“Son, now you listen to me,” Nanna starts to scold me as her cheeks go red. “That poor girl has been a mess. I don’t know what happened but you better go and fix it, or the only thing that will be nailed around here will be your backside. You’re never too old for a good hiding.”
My eyes widen at Nanna’s threat. I hold up my hands, surrendering before she decides to carry out her threat.
“I’ll go talk to her.”
She points to the back door with a thunderous look on her face.
“I’m going right now.” I backtrack out of the kitchen and then look for Sophia.
Jack comes walking towards me, pushing a wheelbarrow filled with manure. “Have you seen Sophia?”
He shakes his head.
“Thanks.” At least I know she didn’t go in the direction of the lands. I head to the stables, taking my chances there.
As I walk in, I blink a few times so my eyes can adjust to the dark. I head for the stall at the back where I found her the other night. When I look over the door, I see her curled up in the corner, her legs pulled to her chest and her face buried in her arms.
My heart sinks like a dead weight. I caused this. Fuck, I’m a bastard.
I open the door and her head snaps up. When she sees it’s me she quickly gets up and wipes her hands over her dress.
“Sorry, I didn’t know you were coming here,” she whispers.
She aims to walk by me but I quickly reach out to stop her. I take hold of her arm and pull her to me, but she resists, not coming like she always used to do.
“You don’t have to do that. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine, Sophia,” I say, but I let go of her anyway. “I’m sorry for being such a dick. The way I’ve been treating you the past few days …” I sigh heavily and look down at my boots like a kid who got caught with his hand in a cookie jar.
I glance up only to see that she’s turned away from me.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I need to learn faster, that’s all.”
“No, Sophia,” I sigh. I reach for her again, but she takes a step back and I let my hand drop to my side. “This is not about you having to learn faster.”
I’ve fucked this all up. How am I going to explain to her that it’s all me, and not her?
“These past few days I’ve had a lot of time to think,” she says suddenly. She reaches for the wall and she starts to trail her finger down the length of it. “I come here to think so I won’t be in anyone’s way.”
“What have you been thinking?” I ask carefully.
She trails her finger back up the wall and then whispers, “I’m just like this piece of wood. To others, it looks pretty here, but at the end of the day it’s just a dead piece of wood. It died the second they chopped down the tree. I was chopped down a long time ago, and ever since, I’ve been just like the wood. Actually, I’m worse than the wood in this stable. At least there are beautiful horses being kept in here. I was just used for a fuck.”
Her words are unbearably sad. I take another step closer to her wanting to comfort her.
“You’re not dead, Sophia. You survived. Terrible things were done to you, but it is in the past. It might always be a part of you, but you’re growing stronger every day. You’re not letting it shape the person you are today. You could easily have let your past beat you down. You could’ve given up, but you didn’t. You have a whole future ahead of you, one that will be filled with beautiful things.”
“It will never be in the past,” she snaps. Her sudden outburst catches me off guard.
She slams a fist against the wall and cries out, “Every single thing I’ve done is squashed so deep inside of me, I’ll never be able to dig it out. It feels like there’s nothing left of me but this filthy body.”
She slams her fist against the wall again. I’m scared she’s going to hurt herself. I quickly take hold of her hands and press them to my chest, holding them there. She starts to pull, trying to free herself from my hold, but I’m not letting go this time.
My heart is racing as fast as her breaths are coming.
She screams again and the sound rips a hole in my heart. I quickly wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly.
“Let it out, Sweetheart,” I whisper.
She struggles against me and her growls turn to sobs, and just like the other night, her body slumps against mine. Her hands dig into my shirt, holding on for dear life.
Her cries are filled with anger and agony.
“You’re not filthy,” I whisper hoarsely, the emotions threatening to choke me. “You’re a beautiful woman, Sophia.”
“I’m not,” she whispers, pulling away from me. “If I was beautiful, you wouldn’t reject me.”
“I -”
She cuts me off, saying, “The other day, you couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”
“It’s not like that.” I step right up to her. “You have this all wrong. I’m not rejecting you. I’m protecting you. I’d be a fucking asshole if I were to start something with you. You’re still healing.”
I suck in a breath of air and I don’t even try to calm myself down anymore.
I’m fucking angry with myself. I did this to her. I made her feel like she didn’t matter.
“You’re a beautiful woman, on the inside and on the outside. It would be so easy to forget that I should be the one protecting you, and to just take you for myself,” I admit to her. There is no holding back now. I have to fix the mess I made and I can only do that by being honest with her. “But if I did that to you, if I just took you, then I would be no different from those monsters.”
She looks up at me, her eyes the color of a cloudless sky.
“But I want you to take me,” she whispers, and her words are just another blow to my crumbling heart.
“I can’t, Sophia. You think it’s what you want but it’s not. I was the first person there for you when you woke up. You’re seeing me as the person who saved you and not as a man. You’re confusing your feelings of gratefulness for love.”
She frowns darkly at me and anger sparks in her eyes.
