“Thanks.” I wasn’t sure how damp air that frizzed up my hair and left my cheeks as pink as a slapped bottom looked good, but she said it as though she meant it.
She grinned. “You’ve got a man haven’t you? You look kind of relaxed and chilled, you’re never chilled.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“You’re always bouncing about and proving to everyone how good life is, but you’re not doing that.”
“No one to prove anything to here.” I glanced around the bar, deserted apart from a man with a dog and the elderly guy behind the bar.
She laughed. “You know what I mean.”
I did. She was right, I hadn’t actually sorted anything out yet, no answers, nothing. But I did feel strangely calmer, strangely like I might almost expect things to pan out, in the end.
“He was there when Dane rang wasn’t he?”
“They both were.” I winked and she spluttered into her beer, which sent froth up her nose and left her frantically searching for a tissue as her eyes streamed. But she never took her gaze off me. I passed her a serviette and sipped my drink in a ladylike manner whilst she finished choking and showering the table with beer. “I mean, what else is there to do here?” I put on my best look of innocence.
“I wish I did soul searching the same way you do.”
Okay, I did feel a twinge of guilt because she looked a bit miffed, it had all been very sombre when I’d told her I needed time out on my own to sort things. Now it looked like I was partying, which was just the surface dressing to make me feel a bit more normal. Zero to hero takes time.
“Why are you here, Sophie? I mean I know that Dane knows, everyone always knows more than me, and I know he’s all wound up, but don’t you trust me enough to tell?” It was almost a plea. She was putting brave face on it, but she was hurt. She was bound to be. I mean what type of a best mate just walks out, and what type of a mate lets her, gives her time.
“I was going to explain Holl, in my own time.” I’d gone off the idea of food and stopped messing with my cutlery, pushed my drink into the centre of the table. “This is where I was when—” It happened? When everything in my muddled up world imploded. “—my parents died.” I could say it, it didn’t make me feel miraculously better, but I could say it. Not the committed suicide bit, but the ‘died’ bit. “I’d come here with a boyfriend and I don’t know whether—” I could feel the tension in my brow, the tightness in my throat, “—I didn’t know whether I was running away from them, cos I couldn’t stand any more, or whether I was doing it for him.” I traced a line in the condensation of the glass. “For us. We were kids Holly, bloody, silly kids.”
“So, you came here to find him.” It was statement, the same one everyone was making.
“Oh, no. No.” Maybe that was a bit firmer than it warranted. But I hadn’t. I hadn’t come here to find him. “I didn’t know he was still here, I just never thought….” I hadn’t thought. When I’d got over the numbness of burying my parents, when I’d stopped crying at the drop of a hat, and yelling at people for breathing, when I’d replied to his texts with enough anger to make me feel better, then I’d thought. I’d wondered where he’d gone, wondered if I’d ever see his face again. And then I’d buried the thoughts and got on with my life in the way I’d hope my mum would have been proud of.
“But this boyfriend, it’s Ollie, right?”
“Yup.”
“And that was who you were with last night, the one who’s made you happy?” She had a hopeful look on a face, that type of look that meant she knew I was going to say everything was fine.
“No.” I paused and hoped I sounded matter of fact. “That was Will.” It seemed best not to mention Stevie that would have just made it more complicated.
“Will? But Dane was going on about Ollie…” Her voice trailed off. “You’ve not found Ollie?”
“Ollie is the other one. I didn’t find Ollie, he found me. They were both there, but it was Will who stayed over.”
“I think you’ve lost me.” I think I’d lost myself as well. “You came here to find Ollie—”
“No. How many times do I have to say it? I came here to find answers.”
“But you didn’t find Ollie, you found Will. Who the hell is Will?” She frowned at me.
“Just some guy I bumped into.” It wasn’t sounding good, even to me. “I got lost when I was going up to the kieve.”
“Kieve? What’s the kieve when it’s at home? You mean cave?”
