“Lucky, I . . .” Secret was speechless as she looked around. What should have made her feel like a queen only made her feel worse than she had before leaving the house.
Now more than ever she wished she’d gotten everything off her chest before she and Lucky had left her place to head to her surprise.
He had just looked so happy and elated about whatever it was he had in store for her that she couldn’t bring herself to burst his bubble with the famous Maury Povich line: “Lucky, you are not the father.” So, “We’ll talk later,” was what she said instead, as he drove her about thirty miles outside the city to the hotel she now stood in.
“I just wanted to do something special for you is all,” Lucky told her as he sat on the couch and then patted the spot next to him for her to come and sit down.
Secret slowly walked over and joined him, her stomach feeling sick inside, having nothing to do with the precious life that was growing inside of her, but everything to do with her deceit that was, too, abiding within.
“You surprised?” Lucky said, putting his arm around her.
She nodded.
“Good, ’cause I know I ain’t been there like I was at first. I’m working hard, building an empire for my little prince or princess.” He placed his hand on Secret’s stomach. “I’ma keep it real with you, Secret.” He looked around the room. “I’m trying to create this fairytale for you. But in real life, I’m a grimy-ass nigga. There’s just something about you, though, that makes me want to be better. I know that might sound all soft and shit, but for real; I like who I am when I’m with you. I’ve never met a chick like you, ever. Most chicks always trying to run game, a gold digger or just on some grimy scheming shit her own damn self. But I knew you weren’t that type of breed from the moment I saw you. I ain’t never said this to no broad in my entire life. Not only have I never said this to no broad, but I’ve never felt it. But, Secret . . .” Lucky gathered his words as if contemplating whether to say them. “You the first chick I can actually trust, and that goes for my mama as well.”
As sweet as Lucky’s words were, to Secret they were like nails down a chalkboard. How could she have let Shawndiece talk her into this? How could she not have thought about the consequences and who might get hurt in all this? Now here Lucky thought she was some saint. Surely she was going to go to hell for this.
“I just want to let you know,” Lucky continued, “that no matter what ever happens with us, you’ve shown me that there are some good women out there who aren’t always out to get a nigga. I just thank God He sent you to—”
“Stop it! Just stop it!” Secret shouted as she stood up from the hotel room sofa.
Lucky was startled by her abrupt reaction. “What is it? I’m sorry. I hope you don’t think I’m just talking shit, you know, shooting game. ’Cause I’m for real, Secret.” He stood up and walked up behind her. He didn’t touch her. He just stood there.
“I know you mean it, Lucky.” Secret closed her eyes and shook her head. “That’s the problem.” She turned around to face him. “I know you have been nothing but genuine, honest, and have meant everything you’ve said to me from day one.”
Lucky put his arms around Secret’s waist. “And you mad about that. Hell, I thought that’s what chicks wanted out of a guy.”
“It is. I do, but . . .” Secret tried to turn away from Lucky but he gripped her waist and wouldn’t allow her to.
“Don’t turn away.” He examined Secret’s eyes. “What is it?” He looked down at her stomach. “Is it the baby?”
Secret’s eyes began to water. “No, yes. I mean . . .” Secret managed to pull and back away from Lucky.
“Oh, God. Is the baby okay?” Lucky came toward her again with a look of great concern on his face. He’d witnessed a lot on the streets. People getting hurt, wailing in the valley of the shadow of death, some not so lucky in life as to cheat death. Hell, he’d been the causing factor in deaths. So Lucky didn’t easily get moved by tragedy. Hell, his life had been a tragic tale itself as far as he was concerned. But the thought of something tragic happening to his seed brought out a whole new emotion in him he’d never experienced before.
“Did you find out something from the doctor or something ?” Lucky tried not to sound shaken, but he was. “Is the baby going to be born okay? Is the baby still alive? You didn’t miscarry did you?” Lucky just kept shooting out the worst thoughts that were going through his mind. “Is the baby going to be healthy? Is it going to have that Down syndrome thing or something?”
