If Only

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If Only Page 17

by Yvonne Beattie


  Marty collapses heavily on top of me, but lolls to the side giving me just enough room to catch my breath.

  “How long do you have left in Aviemore?” he exhales.

  “Six more days,” I reply. “We leave on the first of January.”

  I crane my neck back and tightly close my eyes, trying desperately not to think about not being here with Marty any more.

  “We need to make the most of the next six days,” he says seriously, and I feel him move his hand from my breast and slide it down my stomach and between my legs making me squirm.

  “So sensitive,” he murmurs, and I groan trying to pull back.

  “We’ve not even started yet,” he looks at me with a devilish glint in his eye.

  I can’t help the grin that seems to have taken permanent residence on my face, and lay my head back on the pillow, squeezing my eyes shut and bracing myself for more.

  I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

  “Hello there, stranger,” Joel looks over the sofa at me as I raid the kitchen for food.

  “Ha, ha,” I give him a smug look as I open and close cupboard doors to no avail. “Why, oh, why didn’t you guys get any decent food at the supermarket?”

  “You saw Simon,” he replies without a care in the world. “There was no reasoning with him.”

  “Seriously,” I shake my head in annoyance. “Where are they anyway?”

  “Who?” Joel asks blankly.

  “Simon and Rebecca?” I ask lowering my tone by an octave. Who does he think I’m talking about?

  “Oh, they went to bed ages ago. Bex’s leg was sore, and I think Simon was horny and figured he might get his leg over if they had an ‘early night’,” he uses his fingers to highlight inverted commas.

  “Hey Joel,” Marty says as he walks into the kitchen looking relaxed with his crumpled clothes back on, but his hair some what messed up.

  I can’t help but smile up at him as he wraps his long arms around me again.

  “Alright, Marty, how are you doing?” Joel turns to Marty but doesn’t give him the chance to reply. “Silly question really, I know you’ve been doing Rachel for the last two and a half hours,” he wiggles his eyebrows and chuckles to himself.

  Marty laughs, and I cover my face with my hands. Some things just don’t need to be said out loud.

  “Hope we didn’t make too much noise,” Marty answers completely unembarrassed.

  “Nah, I turned the tele up,” Joel replies.

  “Good thinking, this one is insatiable,” Marty shrugs and pries my hands away from my face, grinning cheekily and kissing me quickly.

  “Stop, please!” I beg them, completely embarrassed.

  “It’s all good,” Marty says and grabs a couple of bananas, handing one to me and peeling one for himself. “Here, eat this, this’ll keep us going,” he says winking at me and turning to head back to the bedroom.

  Joel raises an amused eyebrow at me as he turns to watch Marty walking away. I stick my tongue out at him and catch up with Marty.

  Food shmood.

  Chapter 26

  Marty left early this morning for his shift on the mountain. I have no idea how he manages on such little sleep. We haven’t been able to keep our hands off each other all night. He definitely knows what he is doing. I slither down under the cosy duvet and hug myself. I feel like I’m floating on cloud nine. I always wondered what that might feel like, and I’m pretty much sure this is it. I love this holiday so much!

  I hear a commotion going on through the house, so I drag my lazy bum out of bed and head through to see what the scoop is.

  As I round the corner into the kitchen, I am met with Bex sitting at the kitchen counter, looking miserable, crying her eyes out. Simon is standing looking thoughtfully out of the sitting room window stroking his chin with his fingers, and Joel is standing in the kitchen looking agitated while running his fingers repeatedly through his hair.

  “What on earth is going on through here? Why does everything seem bent out of shape this morning when everything was so alright last night?” I look at them all in confusion and go over to Bex to see what’s up.

  “It’s more a case of who is bent,” Simon glances over from the window, and Bex sniffs loudly wiping her eyes.

  “I just told them,” Joel tells me, his eyes darting between the three of us awkwardly.

  “Told them what?” I look innocently at Joel.

  “That he’s queer,” Simon says nonchalantly.

