by Lynn, Davida
“Kade had some bad stuff happen to him in the last few months. One thing after another. His partner is in the hospital right now, as a matter of fact. Yeah, what the guys said is true—he’s crazy about you. He’s also going through some major shit. He’s on mandatory leave right now because of it. I’m not excusing what he did. I’m just asking you to open your mind a little.”
He looked around as people began to file into the cafeteria area for their meals. “You know what it’s like helping people when they’re at their worst. It weighs on you. It’s weighing on him. By the way, he doesn’t know we’re here, so don’t get angry with him on account of us. That’s all I’ve got to say, I guess. I don’t think he’ll contact you. As far as he’s concerned, he blew it. If you don’t agree, you know where to find us.”
I spent the rest of the day furious. Furious with the firefighters, furious with Kade, and furious with myself. I knew my resolve had been shattered, and I knew what that meant.
God, was I glad to be back at work. The break was nice, but the time in my own head was a nightmare. Two weeks off felt like an eternity. The shrink had cleared me to come back to work, and I damn near hugged him when he did. I did one thing well: worked hard. I beat down the fiery beast with everything inside me. When I couldn’t do that, all I did was think about my mistakes.
The number one mistake running through my head for two weeks? One Layne Manchester. A great girl with everything going for her. She was sweet, smart, and one look at her took my breath away. I always owned up to my mistakes, and that was one big fuck-up on my part.
The first thing I did after breakfast with the guys was work out. I had so much pent up energy, and I had to do something with it. I’d been restless for two weeks, and I worked it all off in the weight room. I came out sweaty and with a clear head for a change.
I turned on the shower, leaving the water cold. Stepping in was a rush unto itself. I sucked in a quick breath as the icy currents splashed over my tired muscles. I’d be sore the next day, and it would feel amazing. As usual, the second I lathered up my hair, our tones dropped.
“Fuck,” I said, but there was a wide smile on my face. My strength returned in an instant as the dispatcher’s call came out over our speakers.
“Attention Engine 37, accident with injuries at the corner of Vernor Highway and Lawndale Street. Overturned vehicle with entrapment.”
As she repeated the call, I rinsed as much shampoo out of my hair as I could, then sprinted to my cot, one hand keeping the towel in place. I threw my clothes over my soaking skin and ran for the bay.
“Two weeks off and he gets rusty. Get your ass in gear, Kade!” Jonah, one of my brothers, was hanging out the door of the engine and yelling to me as I stepped into my boots and bunker pants. I yanked them up and grabbed my jacket and helmet.
The back door to the engine was open, but I heard the air brakes let off. I ran for the open door as Alfonzo slowly pulled out of the bay. I could see him smiling at me in the rear view mirror, taunting me. Just outside the garage door, I grabbed onto the handle and hoisted myself into the cab.
“Just in the nick of time, McCaffery. I have no problem leaving your dripping wet ass at the station.”
I threw my jacket to the floor, grinning wide. “Glad to see you again, too Fonz.”
We made a left out of the station. My adrenaline was flowing, the siren was wailing, and I felt relaxed for the first time in weeks. A car crash would be a nice way to ease back into work. Nothing too strenuous. We’d cut the trapped people out, get them ready to transport, and I’d feel like I was back in the game before anything too serious came up.
We had just turned the corner when I spotted someone out my window. I had just enough time to get a glance as we roared past her. I tried to roll the window down in time, but we were already through the intersection, air horn blasting us a clear path. It was her, but I could barely believe it.
The rescue went like clockwork. An SUV had flipped onto its side, so after we stabilized it, we cut open the back hatch and got the people out with only a few scrapes and scratches between them. Even though it was simple, it felt like a big win to hear their thanks. The work was great, because it gave me time to think about who I’d seen walking toward the station as we rolled out.
I really thought I’d never see her again. I thought that even if I called Layne, she’d want nothing to do with me. I had screwed things up royally, far beyond the point of an apology and some flowers. In my meetings with the shrink, I had pretty much resigned myself to trying to forget about Layne. Then I saw her outside my fire station, and I felt so stupid for giving up.
My mind had been on autopilot while we worked the call. I wanted to get it done and get back to the station to make sure I wasn’t just seeing things. My heart ached at the prospect of seeing her again. I wanted to explain everything to her. I wanted to open that door and let out all the painful memories. I knew she’d listen, and I knew she’d understand.
“Engine 37 has cleared the scene. Returning to station.”
