Everyone was still there and watched as I walked back into the living room and picked up Lincoln’s car keys. I could feel all of them holding their breath, waiting for me to tell them. I knew they all thought I had come to kill him. As his partner, the decision had been left in my hands.
I looked at Griffin. ‘No one touches him until I get back.’
Griffin stood. ‘Where are you going?’ he asked.
‘To give an angel a choice.’
Spence was at the driver’s door the moment I unlocked it.
I looked at him with empty eyes.
He held out his hand, staring back at me. ‘Screw it. You can beat the crap out of me if you want, but you’re not going on your own.’ He pushed his open hand closer to me. ‘Keys.’
‘You can’t come where I’m going,’ I replied rigidly.
‘I’ll come as far as I can, then. You and I both know it’s the smart thing to do. I’m good back-up. Plus …’ He looked at the car. ‘You drive like shit.’
I swallowed. He was good back-up. And I did drive like shit.
‘I can’t… talk.’
He half smiled. ‘Never much liked your conversation anyway.’
I rolled my eyes and slapped the keys into his hand.
‘See, Eden. You can’t resist me. No woman can,’ he said, smiling as he got into the car.
I ignored him and pulled out the directions I had prepared.
‘Where are we headed?’ he asked, starting up the four-wheel drive that smelled of Lincoln.
I rolled down the window. ‘To a cliff.’
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
‘There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world. The spirits of our foolish deeds haunt us, with or without repentance.’
Gilbert Parker
Spence was the only one who could have talked his way into coming with me. And he stayed true to his word, not saying anything except when essential, which was basically, ‘Time to get petrol,’ and ‘Left here?’
It was strange being back in the wilderness. Back to where it had all begun. Now, I’d come full circle.
We set up camp, finding supplies in the back of Lincoln’s car and building a campfire. The place was as forbidding as it had been the first time I was there. As Spence and I sat in silence and, later, pretended to sleep, I couldn’t help but think of my last time in this forest … pretending to sleep.
I had dreamed of Phoenix every now and then – he’d materialise in a flash and disappear just as quickly. I hated the thought of where he was, but he had told me himself that there is no other place for exiles than the pits of Hell.
On the night of the fire at the estate, Spence had tried to go back into the building for Phoenix’s body. He didn’t care much for Phoenix himself, but Spence knew he mattered to me and guessed I’d like to be able to bury him. He was right. But other Grigori had held him back at the last second, stopping him from returning into the inferno. That place was now Phoenix’s coffin.
While Spence rested I got up and wandered through the dark woods. My Grigori enhanced vision made it much easier than the last time I was here. I soon found the spot where Phoenix and I had camped and sat down on the large rock where he had sat beside me.
‘Sometimes, I still want to blame you,’ I whispered into the darkness. ‘Sometimes, I want it all to have been your fault. But I don’t and … it wasn’t.’ I looked up at the sky. Stars shone brightly, shimmering attentively as if listening to my every word. ‘You saved those kids. They have a chance now, a future. You did good.’ I sniffed, trying to hold myself together. ‘But I still hate you.’ A tear slipped down my cheek. ‘I hate what the two of you did. You both just …’ I blew out a breath shakily. ‘You left me and now I can’t go, but I can’t stay either.’
I stood and wiped away the tears with the back of my hand. Phoenix had been wrong about a lot of things. But he’d been right about one thing: ‘Love has killed us all.’
In the pre-dawn hours, Spence climbed the mountain with me, insisting on escorting me to the top. His exact words were, ‘In case you decide to jump at the wrong moment.’ He was only half joking.
We hiked the steep rock face in silence.
When sunrise teased the horizon, I made my way to the edge of the cliff.
So many what ifs.
I toed the edge and waited for the first rays of sunlight to pierce the dark sky. The timing had to be right.
‘You think this is gonna work?’ Spence asked finally, unable to help himself.
