“That’s not it at all and you know it.” She took a deep breath.
When she spoke again he sensed the strain in her voice.
“You’re in love with someone else.”
“You said a kiss could just be a kiss.” He glanced back at her. “Was that a lie?”
“No.” She lowered her eyes. “It wasn’t a lie. I thought it could be just a kiss. Usually it can be.”
“And now?” He brushed a hand down from the curve of her shoulder to the crease of her palm. “What’s so different?”
“I’m not sure. I’ve been going through some things lately. I think maybe…” She frowned and curved her hand around his. “I think I’m not being fair to you. I might be using you to distract myself from my own problems that I don’t want to face. That’s not fair to you. I don’t want to treat you that way.”
“So, I’m your distraction and you’re mine?” He searched her eyes. “I don’t mind being distracted.” He gripped her hand tight in his and lunged toward her lips for another kiss.
She caught his bottom lip with a light kiss but pulled back right away. “No.” She pulled her hand free of his. “This isn’t right. It’s not healthy. The right thing is for you to move on fully from your relationship and for me to figure out why I might be avoiding genuine intimacy. We can help each other through that but not like this.”
Mateo sighed and ran a hand back through his hair to mask his frustration. “Do you ever wonder if you think too much?”
“I won’t risk hurting you.” She tightened her lips.
He looked back at her with surprise. “You think that you’ll hurt me?”
“I think that we’ll hurt each other, Mateo. Sometimes a connection can be purely physical—but I don’t think that’s true in our case.”
“You’re just afraid of me, aren’t you? Because of my temper?” He frowned. “I don’t blame you.”
“I’m not.” She stroked his cheek. “I’m not afraid of you. I want to be here for you, while you deal with this difficult time. I don’t want to make it worse.”
“That’s nice.” His jaw clenched beneath her touch. “But I’m not interested in being your client. Thanks for the distraction.” He turned and walked back toward his kayak.
With every step, he hoped that she’d call out to him—to stop him—but at the same time, he wished she would just leave him alone. The emotional upheaval he’d experienced in such a short span of time was more than he could take.
He climbed into his kayak and took off across the water. No matter how phenomenal the kiss had been, it had to stay on the island. He couldn’t think about what he’d felt when he’d held her close. There was no reason to. She wanted nothing to do with him, and he wasn’t interested in her analysis. He’d be better off if he just continued to keep to himself.
He stole one glance back at the island and immediately wished that he hadn’t.
Jillian stood there, framed by the multicolored leaves of the trees, her hair stirred by the breeze off the water, looking like a goddess. The sight of her took his breath away, but he forced himself to turn around as he continued to paddle further and further away from where she stood.
Chapter 23
Jillian couldn’t even think about kayaking back just yet. As it was, she could barely draw a breath. Not only was Mateo upset with her, she’d stirred up her own confusion to a torrential level. Was he right? Was she afraid? She chewed on her bottom lip as she watched him paddle away from her view.
Once more she experienced an ache in her stomach at the thought of not seeing him again. It was ridiculous, because they barely knew one another. Whatever connection flooded her mind with illogical thoughts was the result of the dramatic situation he was in and her need for attention. She was sure of it.
She took a deep breath and began to walk around the island. Going home was not an option—not at the moment, anyway. She could still feel his touch—his warmth, the demand of his lips. If she wanted a distraction, she’d certainly found one.
There was no reason for Jillian to doubt her assessment. Mateo needed a way to forget Kate, and she needed a little entertainment. Mixing the two motivations would only lead to disaster. If there was ever a reason for her to believe that she needed to keep a level head, the pain in Mateo’s eyes was it. He was not the type of man who could keep things just physical.
“I’m not going to be the next on your list, Mateo. Enough people have hurt you.” She wrapped her arms around herself and looked up into the tree branches. Sunlight drifted through the colorful leaves in thin streams. She recalled how magical that had once seemed to her.
When she was a young girl, she’d believed that those beams of light were a connection to another world, as if the great mystery of life was held in the rays. It wasn’t until the night of the accident that she’d faced up to the notion that there was no great mystery to be solved. Life was random—sometimes cruel—and indifferent to the emotions of humans.
She sat down in the soil beneath one of the larger trees. Perhaps there was something that she’d missed. Her eyes fell shut and her heart opened. In that moment she recognized that her entire body was swirling out of control. From the speed of her heartbeat to the sweat that trickled down her back, she was out of rhythm with life.
After a few deep breaths she was able to slow down enough to think clearly. Mateo’s influence on her life had inspired her to seek deeper than perhaps she’d ever done before. As soon as her mind was still, a memory flashed through her mind.
She’d lived with her aunt and uncle ever since her parents had died. In the middle of the night, not long before she was due to graduate from high school, she’d heard them arguing.
“We should let her stay as long as she needs. You know what she’s been through,” her aunt pleaded in a dark kitchen with only one dim light over the stove on.
Jillian had been hiding in the hallway listening once she’d sensed that she was the subject of the argument.
