by Rae Earl
Z: Err yeah. Pizza Express
OK next Sunday?
ME: Yes – I don’t like eggs though.
Z: Well, most pizzas should be fine and we will share some dough balls.
ME: Brilliant – share some
balls – like you share …
balls on the pitch!!! (WHY DID I SAY THIS?! x 4 BILLION)
Z: Yeah – see you next Sunday then.
And if that wasn’t bad enough – and here’s a tip from Hattie Moore – when you press the red button to end the call, and say, “That man is pure hot SEX!” just make sure you actually HAVE pressed the red button.
I hope he didn’t hear.
9.38 p.m.
I HAVE A DATE NEXT SUNDAY. MY INNER WOMAN HAS BEEN FOUND.
TUESDAY 5TH MAY
4.15 p.m.
Goose has been rushed into hospital. He could barely walk with the pain.
I said to Mum that I hoped it wasn’t his testicles. Mum said, “Hattie, why on Earth would you think it would be?” and the truth is, I don’t know why I said that.
OMG – am I a sex perv?
5.39 p.m.
Just realized why I said that – it’s because Jen’s friend’s cousin who lives in Blackpool woke up in agonizing pain because 1 of his balls got twisted. They had to remove it because it was basically in a knot. I will never moan about periods again.
6.12 p.m.
Actually that is a lie as sometimes I have a period that makes me into a mental.
WEDNESDAY 6TH MAY
8.01 a.m.
FULL DRAMA – Goose has appendicitis. Apparently it’s a rubbish part of your stomach that you only need if you are a rabbit that eats grass. Goose’s got infected and they have to take it out. He’s having the operation later today.
It’s not serious but like all operations he could actually die.
6.43 p.m.
Dimple came over after school to sort out what outfit to wear for the date. We went through EVERYTHING in my wardrobe and decided on Dimple’s black skirt, Dimple’s striped jacket, Dimple’s mini clutch and Dimple’s Converse.
So just to confirm – I have actually NOTHING to wear for a date.
8.12 p.m.
Goose survived his operation. Feel bad that I was stressing about clothes when he was near death.
THURSDAY 7TH MAY
9.33 p.m.
Went to see Goose in hospital. He had about 4 nurses round him in the children’s ward and he was making them all laugh. They must be desperate.
While we were there Bob the Builder came round – well, a man dressed up as Bob the Builder. I was well embarrassed but Goose just asked him where Pilchard the cat was. Goose just doesn’t seem to care what people think of him – it’s actually quite worrying.
10.12 p.m.
Googled when you don’t care what people think of you . This makes you a sociopath, which means you have a very high chance of committing some sort of mass murder. Great! And there’s only a very thin wall between us normally.
FRIDAY 8TH MAY
7.46 p.m.
Went to see Goose the sociopath again. He was helping a 5-year-old make a Lego crane. I asked him why he was in the children’s ward. Apparently you are classed as a child until you are 16 years old! This is completely mental. I have texted Dimple and Jen and the NFPG is going to write to the person who runs all the hospitals to demand that teenagers get a separate ward.
9.21 p.m.
The person who runs the NHS is the prime minister. He didn’t reply last time – AND craptacular braces are more important!
10.58 p.m.
Forgot to write – I asked Goose why Zach hadn’t texted. Goose thinks he might be on pay-as-you-go and is trying to save money! DOUBLE YAY!!! There’s a good reason for him not texting and it’s another thing we have in common!
SATURDAY 9TH MAY
5.34 p.m.
My brother just told me the worst date story ever. This GORGEOUS girl went on a date with a guy she had liked for AGES when she had a bit of a cold. Everything was going fine until she laughed at one of his jokes and ended up firing 2 massive bogeys – one out of each nostril – straight at him. He went RIGHT off her and everyone knew her as “Snotty” from then on. My brother said whatever you do make sure you clean your nose before you go.
7.45 p.m.
Ever since my brother told me the bogey story I have been sniffing every 5 seconds to make sure my nose is clear. I am sure I can feel stuff up there.
8.14 p.m.
Checked again – nothing there but it feels like there is! Texted Gran. Gran says put salt water up your nose to clear it.
8.43 p.m.
Think I might be sick but I am bogey-free.
9.02 p.m.
Mum says I am sniffing all the time – what is the matter – have I got hay fever?
10.47 p.m.
Mum has just been on the Frank website, where it says that sniffing is a possible sign of cocaine use. I have NEVER been near drugs except for paracetamol and Night Nurse! I am not a drug user. I just have BOGEY PHOBIA.
SUNDAY 10TH MAY
7.58 a.m.
Zach texted,
C U @ 6 outside Pizza Express, Irongate.
Bet he just woke up and thought of me – YUM!!!
1.09 p.m.
Right – have to start getting ready. Will be back later with FULL DATE EVENT ACTION.
10.12 p.m.
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!
I HAVE JUST BEEN TONGUED!
CAN’T WRITE…
LATER…
11.38 p.m.
