“You go ahead and say such horrible things about me, if it makes you feel better. But don’t ever let me hear you say that you didn’t mean anything to me. You don’t get to take that away from me. I’m sorry that you’ve been so hurt, I truly am, but I’m not the one that will hurt you—believe me or not, it’s the truth.”
Chapter 20
Ella stared at him as her chest burned with fear and anger. Underneath it all was an undeniable buzz of pleasure. Dane’s words rolled through her mind, but she didn’t really hear them. His touch against her skin made it hard for her to concentrate on her resistance. She thought the heat of his kiss—the way it had consumed her with passion—was a telling sign that he wasn’t as inexperienced as he claimed. His kiss had awakened things in her that she had no control over.
Even though she was soaked from the rain, she didn’t even consider walking away. She wanted nothing more than to slap him—but at the same time kiss him again. It was quite possibly the most confusing experience of her life.
“How can I know that?” She searched his expression. She wanted to believe that she meant everything to him, but how could she trust it? She could see the mixture of his anger and desire in the tension of his jaw and the reddening of his cheeks.
His breath was ragged as he moved closer to her in an attempt to shield her from the rain. Was it from passion? From fear? She was in too much of a panic to be able to tell.
“You can’t.” He slid his hands down from her wrists so that they were palm to palm. “You have to take me for what I am. I can’t make you any promises, Ella. I can’t prove myself to you, when you’ve already made up your mind about me. I came on this vacation to spend time with my son. I didn’t come here to meet someone—to feel the way I do about you. I never expected this, not now, not in the future—not ever, really. All of this is a surprise to me. I can’t tell you why, or how, but I want to know what comes next. Don’t you?” He gave her hands a light squeeze.
Ella stared into his eyes. She wanted to believe him. It would be so simple to just believe him. But her mind was fogged by the passion that still throbbed through her at the memory of his kiss.
It seemed impossible to make the right choice. One day he was Captain Innocent, afraid to even see her skirt hiked up, the next he kissed her in a way that she was sure would have ended with them sprawled out in the sand. It wasn’t her imagination that he was sending mixed signals. What she couldn’t figure out was why.
He looked down on her for her lifestyle. Maybe he didn’t come right out and say it, but she could tell. Yet she was sure that he wouldn’t deny her again if she offered. He was a hypocrite—she was sure of it—and far more manipulative than she gave him credit for.
Just like Louis. Louis, who would whisper in her ear the hundreds of things that he loved about her, who would worship her as if she was a goddess, who, in the end, laughed at her pleas for marriage counseling and a chance to fix things between them.
“No.” She shook her head and drew her hands sharply from his.
He took a slight step back, and his eyes widened.
“No, Dane. The fun is over. I want nothing to do with you. I’m not as stupid as you think I am.”
“What?” He reached for her hand.
She jerked it out of his reach before he could touch it.
“Ella, I don’t think you’re stupid at all—just hurting.”
“Oh, and you know so much about me? What? Am I wounded?” She laughed. “I’m strong—that’s your problem with me. I know what I want, and I’m not afraid to take it. That doesn’t make me wounded. Guess what, Dane? I don’t want you. You’re classic. An old-fashioned guy that sees an independent woman and thinks he can dress her up and make her a housewife. The fact that you would use your wife’s memory to pull me into your twisted little game doesn’t make me feel sorry for you, it makes me feel sorry for her!”
Dane lunged toward her so fast that she was sure he might strike out at her. Instead he captured her face between the softness of his palms and guided her to look directly at him.
“Look at me.” She closed her eyes. “Look at me, Ella. I’m not going to leave you alone until you look at me.”
Reluctantly she opened her eyes and looked into his. She wasn’t sure if it was the rain between them, or if there were actually tears in his eyes. “I’m not that person. I know that you know that. I know that you’ve seen me, just as I’ve seen you.”
She reached up and pulled his hands away from her cheeks. She didn’t attempt to hold on to them. Her heart ached with the need to kiss him again, but she ignored it. She had trusted her instincts once, and they’d led her in the absolute wrong direction. There was no way she could know for certain that Dane wasn’t just like Louis. Her romance with Louis had been intense—and quick—and then gone.
She’d only met Dane the day before, and he’d played it off like he was shy and withdrawn. Now he expected her to believe that he was smitten with her? She didn’t buy it. Not for a second.
“I’m here to discover myself, Dane, not to let you discover me.”
“That kiss said something different.” He squinted through the rain. “Are you really going to deny that?”
“I’ve been here before. It doesn’t end well. What you’re feeling isn’t love, Dane—if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m nothing more than the first woman to give you attention since your wife. I’m new and shiny, and maybe there’s something about me that you like. But that won’t last. You’ll tire of me, or I’ll tire of you, and then it will be over. The men I date—they know it’s just a brief encounter and they don’t want more from me. I can tell from the look in your eyes that you want too much. Neither of us knew what we were getting into. Now we do. So let’s just leave it at that.”
She took a step back from him and willed the rain to create a curtain between them. She didn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes. She didn’t want to wonder if she was wrong.