It was a good question. Grigori aren’t supposed to jump off cliffs whenever they like and expect an angelic audience in return. That one move is reserved for when we embrace. But I needed to do this my way, on my terms.
‘I’ll tell you at the bottom,’ I said, as the sun’s first pale pink rays speared the sky, illuminating a thick band of cloud.
Arms wide, I leaped.
I landed on my back with a thump in the desert. I jumped to my feet and gritted my teeth.
‘No desert,’ I commanded.
The desert disappeared and I was left in darkness, surrounded by nothing other than glittering stars, which cast little light.
Uri stood before me, somehow perfectly lit. ‘Why do you call us, Keshet?’
‘I’m not calling you. I want to see my maker.’
Uri’s chin lifted. Pride. ‘You think you are entitled to such an audience at your request?’
‘Yes.’
He stared at me. I put my hands on my hips and stared back. For the first time, he gave me a small smile.
‘I believe he may agree with you.’
I tried to hide my surprise. ‘You know who he is?’ As far as I was aware, neither Uri nor Nox knew his full identity.
‘It has become paramount to our duties,’ Uri nodded and, if I wasn’t mistaken, there was something of a bow in there, too. ‘Do you remember my words, Keshet?’
‘I’m not surrendering any more, Uri.’
His look saddened. ‘I’m afraid that will not serve you well. Surrender brings both despair and joy – but if you choose not to give in to it, you cannot expect either.’
I was so sick of this. ‘Fine by me,’ I responded.
His gaze dropped. ‘As you wish.’
He disappeared and I was left with the hollow feeling that I had just disappointed him. But before I had a chance to ponder any further, the one I’d come to see was beside me.
‘Would you feel more comfortable with a different surrounding?’ my angel maker asked.
I ignored the question. The truth was, the nothingness surrounding me felt right. ‘You told me I could ask for something when I won the war.’
‘I did.’
‘Have I won the war?’
‘This one, yes, I believe so. Lilith will not return.’ The corners of his mouth curled, reminding me he was a fierce warrior.
‘Then I want three things,’ I blurted out.
His eyes narrowed. ‘I cannot offer so many. You must choose.’
‘No, I must not. I will be your warrior. I will become a Grigori like no other. I will take down every exile that threatens humanity. I give you my word. But it will be my way, by my rules. If you want that, I have terms. So, you see, it’s not me that has to choose anything, it’s you.’
He shook his head. ‘Just like your mother. Tell me.’
I stared out into the darkness. Some of the stars seemed to be moving, now floating around me. There were so many of them.
How can there be so many?
‘I want them to have a chance. Mum and Dad. You can give Dad back the years that were stolen from him, give them a future together.’
‘And are you a part of their future?’ he asked.
‘I … I don’t know.’
‘I can’t give them what you ask but I can provide a choice that would give them something close. But they must choose this of their own free will, and desire it greatly, for it to be so.’
I knew he wasn’t telling me everything but at least they would
have a choice. I nodded and continued. ‘I want Phoenix to have a chance at peace. I know where he is and he doesn’t belong there. He deserves more.’
My angel maker’s eyes lit up mischievously. ‘Done.’
My mouth fell open with shock. ‘Really?’
He nodded. ‘Phoenix made his choices, too. Wrong though many of them were, in the end he chose to overcome his true nature. Very few – angel, exile or human – ever achieve this. Redemption was his.’
My legs buckled, my angel maker catching me by the elbow as I struggled for breath.
‘He’s in Heaven or something?’
He waited until I steadied myself. ‘Something.’ His smile faded as he studied me, awaiting my final request. ‘I am quite certain I know what number three is, but that is not a gift for me to give.’
‘I haven’t even asked yet.’
His eyes were all too knowing. ‘You want me to return your love.’
My heart skipped a beat. ‘Yes,’ I breathed.
‘I cannot.’ He sighed – such a human reaction that it affected me. ‘It is not in my power to do such things.’
