Peyton stood only a few tables away, focused directly on me. Any shred of dignity and strength I had left vanished.
I was brought back to my hospital room, where he doubted me.
To the elevator, where he took me.
To his bedroom, where he made love to me.
To his hot tub, where I finally let him in.
My heart shattered into a million pieces in the blink of an eye. I was exhausted, drained and all cried out. I no longer had it in me to fight him. He had this power over me—this control of my emotions and there weren’t enough pills in my medicine bottle to make it all go away.
A sad smile appeared on his face, and I was awash with guilt. I had stayed away from him; I had tried to mend my heart with other men, but none of them would take his place. No other human could make me love the way I knew I would forever love him.
With a heavy heart, I turned away from his captivating eyes and faced the happy couple, blinking back tears as I focused on Caleb’s voice. My hand held the shaking wine glass; my breath came in and out of my mouth in spurts. I was falling apart.
Just get through the speech.
Patiently waiting for the speech to be over, I counted the seconds before I could drown all of this emotional wreckage in the orange plastic bottle that was neatly secured in my purse. I needed the darkness. I needed to not feel. My hand clenched my clutch.
“As most of you know,” Caleb began, “I’ve been in love with this woman standing next to me since I was a senior in college. I read once that love is a word until someone gives it meaning.” Caleb pulled Kennedy closer and kissed her forehead. “You, Kennedy, are that meaning.”
I watched as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “Kennedy and I are honored to share our journey with you. Standing here together in front of all the special people in our lives to announce our engagement makes our dreams a reality. Thank you for being here, for your love and well wishes. Kennedy captured my heart early and though it took me several tries, she has finally agreed to be my wife. With her by my side I understand the true meaning of what they say; love is all you need.”
Love is a word until someone gives it a meaning.
That was all I was able to take. Peyton was the man I loved and he had given it meaning a long time ago. Be he had also torn me apart. I couldn’t stand in the love-infested room any longer as the other guests raised their glasses to toast the happy couple. I needed to get the hell out of there—fast. I practically dropped my wine glass to the table before I rushed to the bathroom, scooping up an open bottle of wine a waiter had left unattended on the bar.
Peyton
“I have a couple of stock options for you to look at,” James said, his whiskey in hand as everyone clapped for Kennedy and Caleb. Of all the places to talk business, this wasn’t one of them. Not at our friends’ engagement party. I personally would have declined the invitation, but I knew she was going to be here. Hell, I’d even confirmed it with Gus four times that she was attending.
“Yeah, call Melissa and set something up,” I responded, my eyes glued to hers. It was the first time since the hospital room that she’d finally looked at me. Though it was only a few short seconds, it was enough to regret everything that had happened, including not fighting harder for her. From the second she woke up in that hospital bed, scared and lost, I should have been by her side. She shouldn’t have spent the last few months on her own. I needed to fight for her.
Fight harder.
With one look, she changed it all.
I had seen her when she first walked in—her hair dark, her skin fair like she had avoided the sun all summer, and her body frail. Though I’d kept my distance, I watched her. She’d shared quick pleasantries with Kennedy before she rushed back to her seat, avoiding eye contact and communication with anyone. And she’d refused to dance with Gus when he’d tried to pull her towards the dance floor.
This wasn’t Braelynn.
The outside was her with a few minor changes, but the women inside was different. She had changed. I had only known her a short time, but she had that fire that burned through her, confidence and a mouth that made my cock hard within a few seconds. The woman who stood across the room was her shell.
Her head was lowered after Caleb’s speech, and I watched as she placed her glass on the table, grabbed her purse and stormed away from the party. She stopped at the bar, yanking a bottle of wine from the service table and marched straight into the ladies’ bathroom.
I ignored James and his comments about his stock portfolio and watched the door. It took me all of three minutes before I headed in after her. I know because I timed it.
Braelynn had been through hell and back. She had pulled away from her sister, her friends, and me, but never had I expected that her problems were this grand. Though I had tried on countless occasions to forget her, replace the old images of us with new ones, the woman who stood before me as I pushed the bathroom door open was crying for help.
It was like getting punched in the nuts. Braelynn stood over the counter, a lit cigarette stuck in her mouth as she used the heavy wine bottle to crush the capsules she had poured out on the counter. Lost in what she was doing, she didn’t hear the door close behind me. Instead, she was focused on slamming the bottle repeatedly on the counter.
When it looked like she was satisfied with what she was doing, she popped the cork from the wine. Bringing the wine bottle to her lips, she tipped her head back and chugged on the wine. After multiple gulps she came up for air, placed the nearly empty bottle on the counter, and yanked out a credit card and a dollar bill from her purse.
I stood paralyzed. It seemed like I was watching a scene from a movie—an addict needing its fix. Braelynn had reached the cusp and fallen off the cliff. The woman I loved was gone. Tears poured down her face as she cut the powder into lines. She was hurting, working as fast as she could to cut the powder until it was fine. Through the mirrors in the bathroom, I could see her devastated expression. She sniffled back, clearing her nasal cavity before she rolled the dollar bill into a straw.
