As soon as it was closed, her smile faded. Her body was chilled by her experience. Maybe seeing Mateo in her vision could be explained away, but why had that beautiful moment melted into the most tragic memory of her life? What was the connection between the way she felt for Mateo and the night of her parents’ accident? She couldn’t figure it out. The more she tried the more frustrated she became.
She decided to head out to the backyard to try to go into a deeper state of meditation there. She wanted more than anything to pinpoint the problem and clear it from her mind.
The trickling water of the fountain calmed her nerves. With every breath she took, she reminded herself to relax, to release, and to be open to her true feelings. She’d mastered many things in her life and she was determined to master her own emotions.
As her mind eased into a more peaceful place she hoped that she’d gain some insight.
A moment later she was gazing into Mateo’s eyes. It was as if he was right there before her. No pain darkened his eyes. No fear weighed them. They were wide open and she was lost in that unique shade of brown.
It occurred to her that he shouldn’t be there. That she should be in an introspective place, not a daydreaming place. But none of that mattered when she looked into his eyes.
Afloat on the pleasure of his presence she drifted, until she heard a subtle sound. At first she ignored it, but as it got louder it was too disruptive.
She opened her eyes and looked into those same cinnamon eyes. She blinked and wondered if she’d somehow lost sense of space and time.
After a few seconds she realized that it wasn’t her imagination.
Mateo’s eyes met hers.
Chapter 28
When Mateo saw Jillian step out through the back door he intended to greet her and ask to borrow sugar. He didn’t need any sugar, but it was all part of the plan.
When she walked from her house directly to her meditation spot, he couldn’t take his eyes off her as she sat down and crossed her legs. Although he was vaguely aware of the purpose of meditation, Mateo had never engaged in it himself.
Jillian looked as if she’d been practicing it all her life. Her body looked relaxed and her eyes were closed. By then, it was too late for him to interrupt and far too late for him to look away from the serene beauty that crossed her features. He was aware that he was encroaching on her privacy, but technically he was still on his property. He convinced himself that it would do no harm.
As he observed Jillian, he noticed the peaceful state she seemed to easily slip into. He expected to be irritated by it, but instead, he longed for it. He wondered how she was able to simply be still—to be so calm. He always felt the urge to move, to roam, to avoid being in his own head for too long. The thought of sitting for such a length of time without a twitch or a cough seemed impossible to him.
He was sure that she must have fallen asleep.
He took a few steps, and he was off his property. Another two steps and he was standing dangerously close to her. He noticed her lashes flutter. His heart raced. What would he say when she spotted him there? How could he explain himself?
It was too late to think about it when her eyes opened and looked into his.
“I’m sorry.” He stumbled over his words. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.” He braced himself for her fury. She had every right to be angry. He’d invaded her property, interrupted her meditation, and violated her request for distance. Yet the serene smile on her lips did not seem angry at all.
She reached up and took his hand. “Do you want to join me?”
“Oh, I don’t think I could.” He frowned.
“Just sit.” She tilted her head to the space in front of her. “It’s okay. There aren’t any hoops to jump through.”
He studied her for a moment. The idea seemed a little silly to him, but the grasp of her hand on his influenced him to comply. “Okay, but I’ve never done this before.”
“You’ve probably done it more than you think. When you’re working on a project and you zone out—that’s a form of meditation. Or when you’ve been driving for some time and end up forgetting where you are, that can be a form of meditation too—and not a very safe one.”
“What’s the point of it, though?” He settled down in front of her. “I doubt I can get Zen.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been Zen.” She laughed. “I use it as a tool to break through all the layers of busy days and get to the core of what really matters to me. If my mind is clear, I find I make better choices for myself. If I’m stuck on something, or upset by something, some time in meditation usually fixes that for me.”
“I’m not sure that will work for me.”
“It’s okay if it doesn’t. There’s no right or wrong. It’s just a little time spent. Maybe you’ll gain something from it, maybe you won’t.” She smiled at him. “I’d be honored if you’d try it with me.”
Mateo considered whether to participate or just fake it. He doubted that she’d be able to tell the difference, but he thought it was better to be as honest as he could. The fact that he’d be about to spend the time with her was benefit enough for him.
He followed her through the process of deep breathing, but he had a hard time keeping his eyes closed. He wanted to see her, not the inside of his eyelids.
Once she seemed to back in her peaceful state, he opened his eyes. He watched her as she traveled through the inner regions of her mind. Not a hint of stress tightened her features, until, after some time, he noticed that her lips tightened. Her chin began to tremble.
His eyes widened as tears began to travel down her cheeks. Of all the things he expected to witness, such pure sorrow wasn’t one of them. Jillian always seemed so happy, so at peace. What would cause her to cry like this?
He knew enough about meditation to think it probably wasn’t appropriate to interrupt her, but he couldn’t just let her cry. With the lightest touch he could manage, he wiped the tears from one cheek and then the other.
She sighed as if she was relieved by the caresses. But the tears continued to flow.
