“Where you going, Dan?” Chris calls after him, but Dan doesn’t really hear him.
Dan has no plan, no real destination, but he knows he doesn’t want to have anything to do with what’s happening in that house. He’s got no legal rights to anything, he knows that, knows there’s nothing he can really do. He can’t even say for sure what Justin would want. The three people back at the house have known Justin a lot longer than he has, and he knows that they do love Justin, despite Dan’s accusations to the contrary. If they think Justin would want to give up, maybe they’re right. Dan just can’t understand how they can give up. Maybe Justin would want to quit, but that just means that it’s their job to be strong for him, to lend him their will power until he’s back to himself.
When Dan gets to the barn, he manages to make it upstairs without seeing Robyn, and he starts packing his few belongings into bags and some boxes he’s able to find. He’s not sure where he’s going. Ordinarily he would have run straight to Chris’s, but that doesn’t work anymore. But it doesn’t matter, really. The barn is going, and the horses are going, and Justin… Justin is going. So Dan is going as well. He just doesn’t really know where.
Chapter 6
DAN ENDS up arranging to stay with Robyn. He hadn’t planned it, but she’d seen him packing his stuff into the truck, and hadn’t even asked for an explanation. She’d just asked if he was going to Chris’s, and when he’d said no, she’d asked where he was going. When he’d turned his face away instead of answering her, she’d taken out her keys and snapped one off the ring.
Dan pulls out of himself long enough to realize that Robyn is going to get some bad news pretty soon too. She’ll be upset about her job but also about Justin. They’d all worked together at the farm for years. He decides to take the key but not make himself at home. If it seems like she wants some time alone, he can always leave.
He starts to drive into town, toward Robyn’s apartment, and then makes a sharp turn and heads for the highway instead. The drive to Willowbrook passes too quickly, and Dan soon finds himself walking through the familiar hallways and pausing at the same old door. He wonders how many more times he’ll be making this trip. Wonders if maybe Justin’s parents will change their minds, if they have to watch Justin dying a slow death. How could any parent stand by and let that happen?
Dan braces himself as usual and then pushes the door open. He doesn’t bother to even try to smile; it would be dishonest to pretend that he’s not upset.
“Hey, baby, it’s me.” Dan pulls the chair from against the wall and sets it next to Justin’s bed. He leans forward, resting his forearms on the bed, and takes one of Justin’s hands in his. He speaks almost reluctantly. “Things aren’t going so well, man. Your parents… I mean… you know they love you. They just—” Dan’s voice cracks.
“Justin, I really need you to wake up now. You’ve got to show them they’re wrong. I understand that you needed some time to heal, I get that, and maybe you got a bit lost in there or something.” Dan moves a hand up to Justin’s forehead and smooths his hair back. “Please, Justin. Baby… we’re running out of time, here.”
Dan can feel the tears running down his face. “Justin, please.” He leans forward and buries his face in Justin’s chest. His voice is muffled in the sheets, but he talks anyways, willing the words to pass directly through Justin’s skin to his heart. “Please don’t leave me, Justin. Please don’t leave me alone.”
Dan isn’t sure how long he stays there like that, but when he finally sits up, his face is dry, though stiff with salt. He takes a deep breath. There’s been no change in Justin, but he hadn’t really expected one. Intellectually, he knows that Justin’s parents are right. Justin is gone. And he’s not coming back.
Emotionally, it’s a little harder to accept, to understand. What is Dan supposed to do with the Justin-shaped hole in his life? How can he say goodbye to all their plans, all their shared memories, when Justin is still right in front of him, looking not terribly different than he had before the accident? With a jolt, Dan realizes that maybe that’s the reason for Karl and Molly’s decision. Nobody can let go, not really, not while Justin’s body is still here. But Dan doesn’t think he’s ready to let go. He still needs Justin, needs to let a tiny part of himself believe that things could go back to the way they were, back to being perfect.