Hearing Jonah broadcast that message to dispatch was such a relief. After forty minutes at the car crash, we were finally heading back. My heart raced like I was in the weight room again. I closed my eyes, hoping to God Layne would still be there waiting for me.
Fonz backed the engine into the station, and I saw her again. The ache in my chest was back, but worse than ever. There was Layne, leaning on the brick wall beside the garage door looking cool as hell.
It took every bit of instinct not to panic. She was there, all right, and that meant that I had some explaining to do.
Alfonzo walked past me next to my locker. “Well?”
He snapped me out of my mental pep-talk. “Well, what?”
“You gonna go out and talk to her, or what?”
I shook my head, a nervous laugh escaping. “Jesus, does everyone here know my business?” All Fonz did was smile and lean against the lockers. That was a fucking yes.
I sucked it up and headed toward the bay doors. I tried to think of what I’d say, and of course, I came up blank.
I walked out the open garage door and turned to her. God, she looked like an oasis in the desert. Layne was the girl next door that made you want to stay home all day long. I was sure I had a dumb look on my face, but there was just no stopping it.
“Really glad to see you, Layne.” It was lame, but I couldn’t think of anything else at the time.
She gave me a half-hearted smile. “How are you?”
I could hear the sadness in her voice and it killed me. She’d come to the station as a favor to someone, probably someone inside. My heart thudded against my ribs as if it knew what to say better than I did.
I struggled to find the right combination of words that would help her see where I was coming from. But nothing came to me, so I had to say the next best thing. “I’m a chickenshit.”
“What?”
I looked into her gorgeous, sweet eyes. “I’m a coward.”
She shook her head. “Kade, I don’t understand.”
I sighed. “I freaked out because of something that happened to me a few months ago. That’s not why I’m a coward, though. I’m a chickenshit coward because I couldn’t tell you what happened, and I couldn’t apologize. I couldn’t call or try to make it up to you. It’s been eating at me for weeks. I can’t stop thinking about you, but every time I try to fix this, I freeze up.”
Despite pouring my feelings out to Layne, I could see that she wasn’t tripping over herself to forgive me. Good for her. She crossed her arms. “After what I thought was a really great connection and an amazing few weeks, you ran off. You abandoned and embarrassed me, and then I don’t hear anything from you?”
“I owe you an explanation.”
Layne turned her hands up to me. “I’m all ears.” I wanted to smile. She was a tough girl, and it only made me ache more for having hurt her.
We sat across from each other on the picnic table. I wanted to look past her
as I spoke, but I knew that I couldn’t treat Layne like I treated the psychiatrist. It was hard, but I kept my eyes on her.
“There was a fire in May. I was inside doing a search and found two small kids. The house was going up quick and I tried to get them out, but I ended up falling through the second-story floor. They both died, and I got this.”
For the first time, I pulled down the Under Armour high-neck I’d thrown on in the engine after my shower. I had tried so hard to keep Layne from seeing the scar even in bed. I tried to keep everyone from seeing it, but she needed to. It was a part of me, a constant reminder tattooed into my flesh. We’d made love in near darkness because of it.
I rolled the neckline down, feeling my heavy pulse in my jugular as I did. Layne’s expression changed, but not how most people’s did. I saw understanding in her eyes. A single tear dripped down her cheek. I leaned across with a free hand and brushed it from her soft skin with my thumb. Layne reached up and took my hand.
“His name was Marco. He was four years old. He had a sister named LaTonya who was six. I went to their funerals and met their family. It was heartbreaking to hear them thank me. Thank me for what? I hadn’t saved those kids. I felt like a failure, Layne.” She squeezed my hand.
“My sleep started getting worse and worse. My work started suffering, and not too long ago, my partner, Rico, fell from a third-story landing and ended up in the hospital.”
“Oh my God, Kade.”
I shook it off. “Detroit Fire forced me to take two weeks off to recuperate. After what happened in May, I had to start seeing a shrink, and then the incident with Rico meant they couldn’t take a chance on me.”
“That’s awful.” I didn’t know what Layne was referring to as awful. She might have explained, but I stopped her.
“But you did. You took a chance on me. I know you didn’t know how broken I was inside. Hell, I didn’t know how broken I was. When that waiter said his name was Marco, something snapped. I had a panic attack and ran. It was the coward’s way out, but I couldn’t explain it to you in the state of mind I was in.”
For a while, Layne just looked at me, squeezing my hand. My mind raced. She might have just been feeling pity, which was no good. She’d feel sorry for me, see me as a wounded puppy, and lose the idea that I was anything but broken.
“You were going to tell me this on our first date, weren’t you?”
