by Elaine May
“Daddy just told me. Our parents.” I want to scream out at my own father’s betrayal.
How could he even think of doing something like this to his only child?
“Our parents signed a contract. We’re supposed to get married.”
“Oh my God, Noelle, that’s amazing, we’re going to be sisters.”
“Amazing? Did you forget what your brother was like? What he did to me?”
“Oh Noelle, he always had a thing for you.”
“He had a funny way of showing it.” I hear my best friend sigh from her end of the call and I just want to cry at the memories of that moment. The moment everything changed.
“Look, Sammy’s whining, I have to let him out.” I say, not wanting to talk any more about him or this situation I find myself in.I end the call, I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere with my best friend. We’ve been friends since Reception, she’s seen me through so many things including her idiot of a brother, but I know she has always hoped that we could be together. I throw my phone across the room in a rage, it bounces off the wall and lands on the floor with a crack. That’s my phone broken then. Good.No one can get hold of me if it’s broken.I can feel my blood start to boil again just at the mere thought of that man’s name. My best friend’s brother, I always said that Louisa was my best girlfriend and Charlton my best boyfriend.
I thought I was so lucky.
How wrong could one person be?
I am filling with this new revelation like I am just barely holding onto my own lifeat the moment and there is no one around to pull me back up to safety.
No one I trust. I walk up and down the hallway of my flat in a state of limbo. I am like a zombie, walking around the streets in an inhuman state, I have no pulse, no feelings, I am in that place where a soul lingers after its own demise.
Charlton Williams is trying to ruin me, or that’s how I am feeling and I haven’t even seen him yet. Just the thought of him is sending my mind into turmoil. I fall on my sofa as Sammy comes over and rests his head on my lap, his brown chocolate eyes looking up at me, wondering what is wrong with me. I run my fingers through his fur and hold his face close to me as I move to get closer to his comfort.
“The world’s gone insane, Sammy.” I whisper and Sammy raises his head and tilts it to the left in that adorable way only a dog can as if to say what are you talking about.
“I’m not marrying that man and there’s nothing Daddy can do to make me.” I say to him and after a while Sammy climbs up with me, demanding my full attention and it’s as if that’s all I can do.
Time seems to pass with no sense of speed and I just want to keep myself in my own isolation where I know I will be safer. My home phone rings but I just ignore it, the endless ringing sends chills down my spine as the fear that it could be my father or worse, Charlton, to make true our parents’ demands dominates my thoughts.
I am in my own continuum.
I can’t eat.
I can hardly sleep and when I do all I can see is the vision that has become so clear in my mind over and over again. A large field, my hands in both my parents’ as a family of four comes towards us.
A little boy a few years older than me.
Perfect features surrounded by a cloak of black hair and those eyes that have harassed me ever since. Beautiful hazel eyes that keep me trapped each night as my mind forces me to remember that day. I thought it had only been a dream but perhaps there was more truth than I ever realised. Perhaps they are more than just dreams but memories of a past I have tried to forget. If I had known then what I do now I would have stayed clear.
As night turns to early morning the sky is grey. I stare out my window from my place on my sofa, Sammy laid out next to me, his head in my lap. The day is bleak andcloudy and the view just seems to make my new situation more dire. Even the sun doesn’t want to make an appearance after yesterday’s news.
I can’t blame it.
Daddy wants me to marry that man.
Charlton Williams. He must be insane
Daddy said that he only wants the best for me.
He wants me to have help with the business. I am angry.
I am upset, I feel like I have been betrayed and even though I feel all these things, in the background of my mind I can still remember all the love Charlton and I shared together. But to him it meant nothing. Over the years I have forced myself to think the same way, throughout the years I have managed to build a wall around myself and I can’t see past the high buildings that want to keep me trapped. Hopefully Charlton won’t see above them either, if he can he isn’t welcome.
How can Daddy expect me to want to be so close to that man ever again? I never told him what happened, I kept it to myself and wallowed in self-pity for a while with my own company.
Visions of that cocky smile of his, those bloody hazel eyes again come back to me and I have to race to the bathroom to be sick. Oh God, there is no way I can even think of seeing that man again. The warm air of my flat attacks my lungs, but nothing can seem to help the pain that wants to take flight in my heart. I don’t know how to function.
How can my own father do this to me?
CharltonWilliams.
Charlton fucking Williams is supposed to be my husband. I don’t think so.
Over my dead body. It is as if everyone is implying that my life is that pathetic if I don’t have a man in it to help me. So pathetic is my life that I need my own father to intervene on my behalf. My life is pathetic or so they want me to think, my tears shed not only for my broken heart but for my broken life as well. At some point Sammy starts to whine and I let him out on the balcony to do his business and that’s when my home phone starts up again. Annoyed at everything happening in my world I pick the damn thing up and answer without even looking at the screen to see who wants to harass me again.
“What?”
“Is that any way to speak to your father?”
“What do you want, Daddy?”
“I haven’t heard from you since yesterday. I tried calling you but you never answered and your mobile goes straight to answer machine.” He says, sounding hopeful.