I felt hope slipping away from me. ‘But Phoenix said … He said that if I came here I could find him. That there was a way.’
My angel maker considered this. ‘You see them. We know that much, but we cannot risk losing you.’
‘Wait, “see them?” What?’ But then I realised what he was talking about. ‘The shimmery things? Yes.’
‘Do you know what they are?’
‘No,’ I said looking out into the dark night seeing now that the many moving stars were in fact reflections, moving closer towards us, hovering. ‘Can they help me?’
‘Perhaps. They are the imprints of lost souls. There is a chance your love lies within them.’
My heart started to race with possibility. ‘So I can find him?’
My angel maker didn’t share my excitement. In fact, he became forlorn. ‘There are billions of them out there, child. An impossible and dangerous feat. And you are needed for other things.’
‘Phoenix didn’t think so. I’ve earned my right to try!’
He considered me for another long moment. ‘Then this one will not be for me to decide.’
‘Then who? Who the hell do I have to convince?’ I yelled, desperate.
He held his arm out beyond me. ‘The other one who is now entitled a role in your guidance.’
I spun around and gasped.
He looked so strong, so healthy. His hair was sparkling in the night-light. He was in black pants and a white shirt, rolled up at the sleeves. He looked the same but different … Something fundamental about him had changed. His eyes. Still chocolate brown and beautiful but no longer so deeply haunted.
Phoenix was an angel.
CHAPTER FORTY
‘The windows of my soul I throw
Wide open to the sun.’
John Greenleaf Whittier
My legs wouldn’t stop shaking. I tried to take a step towards him but fell to my knees.
I looked to the ground, waiting for the tears. But I couldn’t cry. Even in this most tremendous moment I was still numb. Still cold.
‘We were wrong. I see that now,’ Phoenix said, his voice heavy with regret.
I knew what he meant, but I just couldn’t go there. I looked up at him, my eyes begging him to stop.
‘You’re …’
‘Angel once more,’ he said. He didn’t sound ecstatic about it.
I half smiled. Still Phoenix. ‘Is this what you want?’
‘Better than eternity in the pits of Hell,’ he answered.
‘But?’
He was silent. He glanced around as if only now noticing the darkness that surrounded us. When he looked back at me tenderly, so much more emotion showed on his face than ever before and … I understood.
Hell is in the eye of the beholder.
‘I have no reason to be anywhere else, I suppose,’ but his words were edged with a longing that I could not ignore.
His eyebrows furrowed and he took a tentative step towards me. ‘I’m so …’ He swallowed the words. ‘I know you were attacked when you were younger.’
I froze. ‘How?’ I’d never willingly told anyone other than Lincoln.
‘I’m an angel. Knowing just comes with the territory.’ When I didn’t respond, he added quietly, ‘Why didn’t you ever tell me?’
The memories washed through me – a wave that was now part of a much greater ocean of agony. ‘I didn’t see any point. It doesn’t define me.’
‘No, but I wish I’d known. I’d never have pushed the way I … It explains a lot.’
I bit my lip, fighting to control my emotions. ‘I’m sorry, Phoenix, I …’
‘Don’t apologise. It’s me who loved you beyond reason,’ he said, shaking his head and I was sure his eyes were glistening in the starlight.
I looked to the sky, noticing there was no moon, and that my angel maker had disappeared.
‘So you want to be here?’ I asked, still unsure.
‘I want to be where I am needed. For now, it is here but …’
The strength of his gaze – full of promise – drew mine back to him.
‘If the day should come, for any reason, that you would prefer me … elsewhere, it will be so.’
I shook my head. ‘I shouldn’t have that kind of power, Phoenix. Those aren’t my choices. I don’t want them to be.’
He nodded sadly. ‘Until I decide otherwise, then, I will be here. For you.’
We were silent. Phoenix standing, me still kneeling.
‘I’m faster,’ I said.
