by Terry Brooks
She picked up her pace, the adrenaline surging through her body, a humming in her ears, the warmth of her blood pushing past the night chill until she didn’t feel it anymore. Her mind worked in response to her body’s energy, and her thoughts whirled this way and that, like kids waving their hands in a classroom, eager to ask questions. She wrestled with them in silence as she listened to the pounding of her shoes on the pavement, working through the mix of emotions the thoughts triggered. She should have been smarter about last night, taking them all to the toboggan run and putting them at risk. She should have been smarter about Bennett and not let her go out alone afterward. She probably should have been smarter about a lot of things—like running alone in the early morning hours when she was vulnerable to an attack by the demons stalking John Ross and the gypsy morph, almost as if daring them to try something.
And perhaps, she thought darkly, she was. Let them try contending with Wraith.
She shook off her bravado quickly, recognizing it for what it was, knowing where it led. Reason and caution would serve her better. But it was anger that drove her thinking. She had not asked to be put in this position, she kept telling herself. She had not wanted Ross to come back into her life, bringing trouble in the form of a four-year-old boy who wouldn’t communicate with anyone. That he had spoken her name, bringing them to her, was bad enough. But that her name alone seemed to be the extent of his ability to respond to her, a boundary beyond which he could not go, was infuriating.
Last night, when Ross and Harper were asleep and she was waiting up for Bennett, just beginning to worry that perhaps everything was not as it should be, he had come out of his room to sit with her. As soundless and fluid as a shadow, he had taken a place on the couch next to her. He had looked at her for just a moment, his blue eyes sweeping her face, and then he had turned his attention to the darkness that lay outside, staring once more through the window into the park. She had watched in silence for a time, then turned around to kneel next to him. The lights were all off, save for a nightlight in the hallway, so there was no reflection in the window, and the snowy sweep of the park, its broad expanse white and shimmering, lay revealed beyond the jagged wall of the hedgerow.
“What are you thinking, Little John?” she had asked, again trying out Two Bears’ advice. Then added, “What do you see?”
No answer. The boy’s features were delicate and fragile, his body slender. His mop of dusky blond hair hung over his forehead and about his ears in ragged wisps. He needed a haircut, she thought, wondering if she should give him one. He needed food and love and a sense of belonging. He was too frail, in danger of fading away.
“Can’t you say something, Little John?” she pressed. “Can’t you talk to me just a little? You spoke my name once. John told me so. You said ‘Nest.’ That’s my name. Did you know about me? Tell me if you did, Little John. Tell me what you need, and I will try to give it to you.”
No answer. The boy’s eyes remained fixed on the park.
“I have magic, too,” she said finally, easing so close they were touching. She half expected him to flinch or move away, but he stayed perfectly still. “I was born with magic, just like you. It isn’t easy having magic, is it? Magic does things to you that you don’t always like. It makes you be something you don’t necessarily want to be. Has that happened with you?”
She waited, then continued. “I have a magic living inside me that I don’t want there. It’s my father’s magic, and he gave it to me when I was very little. I didn’t know it for a long time. I found out when I was fourteen. This magic is a ghost wolf called Wraith. Wraith is very big and scary. When I was little, he followed me everywhere, watching over me. Now he lives inside me. I don’t really know how it happened …”
She trailed off, not liking how it made her feel to think about Wraith and magic. Flashes of Seattle and her battle with the demon who was trying to subvert John Ross roiled through her mind. It was her confrontation with the demon that had brought Wraith out of her, had revealed his presence. In her memories she felt him rise anew, taking who and what she was with him, sealing them together, so that she felt a part of his dark rage, his terrible power.
He had appeared again, unbidden and unwelcome, at the last race she had ever run …
She closed her eyes for a moment and then opened them to the window-framed night. “If you could tell me about your magic, Little John, maybe we could help each other. Maybe we could make each other understand something about what’s happened to us. I don’t like living with myself like this. Do you?” She placed her hand gently on his thin wrist, feeling his warmth and the beat of his pulse beneath her fingertips. “Maybe we could make each other feel a little better if we talked about it.”
But the gypsy morph did not answer, and although she stayed next to him talking for a long time afterward, there was no response, and at last she went to bed, leading him down the hall to his own room. She was tired and dejected, her perceived failures magnified by the lateness of the hour and her inability to make even the smallest progress in unlocking his voice.
She was running smoothly now, the roadway straight and open ahead, leading her on toward Moonlight Bay and the river. Her worries disappeared into the rhythm of her pace, fading away as she ran, left behind as surely as the place she had started from. When she returned, of course, they would be waiting. But they wouldn’t seem so bad then; they would be more manageable. That was how running worked.
At the five-mile mark, she turned around and started back again, feeling loose and easy and clearheaded. Her breath clouded the air before her, and her arms and legs pumped smoothly in the cold. She ran almost every day the weather allowed her to, ran because running was what she had done all her life to make herself feel better. It was what had given her strength when she needed it as a girl. It was what had led her to the Olympics and her eight-year professional career as a runner. It was what had, on more than one occasion, saved her life.