Chapter 21
There was no reason for Dane to still be standing there and yet he was. The rain poured down over his face, his chest, his back. He should have been cold, or at least uncomfortable, but it didn’t even occur to him to seek shelter.
Ella had made it clear that she didn’t want anything to do with him. She’d said incredibly hurtful things to him. He had every right to be furious with her. But he just couldn’t walk away.
He kept waiting for her to feel what he felt, to understand that it wasn’t something that she could control, just like it wasn’t something that he could control. He thought if he waited long enough, she’d let down her guard and embrace him.
He looked at her, willing her to take it all back.
She stared at him for a moment before she turned to walk away.
Dane knew that if he didn’t make a move, he wasn’t going to have another chance. He had no idea how much he wanted her until he thought of not ever being able to have her. When Pam died, he was certain there would be no one else. Yet here was this impossible connection between him and this woman that he’d never seen coming. How could he just ignore that? Clearly, she was willing to just throw it away. He didn’t want to allow that.
He reached out and wrapped his arm around her waist.
She turned back to look at him. “What are you doing?” Her eyes narrowed, but she didn’t pull away.
“I told you I wouldn’t let go. If you can look me in the eye and tell me that you want me to go, I will. If you truly don’t feel what I feel, then I’ll leave you alone, but you have to tell me.”
“Stop it, Dane.” She rolled her eyes and started to pull away.
He tightened his grasp on her. “Tell me to go, Ella. That’s all you have to do. I promise you, I’m not here to harass you. If you can look me in the eye and tell me to go, I will never bother you again.”
“You think you can control everything, don’t you?” She glared at him.
“Aren’t you the one that’s trying to control this? Trying to stop it bec
ause you’re scared?”
“I’m not scared.” She curled back into his body and stared him straight in the eye.
“I don’t want you to be afraid.” He barely whispered the words.
“I’m not afraid.” She leaned a little closer to him.
“Then why? Why can’t you say it?” He searched her eyes for any sign of the warmth that he knew was there.
She stared back for a moment, then suddenly pressed her lips to his.
Just as he sought to kiss her in return she pulled back, right out of his arms.
“I want you to go, Dane.”
He reached up and covered his mouth to keep from saying the things he wanted to. He wanted to accuse her of being cruel, even wicked. He wanted to demand to know why every man in her life before him had gotten whatever they wanted of her, but she wasn’t willing to give him a chance. Most of all he wanted her to be lying.
He closed his eyes in an attempt to calm his temper. When he opened them again she was already several feet away from him. The rain made the distance seem even further.
True to his word, he didn’t go after her. Maybe his imagination had run wild. Maybe she wasn’t anything more than a woman on vacation who thought he might be good company. Maybe the kiss that had turned him inside out was nothing more than a simple kiss to her.
His shoulders slumped with defeat. It didn’t matter what the truth was. She didn’t want to see what might happen next, which meant that it was over. He wasn’t going to beg—not any more than he already had—to demand more than he had of her.
“Goodbye, Ella.” The wind whipped his words into oblivion, but he felt better for saying them.
He turned and walked back toward the hotel. Each raindrop that struck him felt like an assault.
By the time he reached the door of the hotel, the hurt was gone, and anger pumped through his veins. He’d exposed himself to her in a way that he hadn’t ever before—perhaps even with Pam—and all she’d done was walk away.
Maybe she’d done them both a favor.
He shivered in the elevator as he rode up to his floor. When he stepped into the hotel room, Thomas was just waking up.
“Dad?” He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. “What happened to you?”
“What happened to you?” Dane snapped in return. “I thought this vacation was supposed to be time for us. You can’t even wake up?” His heart pounded. In the back of his mind he knew he was taking his anger at Ella out on his son, but he couldn’t stop it.
“I’m sorry. I was out late. I met this girl—”
“Save it. I don’t want to hear about it.” Dane pushed open the door to the bathroom and turned on the shower. He slipped out of his soaked swim trunks and gripped the sink to try to calm down. As the water heated up, he stared at his reflection in the mirror. He saw the lines on his face, the darkness under his eyes.
“How stupid are you?” He glared at himself. “A woman like that doesn’t want an old man like you.” He shook his head and stepped into the shower.
As the warm water coasted along his skin he reached up and pressed his hand against his chest. His heart still pounded at the memory of her touch. He groaned through the rush of the water and squeezed his eyes shut. If only he’d never met her. For years he’d been perfectly fine alone. Now every time he closed his eyes, all he could picture was her.
Chapter 22
Ella was almost at her cottage when someone shouted.
“What are you doing out in the rain?”
She looked toward the voice. A woman stood in the doorway of another cottage, not far from hers. It took her a moment, but Ella recognized her as the woman she’d met the day before at the salon.
“I’m just on my way inside.” She continued walking.
“Wait a minute—why don’t you come in? The rain will pass in a few minutes.”
Ella sighed. The last thing she wanted was to be seen by anyone, but Jillian had offered good advice the day before. Maybe she’d be able to help Ella sort out what had just happened.
“Sure.” Ella turned and walked toward her.
