—Edward “Duke” Mahoney, former FBI profiler
A backfiring car jolted me from my angry meditation. Colin jogged over to the Jeep that had just pulled into the clearing. Dr. DeGraw exited the car in all her frowning glory.
Next to Dr. Heinous stood a slight, twitchy woman with dark hair and birdlike features.
“Do you know who that is?” I asked Beth.
“That’s Dr. Matilda Bruckmeier. She’s a famous folklorist who has written about Bigfoot. Extensively.”
A few hours later we were ready to start filming the presentation of evidence. We flanked one side of the judge, while the other team stood across from us. Based on the way he paced back and forth, I assumed Duke was giving his team a rallying speech before they entered the battlefield. Kyle smiled at us, but turned stone-faced when Duke barked something at him.
Lyssa elbowed me. “Wow. Someone’s taking this all a little too seriously on their side, too.”
“We’d like to welcome our distinguished guest judge, Dr. Matilda Bruckmeier,” Jake pointed at the tiny lady with a flourish once the cameras started rolling. “A noted scholar specializing in American folk tales, now retired from North East Idaho State. She’ll be judging you on your research methods and on the audio or visual recordings you collected during the challenge. Dr. Bruckmeier, would you like to say a few words?”
“Certainly.” Matilda Bruckmeier pushed her square glasses up her nose. “While I enjoy studying legends and tall tales, I’m a skeptic when it comes to Bigfoot and other cryptids. If these creatures have been haunting our woodlands for centuries, why haven’t we been able to closely observe or capture one? And where are the fossil remains? I’d love to be wrong, because it would be great fun to believe in Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster, or the Giant Squid.”
Dr. DeGraw laughed behind a cupped hand strategically covering her face. “Actually, Dr. Bruckmeier, the Giant Squid is real.” She seemed delighted to correct her colleague on camera.
“Oh? Since when?” Dr. Bruckmeier looked out over her glasses.
“Always, dear.” Dr. DeGraw bit her lip, presumably to hide her smile.
“Well, either way, my point stands,” Dr. Bruckmeier added with a twitch of her head.
“Awesome,” Jake said. “Now, why don’t we get started? The Bergers won the last challenge, so they’ll go first. Okay, Myron and Ernie, and ladies.” He offered a wolfish grin. “What do you have for us?”
My dad and Ernie both approached the camera, each wanting to take charge. My dad stood his ground, though, and Ernie eventually got the message and stepped back.
Good for you, Dad.
Steve, playing the part of the audio-visual technician, cued up the video, and a still shot of the first frame appeared on the big screen.
“Before we press play,” my dad said, “I want to walk you through the footage. Lyssa and Samantha were up in the trees located here.” He pointed to the monitor. The video was from Hal’s camera, and you could see our feet in the branches at the top of the screen.
“At about fifteen seconds into the video you will see movement and a dark figure here, in between these other trees, behind the bushes, here.” Dad nodded at Steve to roll the footage.
The night vision film was dark and green and the camera was shaky, but something big and fast darted behind the trees. However, at full speed, it was hard to decipher. It easily could have been wind in the trees, or a bear, or any number of things.
Jake squinted at the screen. I glanced at Dr. DeGraw and caught her nodding at Devan, like his team had already won.
“Now, let’s look at it again, but this time in slow motion.” My dad smiled widely.
Steve obliged. Once he slowed the video down, it was clear that the figure behind the trees was upright and about the size of a tall man. But the video still didn’t prove the figure was Bigfoot and not a regular gangly guy.
It wasn’t the famous Patterson Bigfoot film, for sure. It wasn’t even the quality of a bar mitzvah video, if it were taken by somebody’s drunk uncle Herbie. “We also have an intriguing still photo Samantha took from her vantage point up in the tree,” my dad said.
An image flashed on the monitor. It showed the same dark figure between the trees, but from the higher angle, the moonlight made the furlike texture of the creature’s body much more obvious. You still couldn’t make out any facial features, other than two dots of light reflecting off of the eyes, but even I was impressed by the clarity of the shot.
