by Rae Earl
7.52 p.m.
Mum just brought me up some soup. It’s the tin of Asda cream of mushroom that’s been at the back of the cupboard FOR EVER. I ate it anyway.
8.32 p.m.
Just checked the tin in the bin. The “best before” date was 3 years ago!
Mum says mushrooms are rotten anyway so there’s no need to panic. Thanks for your care, Mum!
Wonder how Dimple got on with McFittie… Even with MOUTH OF DEATH I still think of my gorgeous boy.
10.17 p.m.
Not heard from Dimple but she hates anything medical. She can’t even have her eyebrows shaped without feeling sick.
TUESDAY 17TH FEBRUARY
8.01 a.m.
Texted Dimple and promised not to talk about anything dental. Told her I was desperate to hear what had happened with McFittie.
11.12 a.m.
Weirdo Jen came round today to look at my brace. She thinks I must have looked amazing with blood on my lips and thinks my brace is “ultimate geek chic”. She wants a brace but her dentist says her teeth are perfect. When she is older though she says she might get her front teeth filed to look like fangs. Her mum won’t let her at the moment because she doesn’t want her daughter looking like the “Queen of the Undead” on her school photo. Jen has taken my teeth (Mr Crawford gave me them as a souvenir) as apparently they have immense magical properties and can be used for Wiccan magic.
I love Jen but she is a proper weirdo. However, if she can make a spell to make McFittie love me I may love her for ever.
She hasn’t heard from Dimple either but I know she has a lot on and that her mum has been acting a bit weird recently. Dimps thinks she might be having a midlife crisis. This is apparently what all women have when their hormones run out – then you actually become a proper total mental. The good news is that you can get a patch you put on your arse that reduces mental symptoms.
Being female is SO unfair. Boys’ hormones just make them snog machines.
2.12 p.m.
My brother just tried to hold up a load of fridge magnets to my face to see if they stuck to my brace. They don’t.
3.12 p.m.
Keep looking in the mirror. I can’t imagine kissing McFittie with this brace.
After every meal I have to pick half of my dinner out of it. VOM VOM VOM.
9.45 p.m.
Went round to see Gran tonight. She said you could barely see my brace, and when she started “courting” my grandad he had a broken ankle and a lazy eye. Gran thinks a bit of vulnerability is a good thing. Perhaps it is for men but boys only want perfect girls, Gran – we all know it.
If I could actually airbrush myself in real life I would.
Still nothing from Dimple. Sometimes you can’t get hold of her. She left her mobile in a rabbit hutch once.
WEDNESDAY 18TH FEBRUARY
11.14 a.m.
Still no Dimple. Jen thinks she may be going through a period of “immense growth” and, like the caterpillar that is about to turn into the butterfly, she needs “space in her mental chrysalis”.
Or her phone is broken.
4.15 p.m.
Now I’m worried. Been trying Dimple all day with no luck. No answer on her landline or her mobile. Her parents don’t like people just “nipping round”. Her dad works long, odd hours and the doorbell can make him slightly irritable when he’s been on nights.
What’s happening?!
THURSDAY 19TH FEBRUARY
7.23 p.m.
Weirdo Jen just rang. She said she didn’t know how to tell me this BUT there’s a rumour going round that Dimple is going out with McFittie. Obviously this must be totally craptacular, as a) Dimple’s parents would not allow her to have a boyfriend at the moment, and b) Dimple is my oldest friend – she would NEVER do that to me. We have known each other since we were 4. We were wise men together in the nativity and everything.
9.24 p.m.
Been thinking. Dimple is gorgeous though. And boys do funny things to girls.
I don’t mean in that way. I mean love can make you into a total cow from Planet Cowland.
Just need to speak to her to sort it out.
FRIDAY 20TH FEBRUARY
8.12 a.m.
Just tried to call Dimps AGAIN – no answer.
9.34 a.m.
Texted Dimple – no answer.
9.55 a.m.
Called again – left a message.
10.35 a.m.
Texted her – her phone might be off.
12.37 p.m.
Tweeted her but the last time she wrote anything was back in January moaning about one of the new Pringles flavours – so perhaps she doesn’t check it very often.
1.14 p.m.
Facebooked her – perhaps her Internet is down.
Her Facebook relationship status says she is single.
2.15 p.m.
Her Facebook relationship status says she is still single.
2.55 p.m.
Just saw she wrote on someone else’s wall 5 minutes after my message. Perhaps she just missed mine.
3.45 p.m.
I’ve run out of credit on my mobile. I am the only person left in the world on pay-as-you-go AND Mum has refused to give me an advance on my pocket money. DOES SHE NOT REALIZE THAT WITHOUT CREDIT I AM BASICALLY CUT OFF FROM EVERYTHING IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE?!
Have to ask my brother.
3.55 p.m.
My brother said he would give me £10 to top up if I performed “I’m a Little Teapot” with all the actions like I used to do when I was 3. Evil. But I am desperate, so I did it. Topped up. Texted Dimple 3 times. No answer.