Secret watched in horror as Lucky went through an array of emotions. Guilt was overtaking her. Up until now she had been able to wash traces of guilt away with thoughts of the baby, but she’d already come to the conclusion that it wasn’t all about the baby anymore. She’d caught feelings for Lucky. She cared about him. She didn’t want to hurt someone she cared about. She didn’t want to be that person. She didn’t want to be the person she was trying to be on purpose: a deceptive liar. She just began to shake her head, silently telling Lucky no to everything he was asking. No, she couldn’t do this.
“Is the baby developing okay? Is it two babies? Is the baby—”
“No, no, no,” Secret began to shout, still shaking her head.
“Then what is it?”
“It’s not yours!” were the next words that flung out of Secret’s mouth. She wished she could have stopped them in mid-air, then sucked them back in, but it was too late. They’d already reached Lucky’s ears as he stood there, stunned. “The baby . . . it’s not yours, Lucky,” Secret admitted, not able to go on with the charade any longer. It was just too much. All dark things come to light. Her grandmother’s sayings kept haunting her. Well, she wasn’t about to let her dark deed come to light. She was going to turn on the switch herself.
“What? What the fuck did you just say?” Lucky asked in a menacing tone. This was the first time that side of him had shown itself around Secret. And right about now, if she’d said what he thought she’d said, he wasn’t going to try to hide it.
Secret hesitated. Lucky had never used that tone with her and she didn’t know if she was pushing her luck by continuing. But she’d pretty much already crossed a bridge; it was too late to avoid what awaited her on the other side. So she kept walking. “Lucky, I’m sorry. You are not the father of my baby.” Secret had already confessed the worst. It only made sense for her to continue with the whole truth. “I . . . I was already pregnant when you met me. That day you met me at the clinic, that’s what I was there for. I was there to get a pregnancy test. It was positive. I was already almost a month pregnant when I met you. So in all actuality, I’m two months pregnant right now . . . not one.”
Lucky remained silent, a menacing look on his face to match his earlier tone.
Secret just hoped all that remained menacing about Lucky was his tone and that he didn’t snap off on and put his paws on her. “I don’t know who the father is. I don’t know who the father is, not because I’m some ho and slept with a lot of guys, but because I had to sleep with one guy in order to save my father’s life. And I’d rather not know who he is.” Secret began to relay the horrible story to Lucky about how she’d waited for her father to come visit her. How all she ever wanted was to be daddy’s little girl. How once he finally did show up, it was only to use her. She tearfully and painfully spoke about the transaction that started in a back alley and ended with her having sex for the first time in her entire life with a complete stranger; all in the name of love for her father.
Once Secret finished her story, she waited for Lucky to reply. His few seconds of silence were deafening. They felt like forever until he finally cleared his throat and spoke.
“So this has all been a game to you? Some setup?” Lucky breathed in and out through his teeth with tightened, round lips. He had no idea he was doing the Stevie J from Love & Hip-Hop Atlanta rat face.
“No.” Secret held her hands up in defense. “I was feeling you that day at the bus stop. Really I
was. I knew deep down inside I was going to call you; just not so soon.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right; you were going to wait a week to call me.” Lucky looked at Secret knowingly. He recalled in their very first conversation where she mentioned she hadn’t wanted to call him so soon; that she’d wanted to wait at least a week so he wouldn’t think she was a bugaboo.
“No, not that week crap. That was just some slick line I was feeding you when I first called you. I’d planned on waiting way longer than a week. I’d planned on waiting until after . . .” Secret’s words trailed off.
Lucky shifted from his left leg to his right to let Secret know he was waiting for her to finish her thoughts. Here all along he thought she was different than all those other hood rat gold diggers out there. Ironically, she came with a bigger agenda than any of them ever had. And hers was hidden. As least with the around-the-way girls he knew exactly what he was getting. They wore their intentions on their sleeves so that there was no confusion. But this one, this chick who stood in front of him, she’d pulled the ultimate whooo whammy on him.