Dan remembers meeting Jeff, remembers how Jeff said they’d met before, at Rolex. The Californian had seemed to be pretty understanding about the fact that Dan couldn’t remember him. Dan knows he’d been in a daze that whole weekend. The Rolex Kentucky Three-Day Event is the top event in North America, and Justin had competed in it, on a horse that Dan had conditioned and helped to train. Add in the fact that they were from a local farm, with Justin Kentucky-born-and-bred, and they’d been treated like royalty all weekend long. And when Justin had won, an underdog coming from nowhere, he’d gone straight to Dan and pulled him into the messiest, goofiest, most enthusiastic kiss Dan had ever been a part of—and Justin had known that the TV cameras were rolling. Dan doesn’t understand how to reconcile that vibrant, intense man with the body lying on the bed in front of him, but he also doesn’t know how to let go of the only part of that man that’s still alive.
It’s ironic that Dan’s best and worst days with Justin both came at the same event, but a year apart. Justin had been so driven, so determined to repeat his triumph. The previous year’s victory had given a huge boost to the farm, with people clamoring for horses trained at the stable that had produced a Rolex winner. But Justin knew that the horse world was fickle, knew that he needed to keep winning in order for the farm’s success to continue. He’d done well in the dressage competition, and he was confident that he could put in a good performance at the jumping, but the cross-country was his chance to really shine. Dan had known he was wound too tight, had tried to talk him down, but Justin had been almost manic in his intensity. The last words Justin had ever spoken to Dan had been, “Back off, Dan. Don’t tell me how to ride!”
On a good day, Dan can comfort himself by knowing that he had at least tried to get Justin to ride safely. On a bad day, he wonders if Justin’s recklessness had come as much from anger at Dan as from his need to win, if Dan’s attitude had somehow disrupted the careful focus and concentration that was required to safely ride an elite cross-country course. He wonders what was going through Justin’s mind during the approach to the twelfth jump, wonders whether Justin could tell it was going wrong, wonders if he was worried about himself or about Willow when the mare’s front hooves hit the immovable barrier and sent them both tumbling forward in a tangle of horse and rider. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to get the image out of his mind.
Dan hears the door open softly behind him. He turns to see Karl and Molly standing in the doorway. They look tentative, almost apologetic. “We can wait, if you’d like some more time alone, Dan.” Molly’s voice is soft.
Dan’s stomach twists at her choice of words. He doesn’t want time alone, he wants time with Justin. He stands stiffly. “No, that’s fine. I’ve been here for a while.” He moves toward the door, and the three do an awkward dance in the doorway.
Karl puts a gentle hand on his arm. “Dan….”
But Dan pulls away. He’s not angry anymore, he understands what they’re doing, but he just can’t talk about it, not right now. “You’ve got my cell number, if you need to reach me about anything. Okay?” He tries to make it a little gentle, not as fierce as he was that morning. But he still can’t look them in the eye.
Karl drops his hand and nods. “Okay.” He sounds old.
Dan walks briskly down the hallway and out to the truck. He checks the time on his phone. It’s later than he thought, and he’s supposed to be working at the bar that night. He briefly considers calling in sick but then thinks about sitting around Robyn’s apartment all night with nothing to distract him, and decides that work sounds like a much better idea.
If he hurries, he has time to drop his stu
ff of at Robyn’s and see if she’s still okay with him staying there. He wishes that he’d thought to ask Karl and Molly whether they’d spoken to her yet, but he guesses he’ll know as soon as he sees her face.
And he does. When she opens the door to his knock, her eyes are red and puffy, and she doesn’t say anything, just shuffles forward and burrows into his chest. He brings his arms up to enfold her, and they stand there in the doorway, rocking a little. It doesn’t last long, and then Robyn is pulling back and brushing at her face, trying to put a smile on.
“Did you bring your stuff? The couch pulls out, and there’s room over there for you to pile whatever you don’t want to leave in the truck.”
“Robyn, are you sure it’s okay? I mean, this is maybe not the best time for a house guest.”
“Don’t be stupid. You’re not a house guest; you’re Danny.” Her smile seems a little more genuine this time, and she says, “Come on, I’ll help you bring stuff up. And then, are you working tonight? You could steal me a drink or two, help me feel better?”
