by Sarah Bailey
“It wouldn’t change anything if I admitted it.”
“You’re right.” He moved closer. Our lips were almost brushing. “It wouldn’t. But I want to play with fire. You’ll burn me to fucking ashes and dust, but I want it anyway. I want you.”
I searched his face. Searched for anything which would change the outcome of this conversation. But there was nothing. I knew I was fucking doomed from the moment we laid eyes on each other. I might as well stay on the sinking ship into oblivion.
I’m falling for you, Logan. I’m falling so fucking deep because we see each other. It scares me, but I can’t keep running. I can’t hide.
“I want you too,” I whispered, “I want all of you.”
“See? That wasn’t so hard.”
“You’re going to cost me everything, Logan.”
His smile was hollow and empty, echoing in the void we’d both jumped headlong into.
“I know,” was his only response before he kissed me and we said no more on the subject of what exactly we were to each other.
We lost ourselves to pleasure instead. Because pleasure was the only time neither of us worried about what the future between us held.
Chapter Twenty Five
I stared hard out the window at the city below me. Being summoned to head office was not my idea of a fun Monday morning. Who even liked Mondays anyway? No one. I’d been looking forward to doing fuck all today, as it was my second day off in a row. However, my dad had other ideas. Not content with telling me a few weeks ago I’d have to move to head office, now it was becoming official. I couldn’t stand it. The very idea of losing my autonomy and freedom to decide what I wanted to do in life was suffocating.
“We can look at finding someone to replace you within the next couple of months,” he was saying, as I tried not to feel as though my whole life was coming apart at the seams, “It shouldn’t be too hard. We can start by advertising internally.”
The thought of any of the staff at the store taking over my job made me sick to my stomach. None of them were fucking qualified. I’d made the Bensons flagship store what it was. Having worked there for the past six years, I’d done fucking wonders for the place.
I sound like an arrogant prick, but the proof is in the financials. I’ve tripled profits by hiring the right people and working with the marketing team. I did that. No one else.
Perhaps it’s why my father wanted me to be at head office so I could work my magic here. It was the last thing I wanted to do. Run a company. I was better on the frontline rather than behind the scenes.
“None of the staff are good enough,” I muttered.
I’m not sure he heard me as he kept going on.
“And once you’ve trained them, we can move forward with you learning the ropes here.”
Any response I had got caught in my throat. The truth burnt on my tongue. The words I couldn’t say.
I don’t want this, Dad. I don’t want to run the company. It’s the last thing I want to do. Callie and Maia should do it. They want it more than me. They deserve it.
I was the eldest of my cousins. Dad decided the responsibility would fall on me. I’d never told him otherwise. In the beginning, it’d been a distant prospect I’d never thought about, but as the years went by, I realised how much I hated the very idea of it. It wasn’t my dream. But you don’t get to have dreams in my world. You don’t get to have ambitions and buck the fucking trend.
Keeping this secret had made me withdraw from my parents. I put walls up. Placed distance between us. I missed the close relationship I had with my mother when I was a child. She taught me so many life lessons, but those had gone out the window when resentment and frustration tainted everything.
She wouldn’t want this for me. She’d hate knowing I felt obligated to be the son my father wanted. My mother had told me about what Dad’s own father had done to him. How Zachary Benson had raised all of his children with ridiculously high expectations they never once met. How it fucked them all up. You’d think after all the abuse, history wouldn’t repeat itself. Pity there are some lessons we never learn.
I wasn’t saying my father was bad at being a dad or anything of the sort. We’d been closer when I was younger. He used to read to me every single night. He’d make sure he was home in time from the office to put me to bed. I had so many fond memories from back then. It’s only when I grew up things became strained. When I felt obligated to follow the path they’d set out for me. And now, things were worse than ever.
I rubbed my face and continued staring at the city below us.
“Yeah, okay, Dad. I get it. Whatever you think is best.”
My voice sounded hollow and almost broken to my ears. I didn’t have it in me to even attempt to sound enthusiastic. Whilst he wouldn’t have to drag me kicking and screaming, it didn’t mean I would act happy and excited by the whole prospect. I couldn’t.
Why did this have to happen now? Was the world punishing me for Aurora? For having her when I shouldn’t?
Am I not allowed a few moments of happiness with her?
Apparently not. The world was fucking well against me being with her. The girl who set my soul on fire. Our conversation a couple of weeks ago had become dangerous. It’d forced confessions neither of us should have made. It was fucked up of me to have pressed it upon her, but after she let down her walls and showed me so much vulnerability, I couldn’t help myself. I wanted her to know how much I needed and cared about her. How if everything was different, I’d have made her my girlfriend.
Fuck my family.
Fuck reputations.
Fuck scandals.
I would choose her.
However, it was another thing I couldn’t do. Like all the other fucking things in my life. Always stuck between a rock and a hard place. Always trying to be the man my parents wanted me to be. Always fucking up at every single turn.
“I realise change is hard, Logan, but you can handle this. You’re more than capable.”