“No, kieve, its Cornish for bowl. Can I finish?” She nodded, but the look on her face was pure doubt and confusion. “I wanted to go up to this place Ollie and I found. It was kind of mystical, almost like when you’re in a church, if you know what I mean?” She half nodded. “I thought it was a good place to start, a place to think. But I got lost.”
“And bumped into Will?”
“Well, more like his bullocks, and he popped out of the mist and suggested we go for a drink.”
“A drink?”
“Yeah, just a drink. He’s nice.” Sophie didn’t look convinced, and who could blame her. “He is, he’s a really nice guy, you know like Charlie is. But not quite like Charlie. And then I bumped into Ollie.”
“When you went for a drink with Will?”
“Next day, when I went down to the beach.”
“Beach? In this weather?” She gave a half shudder and rolled her eyes, which was totally unnecessary if you ask me.
“Oh cut the Am Drams, I went down to the castle in Tintagel so that I could get some air, and think. We used to go a lot and I thought if I sat there for a bit I might be able to remember what it was all about.” I emptied what was left in my glass. “And Ollie turned up.”
“And you remembered?” Holly’s voice was soft, and when I looked up and caught her eyes she was watching me carefully, as though she was afraid of saying the wrong thing.
“You know how sometimes you have good times with someone?” I gazed into my glass and could see the way he used to be, when we first met, his smiling face, clear, uncomplicated. “And when it’s over you go back to a place you shared just half hoping everything will be back how it was. That they’ll be there and you can sort it all out?” I glanced up and she was watching me. “Well, I think it was a bit like that in my head when I set off down here, but I didn’t expect to see him. It was all too long ago, we were different, and I just wanted the feeling, not to actually make it happen.” She half nodded, though I wasn’t convinced I was making any kind of sense at all. “We came down here as kids, Holl, then it happened and I rushed back and he never followed me. I thought he would, and he didn’t. Oh yeah, I blamed him as well as me, and told him not to come, but y’know I just thought…” I’d thought lots of things over and over again, but mostly I’d just thought that he hadn’t cared after all.
“He never called, at all?”
“Eventually, but it was too late. It was far too late and I told him if he ever came near me again I’d call the police.”
“What do you mean too late?” She knew impatient was my middle name, I just got on with things, she probably thought I was talking about a week, two weeks.
“I’d gone home, sorted things and gone back to school when the new term started and it was like several months later, when I was doing my ‘A’ levels and everything. I’d applied to Uni and decided that whatever happened I was going to get qualified, just, well just concentrate on work and make Mum—” I swallowed, tried not to think too much “—make Mum proud, not be some bummer like he was.” Like hopeless and trapped with a man who beat you up, like Mum had been. Except sometimes I had a feeling she’d stayed because she wanted to, not because she had to. “Dane tried to make me talk to him, but he didn’t understand.”
“I don’t get it, what has Dane got to do with all this?”
“They’re cousins. Dane and Ollie are cousins.”
There was a silence while she took it all in. “Cousins?”
“Yup. I was sev
enteen when I met him and he was nineteen, the same age as Dane. They were buddies really, except Ollie was the bad boy, and I guess at first Dane was jealous when Ollie started spending time with me. And he went off the wall when I told him me and Ol were heading off for the summer. He’d lost his mate.”
“Are you sure he wasn’t jealous of Ollie? I mean you and he…?” She gave me a pointed look, which I did my best to ignore.
“Whatever. And anyhow, he’d met Sal so what was it to do with him? He said I was too young, and being daft and I didn’t know what I was doing. That Ollie was just out for a laugh.”
“Which made you more determined?”