So I met Zach outside Pizza Express and my stomach was doing flips. I felt actually sick, so we ordered dough balls. He had 9 of the 12 that you get, because a) I WANTED TO VOM WITH NERVES, and b) he is a sportsman and needs carbs.
Then he asked if I was having pizza or salad as usually thin girls like me never ate a lot! I told him that I was having a Quattro Formaggi and he WINKED and said, “It’s good we are both eating garlic,” and I thought, OMG, I think he wants to kiss me!!!
Anyway he is really funny and told me all about what his future plans were. I didn’t get a lot of chance to talk but to be honest I don’t think I am as interesting as him. He is hoping to get signed by a BIG club – if not, he thinks he’ll just become a plumber. TBH I don’t know if I will like him as much if he fixes toilets for a living, BUT I can tell he is just going to be HUGELY famous.
Anyway he walked me home and said, “Thanks for a great night” – then he LUNGED at me and said, “Shall we share some garlic?” and we had the most amazing snog EVER. Only I didn’t know where to put my hands so I just shoved them on his magnificent bum and turned my tongue around his a bit.
IT WAS PHENOMENALTOTALAMAZENESS!!! IT WAS A SNOG!!!
Then he just said, “He shoots, he scores. I really like you, Hattie. I’ll call you.”
Then Rob came to the door (hope he wasn’t watching) and offered Zach a lift home. Zach said he was going to get a bus, which I was DEAD relieved about as I knew Rob would either play level-crossing roulette or pretend he had no brakes. NEITHER is funny AT ALL and could result in the death of Zach – and he can’t die now as I HAVE TASTED REAL MAN AND HE IS MY BOYFRIEND.
MONDAY 11TH MAY
12.45 a.m.
BTW went to the loo 3 times in the restaurant to check for bogeys. None.
3.12 a.m.
Zach, PLEASE call – even though it’s 3 in the morning.
5.23 p.m.
At school told EVERYONE about Zach. Dimple and Jen were really happy for me but apparently MGK told Rachel who told Sophie who told Charlotte who told Doughnut Hannah that I was “hardly WAG material”. Dimple said, “Just ignore her – she’s jealous.” IT WAS AMAZE!!!
Then in French, Monsieur Très Gros, the fattest French teacher in the history of Europe, said, “What am I doing with my bra?” He meant bras as in French for “arm” but I wouldn’t be surprised with his man boobs if he had to wear one!!! LOL!!!
7.27 p.m.
Just thought – Monsieur Très Gros probably has more reason to wear a bra than me. This is depressing.
10.17 p.m.
Zach hasn’t called.
TUESDAY 12TH MAY
4.23 p.m.
REALLY weird in English. Florence Morse did a book report on The Very Hungry Caterpillar. She just wrote, “It was a hungry caterpillar. It ate stuff. It turned into a butterfly. Then someone probably trod on it because life is cruel. The end.”
Dr Richards said she had great economy with language and that it made a refreshing change from the 450 reports on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows he had read in the last year. You would think that Florence would be happy but she looked well pissed-off.
9.36 p.m.
NO CALL AGAIN. WHERE IS HE?!
Do you think I was a bad kisser? Perhaps I flicked my tongue too fast.
10.45 p.m.
Just tongued my hand. Think I am too frantic. Perhaps I’ve put him off with my mad mouth.
Shall I text him and apologize for my kiss? I’ll ask Dimple.
11.09 p.m.
Dimple must be asleep. CRISIS!!! Don’t put your mob on silent at the most vital point of my life, Dimps!
WEDNESDAY 13TH MAY
4.56 p.m.
Disaster! Showed Dimple in the loos at break what I did with my tongue. Lily Richardson saw, then she did an impression of me to Ruth Palmer, who showed MGK. MGK has now spread it that I kiss “like a mental”.
5.12 p.m.
OMG – that sounds as if I snogged Dimple!!! I didn’t. I just stuck my tongue in the air!!!
7.46 p.m.
Still no call. Called BT – landline is fine. Called Orange – mobile is fine.
Just texted him with
Hi R u ok? x
Dimple said to put just one kiss as more looks desperate.
10.14 p.m.
No response. Have I been dumped?!
THURSDAY 14TH MAY
6.23 p.m.
Went round to visit Goose, who is back home. He looked really pleased to see me until he realized I only wanted to use his Facebook login to spy on Zach. I’m not even his friend yet!
Anyway TOTAL AMAZE… It said, Zachary is liking a certain girl right now
IT MUST BE ME!!!
Goose said, “It’s OBVIOUS he likes you, Hats. Just boys don’t text as much as girls. Oh, and by the way, I am fine now I am out of hospital – thanks for asking.”
Goose is a bit sensitive. He has to realize I am actually in a relationship and this takes up a lot of my time.
FRIDAY 15TH MAY
6.52 a.m.
Why hasn’t Zach been in touch? He says he likes me on Facebook – WHY CAN’T HE JUST TEXT?!!