“Yes, well, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind yesterday. I’m still not.”
“Well you have to get back to it Noelle.”
“Pardon me?” Is he being serious right now? And I hate the way he says my name like that.
“You have to get back to it, we have a dinner date tonight.” Oh God, why do I have the feeling this isn’t a father-daughter event we like to do together. My heart starts to descend right down to the pit of my stomach at the other scenarios that race through my mind.
“Dinner date? Daddy, I can’t. I’m not well.”
“Well, I’m sorry, sweetheart but the table has been booked and we have a lot to talk about with the Williams’.”
“Daddy, I am not getting married and I’m definitely not meeting with the Williams’ tonight.”
“I’m afraid you are. The Williams’ have done a lot for us and I’m not letting them down. I won’t let Charlton down, not after what happened with his grandfather.”
“What do you mean? I don’t understand any of this.”I hear Daddy let out a frustrated huff of air as if he’s had enough of this already. You and me both, Daddy, you and me both.
“There was a big fallout between Mr Williams and his brother and father just before his father died. The brother took the business for himself and his son and Charlton and his sister have to share their parents’ estate. Mr Williams always thought his son would help with the business and now there’s nothing left.
“Daddy, what’s all this got to do with me? I don’t understand any of this.” I can hear the tears in my own voice as I plead with my own father, but it doesn’t seem to get through to him.
“Why don’t you take some paracetamol and have a rest? You still have a few hours before we have to be at the restaurant.”
“But Daddy, I can’t. Please don’t make me.” I’m forced to beg
the longer Daddy makes me think that this is my fate.
That he won’t help get me out of this.
“The car will pick you up at seven thirty, sweetheart.”
“Dadd...” Before I can even finish his name he has already ended the call and my heart sinks to the fiery pits of my soul.
Does he not care about what I think about all this?
It’s my life, don’t I have a say?
All Daddy ever did was rain unconditional love upon me but now it is as if he is throwing me to the wolves.
Does he no longer care about what I want. I am sounding more and more like a spoilt child who isn’t getting her own way. But this isn’t about getting my own way, this is about my future, my life and do I not have a right to say what direction my future goes down? You would think so, but my father obviously feels differently.
I do not have any desire to get marriedat the moment and especially not to Charlton Williams.
I have to do something.
This can’t be the end.
CHAPTER FOUR
I settled into school really well, my best friend was Louisa, my teacher was really nice and I loved every minute of it. Louisa and I would cook up plans to go to each other’s houses after school and we were really lucky because our Mummies would let us. When I went over to Louisa’s we would play with her brother when he didn’t have a friend over himself and we had so much fun together. He was just as nice as his sister and I loved it when we could all play together.
A long time ago we turned from just being friends to something else and I thought he was the best thing in the world.
He saw me, the real me and he had me in his sights. When he got what he wanted, though, he left me high and dry. Looking back I know the blame was mine, I was young and foolish and I fell into his whirlpool of lies and deceits. The turning currents made me blind to what was going on around me and I didn’t see the truth staring me right in the face. Looking back at it now with a wiser head the signs were all around me as loud as a bang. I thought I had left that all behind me but with one mention of his name I am back to that stupid girl again.
I am being forced back into the lion’s den and I have no idea how I am going to survive it. One look at Charlton Williams’ face and I will be that girl again. Bile starts to thicken at the back of my throat and I just want to expel it all out. My body starts to shake, my hands and brows start to bubble with sweat as my breathing gets heavier and I just know I’m starting to panic. I close my eyes and let the blackness consume me as I try to take in deep calming breaths.
Once.
Twice.
A third and then a fourth and then I manage to open my eyes again.
I look at myself in my mirror, the bile of sickness creeping up my throat. I’m wearing my beautiful Chanel navy dress. It’s tight around my breasts with a heart-shaped neckline down to my tummy where it flares outto rest just above my knee. The sleeves rest just off my shoulders and my shoulder-length curly dark hair is pulled back into a half-up/half-down ‘do’, framing my heart-shaped face. My makeup is natural with a light smoky effect highlighting my blue eyes and a light red gloss coating my lips. I don’t look too bad, I can only wish that I was dressing up for anything other than this. I’m just going to please my father, I’m not agreeing to anything. If they think they can bully me into anything else then they will be sadly disappointed. I look down at my watch and notice the time, Daddy will already be waiting. I slip into my black shoes and then grab my slip and wrap it around my shoulders and take my clutch. My legs feel wobbly with nerves as I step out of my flat, lock my door and go to the elevator, swiping my card as I rest my back against the cold mirror, trying to stay calm.
I can’t believe I’m about to do this, my head is already spinning and reeling before I even meet Daddy.
