“I’m sorry for your loss.” He met her eyes then. She continued to hold his hand in hers and he didn’t pull away. “That must be a terrible thing to lose your parents that way.”
“It was.” She drew a deep breath. “But it wasn’t my fault. Just like whatever you think you did, likely wasn’t your fault.”
“It was.” He lowered his eyes. “I’m not sure how or why, but I know that it was.”
“Why don’t we get this wine open and talk about it?”
He waited for the moment when she’d realize that she was still holding his hand. Surely she would break the connection. Instead, even as he turned to step out of the bathroom, Jillian still held his hand. It wasn’t until she reached the patio door that she let go.
“Go on out. I’ll get us some glasses and meet you there.”
He held her gaze for a moment. His mind filled with things that he thought he should tell her. Yes, I destroyed my marriage. No, I don’t want to talk about it. How can you be so nice to me? But instead of speaking, he did as she asked and stepped out onto the patio.
The cool night air sent a chill along his spine. The memory of her hand wrapped around his warmed him once more. He sat down in one of the chairs and waited.
A moment later Jillian emerged with two full glasses of wine. “Here you go.” She handed him one.
He took it, noticing that the bandage around his hand was much more secure than it had been before she’d fixed it for him.
“Why are you doing this, Jillian?”
“Doing what?” She sat down across from him with her own glass of wine.
“Being so nice?” He frowned.
“Do you think there’s a catch?” She grinned at him. “That I’m running some kind of con on you?”
“I think that you have a right to never speak to me again, and I’m just wondering why you’re even talking to me.” He held up one of his hands. “Why you’d do this for me?”
“Mateo, we got off on the wrong foot. I know that. I’m not one to judge a man during his darkest hour. I’ve done some pretty terrible things in my hardest moments.” She tilted her head to the side. “I imagine that whatever you’re going through is what’s driving all this anger in you. So what is it?”
He looked away from her again and took a sip of his wine. “I don’t really talk about things like that.”
She took a drink of her wine. “Give it up. I’m not going to leave you alone until you do.” She smiled and he knew that she was teasing.
He shot a heated look in her direction, but his anger faded. “A bad divorce.”
“Ah.” She nodded. “I’ve counseled many people dealing with that.”
“You’re a counselor?”
“A life coach.” She shrugged. “Not quite the same thing, but trust me, there’s a lot of venting and healing involved. Why don’t you tell me about your wife?”
“She’s not my wife. Not any more. I don’t need you to coach me.” He gripped his wineglass as tension flooded him. “It’s over.”
“Maybe for her, but clearly not for you.” Jillian hid her face by taking a long drink of her wine.
When she set the glass back down again he stared at her. “It’s over for me.”
“Romantically perhaps, but relationships are far more than that. Your frustration, your heartbreak, your grief—that is all part of the healing process.”
“Please, don’t.” He frowned. “I don’t want to be analyzed.”
“Sorry. Force of habit. You’re absolutely right. This is a glass of wine between neighbors.” She held up her glass. “Welcome to the neighborhood, Mateo.”
He raised his glass and clinked it against hers. “Thank you, Jillian.” He regarded her for a long moment. “You live alone?”
“Yes.” She smiled a little. “For the moment.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You’re in the market for a roommate?”
“My ex-boyfriend moved out a few months ago. I imagine eventually someone else might move in.”
“Really?” He tilted his head to the side. “Why a boyfriend and not a husband?”
“Now who’s analyzing?” She laughed.
“Sorry.” He swallowed the last of his wine. “It just seems odd to me that you’re alone.”
“I guess I don’t really see it as being alone. I enjoy my life as it is, and if someone comes along who I enjoy spending time with, I follow that desire.” She twirled her wineglass between her fingers. “No stress, no harm.”
He laughed and shook his head. “My entire marriage was stress, and trust me, there is plenty of harm.”
“Sometimes we end up with the wrong person. That shouldn’t stop you from moving forward and looking forward to a new mate.”
“In fact it should.” He pushed his glass back toward her as he stood up. “I will never, ever, be making that mistake again. Thanks for the help and the wine. I’ll try to start work after ten tomorrow. Will that give you enough time in the morning?”
“More than enough.” She looked into his eyes. “You don’t have to go, Mateo.”
“Yes, actually I do.” His gaze lingered on her. The moonlight gave her an ethereal glow. His heart raced as he recalled her touch. Despite his determination to keep his distance, he had the distinct and nearly irresistible desire to kiss her.
Chapter 15
It crossed Jillian’s mind that she might have pushed Mateo a little too far. The way he retreated from the table indicated fear to her. But why would he be afraid of her? Maybe she touched on subjects that he didn’t want to talk about?
She sat back in her chair as she watched him walk away. It was strange to her that yet again she felt a sense of disappointment at his absence. He interested her. Why, she couldn’t be sure.