“Well, yeah.” I couldn’t stop the little smile that crept out when I thought about how Ollie had wrapped his arms protectively around me and told Dane to take a hike. He’d told me he’d look after me, he’d said ‘trust me’ and I had. And Dane had given us a look that almost said he’d never forgive us. “But, part of it was that it was so shit at home.” I stared down at the table and wished I didn’t have to think about it. “Dad was getting worse, he’d come in pissed and be throwing the dinner at the wall.” When we were little, Meggie and I would sit in our room with our hands over our ears, but it didn’t help. Pain can get through any barriers. Then my big sister Meg had moved out, and it had just been me. It was always the same, shouting, hurling, abuse, muffled screams and then the bang of the front door. I never could remember what it had been like at the start, when we were young. Never remembered the good times that Mum insisted we’d had. “She wouldn’t leave him, it didn’t matter what I said she’d just give me a little smile and a hug, and tell me not to worry.” But the way she often winced as she did, it meant I couldn’t help but worry. “I shouldn’t have left her with him. I should have stayed or made her come with me.”
“You couldn’t make her, Soph.”
No, I couldn’t make her leave, but I could have stayed. “We’d only been gone a couple of weeks when the police tracked us down on the campsite and told me I needed to go back with them. Joint suicide they said.”
He’d killed her, killed her because there was no-one there to stop him. Holly had heard some of it before, but she didn’t know I’d run away. “So I went back with them and Ollie said he’d sort things and follow me. But he never did. And then there was all the funeral and questions and endless shit and it didn’t seem to matter anymore.” I rested my chin on my hands and tried to remember what it had been like, it all seemed so long ago now. “Dane made a few noises about Ollie, but him and Sal were as thick as thieves, and he didn’t really have time to stick his nose in too much. We were just kids playing a game that went wrong.”
And all for nothing.
“She might have loved him, Holl, but she wouldn’t have killed herself. She wouldn’t. Why would she do that?” And why would she lie, and add her farewell kisses on the bottom of a note that was as flimsy and crumpled as the words written on it? “Maybe it was wrong to come back here. It’s not going to solve anything is it?”
“You won’t know till you’ve done it though, will you?” Holly had always thought she wasn’t good enough for anyone, and why the hell she’d let herself believe it, I don’t know. She was the best friend I’d ever had. And the only person I’d told the whole story to.
“Looks like someone is trying to get your attention.” I twisted to see what she was looking at, and Will was stood at the bar, watching us quietly as he nursed a drink in his big bear’s paw of a hand, and the second I waved he grinned and set off towards us. He could sure move fast for a big man.
“Will, this is my best mate, Holly.” They eyed each other up. “We’re heading up to the fall, St. Nectan’s kieve, she wants to see it, don’t you, Holl?”
Holly gave me a look. “I do?”
“You do.” I suddenly wanted someone to go with me, and I trusted her.
Will looked from one to the other of us and I could see it on his face, the fact that when he’d offered, I’d refused to go with him. “Want a lift?”
“We’re fine, we’ve both got cars here, haven’t we?”
“Yup, but thanks. Nice to meet you, Will.” Holly has that detached, cool air about her sometimes that only blonde women can do properly. And I know it’s because she’s being careful, but a lot of men take it that she’s either too posh or they see it as a challenge. Will didn’t seem to take it either way. He grinned, took the thanks as it was meant and I could see her instantly warm to him. The world needed more men like Will. She held out a slim hand and his own large one engulfed it for a second, then he hooked it through his arm and led the way out to the car park.
Holly pointed towards her battered little car sitting in the shadow of the Landrover, and I tried not to laugh. Our three misfit vehicles sat lost and lonely in the large parking area, and I dearly hoped they weren’t a reflection of the people who owned them.
“You got here in that?”
She feigned offence. “Don’t call him a ‘that’, he’s fine, just a bit worn at the edges.” Will grinned and leaned back against his mud-spattered Landrover.
“But you can’t go back tonight, not all the way. What if it breaks down?”
“I’m not.” She laughed. “And it won’t. Anyhow, I was coming down to meet Mum in Bristol. She’s left Dad in Australia and come over on her own for a few weeks.”
“Bristol? Why the hell are you meeting her in Bristol of all places, why not at home?”
“Not everyone was born and bred in Cheshire, remember? I did live near Bristol once upon a time. I was going to come on the train, but then I thought it was easier in the car so I could stop by and see you.”
“Check up on me you mean?”
She just grinned and tried not to look like a messenger sent by God, sorry, Dane.