6.32 p.m.
Went round to see Gran after school. She says that I should “treat them mean to keep them keen”, because “men like bitches”.
Gran always “operates by The Rules”, she says. “The Rules” say you should not accept a date for a Saturday on a Tuesday. So basically if Zach asks me out now I should say no. Attention, Gran – that is SO not going to happen!
7.01 p.m.
Gran “always operates”?! VOM – GRAN IS DATING. Bet bogeys are the least of her problems. She hasn’t even got her own teeth.
Actually I wonder if snogging with no teeth is better. Your tongue can just go straight in and thrash about without fear of being bitten.
I need to snog more before I am past it – RING, ZACH, RING!
SATURDAY 16TH MAY
7.47 a.m.
FINALLY A TEXT!!! YAY!!! YAY!!! YAY!!! Just got it:
Hatz – c u at footie
Must start getting ready. Haven’t shaved my armpits or my legs.
10.34 p.m.
After football Zach took me to his house with a load of his mates. We sat there playing Grand Theft Auto on the Xbox. I was actually brilliant at it and his mates said, “Zach, your girlfriend (YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!! YES!!!) is a pro.”
Weird – Zach didn’t look very happy that I was amaze at Grand Theft Auto, but I’ve been playing it with my brother since I was about 4 – so I am bound to beat everyone!!! MY BOYFRIEND said I was a woman of many talents. OH YES, ZACH, I AM. MY LOVE TALENTS ARE HERE FOR YOU.
Then Rob pipped his horn outside and I had to go. Zach wouldn’t kiss me in front of his mates but I’m sure that now I am OFFICIALLY his girlfriend, there will be LOADS OF SNOGGING.
I am someone’s girlfriend.
I need to read Dr Phil’s “Healthy Relationship Guide”.
SUNDAY 17TH MAY
3.19 p.m.
Dr Phil says to “keep communication open between you and your partner” – so I am texting Zach with how I am feeling and what I am doing.
5.45 p.m.
I’ve had no reply but that’s fine.
6.32 p.m.
Actually it’s not fine at all. I’ve sent him 14 texts today and got NOTHING.
8.40 p.m.
ZERO, ZACH!!!
MONDAY 18TH MAY
7.54 a.m.
Perhaps if I pretend I’ve left something at his he’ll call me.
1.10 p.m.
Texted him at break and told him that I’ve bought him the new House of the Dead: Overkill game. I haven’t but he MUST be interested now.
4.24 p.m.
Checked phone straight after Science. STILL NO TEXT. Texted him with the slightly pissy
Any chance you can text me before the end of the year perhaps?
I am not playing it cool because I cannot play it cool. I am HOT with passion and NEED!!!
TUESDAY 19TH MAY
5.23 p.m.
Weirdo Jen thinks I shouldn’t have been so good at Grand Theft Auto – as boys don’t like women being better at boy stuff than them!
I have texted Zach apologizing for mullering him at Grand Theft Auto.
WEDNESDAY 20TH MAY
3.45 p.m.
Dimple thinks I need to be more assertive.
I have texted Zach telling him he is coming to dinner at my house on Saturday after football.
THURSDAY 21ST MAY
8.23 a.m.
Zach hasn’t texted so he must be coming round for dinner on Saturday. If he didn’t want to come surely he would tell me?
7.32 p.m.
Just told Mum I am bringing Zach round for dinner on Saturday and gave her this list:
no crap jokes
no baby photos
no asking what he intends to do with his life once he leaves school
no asking what his parents do
no asking what he does in his spare time
no mention of me being frightened of donkeys at the seaside
no mention of me being frightened by the Angel Gabriel in the school nativity when I was 4
no mention of me before the age of 13 in fact
Mum asked where did I get off inviting people round without asking her first? Rob said, “Oh, come on, darling – it’s fine – Hattie just wants to show us off.”
Please note – it’s my stepdad who takes my side, NOT MY OWN MOTHER!!!
FRIDAY 22ND MAY
9.56 p.m.
Today I smeared Blu-Tack on my eyebrows then ripped it up the wrong way – many hairs have detached themselves from my head. I may have discovered a new beauty technique.
10.04 p.m.
No, I haven’t. I now look as if my eyebrows have been sprinkled on.
Texted Zach to tell him with a LOL!!!
SATURDAY 23RD MAY
Don’t care about the time. Just got this:
Hatz – been really fun but not ready 2 commit right now. Football comes first.
WHY CAN’T I GO OUT WITH SOMEONE ACTUALLY NICE?! WHAT IS ACTUALLY WRONG WITH ME?!
10.45 p.m.
What IS wrong with me? SERIOUSLY?!
SUNDAY 24TH MAY
7.32 p.m.
I know EXACTLY what is wrong with me. I’ve just looked through this and on the actual 14th January I said that girls who don’t
know their real dads pick rubbish men! AND NOW IT’S HAPPENED.