“Sure I know, but that wasn’t our fault. We had plans, remember? We were going to see the world. We put those plans on hold because we had to, but that obligation is coming to an end. I want to see the world. That’s why you and I decided not to have kids. Why should we have to put it off any longer?”
“I think you’re being cold.”
“I think I’m being fair. You and I both know that was no accident. He should have known better—”
“—Sh, don’t talk like that. What if she hears you?”
“What if she does? She’s going to have to learn the truth sometime.”
“No. Absolutely not. No good will come from her knowing. It’s not our place to tell her. I know our plans changed, but do you think that little girl planned to grow up without parents?”
“She’s not little any more. I think we need to talk to her about her plans for the future.”
“Fine, we’ll talk to her, but don’t you dare mention the accident.”
The conversation confused her at the time. She informed them the next morning that she planned to move out on her eighteenth birthday and thanked them for taking her in. Not once did she mention overhearing their conversation.
That was her first lesson in gratitude. Her aunt and uncle had sacrificed a lot to make sure she’d had a stable home to live in, and she was grateful for all that they’d done for her. But that conversation surfaced now and then, and she often wondered about it. She was tempted to ask her uncle what he meant, but so much time had passed. Was that another thing that she’d pushed down so far that she believed she’d healed from it?
She sighed and stood up. It was important for her to get to the bottom of it, but there was something she needed to do first.
As she kayaked back across the lake she forced thoughts of Mateo from her mind. For his own protection, she needed to be careful around him, maybe even create as much space as was possible. Mateo needed stability more than anything, and that was not something that she could provide.
W
hen she arrived at the house she noticed Mateo’s music was blasting again. She did her best to avoid being seen as she entered through the back door of her house.
She grabbed her phone and sent a message to Hannah.
Can you meet me for lunch?
A few seconds later her phone beeped.
Harrison’s?
She sent back a text agreeing to the place, then hopped into the shower. As she washed away the dirt and sweat from kayaking, she willed the water to wash away the confusion in her heart as well. She needed something—anything—to allow her to feel balanced again. Hannah was usually able to point her in the right direction, but as out-of-sorts as Jillian was feeling these days, she wasn’t sure that it was even possible.
After she dressed she grabbed her keys and purse. Before she stepped out of the house, she checked around for any sign of Mateo. His music still played, but she didn’t spot him. She took a risk and stepped out of the house.
By the time she reached her car she couldn’t deny the disappointment that tightened her chest. Even though she didn’t want to see him, she still craved him in a strange incomprehensible way.
Chapter 24
Mateo grabbed a beer from the fridge and carried it back to the couch. Even though he had his work music on, he hadn’t accomplished anything. In fact, his toolbox sat closed by the front door. He couldn’t get her out of his head. A long swallow of the cool beer calmed him, but an instant later, his mind swirled again.
Jillian turned him sideways. She occupied his mind.
He kicked his feet up on the coffee table and cringed just a little as Kate’s voice played through his mind.
“Don’t put your feet on the coffee table.”
“I bought it.”
“Your feet are dirty.”
“I’ll clean it.”
“No, you won’t.”
“I will, Kate. Just let me relax.”
“How can you relax knowing that you’re making our home filthy?”
“Kate. I just took a shower.”
“It’s low-class to put your feet on the coffee table. You’re so embarrassing. Why can’t you ever do anything right?”
It was that last comment that had brought him to his feet. A moment later he’d flipped the coffee table over.
“Why should I work to buy things for my home and not be able to enjoy them?”
Then the screaming had started—the reminders of how unreasonable he was, how out of control he was. Her accusations were repeated nearly every day of their marriage until he was sure she was right.
He closed his eyes and rubbed his hand across his forehead. That memory wasn’t his best moment, but all he’d wanted to do was be able to relax in his own home. He took his feet down off the coffee table just so he could put them back up again. Maybe there were some perks to being single after all.
He took another long swallow of beer. If only he’d stayed home that afternoon, then maybe Jillian wouldn’t be so far inside his head. The more he thought about it, the more he understood her point of view, but he feared that there wasn’t much chance his heart would come to terms with the logic.
Whether Jillian was a passing fancy or not, there was no question that Mateo wanted her. That was not likely to change any time soon. With her right next door, he had no idea how he was going to resist. Maybe if he stayed locked up in the house. Maybe if he never saw her again.
“Not going to happen.” He sighed and finished his beer.
When there was a knock on the door he jumped. Was it Jillian? He stood up and smoothed down his shirt. He ran his fingers back through his hair. The knock got louder. He peered through the peephole to make sure it wasn’t Kate.
When he saw who it was he laughed and opened the door. “Antonio, what are you doing here?”
“I came to see you, little bro—and your new place.” He glanced around as he stepped inside. “Nice—if you like that just moved in sorta look.”
“What’s the point of unpacking? I’m going to sell it.”
“You have to live between then and now, you know.”
“I know. What are you really doing here?” He eyed his brother suspiciously. Although he and Antonio were close, it wasn’t like him to show up out of the blue.
