“That was a joke. Relax.” He lay back into the pillows on my bed.
“How did you know where I live?”
“Jared told me.” Jared was a guy in the class above mine, a former Chops member. He still lived on campus finishing up his degree.
“Oh.”
“Sadie and I are staying with Jared. We’re going out to his place in Big Bear Lake tonight.”
“You’re going to Big Bear Lake?” Panic shriveled my insides.
“Yup, this afternoon after Sadie finishes her visit. You’ve been to Jared’s place, right? It’s sweet. And Jared says there’s a fun concert this weekend. Wrigley and some alums are meeting us there.”
“Yeah, Paper Diamond is playing. I’m going.”
“Really?” Stephen’s eyes widened. “Awesome. Where are you staying?”
“We rented a condo near the venue.” I stared at him, aware of the danger surrounding the fact that my panic was quickly melting into excitement. A layer of fizz on my skin.
“Cool.” His eyes locked mine. “Is it going to be a problem for you if I’m there?”
“No,” I lied. “Why would it be?”
“Just making sure. It would be nice to spend some time with you this weekend.”
I swallowed at the sight of him lying comfortably on my bed, his hands interlaced complacently across his chest, and I felt the forces of hatred and love clawing inside me, fighting each other for permission.
“I really do need to get ready for class. And you need to leave. If Jackie wakes up and finds you here . . .”
“No questions asked.” He stood. “Can’t risk a Jackie run-in before coffee.”
“I made coffee. It’s in the kitchen if you want some,” I offered for no apparent reason. “There are to-go cups in the cabinet.”
“Coffee would save me right now. You’re the best, Luce. I’ll call you when I get to Bear later? How about you answer for a change?”
“I’ll try.” I smiled, not unaware of the subdued frustration my lack of response had caused him. I was proud of myself for having been so unavailable.
After he left I got dressed and walked east across campus, toward Foster Hall. I passed Adler Quad and the old badminton net and was overcome by the feeling that everything was at once completely different and entirely the same. I was caught somewhere between relief and horror, between anger and affection, the binaries slicing each other, my heart left hanging on a string. The fact that I would still be so insanely attracted to Stephen shouldn’t have been a surprise, but somehow it was, burning my insides, fogging my head, unraveling everything I had spent months mending and patching and restoring.
And I felt more excited than I had in all those months—that was the worst part. The hours I’d spent divulging my soul in Dr. Wattenbarger’s office last summer felt far away and unimportant. Thoughts of Stephen sailed me through Mr. Sterling’s two-hour lecture on postmodernism. He’s here. He’s on campus again. He’s going to Bear Mountain this weekend. He wants to spend time with me.
I was delirious and idiotic and naive and irresponsible and self-destructive, and I knew all of that. But none of it weighed anything against what I actually felt. Do you follow your head or your heart? Which do you do? Your heart, always. Right? I didn’t think I would ever stop believing that. I was old enough to know that it was a rare feeling to like someone the maximum amount. Anybody would’ve been lucky to feel the way I did.
38
STEPHEN
MARCH 2014
Jared told me where she lived, in the little green house with the white shutters on Carroll Street. There is a fine line between being romantic and being creepy, but romantic is usually a safe bet if the girl (A) has or has had strong feelings for you, and (B) is emotionally fragile. With Lucy it was both, and I knew that she’d interpret a spontaneous knock on her door as pure romance.
She looked good, healthy, better than I remembered, even in boxers and an old tee. Not as bone-thin. I could see her nipples through the cotton, and I had to look away for my own sanity.
When my buddy Jared told me Lucy and her friends were going to Bear Mountain for the Paper Diamond show, I told him to count Sadie and me in. Jared is like Wrigley—he doesn’t judge. He’s a good kid. His dad’s a big-shot producer in LA, and their place in Big Bear Lake is enormous. His parents were never even there. I knew it wouldn’t be a problem.
After Sadie toured the campus and visited an art history class, we headed to Bear Mountain in Jared’s truck. Wrigley was living in Venice; I called him from the road and told him to get his ass out to the mountains.