  My breath freezes and I instantly snap back to Joel, “You did?” I ask him taken aback.

  He nods and gives me a reassuring look, but given what I’m looking at right now, I don’t feel very reassured.

  “Bex?” I don’t know what to say, I didn’t know what sort of reaction to expect, but I certainly did not expect this sort of reaction from either of them.

  She looks up at me and gives me a small smile through her tears.

  “I expected more from the two of you,” I tell them letting my anger surface and immediately retrace my steps back from Bex.

  “Hey, no, it’s ok,” Joel says slowing me down. “You’ve got the wrong end of the stick. She’s not upset about that.”

  I look from Joel to Bex, “What the hell are you talking about? Look at them…?”

  “They’re leaving,” Joel tells me.

  “What?” I place my hands shakily on my hips and pull back further still.

  “I’m sorry, Rach. I just feel like absolute shit. My leg hurts, I can’t sleep, I can’t walk, I can’t go anywhere because of the weather, I’m holding you all back. I just want to go home. Mum and dad are on their way up to pick up Simon and I,” she says sadly.

  I look at her unbelievably, “You’re leaving?”

  “Sorry…” she says again with a slight nod.

  I feel frozen to the spot I’m standing on. They can’t leave, I can’t leave, I don’t want to leave yet.

  “I’m staying,” Joel says but for some reason I’m finding it hard to digest all of this.

  “Is she ok?” Simon asks and I look over at him feeling confused.

  “I need to sit down,” I say suddenly feeling faint.

  “Rachel?” Joel says but I’ve closed my eyes.

  “I… I don’t feel so good,” I tell anyone that’s listening.

  “When did she last eat something?” I hear Bex’s voice and feel her hand on my back.

  “Here,” I feel someone pulling me to sit up and Simon gives me a biscuit and a steaming cup of coffee.

  I take a moment to chew the biscuit and sip the coffee slowly. I can almost hear the blood coursing through my veins.

  “I’m so sorry guys, I don’t know what came over me,” I say holding shakily onto the counter.

  “You ok?” Joel asks looking concerned, and I realise Simon has his arm protectively around me.

  “Yeah, I think so,” I take another sip of coffee and someone hands me another biscuit.

  “You two were at it like rabbits all night,” Simon says sounding somewhat jealous and I hear Bex scoff. “If you’re going to keep up with the big guns, you need to keep up your energy,” he says and I hear Bex and Joel chuckle.

  “It’s not that,” I say ignoring him. “What about Joel? Are you guys leaving because of him?”

  “Of course not!” Bex says straight away. “We’ve always known he’s gay!”

  “What? No you haven’t. If you have, why the hell have you been trying to set us up?” I look at her in denial.

  “Because he has never just come out and said it. I honestly wasn’t one hundred percent sure that he ever would, but I’m not at all surprised. I wondered if he was bi, to be honest, and I figured, if anyone was going to prove that, it was you. Gay or not, he adores you,” she shrugs.

  “He’s camper than Christmas,” Simon says pulling his arm away from me and grinning over at Joel who does a silly dance and bows at Simon.

  “I’ve no idea what that means,” Joel laughs. “You’re lucky
I love you guys.”

  “Are you guys having a laugh?” I look at them incredulously.

  “At my expense, yes, they are,” Joel says good humouredly.

  “We are just winding him up,” Bex smiles at me and turns to Joel. “You’re my brother, I don’t care whether you date boys or girls, just hang out with us more. We barely ever see you at home these days. I miss your ugly face, even though you drive me nuts.”

  “You’ll be seeing a hell of a lot more of this ugly mug now, sis,” he smiles looking extremely relieved.

  “He’s hardly ugly,” I add, sticking up for poor Joel.

  “For fu….” Simon starts, then stops, looks at Bex momentarily, then starts again, “For fruit sake, Rachel. Lighten up. We are just having a laugh, and Joel knows that. Get off your high horse.”

  I look at Simon, “Why aren’t you saying the ‘F’ word anyway?” It’s usually every second word of every sentence he delivers. Frankly, I’ve had and heard of enough fruit for one holiday.