“So, what do you say, Judge Bruckmeier?” Jake crossed his arms tightly over his chest, making them look more impressive.
Dr. Bruckmeier tilted her head, walked back and forth past the screen, and then smiled. “I love it! The image isn’t conclusive, but it ignites the imagination. We’ll have to send it to a film lab to enhance the images. But I think you’ve captured something very interesting.”
My dad lifted his chin.
“Okay, Devan, Kyle, and Caroline, let’s see how you and your FBI profiler did on the challenge. Who will present for you?” Jake asked.
Devan opened his mouth, but Duke stepped forward. “I will, of course,” Duke said directly into the camera. “I have to applaud my young team members for their enthusiasm and for their technical know-how, but once I arrived, I helped them focus on getting familiar with the perp—I mean the beast—as a living, breathing person. To catch someone, you need to know everything about him, from the cigarettes he smokes to what brand whiskey he prefers. Every detail is important.
“To sum it up, to really get to know someone, I first make rookie agents go through the perp’s trash. It’s dirty, but it’s effective and you don’t need a warrant. You can imagine that these future Ivy Leaguers thought they were too good for old-fashioned detective work. They told me Bigfoot probably wouldn’t use a trashcan.”
Devan’s restraint was on full display. He quivered just a little, while Caroline’s eyes shot extra-potent poison daggers. Kyle took off his baseball cap and ran his fingers through his hair nervously.
But the former FBI agent didn’t pick up on their anger. Apparently, he was just as bad at profiling people as he was mythical creatures. Unfazed by his team’s reaction, Duke paced and jingled the change in his pocket.
“So, the best we could do was comb the area for clues and I’m happy to report that we found some interesting evidence,” Duke said. “Okay, Steve, show the first slide.”
Uh-oh. On the screen was a photo of the fake scene that Lyssa and I set. My stomach dropped. Duke was on to us and he didn’t seem like the forgiving type.
Duke pulled out a laser pointer from his shirt pocket and pointed to the right side of the screen. “This is the before photo, taken during the daylight. Over here is Exhibit A: claw marks that were made at approximately ninety inches off the ground. Based on how deep the gashes are, we have reason to believe that they could have been inflicted by a Squatch. We don’t feel these could be attributed to a bear because of the size of the claws,” he said.
He caught Dr. DeGraw’s eye, and she made a gesture for him to continue.
“Let the record also show that several of the twigs below are broken. With this circumstantial evidence in mind, we went back and looked through all the nighttime surveillance footage that we’d captured over the past ten days.”
Did they have us on camera? This was So Not Good. “In addition to video cameras, at the start of the contest, my team set up motion-sensitive still cameras in their quadrant of the property, which they set to take photos whenever an animal comes within range. Unfortunately, none of those cameras focused on the immediate area where the scratches were found. However, we did capture this image.” Duke gestured to Steve, and a grainy black and white night vision photo of a deer popped up on the monitor.
At first, I thought it was just a close-up shot of a deer, its head tilted in confusion as it sniffed the camera. But then Duke aimed his laser pointer at the bottom right corner of the image, and everyone on set let out an audible
gasp. Lyssa and I exchanged horrified looks.
There, in the distance, through gaps in the foliage, was a silhouette of a figure. The fuzzy image showed a pointed head, long arms, and huge claws. I knew that figure was Lyssa or me in a hoodie sweatshirt, about to attack a poor defenseless tree with our fake claw.
Everyone else, though, apparently thought it was Sasquatch. Duke proceeded to give the rundown of the few features that they could see from the photo. My dad and Ernie were glued to the screen, eyes wide, and heads nodding. They were clearly convinced it was the real deal.
Caroline, however, stared me down until I shivered. Yeah, I think she knew it was us. We were So Screwed.
Duke raised his arms to quiet the crowd. “We believe the Squatch had been running after prey, perhaps a squirrel or something bigger like a goat. When he didn’t catch his prey, he was frustrated and took his feelings out on the tree. It all builds a portrait of a disturbed middle-aged animal with anger management issues. We’re seeing Sasquatch more and more because he wants to be seen. It’s a desperate cry for help.”