Sometimes, she wondered what she would have done without it. It was hard to imagine; running defined who she was, defined her approach to life. It wasn’t that she ran from life, but all through it and around it to gain perspective and to find the answers she needed to deal with it. Mostly, she believed, she ran toward it. She was direct in her approach to things, a lesson she had learned from Gran years ago. Nest didn’t mind. She thought, on balance, that Gran’s way was probably best.
But, at the moment, she was having trouble making that approach to life work.
As she turned up the drive, she saw a fresh set of footprints in the snow. Bennett had returned. She came in the back door quietly, not knowing if anyone was awake yet, and heard voices from the living room. Shucking off her cap, scarf, gloves, and running shoes, she eased quietly down the hallway and peeked around the corner.
“So Little Bear went home to his mother and never, ever went out into the woods again without asking first. The end.” Bennett Scott closed the book she was reading to Harper and put it aside. “That’s a good lesson for little girls, too. Never go out of your home without asking your mother first. You remember that, sweetie. Okay?”
“ ’Kay, Mommy.”
Harper sat on her mother’s lap, still in her pajamas, nestled in the folds of an old throw Bennett had wrapped about them both. Bennett still wore last night’s clothes, and her face was haggard and pale.
“ ’Cause Mommy would feel so bad if anything happened to her baby girl. You know that, Harper?” Bennett hugged her. “Mommy just wants to keep you safe always.”
“Owee, Mommy,” Harper complained, as her mother squeezed too tightly.
“Sorry, sweetie.” Bennett rumpled her hair. “Hey, look, the sun’s coming up! Look, Harper! It’s all gold and red and lavender and pink! Look at all the pretty colors!”
They shifted on the couch, turning to look east out the window where the sun’s early light was just cresting the tree-line of the park. Nest watched in silence as Bennett drew Harper’s small body close to he
r own and pointed.
“You know what that is, Harper?” she asked softly. “Remember what I told you? That’s angel fire. Isn’t it beautiful?”
“Bootiful.”
“Remember what Mommy told you about angel fire? At the beginning of every day, the angels go all over the world and gather up a little bit of the love that mommies have for their babies. They take bits and pieces, just scraps of it really, because mommies need most of it for themselves, to keep their babies safe. But the angels gather as much as they can, and they bring it all together, before anyone’s awake, and they use it to make the sunrise. Sometimes it’s really bright and full of colors, like today, because there is more love to spare than usual. But there is always enough to make a sunrise, enough to begin a new day.”
She went silent then, lowering her head into Harper’s thick hair. Nest slipped past them down the hall to her bedroom. Once inside, she stripped off her running clothes and went into the bathroom. She took a long shower, washed her hair, dressed, and put on makeup, wondering all the while what she was going to say to Bennett. Maybe nothing, she kept thinking. Maybe it was better to just leave things alone.
She was just about to go out and start breakfast when she noticed the message light blinking on her answer machine.
There was one message.
“Hi. It’s Paul. I thought I might catch you in, but I guess you’re already up and about. Or maybe sleeping, but I bet not. Not you. Anyway, I just wanted to say ‘Hi’ or maybe ‘Merry Christmas.’ I’ve been thinking about you lately. Haven’t talked with you for a while, so I decided to call. Hope you’re doing okay. Anyway, I’ll try again later. Bye.”
The machine offered its programmed choices, delete, save, or replay, and she hung up. She stared at the phone, still sitting on the bed. She hadn’t heard from Paul in months. Why was he calling her now? Maybe he just wanted to talk, like he said. Maybe it was something else. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know.
She went out of her bedroom and down the hall to the kitchen. She was pulling out pots and pans and cooking utensils, trying to decide on a breakfast menu, when Bennett came in and took a seat at the old kitchen table.
Nest glanced over. “Morning.”
“Morning,” Bennett replied, holding her gaze only a moment before her eyes slid away. She looked a wreck, much worse than Nest had thought earlier. “Can I do something?”
Nest saw Harper playing alone in the living room, content for the moment. “Make yourself some coffee, why don’t you?”
Bennett rose and walked over to the machine. She was pulling down the box of filters and opening the coffee tin when her hands began to shake. She couldn’t seem to stop them, but continued to try to set the filter in place in the machine, dropping it to the floor in the process.
Nest walked over and took her hands, holding them firmly in her own. “Nobody said this was going to be easy.”
Bennett’s face turned sullen and stiff. “I’m all right. Leave me alone.”
“Where were you last night, Bennett?”
“Out, Nest. Look, I don’t want to talk about it, okay? Just leave me alone!”
She wrenched her hands away and threw herself back down at the table, biting her lip. Nest stayed where she was, watching. Then she turned away and began to make the coffee herself.
“You want me to leave?” Bennett asked after a moment, head lowered in the veil of her dark hair. “Just say the word. Harper and I can be gone in a flash. We don’t have to stay here.”
“I want you to stay,” Nest said quietly.
“No, you don’t! You want me out! Admit it, okay? Don’t lie to me! You want your life back the way it was before I showed up!”