I didn’t look back at my dad, not wanting to see his expression. It had nothing to do with my capabilities. If I put my mind to it, I’d be the perfect owner of the company. It’s not what I wanted. Not my choice. Not my decision. It’d been taken away from me. That was the problem.
“I know. I’m not worried about that.”
“Then what are you worried about?”
I shook my head.
“Nothing.”
There was movement behind me. I glanced at my dad as he came to a standstill next to me. I’d always favoured him, with dark hair and a stocky build, but my eyes were lighter, more of an ice-blue rather than sapphire like my mum always said his were. Mum was lithe with blonde-hair and green eyes, but it didn’t make her any less formidable. I’d seen her have a go at Dad on numerous occasions. Liora Benson was not someone to be messed with when she got angry.
“You can tell me if anything is bothering you.”
Too many things were bothering me. He had no idea I was falling for a girl forbidden to me. I had to admit it to myself. Aurora Knox had crawled under my skin. She’d brought me to life. She’d shown me there was far more to her than I realised. Aurora might be prickly but the girl was so fucking smart and full of life. She had this way about her. She sucked you in and held you captive in her gaze, in her body, in her fucking soul. I didn’t want to be anywhere else.
Then there was all the other stuff in my life and hers that contributed to the reasons the girl I wanted more than life itself was the wrong person for me to fall for.
“I’m okay, Dad. I promise.”
The lie coated the back of my throat like tar. It stuck there and almost made me want to vomit. The sickening feeling raked down my spine. The secrets and the lies were destroying me.
He reached up and squeezed my shoulder. The affectionate gesture only made me feel a hundred times worse.
“Your mother is worried about you.”
I froze, turning my head to look at him fu
lly.
“Why?”
“You’ve been… distant.”
Did he really have to keep battering me with more reasons to be guilty? To feel like I wasn’t enough. I knew exactly how Aurora felt about her father. It ate at you, making you want to do everything in your power to be enough. To show them it wasn’t wrong to put their faith in you.
What a fucking fraud. I wasn’t enough. I never had been. If I was, then I wouldn’t be so fucking miserable with this choice. Knowing I had to do this because it’s what my parents wanted. Knowing time between Aurora and I was running out. It hadn’t been long and she was slipping away hour by hour, minute by minute. I’d have to give her up.
I can’t. I need her.
“I don’t mean to be.”
“Just don’t forget to call her. She misses you… I miss you.”
I looked down at the floor.
“I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more in contact. Just, you know, life and stuff happens.”
He squeezed my shoulder again.
“Come to dinner tomorrow night?”
Even if I hadn’t wanted to, he’d left me little choice. Since when had I reached a point where none of my choices felt like my own? The only one I’d made recently was to go after Aurora. It was the wrong choice because of who she was, but it was mine. All mine.
“Sure, Dad. That’d be nice.”
“Good. Well, I’ll let you enjoy the rest of your day off.”
I allowed him to give me a hug before I left the office. Normally if I was here, I’d check in with my aunts, uncle and cousins. This time I left without saying a word to anyone. Small talk filled me with dread.
By the time I got home, I was lower than ever. World-weary and unhappy. I checked the time as I curled up on my sofa and turned the TV on. It wasn’t even midday yet. It’s not like I planned to do much other than veg out. Even that felt like effort.
All my thoughts centred on Aurora. On how she’d spent most of yesterday morning here with me after she’d come over on Saturday night. She’d had to leave to get back home for a family lunch or I would’ve asked her to stay all day. I couldn’t get enough of her, whether in the bedroom or her company. Even when we argued, it didn’t stop me from wanting her presence. Craving it.
I did a rather stupid thing knowing she was at school.
Logan: Send me a selfie.
I dumped my phone beside me and flipped through the channels, finding nothing at all of interest. A buzzing sound caught my attention a minute later.
Aurora: I’m in lesson.
Logan: I want to see you.
A minute later, she did as I asked and sent me a photo she’d surreptitiously taken. Her dark hair was up in a bun with small tendrils framing her face. Her makeup was simple but flawless. She had a pen stuck behind her ear and was biting her lip. The girl was simply stunning as always.
Logan: You bewitch me.
Aurora: Flatterer.
Logan: I’m serious. You captivate me every single time I see you.
Aurora: You need to stop saying stuff like that.
I was well aware of the dangerous territory I’d waded into by admitting those things. My ability to hide it was shot to pieces today after the meeting with my dad.
Logan: Why?
Aurora: You’re making me blush.
Logan: Is that the only reason?
Aurora: No.
Logan: Then tell me why else.
Aurora: We’re not in a relationship. Quit acting like we are.
Her words stung even though they were true. I couldn’t help it. I saw Aurora as mine. She deserved to be showered with compliments and affection.
Logan: Stop deflecting and tell me the real reason.
Aurora: I’m terrified of losing you, okay?
Aurora: I’m scared this is all a lie and you’re going to hurt me.
Aurora: And the biggest reason of all…
Aurora: I can’t afford to fall in love with you.