“Absolutely.” Dan nods and tries to fight back the lump in his throat. “I don’t have much, but, yeah, if you don’t get enough of carrying heavy things around all day….”
A few trips down and back, and then all of Dan’s belongings are piled in the corner of Robyn’s living room. He looks at the clock on the wall. He’s a little bit late for work already. Robyn waves him off, tells him she’s going to have a shower and then come to the bar for dinner, and Dan heads out the door.
He drives to the bar and gets to work. He likes being able to fall into the familiar routine. It’s not as good of a distraction as barn work. There’s too much thought required, and it doesn’t use his muscles enough. Still, it’s better than just sitting around.
Robyn comes in with her new boyfriend, and Dan chats with them a little, but both he and Robyn are pretty subdued, and the boyfriend seems to be really understanding about it all. They move over to a table to eat, and shortly after that Dan sees Chris in the doorway. Chris hasn’t seen him yet, and he has a sudden, childish urge to run into the back and hide. He just doesn’t want to deal with anything tonight.
But then Chris is making his way over, and Dan knows he’s been caught. He pours a draft and sets it in front of Chris, and then reaches for the bottle of Wild Turkey, holding it up questioningly.
“Fuck, yes, man. Get pouring.” Dan takes a minute to look at Chris, and sees that the man looks about as bad as Dan feels. But somehow, Dan is having a harder time forgiving Chris than he is forgiving Justin’s parents. He’s not angry, exactly; it just feels like he doesn’t know Chris as well as he thought he did. Like Dan had thought they were better friends than they were. He pours and then puts the glass on the bar and goes to serve other customers. When there’s a gap in the orders, he restocks the bar or polishes glasses, rather than going and talking to Chris like he normally would.
Chris drains his glass, and Dan has to go back to offer a refill. He isn’t surprised when Chris tries to stop him from leaving again. “Dan, do you have a minute? We should talk.”
Dan tries to maintain his calm. “Sorry, man, not really. I’m at work.”
Chris snorts. “Dan, you’re one of the top eventing trainers in the country. You shouldn’t be worried about your job as a bartender!”
Dan turns back to him, this time a little more fiercely. “Well, as of this morning, this is the only job I’ve got, so if you don’t mind, I’d like to keep it. If you have some sort of business you need me for, you can call me tomorrow—my schedule has just gotten really open.”
“Well, if you’re looking for work, you could consider the offer from Kaminski. He seems to be willing to throw a hell of a lot of money around.”
Dan is done trying to walk away from this. “Okay, first, other than you and Karl and Molly rambling about something, I haven’t actually gotten an offer from Kaminski—well, I have, but he wasn’t interested in me riding a horse, exactly. Second, it’s really none of your damn business what I do for a living—if you don’t see fit to include me in decisions about my lover’s life, then why the hell should I include you in my decisions about any damn thing? And, third, I’m not leaving Justin. So even if there is a job in California, I won’t be taking it.” Dan’s voice has risen enough that people are starting to look over, and he takes a deep breath to calm himself. He continues a little more quietly. “So, this job is still pretty important. I’d appreciate it if you would try to not fuck that up for me.”
Chris looks a little surprised by the depth of Dan’s resentment, but he doesn’t give up. “Okay, fine. No discussion, no conversation, but just let me give you one little fact.”
Dan waits reluctantly, and Chris continues. “The offer from Kaminski for buying the horses—it’s a really good offer, and Karl and Molly want it a lot. It’s way better than they’ll ever get for selling the horses individually, and it’s quick and easy and stress-free, which would be great for them right now. But the deal’s contingent on Kaminski being able to hire a suitable trainer for the horses.” Chris pauses and takes a sip of his bourbon as Dan stands waiting. “Now, that’s all it says in the contract, ‘a suitable trainer’. But the contract says that it’s Kaminski’s place to determine who’s ‘suitable’, and he’s made it pretty clear that when he says ‘suitable’, he means you.” Chris looks Dan in the eyes. “So, I’m not telling you what to do—I wouldn’t know what to say even if you were interested in listening. But I wanted to be sure you had the information before you made any big decisions. It’s absolutely your choice whether you want to take the job or not. But I just thought you should be aware that without you, the deal goes south.”