She leaned closer to the sink, bringing her nose to the rolled up dollar, breathing slowly as her hand shook. It was then that I found my voice.
“Braelynn…don’t.” She paused, her eyes closing. Tears dripped down her face and onto the counter, but she still had not moved from her stance. “Please, Braelynn. Don’t do this. I’m begging you.”
Her eyes slowly peeled open, focused on the lines in front of her. “I…need this. I need to feel … numb.” She sobbed, her focus only the on the drug in front of her.
My muscles began to work again, and I tiptoed toward her, trying not to spook her. Her head turned faintly in my direction. “I knew you were here.” Her voice was so weak my chest ached. “My body felt your presence. It ignites when you’re around. The hair on the back of my neck stands when you stand close to me.” She closed her eyes, breathing in her pain. “After all this time I can’t turn you off.” She stood, her dull green eyes opening for me. “Why can’t I seem to turn you off?”
“Let me help you,” I said, only inches away from her.
“You want to help?”
I could only nod. The look in her eyes petrified me. The bright irises that once resided in them were gone, replaced with a gloomy overcast. She was out of her own element. “You should’ve helped by believing me when we were at the hospital.” The muscles in her throat contracted as she swallowed. “That was when I needed your help. Not now.”
“Lynn…” My hands reached up to cup her face, the words to beg her to forgive me lodged in my throat.
“No, don’t Lynn me, Haas.” The way she said my name was as if she tasted bile in her mouth. “You want to help now? After all the damage is done? All I need from you is to either leave me alone or fuck me.” Her hands were trembling at her side. “Just like you did before. Fuck me senseless.”
“I’ve always believed you.” My voice was finally returning.
“Shut up!” she y
elled, the pain screeching out of her chest. “Either you fuck me right here and make me forget who I am, make me forget what happened to me, make me forget the doubt I saw in your eyes, or get the fuck out of my life and let me get high.”
I tugged her towards me, my arms wrapping around her frail body as I looked into her eyes. I needed to see that she was still in there. Through all the pain and fear that she was displaying, Braelynn—my Braelynn—was still there.
Guiding her until her back was up against the counter, my hands reached up and I cupped her face. With her eyes forced shut, she sobbed quietly in my arms. “Look at me,” I whispered.
“Let me go.” Her voice was barely audible.
“Let me help you.”
“I gave you the two ways you can help,” she cried, finally gathering the courage to look up at me.
“That’s not the only way I can help you. I can you get you professional help, Braelynn. You have a serious problem.”
Anger flashed through her eyes and she moved her knee up quickly, slamming it right into my balls. “Fuck!” The blinding pain caused my hands to leave her and I staggered away. My breath caught in my throat as I tried to breathe through the sharp pain. She pulled away from my grasp and my head lowered as I cupped my balls.
“I never asked you for help. I didn’t need you to protect me then, and I don’t need it now. The only thing I ever asked of you was to believe me, but I guess that’s bullshit, huh?”
She looked at me through the mirror one last time before she brought her makeshift straw to her nose. Drawing in a deep breath, she snorted the remaining contents. I watched as her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she pinched her nostrils, inhaling deeply before taking the last swig of her wine. She packed her clutch and left without a word. I stood bent over in the back corner, shocked, distraught and wounded by what had happened.
When I felt I could walk out of the women’s restroom without limping or making a scene, I fixed my tie and pulled the door open. The party was ending and Gus and Kennedy were saying farewell to their friends, but I couldn’t care less. I needed them to explain. My fists locked at my side as I marched over to them. How could they look the other way while their friend was wasting her life away to nothing?
I tried to calm my rapid breath but by the time I reached them there was no use. I was fuming. “Did you know?” I asked them between gritted teeth.
“Peyton, you’re leaving already?” Kennedy grabbed my elbow, turning me away from her parents and Caleb, who stood behind her and Gus.
I kept my voice low when I spoke again, but they both saw the rage in my eyes. “I witnessed her snort half of some pill bottle and wash it the fuck down with wine like she was at a candy buffet.” Gus’s hand massaged his eyes before he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Did you fucking know?”
“Fuck,” Kennedy cursed under her breath. “We assumed so.”
“You assumed? You fucking assumed! You both told me she was doing well. That she was working and living on her own.” I was furious. For the last four months, anytime I had bumped into Kennedy or reached out to Gus they’d both assured me that Braelynn was doing well. Gus had informed me she had a job and an apartment. Though I’d tried numerous private agencies to find her, she wasn’t listed anywhere in the tri–state area under an apartment lease or as an employee. I knew she didn’t talk to Kennedy much, but Gus stated he spoke to her at least twice a month.
“Peyton, it’s not that easy.” I felt Gus’s hand on my chest. “She won’t let us close enough to speak to her.” Gus bowed his head, shaking it lightly. “Three weekends ago was the first time I had seen her in the past three months. The second I spotted her I knew something was wrong. She was different, but how was I supposed to know it had gotten that bad.”
“She rushed out of the restaurant so fast that Gus and I didn’t have a chance to follow her.” Kennedy’s arms wrapped around Gus’s waist.
“Do either of you know where she lives?” I asked, hoping for some kind lifeline. My hopes were quickly dashed when they both shook their heads.
