And after twenty-two years, I’m so lonely.
I just want someone there to lean on. Someone to cheer me on when I need it, someone to help me up when I fall, someone to comfort me when I’m having a shitty day.
But not just someone…
An image of Cade flits through my mind. The same image that’s been haunting my dreams. The sight of him in my apartment the last night we spoke. The look in his eyes, the heavy emotion settled there. At the time, I assumed it was pity. For the first time, I consider the possibility that I was reading him wrong. Maybe what I saw shadowed there wasn’t pity, but empathy.
Cade lost not only one but both parents, and that was after they’d been there to love and support him, after they’d given him an amazing life. He’s been abandoned and left behind, and even though neither was done willingly, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s alone. And he still picked me. He still wanted to take the chance on me, on what we had together.
And instead of returning the favor, instead of accepting him into my life, into my heart, I spit in his face.
If anyone has proven they’ll be there for the long haul, that they’ll stick around, it’s Cade. Willing to give up his dreams just so he can stay and protect his sister and niece, so he can be there for them. To prove he’d never turn his back on them. I couldn’t see it—didn’t want to see what kind of man he was because I was too scared.
God, I ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me because I was scared.
I don’t want to be scared anymore.
I want to be the kind of person Cade sees in me. The kind of person who’s fearless, who spreads her wings instead of staying frozen on the ground.
I want to fly for him.
If living with Annette has taught me anything, it’s that it doesn’t always have to be all or nothing. Sometimes things are going to go wrong, things aren’t going to be perfect, but that doesn’t have to mean decimation, either. It means picking yourself up and apologizing and moving on. It means swallowing your pride and asking for help. It means offering more of yourself than you want to keep hidden away.
I want to give so much of myself to him. I want to give everything to him.
And, finally, I’m ready.
cade
I shouldn’t be here.
I don’t even know if Winter would want me here, but I can’t not be. Not when I know I’m the only one, the only one in the audience cheering her on. Even if she doesn’t know it, I want her to have someone. I want someone to see her accomplish this. Even with all the odds stacked against her, she made it, and she deserves to have someone who loves her witness it.
From where I’m standing toward the back, I can just make out the profile of her face, that indent of her cheek a glaring sign of her nerves. The closer they get to her name, the more she fidgets. She’s restless, shifting constantly in her seat. I want to walk over to her, pull her into my lap, and comfort her, tell her how proud of her I am.
These past couple of weeks without her have been unbelievably shitty, but I didn’t realize just how much until I saw her. When I caught that first glimpse of her, it took all of my willpower to stay back here, out of sight.
I miss her. And after tomorrow, it’s only going to get worse.
I wish I could talk to her, just to tell her everything that’s happened. Tell her everything that will happen. She was such an integral part of my decision, the final push I needed to do this for myself, to stop thinking of everyone else’s needs, to let go of some of the responsibilities I carried without needing to. I want to thank her for everything she said that encouraged me to pursue this, but I don’t know that I’ll get the chance.
I watch as they call her row. She stands, moving with confidence, her head held high as she shuffles behind her classmates, and she’s so fucking beautiful. The line of people in front of her gets fewer and fewer until her name is finally called. She climbs the steps, walks across the stage, and accepts her diploma, shaking the hand offered.
And even though I should stay silent, should slink out of here without letting on to my presence, I can’t. Seeing her up there, against all odds, sets off a wave of pride in me. Putting my fingers in my mouth, I whistle loudly as she releases the hand she was shaking. At the sound, her head snaps toward the crowd, her eyes darting around as she scans the faces that make up the audience. Part of me wants to stay standing right here, wait and see if she notices me. Watch her face as she does. Will it light up at the sight of me? Or will it fall?
That final thought has me moving before she can spot me, not giving her the chance to do either. I slip out of the crowd and into the parking lot, my mind churning with all the things I want to say to her. All the things I want her to know, that I wanted to tell her in person. All the things that won’t happen. Not now.
I rev my motorcycle, speeding out of the parking lot. As I go the long way home, I imagine Winter seated behind me, how she felt there the first time she rode with me. How she wrapped her arms around me, pressed her head to my shoulder, her legs on the outside of mine. I’d give almost anything to feel that again.
Haley’s in the front yard when I pull up at home, already dressed for her dance recital. She waves when she spots me, twirling and pointing at her outfit, making sure I notice it. “Do you like it, Uncle Cade? Isn’t it the most prettiest?”
I step off my bike, setting my helmet on the seat, and stroll over to her, picking her up and tossing her in the air how she likes. She giggles, her laughter washing over me, and I wonder how long I’ll be able to do that. How many visits before suddenly she’s too big? Will I be here when that happens, or will I be hundreds of miles away and surprised by this once-little girl who grew six inches since I last saw her?
“It is the most prettiest. You look just like a princess.”
“That’s what Mama said. She did my hair. It’s pretty, too, huh?” Her long, dark hair is curled and pinned in some sort of fancy style Tessa probably spent an hour on.
“Very.”
“You comin’ to the ’cital?”