Caroline stepped forward and opened her mouth to speak, but Devan pushed her back with one arm.
“Oh, for god’s sake!” Devan burst out in a loud voice, like he forgot about being nervous in front of the cameras. “Are you joking? First of all, there’s no way Bigfoot would be chasing a goat in the forest! Goats don’t live in the forest. And there’s a deer right there in the photo—why would you even suggest a goat?” Devan threw his hands up then got in Duke’s face. “Second, the idea that Bigfoot is some sort of serial killer, slashing at trees because he’s desperate for attention, is ridiculous!”
Judge Bruckmeier raised her very thin tweezed eyebrows in surprise. The rest of us gaped, amazed at the way Duke had managed to shatter Devan’s usual on-air reserve.
“Actually, there are mountain goats here,” Beth said quietly. “They can be dangerous, too.”
Duke looked momentarily stricken, but recovered quickly and jabbed a finger into Devan’s chest. “I’ll have you know that I’ve been catching dangerous criminals using these methods since before you were born. This is thirty years of experience speaking.”
“No, it’s utter rubbish.” Devan shot back, before turning to Jake and the judge and asking, “Can we start over? Can I present instead?”
“Not up to me, bro,” Jake held up his empty hands.
Colin was practically salivating over the drama that he was capturing. “No! No! Keep rolling. This is great!”
“Why don’t we take five minutes to discuss?” Dr. DeGraw frowned, but beckoned to Dr. Bruckmeier and Colin to sit with her at one of the picnic tables. Everyone else began whispering in little groups about what had just gone down. Caroline whispered something to Devan, which made him widen his eyes before putting his head in his hands. Duke resumed his pacing and lecturing, but this time his speech to his team was filled with expletives and insults.
They knew. Of course the geniuses found us out. But why weren’t they saying anything? Either they couldn’t prove it or they figured I had dirt on Caroline, too. Or they were waiting for me to crack and confess. One thing was for sure. I had very few choices and a whole lot to lose. Right then, I chose to wait and bite my lip until it was bloody, trying to figure out my next move.
Soon enough, the judges were back and after some whispered conversation with Jake, they were ready for the pronouncement. “The judge and I have discussed this week’s challenge in depth,” Jake said. “Dr. Bruckmeier, your decision?”
Bruckmeier put her glasses back on and tucked her wispy hair behind her ears. “I appreciate what both teams brought to the field, however none of the evidence is conclusive. Therefore, I’m going to have to judge you all on research methods and techniques. Duke, your team did an excellent job of trying to get into what you believe is the psyche of Bigfoot, but while I’m intrigued by your images, I remain unconvinced of your profile of the Sasquatch.” The last part of the sentence she said like a disappointed third-grade teacher, glaring over the top of her glasses and everything.
“As for the Bergers’ evidence, you could use some improvement, there, too, folks,” Bruckmeier said. “It was inventive of you to climb trees for visuals, but the video is shaky and inconclusive.” She twisted her lips into an unimpressed expression.
Jake nodded too, as if considering each side carefully. “Who would you say is the winner of today’s challenge?”
“I’m going to have to go with the Netherfield team,” she said with a decisive nod. “Part of being a scientist is keeping up with the latest research methods and I think their use of motion-detecting equipment and surveillance cameras was a good choice for this contest.”
I let out the breath I was holding, relieved we were being judged on process, not outcome, and that the other team had no reason to out us now.
Ernie and my dad groaned, but Jake raised his arms and continued speaking. “At this point, we’re ready to bid farewell to our special guests, Ernie and Duke. It’s been great having you here, but now it’s time to send our teams back to the woods by themselves for the next challenge.”
After Colin called “Cut” and let us go for the day, I dared to glance at Caroline. One glimpse of her indignant face and I knew this wasn’t over, not as far as she was concerned.
Deflated, I punched a bunch of buttons on the espresso machine and listened to the whooshing and churning, imagining it was the mixture of my emotions from the day. I was a premium blend of a mess.