“That’s how you feel. That’s what you think. You don’t have a clue what’s going on inside of me. Yes, you were the first person there for me. Yes, I’m grateful, you’ll never be able to comprehend how much.”
Her breaths are racing. There is so much emotion on her face right now, it’s as if I’m seeing her alive for the first time.
“I’ve been fucked. I’ve been beaten. I’ve been degraded and treated worse than an animal, but I’ve never been treated the way you just treated me. You made me feel happy for the first time in my life, then you just ripped it away from me. You made me want to be with a person for the first time, not because I was forced to, but because I wanted it, and you took it away.”
She looks down and wraps her arms around herself, as if she wants to protect herself from me.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
I’m angry with myself, but most of all, my heart is aching because she’s hurting. I hate seeing her in any kind of pain, especially the kind I caused her.
“I’m sorry that I made you feel like that. I never meant to hurt you.”
“You say I’m not ready, but I’m the one who knows how I feel, not you. You want me to make my own choices and when I do, you tell me they are wrong. You tell me I should wait. I can’t possibly be ready to live.” She keeps looking down, not making eye contact with me as she whispers, “You said I would find a man that I could give my heart to. You said you wouldn’t let anyone hurt me.” She finally looks up with a world of hurt in her eyes. “You lied. I gave you my heart and you hurt it.”
She rushes past me, leaving me behind in the stables.
I hurt her. She put her trust in me and I let her down.
“Fuck!” I shout as the anger threatens to choke the life out of me.
I slam my hand into the wall and welcome the pain as it ripples up my arm.
I don’t even kno
w where to begin to fix this. I thought I was doing a good thing by staying away from her. It’s only been a month. She can’t possibly be ready for a relationship.
I shove my hands through my hair and grab fistfuls. I hear movement behind me and scowl darkly when I see that it’s Tristan.
“Just face it. You don’t want someone else to have her, but you’re too much of a coward to make a move yourself.”
“What the fuck do you know?” I snap at him.
“Enough,” he chuckles but there’s no humor in the sound. “I’ve been doing the same thing with Diane. It’s been a year and I still keep telling myself, she’s too young, she’s too raw. I keep telling myself she needs time to heal, but you know what I’ve realized by watching you and Sophia?”
“What did you realize?” I ask when he pauses.
“Diane will never heal completely.” He points to the door where Sophia ran through. “Sophia will forever have those marks, they won’t heal completely. If we wait for them to heal completely then we’ll wait forever. We’re using it as excuses to keep ourselves away from them. We are the ones who are scared, Adam. Not them. Fuck, they’ve been through hell, why would they be scared of dickheads like us?” He nods, making his point. “We are just two shitheads who are scared of the women they care for. We’re scared we’ll hurt them, and in the process, we hurt them anyway.”
He turns around and walks away. I hear him say, “I’m done hurting Diane. Life is too short, and I’m not wasting another day by running from the one woman I want.”
Once again, I stay behind. Tristan is right. I’m the one saying she’s not ready. What the fuck do I know about how she really feels? I’m hurting her more by staying away. It should be her choice.
As fucked up as I am, I’ll never be able to turn her away if she says the words right to my face. If she says that she wants me, then I’ll act on my feelings, but not before then.
Chapter Twenty Three
Sophia~
I make sure I stay out of Adam’s way. I’m not angry with him. He did what he thought was best for me. I can’t blame him for my own stupidity, and the stupid feelings that are growing inside of me. I’m angry with myself. I’m angry for telling him the things I did. I’m angry for liking him too much.
It’s just … I’ve never felt the way I do when I’m around him. He makes my insides quiver. I forget everything whenever he’s near. He makes me feel like I can actually be more. My heart always speeds up at the sound of his deep voice.
It’s as if I can finally see when I’m looking at him. He makes me want to dream. I dare to hope because of him.
He’s become so much. He’s become my shield against my past, my safe haven where I can heal, and my protector against the uncertain future that lies ahead of me.
It’s starting to feel like the life I have now, and the life I had as a slave, belong to two different people.
When I remember Lowery with his milk and cat fetish, my skin crawls with disgust. I feel nauseated when I remember David, and how he emotionally and physically abused me.
With Adam, I don’t feel filthy. It’s the only time my past doesn’t hang like a shadow over my head.
But Adam doesn’t want me. Not the way I want him. He doesn’t need me the way I need him, and there’s nothing I can do to change that.
I focus on helping in the kitchen. It’s a simple routine, but to me it’s calming. It’s where I feel wanted.
As awkward as things are between me and Adam, I can’t make myself move out of his house. I feel safe knowing he’s always close by and I’m not ready to give that up yet.
I make sure I leave before he comes out of his room in the mornings, and I make sure I get to my room before he gets home at night. I don’t want things to be even more awkward than they already are.
The rest of the day I stay with Miss Ella.
It hurts knowing I’ll never be good enough for someone like Adam. Life is really twisted. The first time I want a man, he doesn’t want me.