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
She squirms from my grasp, and I set her down as Tessa pokes her head out the front door. “Hey, we have to leave in ten. Are you coming with us or are you going to come later?”
“I’ll come with you guys now, but I’ll ride my bike over.”
“You sure? The recital doesn’t start for a while. There’ll probably be just a lot of standing around for us.”
Shrugging, I follow Haley into the house, shutting the door behind us. “Doesn’t matter. I’m still coming.”
On my last day home, I’m spending as much time with them as possible.
Fifteen minutes later, I pull into the parking lot behind Tess, getting off my bike and heading over to the car. I go around to the back and open Haley’s door, getting her unbuckled from her booster seat.
“Mama, where’s my sparkly thing?”
“What sparkly thing, baby?”
“For my head.”
Tessa whips her head around, her eyes wide. “Oh crap! Your tiara! I knew I forgot something. Cade, can you—”
Holding up a hand to stop her, I say, “Just tell me where it is.”
“It’s on my nightstand. Oh, no, wait…I used it when I did her hair. My bathroom then.”
“No, s’not,” Haley says. “I played with it after.”
“Well, where’d you leave it?”
“Dunno.” Haley shrugs.
“Okay, how about I take her in, and you go back to look for it,” I say. “I don’t even know what a tiara is…” I grab Haley’s hand and help her out of the car. “I’ll see you shortly.”
“I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
I nod and shut the car door, squeezing Haley’s hand as Tess drives away. “Ready, short stuff?”
“Ready.” She tugs me along behind her, looking back at me with a full-toothed smile. And my heart aches. God, I’m going to miss her.
Thirty
> winter
I run.
In my gown, my cap clutched in my hand, I run. I’ve never much minded not having a car. I’ve managed to get around for four years without one, but now, as I’m trying to catch Cade, I wish I had one. I don’t even know if it was him, if it was his sharp whistle that rang out while I received my diploma. I searched the crowd, but with hundreds of faces staring back at me, it was futile.
But still. I hoped.
I get to the bus stop just as one is pulling up to the curb, and for once thank my luck. Grabbing a seat, I stare out the window, thinking about what it would mean if it was Cade who was there. If he came to watch me.
But even if it wasn’t him, I already made my decision. I have to go to him, tell him how sorry I am, how stupid I was. How scared and hurt and broken and stupid I was to have let him walk away. To have made him walk away.
All along I thought I’d lost myself when I was with him. That I didn’t even know myself anymore, that I forgot about what was important. What I didn’t realize was I found myself with him. I’m not supposed to go through life angry and lonely and pissed off at the world. I can be happy. I deserve to be happy.
I get off at the stop closest to his house and run down the street, my shoes pounding the pavement as I round the corner. My heart speeds up the closer I get, my stomach doing somersaults. When I’m on his front porch, I take a few deep breaths, steeling myself to ring the doorbell. Before I can, someone pulls up along the curb, and I turn back to see Cade’s car.
Except it’s not Cade who steps out.
Tessa slips from the driver’s side, regarding me wearily as she walks up the front path. “Winter.”
“Hi, Tessa.”
“Productive day?” she asks, gesturing to the front of me.
With a furrowed brow, I glance down, noticing the black gown I’m still wearing. A slightly hysterical laugh breaks from my throat as I think of how true that statement is. In more ways than one. “Um, yeah, you could say that. I was just about to knock.”
“Ah, well, no one would’ve answered. I just came back to get Haley’s tiara. She forgot it on the way to her recital. Cade’s with her there.”
“Oh.” My shoulders sag as I realize that wasn’t him at the graduation. Even so, it doesn’t matter. I already knew, even before, I wanted to do everything I could to get him back. “Do you…do you know when he’ll be back? Or if he’ll be around tomorrow?” After the day I’ve had, I don’t want to wait, but I will if I don’t have a choice.
“I’m not sure what time we’ll be done. And tomorrow…um, no, he won’t be around much.”
I can tell by the way she studies me, by the flat line of her lips that she’s keeping something from me. “Tessa, please, I just…I really need to see him. There are some things I need to say.”
She leans against the front door, crossing her arms against her chest. “Things that are going to break his heart again? Because I gotta tell ya…living with him for the past couple of weeks hasn’t exactly been fun.”
The thought of Cade hurting, of him hurting over me, is just another thorn in my side, and I hate that I did this. I hate that I’m the cause for his pain, for our pain. If I could go back, I would.
But going back isn’t possible. I can’t go back in time, change what I said to Cade, the things I did, no more than I can go back and change my childhood. I just have to accept it for what it is. Accept it and move on, move forward.
Shaking my head, I say, “No, nothing like that. I hope.”
She studies me, her eyes intense as she regards me. “He will give you everything he has, Winter. Every ounce. Until there’s nothing left for himself. Give something back to him.”
I swallow my nerves. If she can help me get to Cade, she deserves to know this. My voice just above a whisper, I say, “I want to give him everything.”
It seems like forever as she stares at me, reading my intentions. Finally, she gives a nod. “Haley’s recital is at Christine’s Dance Studio, over on Washington. It goes until six.”
