Lyssa shook her head slowly. “Last night was fun, but there’s a thin line between love and hate. Did you ever stop to wonder why he annoys you so much?”
“I think you’ve been reading too many of Sophie’s romance novels.” I ruffled her hair, like I used to when she was younger. On non-pageant days when it was normal little kid hair and not big, poufy beehive hair.
She scooted back out of my reach. “Whatever, Sam. You may know nerd stuff like comic books and robots, but I know guys.”
I grimaced. “You’re only fifteen. It gets more complicated than hanging out with guys at Dairy Queen, but thanks for the advice.”
“And when was the last time you went to Dairy Queen with anybody?”
Damn, she got me. I had no witty comeback. She was right about the whole Dairy Queen situation. It had been a while.
I wouldn’t have minded having a date every now and then, but it’s not like I had a ton of options considering I was the nerd-girl from a Bigfoot-hunting family. But Lyssa was dead wrong about Devan. Any spark between us was one of anger and righteousness, at least on my end. On his end, well, who knew? Maybe my family fascinated him, the same way a species of rare monkeys would.
I bumped my hip against my sister’s, to lighten the mood. “I think we’ve been in the forest for too long,” I said. “Devan’s just a mirage of cuteness in the desert wasteland of this family trip from hell.”
Luckily, she dropped the subject when we arrived at the base camp and saw the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. The craft services table. It was just a folding table piled with donuts, fruit, some orange juice cartons, and a big coffee carafe, but it might as well have been Thanksgiving at the White House.
Devan, Caroline, and Kyle were just arriving at base camp too, today on foot, sweaty and cranky, like they had gotten lost.
Colin strolled past, mug in hand, which actually said: Number One Director on it.
He caught me smirking. “It was a gift from my grandma. She’s very proud.”
Colin put down his mug and clapped his hands loudly to get our attention. “Okay, everyone! Be ready to go in fifteen minutes!”
I had a few minutes, so I loaded my plate and poured myself a rich-smelling, hot cup of coffee. I dug into a bagel with cream cheese, but halfway through someone startled me by clearing his throat two feet behind me. I jumped and smeared cream cheese on my cheek. Embarrassed, I froze for a moment, then peeked over my shoulder. There stood Devan, holding out a handkerchief.
His mocking eyes sparkled, enjoying watching me make a mess of myself, no doubt. “Do you need some help?”
I grabbed a paper napkin instead. “I’m fine, but thanks for asking.”
His eyes crinkled with amusement and his mouth twitched in an involuntary smile. He folded and stuffed his linen square back into his pocket. “Not a problem. I always carry one. You should try it.”
“I already have too much stuff to lug around—axes, knives, flashlights—you know, wilderness survival crap. No room for dainty things. But you go right ahead,” I said, hoping I sounded badass.
Devan stared down at me, like I was a complicated puzzle.
“What?” I barked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like . . . I don’t know.” Why could I not form proper sentences around this guy? “I mean, why did you come over to talk to me? What do you want from me?”
“I don’t want anything. I’m just trying to be friendly.”
“Really? Could have fooled me.” All the harsh words he had said about me and my family echoed in my ears, making it hard for me to believe him. It was very possible he was just trying to be nice so I wouldn’t proactively report Caroline’s extracurricular activities. “If you’re worried that I’m going to rat you guys out about Caroline and Jake, you can forget it. I made a deal.”
“I wasn’t. I’m not worried about that. I just . . .” He took a deep breath, clenched his fists, and glared down at me. “Why do you have to be so mean? You’re like a frustrating, little . . . hedgehog, aren’t you?”
“Excuse me?”
“I just don’t get you, Samantha.”
Then he turned, shaking his head, and walked away. I watched him go. I was completely baffled by what he had just said. I guess I didn’t get him either and I was pretty freaking sure I didn’t care.
My mom sidled up next to me with her coffee. “What was that about?”
“Nothing,” I grumbled, ignoring her questioning glance.