Aurora: I hate admitting these things. It’s like giving you all this ammunition to destroy me with.
Aurora: Please, for the love of fucking everything, stop acting like this is all going to end well. You and I both know it isn’t.
I deserved it. I’d pushed her into another admission. Except, all of her words fucked me up further. They made me weak when I read between the lines. We couldn’t afford to fall for each other… but we already were. It had started happening a long time ago. The fine line between love and hate had blurred completely.
Logan: I can’t afford to fall in love with you either.
Aurora: As if you know how to fall in love.
Logan: I wouldn’t be so sure about that.
Aurora: I would ask what that’s supposed to mean, but I think I know. And I reiterate what I said before. Stop saying stuff like that.
Even if I wanted to do what she said, I couldn’t. I wanted her to know the truth. I was already in way too deep. I was falling for her so fucking hard.
Logan: Can I see you later?
Aurora: No.
Logan: Please… I need you.
Aurora: You do?
Logan: My dad summoned me to see him earlier.
She didn’t respond immediately. I shouldn’t rely on her to make me feel better, and yet, I couldn’t help myself. She was the balm to my fucked up state of mind.
Aurora: Pick me up from school at 3.45.
Logan: Are you sure?
Aurora: You need me, so yes.
She sent me the address of the school and told me to wait two streets over. I didn’t drive often. It was easier to get the tube to work from my flat. I’d do it for her as she was making an effort for me. I imagined she’d have to make some kind of excuse to her parents.
Now I had to wait a few hours before I could see her. I should try not to waste the entire day on TV. Instead, I got up and decided to hit the treadmill. There was a gym in the building available for residents. I’d been a little lax in going for the past couple of weeks with everything going on. Perhaps it would help clear my mind a little, then I wouldn’t be so fucked up when I went to see Aurora. Knowing I’d be able to kiss her beautiful lips was the only thing that kept me together.
Chapter Twenty Six
After Logan texted me during lesson earlier, I’d told my mum I was seeing him after school so didn’t need picking up. I don’t think she approved of the whole thing between me and him, but she was letting me make my own choices about boys. Given she’d gone against who she thought was her family to be with my dads, she couldn’t give me shit for choosing someone I knew my father would disapprove of.
“What are we doing now, babe?” Colleen asked me as we packed up after last lesson.
I closed my bag and looked away.
“We are doing nothing.”
“What do you mean?”
We hung out most Mondays either at mine or hers. It would come as a surprise to her I wasn’t up for anything.
“I’ve got plans, Col.”
“What? You didn’t tell me.”
I sighed and slung my bag over my shoulder. She still didn’t know about Logan, although she had mentioned I seemed different recently. It was true. I was different. He’d changed things for me.
“Well, I only made them today.”
When I looked at her, Colleen had her eyebrows raised and looked at me as if I’d grown two heads.
“With who?”
“Who said I have plans with another person?”
I didn’t enjoy lying to her, but for some reason, I wasn’t keen on telling her about Logan. Maybe because I knew it was doomed from the start. Logan and I were on borrowed time. The moment Dad found out, the fallout would be horrifying, but I had a little hope in my heart it might push Logan into sticking up for us. Stupid to hope for anything of the sort. I’d told him today about my fears and he hadn’t reassured me. Logan had given me no reason to hope. And yet hope I did.
How could I not?
I was falling in love with him. And he gave me the impression earlier he might feel the same way. That he might well be falling in love with me too.
It’s why I’d even said yes to seeing him. That, and he’d seen his dad. I knew how it affected him. It tugged at my heartstrings. I wanted to soothe him. Make him feel better.
You are so fucked.
“Come on, babe, don’t bullshit me.”
I started towards the classroom door, knowing I needed to get a move on to go meet Logan. What excuse could I use which she would believe? I was the worst friend, lying to her about everything.
“Dad’s taking me out… you know, a dad and daughter thing.”
What the fuck? She’s not going to believe that!
I glanced at Colleen. She would never ask my dad about it given she was a little scared of him. Well, to be honest, she told me all of my dads were DILFs, which I found gross. She got all shy around them because of it. It was ridiculous. She’d grown up around them, for crying out loud. Those were my dads. My best friend finding them attractive bothered me somewhat. I wasn’t worried anything would happen. They only had eyes for my mum, but still… it wasn’t something I wanted to think about.
“Quinn is taking you out on his own?”
“Yeah. He said he wants to spend more time with me.” I shrugged, hoping she would buy my blatant lie and not give me shit about it.
“Oh. Well, I’m sure that’ll be nice. I know things have been shit between the two of you.”
Understatement of the century.
I had told her about him having a go at me over the clubbing. She understood even if she didn’t like it. Collen pouted when I told her I could no longer be her wing-woman whilst we were still at school.
“Yeah, it will be.”
We fell silent as we walked out of the school building. It’s when I realised Colleen would be expecting my dad to be waiting for me. I’d not thought this through. It was lucky my phone buzzed right at that moment. Pulling it out of my bag, I checked the message.
Logan: I’m here.
I frowned down at it.