As she stood up from the table and collected the wineglasses she wondered how Angela’s date had gone. She decided that the best way to distract herself from the subtle urge that she was feeling within her was to involve herself in her client’s issues.
Once inside the house, she logged onto Forty and Free. Right away she noticed a message from Angela. She was requesting a phone call.
Jillian settled on her sofa with her phone.
Angela answered on the first ring. “Hello? Jillian?”
“Yes. How’d it go?”
“I can’t do this any more, Jillian. I appreciate all you’ve done for me, but I just can’t do romance.”
“Take a deep breath, Angela. Sometimes things can seem devastating at first, but when you calm down and talk through them, it’s not so bad.”
“How about the fact that I threw a drink in his face?”
“What?” Jillian’s mouth dropped open. “Why?”
“We got into a conversation about politics and one thing led to another—”
“Angela. What is the first rule of dinner conversation?”
“No hot topics. But in my defense, he started it.”
“I’ve given you ways to avoid the conversation.”
“I know. But he was just so arrogant and not very well-informed.”
“So he was not the right match for you.” Jillian smiled a little as she thought of the woman tossing the drink. “That’s no reason to give up.”
“None of them are the right fit, Jillian. I’ve been on this dating app for a long time and I’ve not met a single man that I want a second date with. It’s exhausting, and frustrating, and I don’t feel like I’m getting any benefit from it. Why can’t I just be single and move on with my life?”
“You absolutely could do that, if that’s what you really want. But I don’t think that’s what you really want.”
“It doesn’t matter. It would be better to be alone than to face another one of these tedious experiences. Look, the truth is, if there’s any chance that I would actually want to be with another man, he’d have to be incredible. Let’s face it, I’m not the type of woman that an incredible man falls in love with.”
“I don’t agree with that. I think you just
need to keep trying. Your incredible man is going to show his face eventually. When he does, all of this will have been worth it.”
“Or maybe he’ll just break my heart.”
“Not if he’s the right one.” Jillian sat down on the couch and gazed at the empty fireplace. “If he’s the right one, he’ll ignite a fire within you that will never go out.”
“I’m not sure I believe in there being one right one. I just don’t know any more. I think I might need a break.”
“A break might be a good idea. Maybe instead of scheduling a date for next week, you could plan to go out somewhere—like an open mic night or a local event—something that will expose you to your community.”
“I’ll think about it. Thanks for listening.”
“You’re welcome.”
Jillian hung up the phone and chewed on her lip. No matter how hard she tried with Angela, she couldn’t seem to get through to her to just relax and let things flow. It plucked at her nerves that the woman couldn’t see how amazing she was—how deserving of love she was. But why did it bother Jillian so much?
After showering and climbing into bed, Jillian turned her attention to this question. What was it about her difficulty with Angela that was giving her so much trouble?
As she sorted through her feelings, she noticed that any thought about love seemed to be ruffling her a little. It surprised her that this would be the case. How many times had she told a man she loved him? Plenty. But had she meant it?
Love was an easy word for her to say. She loved her friends, her extended family—she made it a point to love as many people as she could. But when she said she loved the men she dated, did she mean that she was in love with them, or was it just the kind of love she felt for everyone else?
She curled up around her pillow and closed her eyes. Maybe that would explain why she never missed any of the men she was once with. She never felt heartbroken when things ended. Was it because she had never truly been in love?
The thought horrified her. She was a life coach who specialized in romance. How could she counsel women on their romantic choices if she had no personal experience with love herself?
Never once had she felt the kind of anger that seemed to bubble up inside of Mateo. Did that mean she’d never known passion either? If that was the case, then why? What stopped her from allowing that kind of love?
She fell asleep to the memory of her parents dancing before their accident. Their laughter echoed through her mind. She had a beautiful example of romance, of two people who’d adored one another. If it was true that she’d been avoiding love all this time, it made no sense to her.
When Jillian awoke the next morning, she was relieved not to hear music or power tools. She stretched out in bed and yawned. The birds, eager to get to their breakfast, fluttered and tweeted outside the window. Everything was calm again.
Except it wasn’t. Because her first thought was of Mateo.
The way he’d pulled away from her—his resistance to communication—was a challenge to her. She had encountered a few difficult clients, so tightlipped that she pulled their stories out one word at a time. But she always got it. She wanted to do the same thing with Mateo.
But first, it was time to deal with the strange fluctuations in her emotions and her newfound discovery that she might not be as balanced as she thought she was.
She changed into her white gown and settled down in the stream of sunlight that filtered through the tall window. After a few deep breaths, she began to feel lighter—distant from the world around her. All her concerns faded and her mind finally, for the first time in days, cleared.