Jake arrived on the scene in a leather motorcycle jacket. He threw a sultry sort of half smile in our direction. Lyssa’s face lit up, but I felt ever so slightly sick to my stomach.
I didn’t know why I was immune to his charms, but to me Jake was like a fat-free cookie. Sure, he looked tempting, but I’d rather hold out for something with more substance and less aftertaste.
“Let’s rock this,” Jake said to Colin, giving him a fist bump and walking past him to his mark, popping up the collar on his jacket. Everyone got into place with their team. Beth, who had been hiding behind Hal, gave the cue and Jake got started.
“We’re here at base camp ready for challenge number two—the audio-visual round. In this challenge, our teams will need to record audio, photographic, or video evidence of the elusive Sasquatch. As in the first round, the team with the most convincing evidence will be the winner. Now, it’s been observed by Bigfoot hunters around the globe that the creatures are far more active at night. So, both teams will be filmed by our special night vision gear and will be equipped with infrared cameras, to allow them to make the best use of the dark hours.
“And, of course there’s a twist. You all did an admirable job in the last round, but now we’re going to call in the big guns . . .” He posed for the camera, pausing for dramatic effect. “Without their knowledge, Myth Gnomers has chosen one extra member for each team—someone with extensive experience in the field, who will help their team reach their goals.”
I glanced over at my dad, who stroked the stubble on his chin. He clearly had no idea what was happening. Judging by the blank expressions on the other team’s faces, neither did they.
Jake turned and gestured in the direction of the production trailer. “Now, let’s meet our experts!”
“Expert number one, I need you to come out of the trailer in three, two, one, go!” Colin spoke into the walkie-talkie.
We watched the trailer door open and a portly middle-aged man step out. My dad’s expression turned from puzzled to excited, like he was about to meet one of the last living Beatles, or that Patterson guy who filmed the most famous Bigfoot footage ever.
I elbowed Lyssa, whose eyebrows lifted in confusion. “Who is that?” I whispered to her.
“No idea. Some old dude?” she answered.
Jake soon ended the mystery. “Joining the Berger Family is Ernie Saposnick, president of the Northern Ohio Bigfoot Society. Ernie’s blog has been voted one of the top one hundred cryptozoology blogs by Cryptid Monthly.”
Ernie smiled and waved to us, then the other team, and finally to the camera before taking his spot next to my dad and enthusiastically shaking all of our hands. He seemed very familiar. I stared, trying to place him. He was short, balding, and potbellied, with an impish grin and a swirly mustache.
“And joining the team from Netherfield Academy, we have Edward “Duke” Mahoney.” Jake gestured toward the trailer and out walked a compact man, short but muscular, wearing an FBI baseball cap, khaki pants, a blue button-down shirt, and loafers. He didn’t look like the outdoorsy type. I wondered if he was here to arrest Sasquatch and for what. Driving while mythical?
Jake continued, “Duke is a former profiler at the FBI, who has been an expert witness on several major homicide cases. He hosted the true crime series Babysitters Gone Bad, and even tracked down eight of the FBI’s top ten fugitives. He’s here to help the anthropology students profile Bigfoot.”
Duke stood still, arms crossed
in front of his chest, not showing any expression whatsoever.
“Duke, why don’t you go ahead and meet your team,” Jake prodded.
That only elicited a nod.
“You can shake hands,” Jake said, like he was talking to a shy toddler and not a former FBI agent who could probably kill us all using only a spork.
I enjoyed watching Devan’s intimidated expression as Duke marched over to shake his hand. Devan smiled politely and held out his hand. The older gentleman grabbed Devan by the forearm and pulled him close, like he was going to tell him about a secret stash of plutonium somewhere. Duke offered Kyle and Caroline his hand, and then he stood next to Devan and resumed his previous steely gaze. It was more than a little awkward. We got the more affable “expert,” for sure, but I was more interested in skills than personality. I would have traded our crypto blogger for a real expert any day.
“And now I invite you to get to know your new team members and formulate a plan, because this challenge is about to get wild,” Jake announced. “Each team, with the help of their expert, will have three days to collect their audio-visual evidence. Yeti, Set, Go!”