I meet him by the back entrance just as the car pulls up. We once had a beautiful house just outside of London but after Mummy died it just didn’t seem right anymore so Daddy sold it and had a flatmade for us above the store. Now that I’m grown I have the space below Daddy’s, it’s home and I love it but it doesn’t always feel right. Daddy opens the door for me and I climb in and watch as Daddy sits down next to me. The sun has set and darkness is covering the world in a thin blanket and it still seems so gloomy and depressing with everything that has happened in the last few days. The world seems to represent my heart so well. I feel it sinking further down my body as the car starts to move, taking me further to my doom. I feel Daddy’s hand take hold of mine, squeezing it tight in reassurance. I look over at him and he seems so relaxed and casual.
“I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but it will be ok.” He says but I turn away from him and look out the window as my head continues to throb. The car comes to a stop and Daddy helps me out, his eyes when I make contact begging me to go along with his plan. Daddy takes my hand again and leads me to the front entrance of the restaurant and I’ve never felt so nervous with fear.
Fear for the unknown.
Fear for the past.
We step through the doors and the sounds that greet me do nothing for my head. It’s so loud and I’m sure someone is using my brain as a drum.I become hyper-aware as soon as my feet settle on the tiled floor, as my skin begins toprickle and my belly starts to flip. I look around the room as a waitress greets my father, knowing instantly that Charlton is close by. I’m rendered motionless, none of my limbs seem to be able to move. I’m rendered speechless as I see him in the middle of the floor with his parents. He’s still the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life, he’s just a little older and from the look of him, wiser. My heart skips too many beats and I can’t help but look at anything but him. He’s still absolutely stunning as he comes to a stop only a few feet away from me. He is standing six feet tall with short black hair, and those hazel eyes of his that just dance with different colours. He is picture-perfect, a pretty boy. His eyes speak of intelligence. His lips are perfectly formed and there is a small hint of a five o’clock shadow coating his jaw and throat. I can see the flow of muscles in his neck as they travel to a shirt that is open at his neck as he swallows with what I hope is nerves. He was always so sure of himself, so cocky but he has the right. Perfect, perfect features, perfect everything and it could make any sane woman sick. No man has the right to look this good but the good-looking boy I once knew has now turned into a handsome man.He looks so male, so perfect, but I know a sinner lurks behind his good looks. He’s watching me like I am the only woman in the room, the only person on his radar. He has strong cheekbones and my head becomes clouded with the mist of his strong aftershave. I feel exposed, I can feel my cheeks flush as his eyes continue to look me up and down, his jaw remaining tight.
“Noelle, you remember Mr and Mrs Williams and their son Charlton?” Daddy says with a look in his eyes just begging me to go along with this little scene.
“Mr and Mrs Williams, I’d like to say it was nice to see you all again.” I try to swallow, fighting something that wants to come out and fight and the cocky bastard that’s Charlton Williams just smiles at me. Mrs Williams gasps and looks to my father with alarm.
“What is going on?” Mrs Williams asks my father and I can see both fathers looking at each other and then throwing their faces in my direction like they know what is going on in my head.
“I’m afraid my daughter is not too keen on the idea at the moment.” I watch as all three Williams’ faces fall, take that, you can’t always get what you think your family deserve even if you are a family friend. Your son will not get me.
“Well, it’s early days. I have plenty of time to win her over.” Charlton says with a confident tone and a wink in my direction that makes everyone else in our party laugh.
The cocky bastard is talking as if it will be so easy for him to make me fall in love with him again, I don’t think so. I see his eyes take a slow glance at my breasts and the tip of his tongue licks his bottom lip. My nipples seem to get a life of their own as the
y stand to attention at his sole focus and Charlton only smirks as if he knows what he’s doing to my body already.
“Yes you do darling and we won’t all meet up like this too often.” Mrs Williams turns to me.
“We’ll leave the two of you to have some fun on your own.”
Fun? What does she think we’ll be doing? I’ll be telling her son to bugger off, that’s what’s going to be happening if we have any time together and I have the chance. Knock that stupid smile right off his face. I dare to look at him again through my lashes and his eyes are still on me, looking confident as if he already has me where he wants me. Oh handsome, I could really be your worst nightmare given half the chance.
“I’m sure we will be just fine, Mother.” Charlton says as he gives me another wink but this time I can see the way the corner of Charlton’s lip pointsup at his own words. He’s enjoying this, he thinks it’s funny, bastard. I turn to look at each of our parents.
“We’ll see.” And I don’t even try to hide my distaste for the situation. A waiter comes over to us to lead us to our table and as I walk behind our parents Charlton takes a hold of my hand and leans in close to my ear. His aftershave seems even more powerful as it engulfs my nose the longer he lingers, far too close for comfort.
“You’ve turned into a beautiful woman Noelle. I couldn’t be happier about this.”
I stop dead and turn to him, just wanting to push him away from me and run as fast as I can.
“You may be happy about this.” I stop as our parents stop to look at us, so much hopefulness in their eyes.
“But I’m not.” I turn on him making an effort to flip my hair in his direction, the hair he once teased. I make my way to where our parents are waiting for us at our table and Charlton comes up beside me and pulls out a chair,gesturing for me to take my seat. I take a quick look over at Daddy, his begging eyes closing in on me as I take my seat. As I move in beneath the table Charlton leans in again.
“Why’s that little princess?”