“I heard that Kate showed up today.”
“How did you hear that?” Mateo raised an eyebrow.
Antonio pulled out his phone and pulled up a post. “She’s told the whole world how miserable you are—how you’re still in love with her.” He met Mateo’s eyes. “I wasn’t sure if you saw it or not.”
“No, I have her blocked on everything.” Mateo cringed at the description he read. The worst part was that she wasn’t entirely wrong.
“But she’s still under your skin, hm?”
“I can’t shake her. Want a beer?”
“No, I’ll take a water.”
Mateo ducked into the kitchen. Antonio had his hands inside a box when he returned.
“What are you looking for?” Mateo handed him the water.
“Your balls.” Antonio smirked.
“Shut up.” Mateo narrowed his eyes.
“I mean it.” Antonio straightened up. “How are you letting her run all over you like this?”
“It’s not like I have a choice. What do you expect me to do?”
“Get a lawyer, go back after her, stand up for yourself, Mateo.”
“You don’t understand. It’s not like that. I can’t take anything from her. I can’t even be in the same room as her. The anger—it’s just too much.”
“You can’t hide from her forever. She’s going to be around until you face her. You should take everything from her. She doesn’t deserve any of it. I saw the way she treated you, and now she’s dragging your name through the mud. You can’t let this go on.”
“I don’t have it in me.”
“Why not?” He frowned. “You still have feelings for her?”
“I don’t know.”
Antonio knocked him in the forehead with the palm of his hand, just hard enough to make Mateo glare at him. “You’re an idiot.”
“You think I don’t know that?” He scowled at his brother. “I just don’t know how not to be.”
“You start by letting the lawyers handle it so she has no reason to show up here.”
Mateo sat down on the couch and scrubbed the heels of his hands along his forehead. “I just want to give up, Antonio. You know I never wanted it to end.”
“It has. And it should have. It was long overdue. She was no good for you.”
“Stop. Stop talking about her like that. She’s my wife.”
“No, Mateo, she’s not.” Antonio crossed his arms. “She divorced you. She broke you, and now you’re letting her take everything from you. You’re stronger than this. I know you are. If you keep wallowing like this, she’s going to keep preying on you, and one day when you wake up to what a mess you’ve made, it’ll be too late to do anything about it.”
“It’s already too late. Like you said—she broke me.”
“No.” Antonio crouched down in front of Mateo and met his eyes. “We never break. Hm? No matter what happens—you and I—we never break.”
“Maybe you, Antonio. Why would you break? You have Sasha. She’s perfect.”
“She’s not perfect. Neither am I. But we love each other the way we are. You’ll find someone like that.”
Mateo shook his head as thoughts of Jillian filled his mind. “No. I don’t think that I will. I mean, I don’t want to. I’m done with all that. I don’t ever want to feel this way again.”
“Then she wins. No matter what she takes from you, she will win—because she’s taken your future from you.”
“What future? I’m well past my prime. It’s not like women are lining up to catch a man like me. I’ve found gray hairs, you know that?”
“Stop it.” Antonio rolled his eyes. “The right woman isn’t going to care about gray hair.”
“Did you come here just to d
rive me crazy?” Mateo stood up from the couch. “I’ve had enough of that today.”
“Fine, I’ll go. Stand up for yourself, bro. Don’t let her push you around. She didn’t know what she had. She doesn’t deserve you.”
“Thanks.”
“I mean it, Mateo.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Mateo walked him to the door. “Go home to your beautiful wife.”
A pang of guilt carried through him. Antonio managed to keep his wife happy and his marriage strong, something that Mateo felt he’d failed at.
“No more wallowing, hm?” Antonio waved to him as he walked to his car.
Mateo closed the door and rested his head against it. He trusted his brother more than anyone in the world, but that didn’t mean that he’d take his advice.
Chapter 25
Jillian walked into the restaurant with a nervous glance around. For some reason she felt as if everyone there would know what had happened on the island. The sensation of exposure caused her to hurry to the table where she saw Hannah waiting for her.
“Hi there.” Hannah smiled at her. Her smile faded as she studied Jillian’s face. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m not ready to talk about it just yet. Let’s order first.”
“Okay.” Hannah frowned.
Once the orders were placed and the food was brought to the table, Jillian took a deep breath. “I’ve been neglecting my client.”
“What?”
“Angela. I haven’t texted or called. I feel like I’m letting her slip.”
“Why? That’s not like you.”
“Because I’m distracted.” She shook her head. “I’ve never felt this distracted before, Hannah.”
“Everyone has their off days, Jillian. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“But what if I can’t help her? What if I’m not as capable as I think I am? Of helping her, I mean.”
“Wait a minute, that’s a big leap from just feeling distracted. What’s going on with you?” She popped a French fry into her mouth.
“I’m starting to think that all the work I did on myself was for nothing.”
“Why?” Hannah frowned. “You’ve put in a lot of time and effort. You should be proud of what you’ve accomplished.”
Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 1 - 4 Page 33