“Okay.” I nod, stepping back as she opens the door. “Okay, thank you.” I turn to jog down the steps, but Tessa’s voice stops me.
“Winter? Don’t wait till tomorrow, okay?”
There’s something in the tone of her voice that gives me pause. When I offer her a nod of agreement, she turns and enters her house, closing the door behind her.
I’ve got enough time to run back to Annette’s and change out of my gown and get to the dance studio. I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring, but I’m not going to wait to find out.
cade
Backstage is a complete clusterfuck, too many squealing kids, and I need to step away for a bit. Even while I was watching Haley twirl and prance around on stage, doing the routine she practiced for months, I wasn’t entirely focused. My mind’s been elsewhere all day.
The clock is ticking faster, the minutes I have left here speeding past, and I can’t leave without trying one more time. If there is a chance Winter will talk to me, a chance she’ll answer the phone and I don’t take it, I’ll kick myself for the rest of my life.
I find Tess in the crowd, squeezing my way through throngs of parents. I grab her arm, pulling her close so she can hear me over the commotion. “Hey, I’m going to head outside for a bit.”
She raises both eyebrows in question, glancing behind me, then returning her eyes to mine. “What’s outside?”
“Nothing, I just need to make a phone call.”
“Okay, I’m not sure how long we’ll be back here. Are you going to follow us home?”
“Probably. I’ll wait outside, but text me if it’s gonna go on forever.”
She nods, allowing Haley to pull her farther into the chaos as I weave my way through the hallways and slip out the front door. Families have spilled out onto the front lawn, and I walk as far away from the commotion as I can, the too-loud squeals of children fading in the background as I round a corner.
My back pressed against the exterior of the building, I palm my phone, staring at Winter’s name highlighted, finger hovering over the send button. Without second-guessing myself, I press it and wait as the line rings. My heart sinks when her voice mail picks up, then beeps, waiting for my message.
I take a deep breath, blowing it out slowly. “Hey, it’s me. I was hoping I wouldn’t get your voice mail, that I could talk to you. I don’t even know if you’ll listen to this…I don’t know if you’ve listened to any of them. But I had to try one last time.” With my head down, hand in my pocket, I kick a stray rock, trying to find the words to tell her everything. “I…I’m leaving, Winter. Tomorrow. I got a job offer as a sous chef for a restaurant in Chicago, and I took it.” I close my eyes, press my thumb and forefinger to them.
“I just…I wanted to tell you why. Why I decided to take it. It’s because of you. You’re the reason I decided to even try for this. That day in your apartment, when we were talking about what we wanted after graduation, what you said…it stuck with me. You were right. I want you to know I listened to everything you said. All of it. Even the shit I didn’t want to. I never meant to swoop in and rescue you. And I can’t tell you how sorry I am for stepping in even after you asked me not to. I just…I protect the people I love. That’s who I am. It’s what I’ve always done, even before my mom died. And I love you. Still. Even after everything you told me. I don’t ca—” The beep of the voice mail cuts me off.
With a frustrated groan, I end the call and scrub my hand over the top of my head, eyes clenched. “Shit. Fuck.”
“You should probably watch your language. There are children around.”
I whip my head toward the voice. Her voice. Winter stands a few feet from me, hands fidgeting at her side. Her cheeks are red, her eyes bright, and Christ, the distance I saw her at today didn’t do her justice. She’s breathtaking.
I’m momentarily speechless, and when my mouth finally works, the only thing I can think to ask is, “What are you doing here?”
She smiles, just the slightest curve of her lips, and it’s the best thing I’ve seen in days. “I ran into someone earlier who told me where I could find you.”
Tilting my head to the side, brow furrowed, I ask, “You asked where you could find me?”
She nods, stepping closer, and I want to pull her to my chest, feel her curves under my hands after so long, sink my fingers into her hair, bury my face against her neck and inhale. Instead, I stay rooted in place, waiting.
“I, um, I graduated today.”
I try to get a read on her. Did she see me? Is that why she’s here, to tell me once and for all to stay out of her life? Nodding, I say, “I know. I saw. I’m proud of you, Winter.”
“You…” Her eyes widen, a glossy sheen filling them before she looks to the ground, shaking her head. “I didn’t know for sure if it was you, but I hoped.”
“You did?”
She nods, meeting my gaze again. “I ran straight off the stage, searched for you in the parking lot, and when I didn’t find you, I went to your house.”
“I wasn’t there.”
“Nope.”
My mind is finally catching up, filling in the blanks, matching the time she would’ve been at the house with the time my sister had to run back home. “Tessa was.”
“Yeah.”
“She told you?”
“Just where you were going to be tonight, and that I shouldn’t wait until tomorrow.”
The thought of what tomorrow will bring means something completely different now that Winter’s standing in front of me. Before, tomorrow would’ve just been another day I didn’t get to hear her voice or see her face. But now…tomorrow is full of possibilities. Possibilities I won’t be around for.
[Reluctant Hearts 01.0] Caged in Winter Page 22