Colin gave Jake a thumbs up. “You’re good to go.”
“Sweet.” Jake sauntered off the set.
I followed my parents, sisters, and Ernie to a nearby picnic table where my dad unrolled his map. Hal and the sound guy followed as well. “This is where we found the footprint, which won us the first contest,” my dad explained. “And this is where we would like to search next based on the direction of the print.”
Ernie nodded and studied the map in more detail, turning it around a couple of times. He took a protractor out of his back pocket and started measuring things.
Then it hit me. “Hey, aren’t you our mailman?” I asked.
My dad turned red. “Samantha, Ernie’s been elected president of our society unanimously the past four elections.”
“There’s no need to apologize.” Ernie waved away my dad’s concern. “I do happen to be your mail carrier as well. Although, I hope to retire soon and dedicate myself to Bigfoot preservation full-time.” He bowed formally to me.
Lyssa came out from around the other side of the table and poked me in the ribs, hard.
“Where’d they get this guy?” she whispered in my ear.
“The post office,” I whispered, poking her back, even harder, and stifling a nervous grin, which completely set her off. “I’m hoping we can return him to sender,” I said.
Lyssa turned away to hide her laughter, but you could see her shoulders shaking.
My dad and Ernie walked away to the trailhead that led to our camp. The rest of us had no choice but to follow.
Devan and company walked off in the opposite direction. He caught my eye and I frowned, remembering our last conversation. He hesitated, and for a moment, I thought he was going to walk over to me. But then Duke pulled Devan along, up the trail.
On our way to the campsite to prepare for the hunt, Ernie and my dad debated the best plans for that night’s adventure.
“If we wear layers of clothing, we won’t get too cold,” my dad said.
“Allow me to politely disagree,” Ernie interrupted. “With all the walking, we’re bound to get hot. I humbly suggest we pack an extra change of clothes rather than wear them.”
“Then we won’t be able to carry as much equipment,” my dad countered. And so on and so on. Everything was a huge discussion and nothing ever got decided.
After twenty minutes, I had had enough. I stepped in front of the camera, and turned to face the family, hands on my hips. Their bickering was not going to help us win. “Someone needs to make a decision, so I’ll do it. We’ll take one backpack of extra clothes and wear jackets and sweatshirts tied around our waists. We’ll take turns carrying the heavier equipment, and you two can each rotate being the leader. Is everyone happy?”
My dad flashed a grateful look and Ernie nodded, impressed. “Myron, you’ve raised very capable young ladies with remarkable leadership skills. Samantha, I do hope you’ll run for our junior league executive board in the fall.”
“I’ll consider it,” I said, to appease him. “Let’s just move out before it’s too dark to see the map.”
Ernie practically bounced with excitement. “That was a wise course of action. You’ll do us proud, Samantha.”
Just my freaking luck. I finally had a groupie and he was a short postman with a Bigfoot fixation.
Lyssa was having a lot of fun watching me squirm. “You know, Samantha, you do need another extracurricular activity for your college applications,” she said loudly, to make sure Ernie could hear.
“What a good idea, Lyssa!” I replied, imitating her tone. “You could use some afterschool activities yourself.” Then to Ernie, I added, “Lyssa has excellent leadership skills, as well.”
Ernie grinned at us. That shut Lyssa the hell up.
From then on, I tried to focus on my compass and the map. Mom, Sophie, and I walked in front, navigating; Lyssa traipsed along sullenly behind us, and my dad and Ernie argued about methods and strategy in the back of the procession.
When we got closer to where we wanted to end up, Ernie enlisted Sophie’s help to hang small things from the trees. “What are those?” I asked him.
Again, Ernie smiled at me like I was the teacher’s pet. “I’m so glad you are taking such an interest, Samantha. These are pheromone chips.” He held out his tiny hand to me. In it were plastic things with a little wire attached for hanging.
“Isn’t that supposed to make you feel sexy?” Lyssa asked, eyeing the plastic in his hand as if she were planning to rub it on her skin like perfume.