The first image that came to her mind was Mateo—his eyes, in particular—and the pain they seemed to hold. All at once she experienced a surge of recognition, as if she too was familiar with that kind of pain. But how?
She let the thought go and allowed more to come. She became aware of a tremble in the core of her, followed by thoughts of her parents. Usually these memories provided her with joy, but in the moment, she experienced a sense of fury.
How could she be angry at them? It wasn’t their fault that they were killed in the accident. Though she’d grieved for many years, she’d never been angry at her parents for leaving her. In fact, she’d always felt great comfort in the knowledge that they’d been together when they died.
Where were all of these foreign emotions coming from? Was it possible that there was another layer of herself that she’d yet to discover? The idea caused her eyes to open wide. Maybe there was.
She glossed over the subtle hints that something wasn’t right. If she had a client who had yet to maintain a serious relationship despite the fact that she had many opportunities, her first thought would be commitment issues. But she’d never really considered that for herself.
Jillian left the sanctuary of the window seat to change clothes. Maybe a walk by the lake would help to clear her thoughts as the revelation of her meditation was making her feel more than a little uneasy.
She saw Mateo climbing up a ladder against his house as she stepped outside.
“Too early?” He glanced over his shoulder at her.
“No, it’s perfect timing, actually.” She stared up at him and wondered—how did a stranger have the power to stir up truths within her that she had been avoiding for years?
Chapter 16
“Good.” Mateo tried to concentrate as he turned back to the nail he needed to drive in.
When he swung the hammer, his hyper-awareness of her presence distracted him. He caught the side of his thumb with the hammer.
“Ouch!” He dropped the hammer as he grabbed his thumb.
Jillian bent down and picked it up. When she held it up to him she frowned. “Need some ice?”
“No, I’ll be fine.” He took the hammer from her. “Thanks.”
He narrowed his eyes as he looked back at the nail. Before he could draw the hammer back to take another swing the nail fell out of the wood and down to the ground below. “Ugh! Just what I need!”
The more frustrated he got, the harder it was for him to think about the fact that Jillian was nearby watching his every failure. After the day before, she probably already thought he was a hothead. Seeing it firsthand only made things worse.
He expected her to walk away, but instead she leaned against the wall beside the ladder.
“Can you take a break?”
He looked down at her. “Already?”
“You need to see something beautiful.”
He caught himself before telling her that he’d already seen something beautiful that morning. His body ached from the work he’d done the day before. His hands were still a little sore. The truth was, he could really use the break that she suggested. “Just a short break.” He climbed down the ladder.
“Great.” She took his hand in hers as if it was the most natural thing for her.
He winced at the fresh pain that her grasp caused, but managed to hide it.
“Where are you taking me?” He eyed her suspiciously.
“Just relax, you’re going to like it.”
“Relax? In case you hadn’t notice, that’s not a skill I have.” He laughed.
“Well, it’s a skill that you need to learn. I want to show you the most beautiful thing about living here.”
“Remember, I’m not staying.” He allowed Jillian to lead him down the path toward the lake.
“You’re here now, aren’t you?” She paused to look at him.
“Yes.” His eyes searched hers. “I am here now.”
She grinned and tugged him further along the path. The trees grew thicker by the lake. He noticed that the leaves were a multitude of colors. Despite the fact that his house was right on the lake, he’d yet to explore the woods that surrounded it.
Jillian was quiet as she led the way. It gave him the opportunity to study her in a way that he hadn’t been able to before. Her frame was petite, but strong, and from the way she moved, he guessed she was a very a
ctive person. None of that explained the pull she seemed to have on him though.
“Do you walk here often?”
“Usually every day.” She turned down a path that led closer to the water. “Here, take a look.” She reached back and took his hand again.
When he looked past her at the lake, the vision before him was enough to take his breath away. The lake sloped away from him, while the trees on the other side stretched high against the pale blue sky. He’d looked at the lake before, but this was the first time he’d truly seen it—really taken in the beauty of it.
With her hand still in his he stepped down beside her. “It’s stunning.”
“This is my favorite place to run away to.” She smiled as she glanced over at him.
He looked back at her. “What do you have to run away from? Other than noisy neighbors?”
“Honestly, I’m not sure. I used to think I had everything in balance, but now…I think I may have been lying to myself.”
He looked into her eyes. It fascinated him that she had such an open nature. “Why do you think that?”
“We’re here to look at the view.” She smiled and turned back to the lake.
He saw her shiver. The morning air was a little chilly.
“Are you cold?” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
The motion silenced them both for a few seconds. He knew that he might have overstepped, but she didn’t pull away. In fact, he felt her curve her body close against his.
“What about you, Mateo? What are you running away from?”
He closed his eyes. He knew exactly what he was running away from. “The biggest mistake of my life.”
Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 1 - 4 Page 30