He’d never been so glad in his life he’d kept his and Secret’s relationship on a low. He would get clowned by all his boys if they knew that he had been . . . well . . . clowned. I should have treated her just like the last bitch, he thought. Had he done just that, there would have been no love lost. But now, a month in dealing with Secret, and he was feeling a certain kind of way. He obviously was still feeling a certain kind of way or he wouldn’t have just been standing there waiting for an explanation from Secret. He would have been done rose up and moved on to the next female. But here he stood . . . waiting.
Secret swallowed hard and then continued. “I wasn’t going to call you until after I’d gotten the abortion.” Secret put her hands on each side of her stomach. It was as if she was covering the ears of her baby so that it couldn’t hear its mother’s initial intentions for it. “But I was going to call you. I liked you. Then when I did call you and spent time with you, I liked you a lot. A whole lot. I know it’s only been a month, but being with you has felt like a lifetime. I’ve been waiting for someone to make me feel that way since my grandmother died. And just now, sitting on that couch, I felt . . . I felt . . .” She took a deep breath. “I know it’s too soon to say it, and I know it probably doesn’t exist. But it’s what I felt. Love is what I felt, Lucky. You made me feel love.”
Lucky watched as Secret stood with tears pouring down her face. She was like this sweet, innocent, hurt, little girl. He wanted to reach out to her. His pride wouldn’t let him though. She’d fooled him up to this point. For all he knew, she was still playing him.
“That’s why I had to tell you the truth. I couldn’t sit there and let you waste all that on me. All of whatever it is that you’re giving me. Maybe it’s not love. Maybe you’re just running game too. Hell, I don’t know. All I know is that either way it goes, I don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve this.” She raised her hands and let them fall to her side. “I’m sorry, Lucky. I’m so sorry. If I could do it all over again I wouldn’t have even taken your number. I would not have called you, not until I’d dealt with my situation. But I was desperate. I didn’t know what to do. But what I did know was that if I was going to keep this baby, it would need a father. I was just so scared.” Secret shook her head. “I didn’t mean to drag you into this, Lucky, and I’m so sorry I did.”
Secret was pretty much out of words to say. So on that note she picked up her purse and her suitcase, then headed to the door. She put her hand on the knob. Before opening the door she turned to Lucky and said. “I am really sorry. I just didn’t want to do this by myself.” Secret pulled the door open.
“You don’t have to.”
Lucky’s words almost scared her. He’d been silent, so his deep voice penetrated her sharply. Secret turned and looked at him. “Wha . . . what did you say?”
Lucky put his hands in his pockets and then looked downward. “You said you didn’t want to do this by yourself. Well, you shouldn’t have to.” He shook his head as if unscrambling the words he was trying to get out. He looked into Secret’s eyes. “You don’t have to. You don’t have to do this by yourself.”
Secret wiped her tears away. “What do you mean?” She needed clarity.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry this happened to you. Yo, that was a fucked-up predicament your pops put you in. I can only imagine that some shit like that would make somebody do something desperate. And your moms not being there to support you . . . I know how it feels not to have anybody to support you. I don’t even blame you. I guess we just all products of our environment. But this one . . .” He walked over to Secret and put his hand on her stomach. “This one won’t be; not if I can help it.”
Secret was tired of Lucky playing with his words. She needed him to come out and say exactly what he meant by all this. No reading between the lines. She needed it in black and white. “What are you saying, Lucky?”
“I’m saying that you had a plan and we gon’ stick to it.”
Secret’s eyes widened. Was Lucky saying what she thought he was saying?
“We gon’ finish what you started. Only now I guess I’m in on it too. As far as anybody is concerned, that’s my baby you carrying.”
“Lucky,” Secret said, finally able to exhale. She buried her face in her hands as tears poured out. “I don’t know what I ever did in life to deserve this. To deserve you,” Secret’s muffled voice stated.