Nest finished with the coffee and walked back to the stove, deciding on pancakes and sausage. “Well, we don’t always get what we want in life, and sometimes what we get is better than what we want anyway. Gran used to say that all the time. I think having you and Harper and John and Little John for Christmas is a good example of what she meant. Don’t you?”
She waited a minute and then turned around. Bennett was crying, her head buried in her hands, her shoulders hunched and still. Nest walked over and knelt beside her.
“I don’t even have a present for her!” Bennett’s voice was a whisper of despair and rage. “Not one shitty present! I don’t even have the money to buy one! What kind of mother does that make me?”
Nest put her arm around Bennett’s shoulders. “Let’s make her one, then. You and me. Something really wonderful. I used to do that with Gran, just because Gran liked making presents rather than buying them. She felt they were more special when you made them. Why don’t we do that?”
Bennett’s nod was barely perceptible. “I’m such a loser, Nest. I can’t do anything right. Anything.”
Nest leaned closer. “When the holiday is over, Bennett, you and I are going to see a man who works with addicts. He’s very good at it. He runs a program out of a group home he supervises. You can live there if you want, but you don’t have to. I like him, and I think you will, too. Maybe he can help you get straight.”
Bennett shook her head. “Sure, why not?” She didn’t sound like she believed it. She sighed and buried her face in her hands, the sobs ending. “God, I hate my life.”
Nest left her and went back to the stove. She worked on breakfast until the coffee was ready, then poured a cup and carried it over to Bennett, who hadn’t moved from the table. Bennett drank a little, then rose and began setting the diningroom table. After a while, John Ross and Little John appeared, the boy going straight to the couch to kneel facing out the window once more. Harper stared at him for a while from where she sat on the floor, then went back to playing.
They ate breakfast in the dining room with the lights on. The sky clouded over again and the sun disappeared from view until it was only a pale hazy ball, the air turned gray and wintry in its absence. Outside, cars moved on the street like sluggish beetles, the whine of snow tires and the rattle of chains marking their passage. Andy Wilts came by from the Texaco station to plow out the drive with his four-by-four. Bennett talked with Harper about snow angels and icicle lollipops, and Nest talked about driving out to get a Christmas tree, now that she had company for the holiday. Ross ate in silence, and the gypsy morph looked off into space.
When they were clearing off the table and putting the dishes in the dishwasher, there was a knock at the front door. Nest glanced out the curtained window and saw a county sheriff’s car parked in the drive. Not again, she thought immediately. Leaving Bennett to finish loading the dishes, she walked down the hall, irritated at the prospect of having to deal with Larry Spence yet again. What could he possibly want this time? Ross was in his room, so maybe she could avoid another confrontation.
“Good morning, Larry,” she said on opening the door, fighting down the urge to tell him what she really wanted to say.
Larry Spence stood stiffly in front of her, hat in hand, bundled up in his deputy sheriff’s coat. “Morning, Nest. Sorry to have to bother you again.”
“That’s all right. What can I do for you?”
He cleared his throat. “Well, it might be better if I could come in and we could talk about it there.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so. We tried that yesterday, and it didn’t work out very well. You better tell me what you want right here on the porch.”
His big frame shifted. “All right. We’ll do it your way.” His tone of voice changed, taking on a slight edgè. “It’s about the drug dealing in the park. It’s still going on. There was a major buy last night. Witnesses saw it going down and called it in. It’s possible that someone staying in your house was involved.”
She thought at once of Bennett Scott, missing all night. Had Bennett been involved in a drug transaction? She stared at Larry Spence, trying to read his face. How would Bennett have paid for “a major buy” of drugs? She didn’t have any money.
“Who did your witnesses think they saw?” she
asked quickly.
“I can’t tell you that.”
“Who are your witnesses?”
“I can’t tell you that, either.”
“But there are witnesses and they did see someone involved in this drug buy that they can identify, is that right?”
“Right.”
But Nest didn’t believe it. He was fishing for something. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be here asking questions of her. He would be holding a warrant for Bennett’s arrest.
“Look, Larry.” She closed the door behind her, moved out onto the porch, and stood with her arms folded across her chest. “My guests were all here last night, tucked in their beds, asleep. If you have someone who says differently, trot them out. Otherwise, go investigate someone else.”
His face began to redden. “You don’t have to be so defensive about this. I’m just doing my job. Drug dealing is a mean business, and the people involved are dangerous. You might be smart to think about that.”
“What are you talking about, Larry? I don’t know anyone involved in drug dealing, and I’m not friends with people who do. I have four guests in my house—friends I’ve known for a long time and a couple of small children. I hardly think they are the kind of people you’re talking about.”
He shook his head stubbornly. “Maybe you don’t know them as well as you think.”
“Well, maybe that’s so. But what makes you think you know them any better? This is the second time in two days you’ve been out here, ladling out large helpings of innuendo and unsubstantiated accusations.” Her anger surfaced in a rush. “If you know something I don’t, why not just tell me instead of waiting for me to break down and confess?”
“Look, Nest, I don’t—”
“No, you tell me what you know, or you get the hell off my porch!”
He took a deep breath, his face bright red. “John Ross is a dangerous man. There are people here investigating him. I’m trying to keep you out of it, girl!”