“Not even Loren knows where she lives. She has been MIA from all of us,” Gus said, taking in a deep breath. “Just having her to agree to meet me for brunch took two months of begging. She’s keeping us all in the dark.”
“She’s in the fucking dark. She’s out wandering the streets of New York drunk and fucking high. Can you imagine what kind of trouble she is getting herself into?” My hands ran through my hair and I latched onto the back of my neck. She may have pushed me away once before and I let her. I thought it was the right thing to do. Seeing her laying in the hospital bed, broken, I had no idea how to fix her. No idea how to be the man she needed me to be. But I was wrong. Dead fucking wrong. She needed me now more than ever. And I wasn’t letting her push me away again, regardless of how hard she may try.
I pulled my cell phone from my blazer’s inner pocket and handed it to Gus. “I need her cell phone number.”
“It’s a burner phone, she changes it every few weeks.”
“Well, let’s pray she hasn’t changed it yet.”
Gus typed her contact into my phone and handed it back to me. “Are you planning on chasing her through Manhattan?” Kennedy asked.
“If I have to.”
“If you scare her off, she’ll run again,” Kennedy continued. “You have to find a way to communicate with her that she’ll understand. If she’s high, yelling at her isn’t going to do anything. You need to be there for her when she’s coming down off the high, that way she’ll be able to hear you.”
I didn’t care.
I was already heading out of the party and looking for Braelynn. I looked around for my driver Louis. It wasn’t a good day not to have my own fucking car. I left the restaurant and walked to the first corner block, looking for the limo. Instead of locating the black town limo, I noticed Louis jogging my way. His stocky body was a clear sign that running wasn’t his strong suit. He held his hand over his driver hat as he ran towards me.
“Mr. Hass!” he shouted. His face was drenched in sweat as he heaved. Leaning forward, he grabbed his knees, gasping for breath. “She … Ms. Wolf …”
“What?”
“Ms. Wolf …” he began speaking again to only stop short.
“What about her, Louis? Did you see where she went?” I asked, bending to look at his face. He nodded vigorously. “Where is she?”
I straightened, looking behind him, looking for any trace of her.
“She ran out of the party with tears in her eyes. I’m sorry, sir. I shouldn’t have followed her, but I figured you’d want to know.” His breath seemed to regulate slowly. “I followed her. She’s five blocks past the Brooklyn Bridge at the Holiday Inn.”
Tapping Louis on his back, I ran forward searching for her. My shoes slapped against the concrete as I pushed further. I weaved through the busy streets of Manhattan, crossing streets as cars headed in my direction. But I couldn’t stop. I wanted to assure myself that she was going to be okay. That in the event she began to overdose, I would be there to help her. And most of all, I needed to find her so I could make sure she never left my side again.
I pushed against the revolving door for the Holiday Inn and walked straight to Guest Services. “Hi, thank you for choosing the Holiday Inn. How may I help you today?” the receptionist greeted me.
“I’m looking for Braelynn Wolf. Has she checked in?” I said breathlessly.
“I’m sorry, sir. Unfortunately, I cannot give you that information. I can only assist you if you have her room number. We have a strict policy here to not disclose our guests’ information.”
“Thank you.”
There was no point in arguing. Unlike any of the hotels I had been to on my way over here, this one had a busy lounge area. A soft jazz band played and a ruckus of voices poured out of the large room. The jazz band finished their song and I found the only opportunity I had to call her, hoping that her phone wasn’t on silent. I took my phone out
of my pocket and dialed her number.
I spotted her on the second ring, her lips wrapped around a martini glass as she tipped it back, ignoring her phone. Two men sat on either side of her; one watched her carefully as the other’s hand slid under her dress. She didn’t flinch, she didn’t stop him. Instead, she slammed her martini glass and put the olives in her mouth. Appalled, I stood watching. She had left me no longer than twenty minutes ago with enough powder in her nose that I thought I’d find her passed out on the side of the road. Instead, she was here tossing back more liquor while two men fondled her.
Once she finished her second drink, she stood and grabbed her purse from the bar top. The men didn’t hesitate. As one paid her tab, the other snaked his arm around her shoulder. She pulled away from him, her face angry as she spoke. He tossed his hands in the air in an attempt to apologize, and I watched as they continued moving towards the elevator. Braelynn pressed the button and looked up to see which floor the elevator was on. She stumbled back and forth; she had to be pretty fucked up. The second the two assholes high-fived each other at her lack of stability, I lost all control. I assumed they were planning on tag teaming her limp, intoxicated body and there was no chance in hell that I was letting that happen. Not now, not ever again.
I walked over to the first guy. He was shorter than me by an easy six inches. Without any hesitation, I tapped him on his shoulder. The rage that had built inside of me had come out to play. Once he turned toward me, my fist collided with his face. I hit him dead across the jaw, making him fall back into his friend’s arms. My hand tingled from the impact but it felt great.
“What the fuck, dude?” the second asshole asked. My fist clenched at my side, I pulled back and hit him before he had a chance to ask another question. I felt the hard bone of his cheek meet my fist before it cracked under the force of my blow.
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