  He looks sheepishly at Bex and she looks back at him expectantly.

  “It’s a bet,” he says pathetically.

  “A bet?” I ask. This is news to me.

  “Yes,” Bex answers me. “He asked me to move in with him before we came up here for Christmas, but he swears too much. I said I’d think about it, if he could go two weeks with no swearing at all,” she explains quite frankly.

  “Oh, I see,” I look at Simon again who is looking quite pleased with himself. “Well, you’ve already lost that bet then,” I say, dusting some crumbs carelessly off the counter.

  “What?” Both Bex and Simon say in unison.

  “You should’ve heard him throwing the F-bomb around the day you fell,” I fan myself. “The air turned blue up that mountain.”

  Joel bursts out laughing with a high-pitched screech he doesn’t seem able to control.

  “Is this true?” Bex turns to Simon immediately and asks him in her very straight-laced manner she keeps for when she means business.

  “No, well…” he scratches his head obviously thinking about what he needs to say next. “I…”

  Bex then starts laughing and reaches over to grab his hand and pull him back to her, “In this instance, I hope it is true,” she says.

  He seems to start breathing again and looks at her carefully, unsure where she is going with this.

  “If you hadn’t been swearing that day, it would have meant I mean nothing to you,” she says putting her hand over his heart.

  He keeps looking at her apparently still unsure of what to say next.

  “Of course I’m moving in with you, you fucking idiot,” she says pushing him lightly so he falters backwards slightly in surprise.

  “Really?” he says excitedly stepping back over to her and wrapping his arms around her.

  “Like the bet was ever going to make a difference,” she scoffs at him. “I started packing before we left,” she adds.

  “You did?” he asks eagerly.

  “Of course I did,” she prods him with her finger. “Do you think I was going to let you change your mind?” she says animatedly.

  “I love you, Bex,” Simon says to her in front of both Joel and I, and I’d be completely lying if I said it didn’t raise a lump in the back of my throat.

  “I love you too, Si,” she says trying to wrap her arms around his neck but unable to reach high enough.

  “Aww, you guys,” I fold my arms watching their sickening display of affection.

  “Looks like I’d better buy flowers for the house warming,” Joel says twirling the kitchen towel and then smacking it in the air as a distraction.

  “Better make that pansies, then,” Simon gives Joel a wicked smile.

  Joel picks up the kitchen towel and drapes it over Simon’s head, “Touché bro, you’d better be looking at ideas on how to cut Bex’s thumbs off… Oh wait, that’s right, you’re already stuck under her thumb,” he says, laughing as he walks away.

  “There ain’t no place I’d rather be,” Simon shouts after him, turning back to look at Bex and kissing her gently on the mouth.

  I swallow back a bit of vomit.

  Chapter 27

  The next few days of our holiday as a duo, seem to adopt an unplanned pattern that Joel and I fall easily into. The routine is easy, comfortable and most of all, it includes seeing Marty daily. I think I fall a little more for him each and every time I see him. He and Joel get along great and the three of us mesh really well without any awkwardness.

  Our daily routine includes breakfast at the chalet, skiing until lunchtime, lunch out either up the mountain or in town, feet up at the chalet for a while, then we meet at Maggie’s late afternoon for dinner with her and Marty, and sometimes Bill. I’ve taken to cooking for everyone, which I’ve really enjoyed.

  Maggie’s stories are the best, she knows so much and apparently has retained every day of her life like it just happened. I can barely remember what I ate for lunch yesterday, so I don’t know how she does it. She’s interesting and interested, and it’s truly been one of the best holidays I’ve ever had.

  Marty has been paroling the mountain all week but has been granted time off for New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, our last two days here. He’s been staying over at the chalet with me all week, much to my obvious delight, and I’m trying hard not to think about having to go home in a few days. We haven’t talked about it at all, it is sort of the big white elephant in the room, but neither one of us has dared to touch upon it.