Jared’s massive house was right on the lake, at the end of a long, winding driveway. The fresh air smelled of pine trees and wood smoke. Inside, Jared gave Sadie and me one of the bedrooms upstairs.
Wrigley arrived from LA after we finished dinner. I was so glad to see his stupid face that I nearly pounced on the kid—I’d missed that asshole more than any of the other guys I’d hung around with in college. Wrigley and I understood each other; we always had. That night the crew staying at Jared’s lounged in front of the fire playing drinking games. Something about being on the lake and in the mountains purified my mind, and I felt better than I had in weeks.
I didn’t see Lucy until the following day. Pippa McAllister had rented a condo right in Big Bear Village near the concert venue, so Wrigley and I stopped by to pregame. Lucy had actually answered my text and told me to come—a positive sign.
Wrig and I had started drinking at brunch, and by the time we got to Pippa’s around four I was decently buzzed. Floor-to-ceiling glass windows overlooked the mountain, which made the condo feel airy and more spacious that it actually was. Music thumped from the speakers propped on the mantel, and a cracked door led to a balcony where people were passing a joint. The place was crowded; I dug my eyes into the mass of faces and looked for her. I spotted her slim legs dangling from the countertop, legs I’d memorized. I lifted my eyes to see her profile in laughter, her neck stretched back, shiny brown hair spilling down over a cream-colored sweater. Wrigley passed me a beer and I pressed my fingers hard around the chilled can.
“C’mon, Sade, let’s go say hi to Lucy.”
“Lucy?”
“You remember Lucy? From a couple of summers ago?”
“Is she the skinny brunette? I lose track of your girlfriends.” Sadie rolled her eyes.
I bumped through bodies and faces I didn’t recognize, younger kids I didn’t know, and made my way over to her.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” Her dark blue eyes were shining.
“Did you ski today?”
“Nah,” she said. “The snow sucks.”
“Bear’s never the greatest in March,” I nodded.
“Hi,” chirped Sadie.
“Hi, Sadie!” Lucy replied enthusiastically, clearly having not forgotten Sadie. “How was your visit at Baird?” Lucy was nice to nearly everyone, which could get annoying.
Sadie and Lucy delved into a conversation about the art history class Sadie had visited the day before. I pretended to listen while I watched her; the side of her face when she smiled, the creases that sharpened at the corners of her eyes, her dark eyelashes. She was wearing makeup. She looked insane. Jackie, who she’d been talking to before we walked over, shot me a death stare before darting away.
“Do you want a drink?” Lucy was saying. “I’ll make you guys a drink. I need another, too.”
Her jeans were frayed at the knee, and I studied the patch of skin visible through the rip. It was too much. A chill rose up my spine. Standing so close to her, I recognized the smell of her. I wanted to get drunker. I shook the can of beer in my hand, and it was almost empty.
“Yeah, make us whatever you’re drinking.”
“Whiskey ginger?”
“Perfect.”
A part of me wished I could just get it over with, just go off alone with her somewhere and fuck her, I mean really fuck her good and hard a couple of times, and the
n go get on with my life. It was how Lucy had always made me feel—distracted. Unbearably so. There were long periods of time during which I hardly thought of her, until out of nowhere, for one reason or another, she’d pop into my mind. And then the idea of her would take hold and absorb aimless pockets of time—on the subway, in the shower, riding the elevator, lying in bed at night. Unsolicited pestering. Lucy was an itch, a song stuck in your head or a movie you need to rewatch or a food you suddenly crave. But I couldn’t push her away, because she wasn’t there in the first place.
“Here you go.” She handed us each a tumbler of whiskey and ginger ale poured over ice. I took a sip and it was cold and not too sweet. Just right.
The three of us chatted for a while and when our drinks were empty, Lucy mixed another round. Then a tall guy who looked like he’d stepped out of a fly-fishing catalog called Lucy’s name, and she hopped down from the counter.
“I’ll be back.”