Jillian held the door open.
Ella stepped inside. “I’m sorry. I’m dripping all over your floor.”
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll get you a towel.” Jillian disappeared into her bathroom for a moment. When she came back she held out a towel for Ella.
Ella took it and wrapped it around her body. “Thanks.”
“So what happened?” Jillian stared at her.
“What do you mean?”
“You weren’t out walking in the rain for no reason. Plus, those streaks on your face aren’t from rain—those are tears, honey.”
“No.” Ella tightened the towel around her. “I wasn’t crying.”
“You still are.” Jillian narrowed her eyes. “I can see the tears in your eyes. What happened? Did your friendly date end up breaking your heart?”
“It’s not like that.” Ella sighed and leaned against the wall.
“So tell me.” Jillian pulled a chair over and sat down across from where Ella sat on the couch. “We’ve got some time until the rain stops.”
“Why do you want to know?” Ella eyed her suspiciously.
“It’s kind of what I do. I’m a life coach—and I specialize in romance.”
“Oh, great.” Ella rolled her eyes. “I highly doubt that you can help me.”
“Why is that? You haven’t given me a chance.” Jillian grinned.
She appeared unfazed by Ella’s harsh tone.
“Look, romance isn’t what I’m trying to find—it seems to be my problem.”
“Why is it your problem?”
“Because that friendly date turned into something else—something I didn’t expect.”
“Oh. You fell for him, huh?”
“Of course not. We’ve only just met.”
“That doesn’t mean anything. If you meet the right person, it can happen in an instant—an hour, a day even.” Jillian smiled warmly. “Trust me, I’ve seen it.”
“Yes, well, so have I. My ex-husband told me he loved me on our first date. He proposed to me within the month and we married the month after. I know all about love at first sight. It’s not love. It’s lust.”
“It can be.” Jillian stood up. “Let me get you some tea.”
Jillian walked into the small kitchen and prepared them both a mug of tea.
While she was gone, Ella thought about what she’d done. If only she hadn’t told Dane to go, but she’d thought it was the right thing to do at the time. He’d challenged her and she had lied. It was the only way she could be safe, the only way she could prevent herself from hurting him.
Jillian returned and handed her a mug of tea. Ella accepted it with trembling hands.
“Are you cold? I might have some clothes that would fit you.”
“No, I’m not cold.” Ella blinked back the tears that threatened to form.
“Oh.” Jillian sat down and reached out to pat her knee. “It’s okay. If it’s real, nothing is going to stop it.”
“I already stopped it.”
“How?”
Ella closed her eyes. “I said—oh—horrible things.”
“Words can do some serious damage. But I bet you weren’t as harsh as you think.”
“No, trust me. I was pretty horrible.”
“What did you say?”
“I told him that I felt sorry for his deceased wife. I told him he lied about his grief over losing her.”
“Ouch.” Jillian grimaced. “That’s pretty bad.”
“Yes. And even after all that, he still tried to hold on to me. He told me he wouldn’t give up unless I told him to go.”
‘So what did you do?” Jillian leaned closer.
“I told him to go.” Ella shook her head and looked down into her mug of tea. “And I don’t regret it.”
“Why not? You obviously care about him or you wouldn’t be so upset.”
“Because he isn’t th
e type of man to just have some fun. He’s the type of man that falls in love, that expects forever.”
“And that’s a problem?”
“For me it is.” Ella sighed and took a sip of her tea. “All I want is fun.”
“Ah, so you’re a liar.”
“What?” Ella glared at her.
“It’s true.”
“You don’t know that. Maybe that is all I want. I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to pin my hopes on a man who turns out to be an illusion.”
“Or maybe you don’t know what you want. Maybe you’re trying to convince yourself that you never want to be in love again, when deep down you wanted to tell him to stay.” She tilted her head to the side. “But that’s not really the important question.”
“It’s not?” Ella looked at her. “What is, then?”
“Why do you think that you don’t deserve love, Ella?”
Ella stared at her with her mouth half open. “I don’t think that. I just don’t want it.”
“Everyone wants it. It’s in our nature to love and be loved, Ella. The people that fight it are those that have been hurt, those that have come to believe that they don’t deserve it for some reason. If you figure out why you feel that way, then you can begin to heal from it.”
“I don’t deserve love.” She tapped her finger on her mug. “I’ve never really thought about that.”
“Let’s take your Romeo. What if you told him to stay? What if he was everything he claimed to be? What if you were madly in love? What do you think would happen next?”
Her question reminded Ella of Dane asking her if she wanted to see what came next. It made her flinch. “He’d leave, or I would—or we’d just end up hating one another.”
“And you believe this because?”
“Because I was in love once. I was in love and it didn’t matter. He still left me. It destroyed me. I can’t risk that again.”
“But here you are. You could have ignored this man from the beginning. What made you try to develop something with him?”
“I was curious.”
“You were drawn to the fact that you felt a connection with him. You were drawn to the potential for love. You may claim that you don’t want to risk that, but the truth is, you’re dying to give it a go. Aren’t you?”
Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 1 - 4 Page 20