“Something tells me you need checking up on.” Will straightened and shoved his hands into his pockets, with some difficulty it had to be said, but he was a determined type of guy. “I take it I’m a spare part?” I smiled and let him ruffle my hair.
“Not to your bullocks.”
“I just saw your car, and—”
“And thought I needed checking up on?”
“Just thought it was strange, I’ll get back to my bullocks then if I’m the gooseberry. See you later maybe?” He’d taken a step back, unlocked the Landrover and was looking at me like he was leaving a door open, even though I was like an alien being that he couldn’t quite work out.
“I’ll text you when I know what’s happening.”
We watched as he swung the rover out of the car park and up the steep, narrow lane leading from the cove, belching exhaust fumes as it went.
“He’s cool.”
“I know.”
“Sweet.”
“I know.”
“Too sweet for you?”
“Probably.” I sighed and wished I was the type of girl who could be happy with a cool, sweet guy. “So, how’s your Mum?” She knew what I meant, how are you getting on with your Mum, have you spoken much, has she told you how proud she is?
“We’re never going to be that close, but we’re fine now. Honest.”
And she looked like she meant it. “I was jealous of people like you when I was a kid you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well I know it’s none of my business, and I don’t know anything about it, but you had a Mum there, didn’t you? You know to pick you up from school? And parties and stuff like that?” I nodded. I suppose I had. Mum had always been there for us. “We had all these swish holidays and stuff like that, but she was always too busy working. I honestly didn’t think I was good enough for her until…”
“You got talking at Christmas.”
“Yeah. Sorry, it’s different. I know.”
But it wasn’t that different. She was right, I had been lucky in lots of ways. Maybe I should have talked to her earlier, or Dane, or Megs, just anybody. I guess I hadn’t really trusted anyone for a long time.
And maybe if Mum had loved us that much, then she’d loved him too. But I wasn’t ready to think about that yet.
“And Dane?” I have a knack for changing the conversation when it suits me, but of course not letting other people do that. But she let me.
“Oh, she likes him, more than she liked James anyway.”
“Not hard, but I meant how’s Dane, how are you both getting along?” Which left her looking a bit sheepish, which probably meant fine.
“Follow me up to the cottage and then I’ll take you exploring.”
***
We went at a slow pace along the narrow Cornish lanes, fast didn’t work here. Not unless you wanted to be squashed by a tractor or left hanging off a cliff edge. And anyway, for the first time in years there didn’t seem to be any hurry. I had my own, private little time warp.
Holly pulled up behind me when we got to the cottage I was renting, and then we set off in silence up the small path which meandered between the trees until it dropped down over moss and fern-strewn boulders to the edge of the stream.
We followed the silent swathe of water, a silvery path that seemed to carry its own version of tranquility through the glen. I loved it here. I had since the first day we had stumbled across the pilgrims’ route to the waterfall. We hadn’t gone there to find peace, or some Cornish religion, we had just decided to avoid the tourists for a day and this was where we’d found ourselves. And Ollie and I had for once been silent, even youth can be overawed sometimes. We’d held hands and walked the path, tripped over exposed roots, slipped on moss-covered stones, but something had told us to keep walking. When we’d come to the last part of the journey, the steep hewn steps, it was almost a disappointment to find a café, people and cream teas where we’d expected Cornish magic— but then we’d been pointed in the direction of a second gate, the keeper of the kieve.
I’d told Holly what the kieve was - this basin, a pool at the bottom of the waterfall. But it was far more than that. As Ollie and I stood side by side we had found magic. A green touch of heaven where the only sound was water, the only time I’d equated noise with peace. And as I’d clasped his hand in mine, shut my eyes tight to block out everything that didn’t matter, as I’d drank in the pure pleasure of this mystical place, it had happened. Far away, another time, another planet, they’d done it. My parents had left me. Ripped a hole in my innocence with the kind of violence that should only happen in films.
Good Enough to Trust (Good Enough, Book 2 - Going Back) Page 6