“Don’t go making it seem like I’m some saint or something. I’m far from that.” Lucky shook his head thinking about his past and some of the awful things he’d done. “I wasn’t able to save a lot of my homies. In some cases I was probably the downfall of a couple of ’em. So maybe with this here baby it’s like God is giving me another chance to save somebody. And, I promise, I won’t fuck this one up.” He removed Secret’s hand from her face. “Don’t cry,” he told her as he took his index finger and caught one of her falling tears. “Daddy’s here.” He knelt down and kissed her pregnant stomach. “Daddy’s here.”
Chapter Twenty-five
“Girl, if I had been there I would have straight pulled that nigga’s thug card,” Shawndiece teased as she and Secret talked on the phone.
Secret had just gotten back home and settled from her night with Lucky in the hotel suite. She had spent the last few minutes relaying to Shawndiece everything that had gone down.
“Girl, it was so sweet. I thought he was going to cry,” Secret said.
“‘When Thugs Cry,’ ha, that’s gon’ be my new anthem for that nigga. I swear if we ever out and around his boys, I’m gon’ clown his ass good.” Shawndiece was cracking herself up.
“Well, you can file that under never. I’ve never even heard Lucky mention any of his friends’ names, let alone meet any of them.”
“Word?” Shawndiece was now in serious mode.
“Yeah.” This was something Secret hadn’t really thought about until now.
“What about his family, his moms or anybody?”
“He did mention his mom and dad once; the fact that they were drug addicts and in jail or something like that.”
“Oh, well, the story of a thug.” Shawndiece sighed. “But still, I know with the type of business he’s in, he got at least one or two flunkies or sidekicks.”
“Like you know what Lucky does for a living.”
“Like you don’t,” Shawndiece shot back. “Girl, don’t try to play naïve and stupid. The fact that you haven’t straight-out asked that nigga exactly what he does for a living and the fact that he hasn’t straight out told you speaks volumes. But you playing your cards right by not asking. The less you know, the better. Which is probably why you’ve never met any of his boys. You different, Secret. I’ve always told you that. Lucky can see it too. He knows better than to taint you with the cats he rolls with. You ain’t about that life. It would be like mixing oil and water. You wouldn’t fit in and his boys would clown him for even fucking with somebod
y like you. Or they’d think he was plain stupid and getting played.”
“Why, is that what you think about him?” Secret decided to finally interrupt Shawndiece and speak.
“Well, uh . . .” It was far from usual for Shawndiece to ever be at a loss for words. “I mean, no, because you my girl and I know your heart. I know you really didn’t want to go into this to trap old boy out of malice or to just be stank. That’s what God put me on this earth for.” Shawndiece let out a chuckle in which Secret joined her subconsciously. “But for real, I saw how you was feeling Lucky from the moment you met him. You had every intention of calling him up. After all, your initial intentions were to get rid of the baby, so it wasn’t like you were going to get with dude thinking a baby would be in your future.”
Secret loved the fact that Shawndiece was lifting some of the thoughts that had been burdening Secret about being with Lucky. She couldn’t help if he wondered or doubted her wanting to be with him because of who he was and not what he could do for her and her baby. Hopefully he could see down to her heart just like Shawndiece and know that she really liked and cared about him.
“You watching an episode of Scandal you done recorded or something? Because you sho’nuff is ignoring the fuck out of me,” Shawndiece barked through the phone.
“Oh, huh, what?” Secret said, snapping out of her thoughts.
“Nothing, girl. I’m gon’ let you go. Bitch tired as hell. My cousin Rah-Rah wanted this expensive-ass sew-in weave that had my black ass up until the wee hours in the morning finishing up. And I was s’posed to hook up with Paco tonight but I’ma have to call him and postpone. You know a bitch tired if she passing up getting her pussy ate right and a shot at that new Michael Kors bag from Macy’s.”
Keeping Secrets Page 14