Chapter Twenty Four
Adam~
I give Sophia time to do her thing before I go home. I don’t have the guts to face her yet, so our unofficial arrangement works at the moment.
I’ve started sitting out on the patio after dinner. It’s peaceful out here.
The door slams open and River comes rushing out. She goes to stand by the railing, her whole body tense.
“What’s nipping at your heels?” I ask.
She walks over and sits down next to me. We don’t get to see much of each other nowadays.
“Jack sort of kissed me.” She drops the bomb.
I stare at her for a short while and wonder if she is in the same spot as me. There’s only one way to find out. “And that’s bad?”
“Yes, it’s bad! He’s still healing. I don’t want to take advantage of him,” she almost cries out.
Yeah, she’s pretty much in the same position as me. I can’t give her any advice. She needs to figure this out on her own. However, I can be here for her.
“How are you taking advantage of him if he kissed you?” I ask.
She gives me a dark look. “He doesn’t know any better, and I do.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” I snap. “He’s a fucking grown man, River. If I were to kiss Sophia would that be wrong?”
She looks at me and frowns. “Are you telling me or asking me, Adam?”
I sigh, feeling just as tired. “I suppose I’m asking you.”
“I don’t know.” She leans back and stares out into the night. “Honestly, I don’t know. You and Sophia are a different story. Sophia is different from Jack. I’m different from you.”
What a crock of shit! “That’s not an answer, River.”
“There is no right answer!” She jumps up, clearly getting more upset with the situation.
“There is always an answer. It just might not be what you want to hear,” I say softly.
She has her own reasons for not wanting to pursue a relationship with Jack, just like I have mine to stay away from Sophia.
“Fine. Let me have it.”
I get up and go to stand in front of her. “It’s not wrong for two people to enjoy each other if they both want to. A blind man can see that you care about Jack. You’re scared shitless because for the first time in your life, you’re in love.”
I see anger flash across her face. “I’m not scared. That’s ridiculous.”
“You’re scared of what he means to you.”
When I see that she’s still not following me, I spell it out for her.
“You want to be with him, but then you’ll have to admit that your whole life has been a lie. You say you hate sex, and I understand where you’re coming from with that, but I think you’re hiding behind your past. You’re refusing sex because you’re scared you’ll turn out to be just like your father.”
The sound of flesh hitting flesh is sharp, and then I feel the sting. I suck in a sharp breath as I try to control my own anger.
I glare at River. She just crossed a line.
“Don’t ever hit me again.”
I walk away before either of us says something we’ll regret. We’re both way too emotional to think straight.
As I walk into the house, Sophia’s door closes. Yeah, I just gave River a speech about how scared she is to take things further with Jack, and here I am avoiding Sophia.
Fuck this! I walk to her room and knock on the door.
“I’m sleeping.” Her voice comes muffled.
“No, you’re not,” I say back. “You just spoke to me.”
“I’m already in bed,” she mumbles.
I lean back against the door and shove my hands into my pockets. “Fine, then I’ll just stand here and say what I have to say,” I call out.
It sucks talking to a door, but it’s my own fault.
“Sophia, I’d love to be the one who gets your heart, to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.”
I sink down to th
e floor and sit flat on my ass. I lean my head back against the door.
“You deserve a man who will give you the world, a man who will keep you safe, and a man who will love you with all his heart.” I suck in a deep breath and then say, “I joined the army right out of school. I stayed in the army until it broke me. I’ve seen so many people die, many of them by my hand. When I retired, I was a lost and broken man. I really thought that was the end of me. I couldn’t hold a job. I kept losing my temper over the smallest thing. I’d just been fired from my last job, when River found me. She offered me this position, to help her take care of this place. I’ve poured my heart and soul into the sanctuary. It’s all I could do to survive the destructiveness that lives inside of me.”
I close my eyes as I admit, “It’s there, a living and breathing force. I’m scared it will explode and I don’t want you around when it happens.”
Suddenly, the door opens and I almost fall backwards. I get up and my eyes wander over her. She’s wearing one of my shirts and I have to admit, she looks fucking hot in it. I wonder when she took it.
“You gave me the world, Adam. You saved me from that life, and you gave me all of this. You keep me safe. Why do you think I’m still staying here? Why haven’t I moved into the main house? It’s because I feel safe with you. Only you.”
She takes my hand and holds it in both of hers, the way I use to do when she first got here.
“I never knew what it felt like to be safe until you. Out of everything that’s happened to me, the fear was the worst. You’re the only thing that stands between me and that fear.”
She takes a step closer to me, her eyes locked on mine.
“Let me do the same for you, Adam. You saved me now let me save you. Please, Adam, let’s just try. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want to meet new people. I’ll never trust anyone out there. I’ll never be normal. I’ll always be tainted by my past, but the only time I don’t feel filthy is when I’m looking at myself through your eyes. I need you.”
I stare down at her, and even though she’s a fragile beauty, she’s so much stronger than me.
Filthy: A Dark Romance (A Damaged Romance Duet Book 2) Page 10