I nodded. “I was. You made it really easy to open up.”
She pulled away. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry, I totally screwed it up!”
“No, Layne.” I chuckled and pulled her back to the picnic table. “You were perfect. In that moment, everything was perfect. Neither of us knew what was going to happen. I just… I just want another chance. With everything out in the open.”
“You know why I came back?”
I didn’t. “Why?”
Layne tilted her head back toward the station, her curls bouncing behind her shoulders. “Your crew came to volunteer at Helping Hands last weekend. Eight guys came, and all eight of them came up to me at some point to tell me about you. They told me about how strong, kind, and how brave you are.”
I shook my head. “I’m brave when it comes to fire. Flames have swallowed me up more times than I can count, but when it comes to you, I’m a wreck.”
Layne smiled. “Kade, life gets messy, but you left me completely in the dark.”
“I know I did, and it tore me apart. It’s still tearing me apart. I understand if this isn’t enough, or if I’ve damaged things beyond repair. I appreciate you giving in to the guys, though.” I thought that was it. I had done my best, but I didn’t see much for me in her eyes.
I stood up to walk back to the station, but Layne still had a grip on my hand. I turned back to her. There was a smile on her face as she stood.
“Kiss me.”
Despite being a little surprised, I obliged. She had her hands at my neck, pulling me down to meet her. Her kiss was so freeing, as if all the pain I’d been carrying had suddenly been lifted right off me. I wrapped an arm around her, pulling the gorgeous woman against me. My heart started racing all over again.
When she broke the kiss, she took my face in her hands. “You’re not forgiven, but you are back in my good graces.”
“That’s a hell of a start,” I said, kissing her neck.
She laughed, shaking her head. “Firefighters. They think they’re so tough until you ask them about their feelings.”
In my head, there was only one feeling; only one thing I wanted to say to her. It was so simple, yet so powerful. I wanted to blurt those words out, but that wall was still up. It was insulating me from myself and from her. My mouth ran dry.
“Layne, I… I…”
That was when the tones for my station dropped.
I jumped at the sound. Past Kade, a voice came from somewhere inside the fire station. I wasn’t used to hearing that shrill warble coming out of any building, but I guessed it made sense. Firefighters—any time, any place.
He turned to me and I could see utter despair on his face. “Layne, I gotta run.”
My mouth dropped open. I knew he had to. I understood that. But I had a feeling Kade was about to tell me something very big. I could hear the apprehension in his voice. I thought I’d faint right up until the emergency call interrupted us.
I hung my head. “I know.”
Kade pulled me against him for one more hard kiss. It was passionate and powerful, like he took my breath with him when he pulled away. I could see in his eyes that it might be a last kiss. Was that what it meant to be a firefighter? That every goodbye, every kiss might be the last?
An SUV with red lights on top pulled to a stop, and I recognized the older firefighter from Helping Hands. “Kade, you feel like maybe getting your ass in gear? We got a fully involved house fire.”
Despite the lump rising in my throat, I pushed him away. “Go. Do your job,” I said with a smile on my face. Hearing Kade tell me about what was happening inside his head helped me understand him better. If I had known before, I might have been able to help him control his panic attack.
He started running back toward the front of the station. The older man, the one who had finally convinced me to talk to Kade, called out to me. “Want to see your man at work, Layne? Hop in.”
I stared at him. “Really?”
“Really, but you gotta get your ass in gear, too. We gotta roll.”
I let out a sound that was almost a squeal as I ran for the SUV. Kade whipped around the corner as I ran around to the passenger side.
“Seatbelts, please.” The older guy hit the gas and turned on a siren. I grabbed onto the door handle as he barreled through a stoplight without slowing down at all. I was diving headfirst into the world of firefighting, and it was terrifying.
I turned around to see a fire truck following us with an even louder siren. I knew Kade was on board. My heart raced and jolted adrenaline throughout my whole body.
I’d never driven through the streets of Detroit so fast. We were on small roads, but the driver, Clay, looked completely composed. A radio between our seats was blasting, but I could barely understand any of it.
We rounded a corner and I saw thick, black smoke rising. A few more corners and the smoke got closer and larger. Soon I could see the flames coming out of the top of a house.
Clay parked just past it and I turned around to see the engine parking in front. He got out and leaned into the window. “Stay in here. You’ll have a front row seat.”
I was going to say something, but Clay was already running back to the engine. I turned to watch what was going on. Men got out of the fire truck, but they were all wearing jackets, so I couldn’t pick Kade out. I counted five firefighters getting out of the truck.