4.15 p.m.
Sent Dimple a psychic message. Didn’t feel any response in my head.
Where is she?
Will give her a few more hours to respond. She might be shopping or something. Don’t want to look like a stalker mental.
8.12 p.m.
Asked Mum if I can go round Dimple’s house – she said no as it was 7.45 p.m. – PATHETIC!!! That’s not even late!
It’s a Friday. There isn’t even any school tomorrow. My life is falling to bits here and she doesn’t care.
11.15 p.m.
Can’t stop thinking about it. What if she is going out with him? Feel sick in my stomach.
SATURDAY 21ST FEBRUARY
11.43 a.m.
OMG!
Went round Dimp’s house at 8 a.m. When I got to Dimple’s room she looked really shocked and couldn’t look me in the eye for some reason. Then I found out why.
ME: Dimps – there’s a rumour going round that you are going out with McFittie.
DIMPLE: I’m not… But he did ask me out.
ME: DIMPLE!!! DIMPLE, HOW COULD YOU? (I thought I was going to be sick.)
DIMPLE: But, Hattie, I’m not. I wouldn’t ever go out with him. You like him.
Then I just had to run out. HOW could she?! She’s my best friend.
Can’t stop crying. How am I meant to go back to school now?
7.32 p.m.
WHY DOES HE LIKE DIMPLE?
She is beautiful.
She is pretty.
She has breasts.
She looks good in a bikini.
She is smart.
All Miss Worlds come from India (except the ones that come from Venezuela).
She can dance like a total goddess.
Her dad is a surgeon and loaded.
WHY HE DOESN’T LIKE ME:
I can’t eat biscuits properly.
I look like an ironing board in a bikini.
I have a zit farm on my face.
My mum runs a cafe and I probably smell of bacon too.
I don’t even know WHO my father actually is.
Dimple has texted me about 20 times. I can’t speak to her right now.
I bet they end up married with babies. He probably loves her so much he’ll become a Hindu.
SUNDAY 22ND FEBRUARY
10.19 a.m.
Mrs Rathod just rang Mum. She wondered if Mum k
new why Dimple is so upset. Told Mum what had happened. Mum went mental.
She said, “Hattie, Dimple is not even going out with
him. Don’t lose a friend through jealousy. There’s always going to be someone smarter or prettier than you (THANKS, MUM – that’s nice of you). That’s not to say you aren’t smart or pretty – but don’t lose a good friend because someone likes her, not you. That’s not fair.”
YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL ME IT’S NOT FAIR, MUM. I KNOW IT’S NOT FAIR.
McFITTIE WANTS TO SNOG MY BEST FRIEND. HOW IS THAT FAIR?!
12.32 p.m.
I know why Mum is so pro-Dimple. It’s because Dimple always does her homework and is definitely going to university to do something super brainy, and she hopes it will rub off on me. NO WAY!
1.32 p.m.
Perhaps I am being unreasonable.
3.12 p.m.
I think I may have a problem with jealousy. I’ve googled it and it says:
1. I must EXPOSE myself to the problem.
2. I must DEAL with the problem.
3. I must ACCEPT the problem and MOVE ON.
The problem is Dimple.
7.12 p.m.
Oh God, I may have lost my best friend for the stupidest reason ever. She is not even going out with him.
I am a DOUGHNUT.
10.39 p.m.
Mum won’t let me go round to Dimple’s because it’s 10.30 p.m.
PATHETIC.
10.45 p.m.
Texted Dimple inviting her to come round and “talk it through”. I’ve also said sorry and admitted I am a stupid jealous cow. It was hard to write but it’s true.
MONDAY 23RD FEBRUARY
10.34 a.m.
No response yet. I just want my friend back.
12.12 p.m.
Dimple just texted. She didn’t see my message because she had her phone on vibrate and she’d left it in the toilet! She’s coming round!!!
5.45 p.m.
YAY YAY YAY!
Dimple came round. I gave her a massive hug and said how sorry I was. We have OFFICIALLY decided NEVER to argue about boys EVER again and spent the whole afternoon doing routines to songs. Dimple took it Bollywood at one point and honestly we think we might go on Britain’s Got Talent as it was one of the best things I have ever seen. But then Dimple said there was no point because if there’s a really clever dog or an old woman singer there who looks rubbish but turns out to be quite good they will beat anything. I agree – it’s the same with people who have had a terrible life. They always end up in at least the semi-final.
6.35 p.m.
I HAVE had a terrible life! I don’t know my dad for a start. And I get tortured by my brother daily.
6.44 p.m.
Dimple says that’s not enough.
There has to have been a really bad death or a terrible disease.
I’ve had tonsillitis a few times but I don’t think that counts.
10.19 p.m.
I’ve decided I have to forget McFittie. I have to pretend he never existed. I am just going to concentrate on my friends, the Not Fair Protest Group and finding my real dad.
Back to school with my brace tomorrow and dreading it. Going to keep my mouth SHUT so no one sees. Mum says I will find that impossible – but I am determined to prove her wrong.