Chris polishes off what’s left in his glass and stands up. “So, if it’s all right with you, I’ll give Kaminski your number; have him give you a call.” Dan nods distractedly, and Chris’s expression softens. “Molly said you moved out of the apartment already. Have you got somewhere to stay?” Dan doesn’t speak for a moment, so Chris continues. “You know you’re always welcome at my place. Or if you’d rather not, if you need some money to stay at a hotel or something, I can get the firm to advance some money out of your back pay claim….”
Dan shakes his head. “No, thanks. I’m fine. I’m staying with a friend.”
Chris winces a little but nods, and then his head swivels to look at the table where Robyn is sitting, trying not to eavesdrop on the conversation at the bar. “Yeah, okay. But, honestly, Dan….” Chris reaches over the bar, trying to grasp Dan’s forearm, but Dan jerks back out of reach. Chris pulls his hand back, and continues softly. “If you need anything, Dan. Please, give me a call.”
Dan doesn’t really answer, just nods dismissively and moves away. There are several people waiting for drinks, and he busies himself with them as Chris heads for the door. Dan had felt overwhelmed before the conversation with Chris, and now it’s like there’s even more weight being piled onto his shoulders. He has an almost overwhelming urge to just leave, to get in his truck and drive until morning and start all over again somewhere else. He’s done it before, after all.
A customer waves him over, and he goes. He resolves to lose himself in the job for tonight. Then he’ll take a bottle home with him and drink himself to sleep on Robyn’s couch. He knows that things won’t be any better in the morning, but, hey, it’s about time he got lucky—if he plays his cards right, maybe a giant asteroid will hit the Earth and he won’t have to worry about any of this anymore. With that comforting thought, he moves around the bar and gets back to work.
Chapter 7
DAN FOLLOWS his plan to the letter, and wakes up feeling like his brain is too big for his skull. He almost welcomes the pain and fuzzy thinking; they’re one more way to distract himself from reality.
Robyn has already left for work, he discovers when he gets up, and he feels totally aimless. He finds coffee made, and has one more reason to be grateful to his hostess. Then he has a shower, tidies up the blankets on the
couch, and turns on the television. After fifteen minutes, he’s climbing the walls.
He goes out and walks down the street to find a diner. He orders breakfast and reads the paper. He takes a half-hearted look at the want ads, but he knows that he’s not going to find a job he wants in the classifieds. He’s asked his boss at JP’s to keep him in mind for extra shifts, so he’s not exactly destitute, especially as long as Robyn will tolerate him sleeping on her couch. And he trusts Karl and Molly to get him his back pay and severance, although he’s not really sure how long all that will take.
At ten thirty his phone rings, and he almost breaks a finger he’s so eager to get it out of his pocket. It’s not that he wants to talk to anybody specific; he just wants to do something. He hadn’t realized how busy his job kept him until he didn’t have it anymore.
He checks the call display and finds the caller identified as a local hotel. Probably Kaminski, then. Dan doesn’t really want to talk to the guy, but….
“Hello.”
“Hi, Dan, it’s Jeff Stevens.” This is a little easier to take, Dan decides. He may not be sure about the relationship between Jeff and Evan, but at least Dan can talk horses with Jeff.
“Hey, Jeff, how are you?”
“I’m good, thanks. Uh, Chris gave me your number.” Jeff pauses. “Listen, Dan… this whole thing has gotten pretty jumbled up, but we’re trying to get it back on track. Would you be free for lunch today? Evan has a business proposal for you. I know you’ve heard rumblings, but we’d like a chance to present the idea properly.”
“Look, I don’t want to waste your time… I can come by if you like, but I’m really not interested in leaving Kentucky.”
Jeff’s voice is level. “Yeah, we’ve got some ideas about that. Just give us a chance.” Jeff takes Dan’s silence as acquiescence. “It’s your town—do you have a recommendation for where to eat?”
Dreamspinner Press Year Four Greatest Hits Page 32