Chapter 15
“Wood Apes are very sensitive. I’m not surprised they don’t like being caught on camera or on film.”
—Brenda Berger, interview with “Myth of the Month” magazine
I was trying to reheat my bland coffee over the campfire the next morning when Beth arrived at our camp.
“I came by to replace the memory cards on the cameras,” Beth said. “Samantha, are you ready to go see Sophie?”
“Yes!” I gulped my now way-too-hot coffee in seconds. It burned its way down my throat. “I just need a minute to brush my teeth and stuff.”
My mom stopped me on my way. “Let me tell your dad we’re going.”
Beth frowned. “Mrs. Berger, the doctor thought too many visitors would wear Sophie out.”
My mom bit the side of her mouth, something she always did when she was feeling guilty, whether it was about letting us watch too much television or running out of potato chips for our lunches. “I feel bad about not helping. But I also don’t want to abandon your father.”
“Mom, it’s fine. Sophie will absolutely understand. She knows Dad needs you here and she’d never want to do anything that might ruin our chances of winning. I bet you can visit later.” I hugged my mom, hoping I made her feel less guilty. When I looked up at her, there were tears in her eyes. “Seriously, Sophie will be okay. It’s just a little flu.”
My mom wiped away the tears with the back of her hand. “I know, but I’m a mom, I worry. Someday you’ll see.”
“I hope not. I already worry enough as it is,” I joked, rubbing her back gently one more time.
Beth interrupted, “We should get going, Samantha. It may rain.”
I craned my neck to scan the sky. “Big surprise there.” It had been dark and overcast for days now, and I was starting to wonder if I’d ever see the sun again. “Don’t you have the Jeep today?”
“No. We have to walk. Colin needed the car to pick up Dr. DeGraw,” Beth said.
Of course she got a cushy ride, while I had to walk in the rain. “Okay, let’s go.” I grabbed my backpack and filled it with a few more things for Sophie. I figured she would want the romance novel, a couple of her favorite granola bars, and a few extra T-shirts.
“So how’d a nice girl like you end up on a production crew like this?” I waggled my eyebrows to try to make Beth laugh, which didn’t work.
“I’d just graduated college with a degree in film, and saw a listing for this job,” Beth said. “I didn’
t want to go to New York or L.A. because I don’t do well in big cities. I hate the noise and the crowds, so I figured this would be better.”
“Is it?”
She looked straight in front of her and kept walking. “Yeah.”
I gestured with my hand for her to say more.
Beth paused for a moment. “I like this job. Colin is smart, although a bit more focused on drama than I thought he would be. And the camera guys are okay, but I don’t get a lot of Hal’s jokes.”
I smiled. “That’s actually a good thing. It means you’re not a huge geek like me. He references a lot of old science fiction.”
She frowned like she was solving long division in her head. “Oh. Okay. I never wanted to ask him to explain.”
“Are you going to stick with this for a while?” I asked, trying to gently steer her away from bad feelings about herself.
Beth’s face brightened a little. “Until I can save enough money to make my own film. I want to do serious documentaries.”
“What, you mean Bigfoot isn’t serious? I thought we were going to be on C-SPAN.” I put my hand in front of my heart in mock horror.
Beth shook her head seriously. “No. I think most people who watch this show are doing it for entertainment, not for educational purposes.”
“I really hope so. I don’t want to be responsible for educating anyone about this stuff,” I said. “So, what kind of documentaries do you want to make?”
She pushed her hair behind one ear. “I’d like to follow women on the spectrum who have jobs and friends and families. Autism can be different for women, so I want to explore that. A lot of girls with autism deal with depression and eating disorders on top of everything else. I just want to put something out there that’s positive for parents who are scared about their kid’s diagnosis, and for older kids who feel like different is bad. It doesn’t have to be all bad.”
Colin was right, Beth was kinda awesome.
“That’s amazing.”
“It hasn’t happened yet.” Beth caught my eye before looking away. “I need to learn more about how to run a production.”
Sasquatch, Love, and Other Imaginary Things Page 11