  “I think if you look at most couples, they are on an even keel,” Joel says thoughtfully.

  Somehow we’ve gotten onto the subject of people dating and how they end up in couple-dome.

  “Yeah, I suppose,” I agree but am thinking about the couple I saw earlier on in the café. “Although, now that you say it, I was people watching earlier on when I was waiting for Joel to meet me for lunch, and there was this gorgeous looking bloke,” I pause to pat Marty on the knee. “You know what I mean, Marty, just a general observation,” Marty smiles teasingly at me, but I carry on. “And I mean, like, he was model material, even in all his ski gear…”

  “OK, we get the point,” Marty interrupts me and I catch him rolling his eyes at Joel.

  “Anyway, this girl comes running in after him and I presumed they were in the friend zone, you know, because she was in no way what I’d pick out for him. I mean, he was a ten, maybe an eleven, seriously, she was like a four, tops, but once they got their meals and sat down, I saw them kissing! On the lips! She must be good at something, that’s all I’m sayin’,” I tap the table with my fingertips and look up at everyone with big expressive eyes.

  “As they say,” Maggie chimes in. “You don’t look at the mantelpiece when you’re poking the fire.”

  Everyone collectively stops and turns to look at Maggie.

  Marty is the first to burst out laughing.

  “Did she really just say that?” Joel looks shocked at us while pointing a finger at Maggie.

  Maggie is sitting looking quite prim and proper without a single drop of mirth.

  “I’m going to miss this so much next week,” I suddenly say and surprise even myself that I’ve voiced it out loud.

  “Me too,” says Joel. “This week has been fantastic, and it’s all because of you two, Marty and Maggie.”

  “It’s been a joy for us too,” Maggie says and looks at each of us in turn. “You must promise to come and visit me again soon, I’d say I’d pop down to Aberdeen, but I don’t want to make promises I may not be able to keep.”

  “We will definitely come back up to visit,” I say taking Maggie’s hand and smiling at her.

  “As they say, all good things must come to an end,” Marty dampens the moment and I almost see the steam rise.

  “Not really,” I pipe up. “If there’s a will, there’s a way.”

  Marty looks at me doubtfully, “Some things are just best left as they are,” he says and starts piling our plates up.
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  “And what is that supposed to mean?” I ask him starting to get annoyed at precisely what he is getting at.

  “Just what I said,” he shrugs. “Some things are just meant to be ‘of the time’, so to say.”

  “Marty, what is your problem tonight?” I ask and for the first time feel my blood starting to curdle at the thought of what he might be saying.

  “I’m not saying anything at all, calm down,” he says looking at me seriously. “Look, forget it, let’s just enjoy the rest of your time here without any silly bickering, ok?”

  I stay glued to my seat, watching him as he walks over to the kitchen and busies himself sorting out the dirty dishes.

  “Never mind him,” Maggie says quietly to me. “He’s figuring out his feelings, he’s a man, they say the most stupid things sometimes.”

  Joel coughs.

  “Aside from you, lad. You’re quite the exception,” Maggie winks at Joel and they smile warmly at each other.

  “Glad to hear it, Maggie,” Joel says.

  The next day, is New Year’s Eve. As, what has become our usual, Joel and I hit the mountain for our last ski of the holiday. It’s still been snowing on and off all week, but nothing compared to how it was over Christmas, thankfully. The roads have been well gritted every day, and at least maintainable. I’ve surprised myself with how much I’ve enjoyed skiing. If the others had still been here, I doubt I would have come everyday, but I didn’t like to leave Joel to go by himself, or to feel that he had to miss out because of me, so it’s really been a blessing in disguise.

  Bex has been messaging every day and is managing to get around on her crutches better now, she also says she is feeling more herself too. Which is exactly what Marty told me would happen. Apparently Simon has been quite the nurse since they are both still on holiday too. I think he would be driving me insane by now, but alas, I am not dating him.

  “What exactly is the plan for tonight?” Joel asks me as we drive back down the mountain heading back to the chalet.

 

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