‘Yes.’
‘I can’t feel things the way you can. At least, I don’t think I can, but …’
‘You can shut down your emotions.’
I swallowed. ‘Yes.’
He took a tentative step towards me. ‘Power takes many forms and mutates as it is passed on. It is the way of evolution. This is no different, but treat this power carefully. Emotion is raw. Meddling with it rarely works as we intend. Often by the time we see our error, it’s too late to turn back,’ his voice caught at the end.
There was another stretch of silence.
‘It hurts too much,’ I finally confessed.
‘I know,’ he said. And he did.
‘You’ll need to empty yourself of everything. It’s not easy and the way you are at the moment – I don’t know this is the best time.’
I took a few deep breaths and absorbed this information along with all that Phoenix had been explaining to me for the past … I wasn’t sure how long. Time moved differently here.
‘It’s now or never,’ I said, determinedly.
He sighed, resigned. ‘Okay. When you go to them, they will all want you. You represent life and everything they long for. Whatever it was that led them to this place, to this in-between, they crave what you have. They will suffocate you with their desires. You won’t have long to find him.’
I nodded, looking out into the infinity of the universe and the countless reflections, floating and diving through the air.
‘What do I do once I find him?’
‘Can you feel your power inside you?’ he asked.
I pressed a hand over my abdomen. ‘Yes, it’s like a deep well.’
‘Exactly. If you want to bring him back, you’ll have to find a way to bring him into you. He must be absorbed into your power, otherwise when you leave this place he won’t be able to hold onto you.’
‘How will I do that?’
‘His soul will be confused. You’ll have to show him what he wants most.’
I knew what Lincoln wanted most. ‘My soul,’ I said, nodding.
Phoenix reached forwards, surprising me by placing a warm, soft hand against the side of my face. His gentle eyes bored into mine. ‘Oh, Violet.’ His lips pressed together and I could see his utter sadness for me. ‘It’s much harder than that. It’s your heart.’
I cast my eyes to the side. I
couldn’t think about what he had just said, couldn’t think about what that would do to me.
I gulped. ‘Okay. I’m ready.’
Phoenix stood from where he’d been crouched beside me and nodded. ‘I can’t go with you. When you have him, I’ll know and I’ll send you back.’
There was a part of me that didn’t want to have to walk away from him. ‘Will I see you again?’
‘That’ll be up to you. When you’re ready, call for me in your dreams. I’ll be there.’
I walked into the unknown and the reflections that glowed ahead. They seemed to respond to my presence and started moving towards me, slowly at first and then faster and faster. I could sense their eagerness.
I kept moving, knowing that I needed to go as far as possible. They swirled around me, vibrating with anticipation. I was what they craved, what they remembered in some far recesses of their minds. It was both haunting and distressing and I wanted to stop, to fall back into the nothingness and weep for them, but I did not.
Instead, I ran into their midst.
They whipped around me, becoming frenzied as more of them became aware of my presence. I felt them fighting and pushing to get closer to me until eventually I could no longer move, their combined pressure creating a prison that trapped me.
I threw my head back, stared at the stars above and started the process of emptying myself. Just as Phoenix had told me, I pushed away my family, my friends. I cleared my mind of my joys, my passions, my sorrows, my hopes and my many regrets. I pushed away the exiles, the scars I carried from the wars I’d fought and those that were yet to come. I pushed away the angel guides, my maker. And finally I pushed away Phoenix so that all that was left was Lincoln.
I felt my body start to shudder under the sheer pressure of the lost souls as they tried to break me or, more accurately, to take my life force, as if they could somehow absorb it and claim back some of their own. I wanted to panic, but I pushed that away too.
Then I saw it.
It didn’t come from the sides, or push through the masses. It came hesitantly from above, almost as if it had been hiding up there, behind a star. A small cry fell from my lips.
Endless: Violet Eden Chapters: Book Four Page 34
