sipped casually, glad that he’d brushed by the subject of the road trip. “I don’t want to rehash old business before I’m ready. I want a week or two to settle in, then I’ll come to the ranch.”
“That sounds fair.”
Emma frowned over her cup. “Do you mean that?”
Davis gave a slow nod. “She’s pretty busy trying to iron out Archer’s life right now. We wouldn’t want to heap too much on an already full plate.”
For a moment, Emma stared at her dad, wondering if he had meant to make a joke. The gentle crinkling at the corners of his eyes told her, yes, he had. Wow.
“I know she means well.”
“She does.”
“Dad...” Emma chose her words carefully. “Do you think I’m old enough to live my own life?”
“I don’t know that any parent feels good letting go...especially after losing a child.”
Emma reached out and took hold of his wrist and squeezed. “I know.”
“Selma wants you settled. She wants all of you settled. Then she’ll fe
el like her job is done.”
“Really, Dad?”
Again, the corners of his eyes crinkled. “That’s what she thinks. Now.”
But they both knew better.
Emma cleared her throat before asking the hard question. “Why didn’t you stand up for me when Selma was harassing me to get back with Darion?” Her dad was a retiring guy, but still...
Davis glanced down at the table, his mouth flattening. “I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t realize the full extent of the situation. I was busy in the fields and...dealing with...stuff.”
His son’s death.
Emma was quiet for a moment. “I can understand that.”
He raised his eyes. “I’m feeling...better. Being alone made it easier to cope.”
“Like being with Darion made it easier for me to cope.”
“Which was another reason I think Selma couldn’t accept your breakup.”
“She made it sound as if it was all about the dress.”
“She’s still kind of hot about the dress,” he admitted. “But she’ll cool off. Eventually.”
“What else has been going on while I was gone?”
“Where to begin?” Her dad continued to drink his coffee as he filled her in on his new bull purchase and gave her a rundown of Archer’s misadventure with Wendy Tarrington. After finishing his coffee, he pushed his chair back.
“I’m on my way to the ranch supply store, so I’d better get going. I just wanted to see you.”
“I’m glad you did.” Emma walked with her dad to the door. “Does Selma know you were going to stop by?”
“No. But I’ll tell her you’re looking good.”
Emma nodded, running a hand up the edge of the door after she pulled it open. “I’ll be out to the ranch in a week or two.”
“I’ll make sure she doesn’t give you an unexpected visit before you’re ready.”
“You can do that?” The words came out before she considered the implications—she hadn’t meant to imply that he didn’t have a say in his relationship, even if that was the feeling she had. But her dad didn’t seem one bit insulted. Instead he gave her a slow smile.