He scooted closer to her and took her hands in his.
“I’m here, Jillian.” He kept his voice to a whisper.
Her lashes fluttered, but her eyes didn’t open.
“It’s okay, you can tell me.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. You’re not alone. I’m here to listen.”
Jillian squeezed her eyes shut. Then she opened them. Her bright blue eyes were rimmed with red from the tears.
“Mateo, I’m so sorry. I must be confused.”
He held her gaze. “What did you experience?”
“A memory, but it can’t be real.” Her mouth twisted with anguish. “It’s not.”
“Maybe you just need to get it out.” He squeezed her hands. “It’s just you and me.”
“My parents died in a car accident—an accident. I always thought it was the other driver’s fault.”
“It wasn’t?” He searched her eyes.
“I remember my mother and father dancing together. They were laughing so loud. Then she told him she wanted to go for a drive. He refused. I thought he was being a gentleman. But he was laughing so loud, and when they walked out the door, my mother wasn’t laughing any more.”
He released one of her hands to stroke her cheek. “What do you think happened?”
She closed her eyes and trembled. “They weren’t dancing because they were so happy, they were dancing because he was drunk. Why didn’t I ever remember this? Why did I think he was so innocent?”
“Maybe you needed him to be. Maybe it was easier for you to believe that their love was strong and perfect.” He lowered his eyes. “I’m sorry.” When he looked back up at her again she blinked back tears.
“How could I be so wrong all these years?”
“I don’t think you were wrong. Your father made a mistake. He drank too much, and he made a grave mistake. But that doesn’t mean they didn’t love ea
ch other—and you. It doesn’t mean that the home life you remember wasn’t real. It made you who you are.”
“A lie?” She shook her head and wiped angrily at her eyes with her free hand. “All this time it’s been a lie. No wonder I can’t be truly intimate with anyone. I’m such a fool.”
Chapter 29
Even as the memory resurfaced Jillian tried to deny it. But little things began to fit into place—the whispered words between her mother’s relatives, the argument between her aunt and uncle. Her parents died because her father drank too much and got behind the wheel. It was still tragic, but now she understood that her father had a problem with alcohol. In an instant, everything that she’d known about her childhood seemed to shift.
She looked into Mateo’s eyes for some sense of stability within the chaos of her emotions.
He held her gaze and kept her hands in his grasp. “You’re not a fool. You believed the best you saw in your parents. You were traumatized by their loss, Jillian. That’s nothing you should be ashamed about.”
“I’ve compared every relationship I’ve ever been in to theirs. I wanted the perfection that I thought they had. How can I ever trust my instincts if that’s what I’ve based my adult life on?” She shook her head. “I can’t believe I pushed that memory down so far. I have no right to guide anyone else through life.”
“That’s not true.” Mateo sighed and then smiled at her. “Look, you got me meditating, that’s something no one else could have accomplished.”
“You’re just being nice.” She paused a moment and looked into his eyes. “Why are you being so nice?”
“Maybe because I can see that you’re hurting, and I want to make good on that offer of friendship.” He touched her cheek and brushed the remainder of a tear away. “What you’ve discovered is a lot to process, but you’ll get through it. It’s better to know the truth. Maybe your parents weren’t perfect, but they were still your family. They taught you to love, to want to help others, to value all the right things. Don’t let one mistake ruin your memory of your father.”
“How can I not? He was responsible for my mother’s death. Nothing can change that.”
“He made a mistake. Do you really think he got behind that wheel knowing that it would be the last time?” Mateo shook his head. “People make awful decisions sometimes, and pay terrible consequences, but that doesn’t change who they were. Not really.”
“I don’t know, Mateo. I’ve made a career out of forgiveness and living in the moment, but this has really thrown me for a loop. I don’t even think I know who I am any more.”
“Sure you do.” He brushed his fingertips from the base of her fingers to the tips. “You’re a patient person. You love people and want to help them navigate their lives. You have very bad taste in music.”
“Mateo!” She couldn’t help but laugh a little. His smile lit up his eyes. There it was, that sense of relief she’d experienced during the meditation she’d done with Angela. She was so glad that Mateo was there with her, holding her hand, as she was experiencing one of the hardest moments of her life.
“Thank you, Mateo.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“You do more than you think. You’re pretty amazing.”
“Amazing enough for a kiss?” He leaned a little closer to her. “Or are you still afraid?”
She bit into her bottom lip and hesitated. There was no question that she wanted to kiss him, but following through with it was another story. She no longer had an example to model a relationship after. Mateo, with all his unpredictable behavior, was somehow perfect to her. But did that mean he was perfect for her? How could he be with all the healing he had yet to do?
“Can we start with friendship? Can that be enough for now?”
“I have to be honest with you. Friendship is not what I want. It will never be enough. I’ll always be your friend, but I’ll always want more.”
“How can you know that? What about Kate?”
“Who?” He grinned.
Jillian swatted playfully at his shoulder.