I watched her walk over to the tall guy and he put his hand on her shoulder and leaned in too close to her. I looked down at my drink and it was empty again. I glanced at Sadie; I hoped she wasn’t getting too drunk.
“Are you okay, Sade?”
“Yes, why?”
“Just making sure. Maybe don’t drink anymore for a bit.”
“Lucy is so nice,” she purred, stumbling a little.
“She is.”
“She’s so pretty.”
“She is.” My eyes floated over to where Lucy had been standing, but she was walking up the stairs and fly fisherman was following her. I took the bottle of Jameson off the counter and poured the last of it in my cup.
“You’re flirting with her,” Sadie cooed.
“Not really.”
“Are you and Alice in a fight or something?”
“No,” I told Sadie. “Let’s go find Wrigley.”
I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but the sun had dunked behind the mountains and lights were popping on inside the condo. Wrigley had quickly become the king of the party, despite knowing hardly anyone. He dumped a pile of coke on the coffee table and cut lines with his credit card. Lined up they looked like little white caterpillars.
“No drugs, Sadie,” I whispered to my sister. “And don’t tell Dad you saw any of this, okay?”
“I’m not an infant, Stephen.” Sadie rolled her eyes.
Lucy reappeared from upstairs. “Hey, Luce, want a line?” Wrigley asked her.
“Sure.” I watched her take the rolled-up twenty from Wrig and tighten it between her fingers. She plugged a nostril, leaned over the glass table and inhaled.
“Hey,” I said behind her, into her hair.
When she turned around she was grinning. She seemed older suddenly, in a good way. Mature. Confident.
“Oh, hey.” Her eyes landed softly on mine.
“Lucy,” someone called from the doorway. “C’mon, we’re leaving.”
It was the fly fisherman with a disapproving frown on his face. He ran a hand through his mop of brown hair.
“I’m gonna head to the show,” Lucy whispered, just to me. “See you there?”
“Sure.”
I watched her slide her arms into a long faux-fur coat. I watched the fly fisherman cover her head in a hat with a big white pom-pom attached to it. I watched them leave, watched the door click shut behind them. The room was foggy and loud. I wished they’d turn down the fucking music. Something inside me felt desperately unhinged.
Wrigley asked me if I wanted a pill of ecstasy.
“What the hell.” I held out my palm. “When in Big Bear.”
When Sadie wasn’t looking we swallowed the small blue pills.
“Lucy looks good,” Wrigley said.
“Right.” I’d always been sick of people telling me that, as if I were somehow the partial owner of that information.
“Are you guys gonna bang?” Wrigley’s eyes grew wide.
“I shouldn’t.” I shrugged.
“How’s, err, Alice, is it?”
“She’s fine.” I really didn’t feel like talking about Alice. She’d called twice today, and I had yet to call her back.
Wrigley could read something amiss in me, the way he’d always been able to.
“DeMarco, these pills are magic. Don’t worry, brother. In twenty minutes you’ll be soaring.”
He was right. Twenty minutes later when we left the condo to walk over to the concert venue—a spot in town called the Goldmine—I felt blissfully calm as an electrifying euphoria hit my brain. I felt indescribably better. I fucking love drugs.
Paper Diamond was wompy electronic music, which I didn’t typically enjoy, but while rolling on ecstasy the sound was vibrant and incredible. Wrigley bought us cold beers and I’d never tasted anything so good. The Goldmine was crowded and alive, neon lights bouncing through the audience like colorful jet streams. I felt phenomenal.
I texted Lucy.
STEPHEN: Come stand with me.
She replied almost instantly.
LUCY: Where are you?
STEPHEN: Front right of stage.
LUCY: Give me five.
Minutes later she appeared, dreamlike effervescence shrouding her like a halo. Light blue glitter shimmered on her cheeks.
“Where’d the glitter come from?” I put my arms around her and pulled her close. I kissed the top of her head. I didn’t care if Sadie or Wrigley or anyone saw.
Lucy melted in my arms. I stood behind her and pressed my hands against her stomach, felt the small, contracting muscles of her abdomen through her shirt. Her hair smelled like flowers and we swayed to the music.