TUESDAY 24TH FEBRUARY
4.15 p.m.
Managed to keep my brace semi-secret. Pretended to have a sore throat and I didn’t say much. It was hard but I don’t want people to see my mess of a mouth.
Weirdo Jen finally got in to see Mrs Cob the head and told her about the Not Fair Protest Group and asked our question about why we can’t wear make-up at school. Mrs Cob said she “appreciated our group” and “understood Jen’s concerns”, but make-up was “basically” dangerous. Mascara in particular was a “health and safety issue” as longer lashes could be easily caught up in a Bunsen burner.
WHY DO THE TEACHERS WEAR IT THEN?
Jen said, “But what about our human rights?” At which point total EVIL Mrs Matfield came in and said, “You don’t actually have human rights till you are 18”, and could Jen “stop bothering the headmistress with pathetic questions about long-established school rules”.
Weirdo Jen says that now I am off McFittie and no longer need a love spell she may use my teeth for a dark spell against Mrs Matfield. That won’t work, Jen, as Mrs Matfield is clearly the boss of witches and the goddess of TOTAL COW.
9.23 p.m.
I am not off McFittie by the way. I think about him loads but I’m trying to go cold turkey. That’s what addicts do on Dr Phil, and basically I am a McFittie addict.
WEDNESDAY 25TH FEBRUARY
6.23 p.m.
Today was a complete NIGHTMARE. At lunch Miss Gorgeous Knickers (don’t want to even write her name – from now on MGK) and her gang noticed my brace when I was trying to eat some chips. At first MGK pretended to be really sweet and interested, asking all these questions about it. I told her it would have to be on for about 12 months and she said, “Oh Hattie, that must be really hard for you.” But then she started saying, “A YEAR of wearing train tracks on your teeth – GRIM!!!” and laughing. Then Jen said there was a note going round in Science that said “Hattie Moore’s breath is a weapon of mass destruction.” I have licked my hand loads and smelt it and honestly it’s not bad. Jen says Miss Gorgeous Knickers is a total bitch and she will have found another victim by tomorrow. I hope so.
THURSDAY 26TH FEBRUARY
7.34 p.m.
Just a HORRIBLE DAY. Miss Gorgeous Knickers and her gang have told everyone about my brace. At break a whole load of people started chanting “Tracks, Tracks, Tracks” at me, then MGK shouted, “The train now arriving at Platform 2 is Hattie.” It wasn’t even funny but everyone except for Dimple and Jen was laughing because they are all so scared of her. Just looked in the mirror – I am officially an UGLY. I hate this brace – I WANT IT OFF!
8.32 p.m.
Mum says the brace has to stay on and I’ll be thankful when I am 20 and my teeth don’t look like a beaver’s. I didn’t tell her about MGK as she would probably march up to the school and make everything a million times worse.
9.15 p.m.
I’ve decided – I’m not going to school. I can’t face another day of it – I know my teeth are horrible. I don’t need MGK to tell me.
I can learn loads of stuff from daytime TV anyway.
10.34 p.m.
Perhaps Weirdo Jen can use one of my teeth for an evil spell on Mrs Matfield and one for MGK.
FRIDAY 27TH FEBRUARY
8.15 a.m.
Told Mum I felt really bad. Then I rushed into the toilet, retched and poured half a cup of coffee down the loo. Sounded like a huge VOM. Mum looked suspicious but she said, “You’d better stay in bed today and get over it.” YAY! Whole day of TV and no MGK!!!
12.32 p.m.
Jeremy Kyle was the most chav-mongous thing I have EVER seen. This woman with NO teeth (seriously made me feel better) had to get a DNA test done on her kid because she’d been sleeping with 3 different men at the same time. Jeremy was furious!
THEN after watching a couple more hours of daytime TV I can now tell you:
how to make a Tomato Seafood Symphony
how to deal with a gambling addiction
what Stephen Fry likes to keep in his shed
2.12 p.m.
OMG OMG OMG…
I had a bit of a headache so I was just looking in my mum’s special drawer for some paracetamol, and right at the back behind a packet of furry Polos and a water bill (£569!!! It’s only water!!!), there was:
my mum’s old passport (worst photo ever)
a brochure about trips to “exotic” countries like Egypt, Kenya and Australia. (We can’t even afford to go to Alton Towers!)
a book called The Italian Duke’s Virgin Mistress (PERV!!!)
A SCRUMPLED-UP PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS THE FOLLOWING:
After what’s happened it’s best that I
go. You obviously ………. so I’ll leave. Carlo (COULDN’T READ THIS BIT – WHY HAS IT BEEN RIPPED?!)
I had to shove it all back as I heard Rob come in BUT WHAT’S THAT ABOUT? I was HONESTLY just looking for some headache pills.
2.54 p.m.
OK – I WAS having a nose around but I am entitled!
4.36 p.m.
Mum just got home and asked what I’d been doing all day. I said just watching TV.