“Look, I know the timing might seem off. But maybe we’re exactly what we need right now.” He stroked his thumb over her chin and tipped her mouth toward his. “Maybe love can be more than just healthy. Maybe love can heal us both?”
She waited for the instinct to resist him. She waited for the alarms to ring in the back of her mind. With every instant that passed, his lips moved closer to hers. Frozen, she awaited the warmth of his kiss.
When she received it, she leaned into it with more passion than he’d offered. Everything that felt wrong about her desire for him disappeared in the sensual motion of his lips.
Slowly, as if he feared she would push him away at any moment, he wrapped an arm around her waist.
She found comfort in his closeness, soothed by the gentle insistence of his mouth. It stirred pleasure and a reprieve from the intensity of the memory that she’d tried so hard to forget.
Mateo was the one to break the kiss. “I probably shouldn’t have done that.”
“It’s okay.” She smiled. “I happened to enjoy it.”
“Good.” His smile spread wider. “Should we try again?”
“No.” She got to her feet. “I need some time to sort through some things. Okay?”
“I’ll just be next door—if you need a reminder of how much you enjoy it.” He stood up as well.
“Thanks. Maybe we can try this again sometime?”
“I’m counting on it.”
“I meant meditation.” She eyed him with a small smile.
“Does it always end like that?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Would that make you meditate more often?”
“Absolutely.”
“Same place, same time tomorrow.” She laughed.
As she walked away, she could feel his eyes on her. Even though she had a lot to get through regarding her parents, Mateo had found a way to brighten her mood. There was something wonderful about that. Still, she wanted to be cautious about moving forward. She felt more vulnerable than ever.
Over the next few days, Mateo showed up every morning to join her in meditation, and at the end of each session they shared one sweet slow kiss. Every time it got harder and harder for Jillian to pull away. She was beginning to suspect that perhaps Mateo wasn’t so wrong for her after all.
At the end of the week she engaged in a little yard work. As she raked the leaves into a pile the motion allowed her mind and her body to relax. The repetition soothed her.
She was so entranced that she didn’t notice that she had an audience.
Chapter 30
“You know that more will fall, right?” Mateo leaned against a tree not far from where Jillian was piling up her leaves.
“Are you just going to watch me, or are you going to help?” She flashed a grin at him. “I could use the help.”
“Unfortunately, I don’t have a rake.” He held out his hands helplessly.
“Lucky for me, there’s one in the shed over there.” She raised an eyebrow, then laughed at the frown that flickered across his features. “I’m just kidding, Mateo.”
“I’ll be right there.”
She watched as he walked over to the shed to retrieve the rake. With swift, even moments he raked the leaves into a pile. She marveled for a moment at the way his body moved, then she mirrored his movements with her own rake.
“How is your morning going?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “It’s better now.”
“What’s wrong?” She continued to rake, as did he.
“I heard from Kate’s lawyer. Apparently she has ground to stand on when it comes to the house. It’s considered a marital asset and since our agreement to trade the apartment and contents for the house was verbal, it won’t hold up in court.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“I am.” Mateo narrowed his eyes. “Now the moment I sell it, she’ll likely be getting half the profit.”
“That’s unbelievable. You’re the one doing all the work. Why should she get anything from it?” She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Mateo. That’s beyond frustrating.”
“It’s difficult.” He swept his pile of leaves into the large pile she’d already formed. “But there’s not much I can do about it. She wins yet again.”
His words made her heart sink. More than anything she was aware that Mateo needed a win. She leaned on her rake for a moment. “Well, there is one thing that you could do.”
“What?” He glanced over at her. “I’m not burning the place down.”
“No, of course not. You could just decide to live in it.” Her heart lurched as she waited for his response.
“What do you mean?”
“It seems to me that Kate is driven by money, and money only. If you continue to live in the house, she can’t make a profit from it. She can demand that you buy out her half, but I doubt a judge will sign off on that if he knows the whole story.” She began to rake again. “Of course it’s just an idea.”
“Honestly, I never even thought of that. Since I arrived here, everything has been about getting the house done and on the market. I’m not sure I could live in the home that was meant to be—”
“—It’s just a house, Mateo.” She locked eyes with him and held the connection. “It’s not hers. You imagined your future with her in it, yes. But now—can’t you imagine a different future?”
He smiled just at the corners of his mouth and nodded. “Maybe I can.”
“It’s something to think about it. You’ll have to ask your lawyer. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea.”
“I think it’s a great idea.” He raked his way closer to her. “Thank you for suggesting it.”
When his elbow bumped into hers she met his eyes again. “Is it something that you’d consider? Would you really stay?”
He leaned the rake against the trunk of a nearby tree and looked at her. “That depends. Could you stand having me as your neighbor?” His smile grew warm as he looked at her.
“I think I could manage.” She rested her rake against the same tree as he took a step toward her. “In fact, I might even enjoy it.”
“Oh, I think I might too.” He trailed his palm along the curve of her hip. She felt the heat of his touch through the thick denim. “In fact, I’m sure I would.”
Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 1 - 4 Page 35