Ernie wagged his finger at her. “I wouldn’t get too excited, young lady. This is made of ape pheromones. We’re trying to catch a Sasquatch, not a quarterback.”
Our first night out with Ernie was a bust. When no beasties turned up to check out the pheromone chips after a few hours, Ernie decided we should keep moving. He led us in what seemed to me like circles for hours, now and then stopping to check the thermal imager.
Inevitably, he’d get a heat signature “just over there a ways” and after we’d hike to that spot, there’d be no sign of any animals, much less a Bigfoot. My dad deferred most of the time to Ernie and went along on the wild goose chase. By 3:00 a.m. we were all exhausted, except for Ernie.
“Ow!” Lyssa stumbled, and I caught her arm. “Ugh. Sorry, Sam. I’m dead on my feet.”
Even my mom, who was usually pretty patient, started whining, “Are we almost done for the night?”
“Can you say that again?” asked Hal, the last person marching alongside our sad little parade. “And can you do the thing where Lyssa trips and Samantha catches her again?”
“No!” Lyssa and I snapped at the same time.
The next day wasn’t any better. My dad wanted to show Ernie the location of the footprint that had won us the first challenge, while it was still daylight. Around midday we set off, Dad trotting up the trail with a little bounce in his step.
After a few hours of hiking, Sophie whispered, “I don’t remember it being this far. Are we on the right trail?”
“Yeah, I think so,” I replied, scanning for identifying landmarks. “I think we’re just moving slower than the last time we climbed this path.”
Sophie wheezed and took out her asthma inhaler. “Okay. I trust you.”
We lapsed back into silence, concentrating on our burning calves and short breath. Eventually we made it to the footprint area. The marking had been eroded away, and even with all of us combing the ground, no other prints were found. There were no signs at all of the elusive beast.
“Myron, are you sure this was where you got that print?” Ernie asked. “Seems like there’s no proof of any Squatch, as far as I can tell.”
My dad stared at the dirt and, shaking his head, replied, “Yes, this is the spot. I thought for sure there’d be more evidence and that this would be a good spot to set up the re
cording devices . . .”
Dad’s shoulders drooped as we descended back down the trail. I gritted my teeth, fuming that Ernie would be so obnoxious to my dad. But I held my annoyance in check. It wouldn’t do anyone any good if I went nuclear on Ernie in front of the cameras. We’d probably all do better after some dinner and a full night’s sleep.
Only Ernie was still chatting happily on the long trek back to camp. “Ohhh, I have a great idea,” he said to my dad. “Let’s do some wood knocking on the way. Maybe something will respond for us to record. Or maybe we’ll even catch a shot of it.”
“Can we do it sitting down?” Lyssa asked.
Ernie shuffled in circles, hunting for something on the ground. “No, we should be ready to move at a moment’s notice.”
I had no idea what wood knocking could possibly involve. But I had my doubts about Ernie’s research methods.
The FBI guy had probably already cuffed and fingerprinted Bigfoot and we were stuck with a dweeb who thought hanging ape perfume from trees was a scientific endeavor.
Ernie held a couple of thick sticks and started banging them together and smacking them against a big tree. He paused to listen for a response, and moved a few paces further along the trail. At one point, a similar knocking sound echoed itself in the distance. But I didn’t think it warranted Ernie’s elated expression.
“He’s not far! We should head that way.” He pointed up to the mountains.
My dad grinned and pulled out some binoculars for a closer look.
Mom cleared her throat pointedly, which was surprising. She had been pretty quiet the whole time. “Um, I think we’ve done enough for today. The girls were up late last night. I think we could all use some rest.” Her stern expression meant she had made up her mind, and everyone else’s.
“This is why Squatching should be a solitary action,” Ernie grumbled to himself. “You don’t see me bringing my family along to hunt. It should be one on one, just you and the beast. None of this ‘I’m hungry, I’m tired.’ No. You eat when the beast is eating. You sleep when he’s sleeping.”
Sasquatch, Love, and Other Imaginary Things Page 8