“I need you, Luce,” I whispered in her ear.
“I thought you had a girlfriend?” She turned to face me, the whites of her eyes shining in the semidark.
“I don’t care.”
“You don’t care?”
“She’s not you.”
It was too easy to say the right thing. I leaned down and kissed her; I thought I might inhale her.
“I shouldn’t do this, Stephen.”
“Because of that guy?”
“Partly.” Her face was so beautiful I almost couldn’t look at her.
“God, I’ve missed you. You’re so fucking beautiful, do you know that?”
I kissed her and she kissed me back, pressing her fingers into the back of my neck, her tongue gliding into my mouth. I spun her back toward the stage and wrapped my arms around her warm middle, down the front of her jeans into her underwear, shielded by her long jacket. I pressed two fingers against her, making the circles I knew she loved. It didn’t take long, just a few easy minutes until her back arched and I felt her, the shudder coursing through. Lights exploded from the stage, every beat of sound pulsing with the beat of my heart, and the world fell away.
After the show we took a taxi to Jared’s, the decision that she would come back with me unspoken. Sadie leaned against my shoulder, her eyelids drooping. Lucy fumbled around with her cell. An incoming call from Billy Boyd flashed on the screen, and she put the phone in her pocket.
Back at Jared’s I took Sadie upstairs to our bedroom. She was already under the covers when I turned off the light.
“I hope you had a good time, Sade.”
“Mmm. So fun,” she slurred. “You’re the best.”
Lucy waited for me at the bottom of the staircase. It was already three in the morning. It seemed to have gotten very late very quickly and unnoticeably, the way it does when you’re on drugs. The house hummed with the stillness of the late hour. I’d stopped rolling from the E but still felt mellow and gratified. Some of the guys were having a nightcap in the living room, but I just wanted to be alone with her. I interlaced our fingers and led her down the hall. We poked our heads into the bedrooms but all of them were taken, so we walked upstairs and checked there. But every room was occupied, either by people passed out or luggage marking claimed territory.
“Shit,” I said. “I didn’t realize there were so many people stayi
ng here.”
“We could take a shower.” Lucy stepped in close to me and I felt the blood rush between my legs.
“I really just wanna lie down in a bed with you,” I breathed.
“Me, too. You’re so sexy.” She pressed her mouth to my neck.
“Come here.” I led her down the hallway and creaked open the door to the bedroom I was sharing with Sadie. “There’s an extra bed in here.”
“Stephen, no.” She gestured to my sister, who was zonked out in the other twin bed, still in her clothes from the day.
“Sadie’s passed out. She sleeps through anything. Seriously. We’ll be so quiet.” I pressed my hips against hers. “C’mon, Luce. I can’t wait any longer.”
Her moan sufficed as consent. I shut the door and we found each other in the darkness. I peeled off her clothes. I held my breath as she unbuckled my belt. Her smooth skin against my own was like ecstasy all over again, and I couldn’t contain myself. I pushed her back against the pillows and pressed myself all the way inside her.
I came as quietly as I possibly could, which wasn’t easy. It felt so euphoric I wanted to howl to the heavens, to whatever divine force had brought sex with Lucy back to me.
Afterward she lay across my chest, panting. I ran my fingers through her hair. As my orgasm faded I started to feel the returning, rattling pangs of reality: the death hangover that would engulf me in the morning, the brutal trip to the airport and flight back to New York, a pestering phone call from my father about how it all went, an angry call from Alice about my poor communication over the weekend.
I glanced over at Sadie, still a snoring lump on the other bed.
“I miss you, Luce,” I said softly.
“I miss you, too. You started school, huh?”
“Yeah. It’s a lot of work.”
A few moments of silence passed until Lucy spoke again.
“What’s your girlfriend like?”
“What do you mean?”
“I just want to know.”
“She’s nice,” I sighed. “But it’s been tough. We moved in together, actually. It’s not the best situation.”
“You moved in together?” Lucy’s hushed voice rose an octave, and I already regretted saying anything.
Tell Me Lies Page 30
