Desolation was abrupt. "I want to go home."
With great compassion Sahdri said, "We all of us wish to go home. The welfare of our people lies in not doing it."
Even as I shook my head I felt myself trembling. "This is not where I belong."
"You can belong nowhere else. Not now."
I swung on him. "I’m not one of you! I wasn’t born here, wasn’t raised here… I know nothing of Skandi beyond what I have learned since I came. There is nothing of Skandi in me —"
"Your blood," he said. "Your bone. You were bred of this place, even if you were not born here. Skandi is in you; how not? How can you believe otherwise? You leaped from the spire, and survived."
"And I don’t even remember why, let alone how!" I shouted it. Heard the echoes amid the spires.
Gently he said, "You will."
I turned away again, to stare fixedly at the Stone Forest. "There is only one life that matters, and I would never harm her."
"You may believe so. But you are wrong. Others have been wrong before."
"I would never hurt Del —" And then I stopped short. I had hurt Del. Had nearly killed Del.
"Trust me," Sahdri said, seeing my expression. "I entreat you to remain here, and I pray you will be brought to wisdom —"
I shook my head.
"Afterward," he said earnestly, "after you understand what you truly are —"
I interrupted. "Sword-dancer. There is nothing else in the world I am or wish to be."
He closed his eyes. I marveled again at the trappings of his order: ornate blue patterns tattooed into shaven skull, ring after ring piercing lips and ears, brows and nose. He glittered in the sunlight, features aglow with a haze of silver. He was not an old man, but neither was he young. Lines of character and strength of will shaped his features.
When he opened his eyes again, the darkness was rimmed with fire.
I fell back a step. Stared at him, transfixed by the expression of his face, the transcendent power in his eyes.
"Who are you?" he asked.
I swallowed. "Sword-dancer."
"Who are you?"
"Sandtiger."
"lo," he said. "lo. Who are you?"
"Sandtiger. Sword-dancer."
"lo."
"No," I said. "Not mad. Not io."
"Kneel."
"I’m not kneel —" And I did. Without volition. One moment I was standing, but the next I knelt. I could not connect the moments, could find no bridge between them.
Sahdri stood over me and put his hands upon me. Settled them into my hair, captured the skull with his grip.
Tipped the skull up so I had no choice but to look into his face. "Who are you?"
I opened my mouth to answer: the Sandtiger. But the world was ripped away.
The bird drifted. Below it stretched the endless sands, the Southron desert known as Punja, alive and sentient. It moved by whim of wind, swallowing settlements, caravans, tribes. It left in its wake bones scoured free of flesh, and tumbled. Buried later, unburied later yet. Scattered scraps of bone, eaten of flesh; stripped by sand, by wind; clean of any taint of life.
No meal here; others had feasted before it. The bird flew on, winged shadow fleeing across the sands. And then it came to an oasis, a cluster of trees around a well framed in stone. Men were there, gathering. A circle was drawn in the sand. Blades were placed in the center, while two men stood at the inner rim, facing one another.
A man said "Dance," and so they did. Ran, took up swords, began the ritual so pure in its intent, so splendid in execution, that even the death was beautiful.
One man died. The other did not. He was a tall man, a big man, with dark hair bleached to bronze from the sun, skin baked to copper. His strength and quickness were legendary; he had come to be reckoned by many the best. There was another, but he was older. And they had never met to settle it since one bout within a training circle, beneath the eyes of the shodo. This man wondered which of them might win, were they to meet again.
With meticulous care, he cleaned his blade. Accepted the accolades of those who watched. As one they turned their backs on him and walked to their horses, to depart. He expected no more. He had killed one of their own.
One man threw down a leather pouch: it spilled a handful of coin into the sand. The victor did not immediately take it up but tended his sword instead, wiping it clean of blood. Or the leavings of the dance.
Not always to the death, the sword-dance. Infrequently
so; ritual was often enough, and the yielding. But this dance had been declared a death-dance.
He survived. He cleaned his blade, put it back in its scabbard, slid arms into harness straps. He wore only a leather dhoti, leather harness. From the ground he took the coin, took the burnous, took the reins of his horse.
He had won. Again.
The bird circled. Winged on. Watched the man, watched the dances, watched him win. So many dances. Nothing else lived in the man but the willingness to risk himself within the confines of the circle. He was the dance.
The bird circled. Winged on. North, to mountains, to water, to winter. To a circle in the lake: the island named Staal-Ysta; to the circle on the island, drawn by Northern hands. The man in the circle, dancing. The woman who danced with him.
Pain there, and grief. Desperate regret. The wish to leave the circle… the capacity to stay, because it was required. Because honor demanded it.
The man and the woman danced, hating the dance, loving one another. Each of them wounded. Each of them bleeding. Each of them reeling to fall upon the ground. Each of them believing there was no better way to die than in the circle, honoring its rituals. Honoring one another.
The circle. The sword. The dance. And the man within the circle, dancing with a sword.
Dancing against the beast. Dancing for the beast.
The sandtiger he had conjured to also conjure freedom.
The bird circled. Swung back. South to the desert, southeast to the ocean, east to the island. To the Stone Forest, and the spires of the gods.
It knew. It understood. It acknowledged.
I roused to the rattle of claws, the tautness of leather thong against my throat. I meant to set my hand to the necklet, to preserve it and my throat, but I knelt upon the stone with legs and hands made part of it, encased, and I could do nothing.
A hoarse sound escaped me. Sahdri said, "Be still." And so I was.
He took the necklet from my throat. Leather rotted to dust in his hands, was carried away by wind. All that remained were claws.
One by one he tossed them into the air. Into the skies, and down.
With each he said, "The beast is dead."
They fell, one by one.
Were gone.
He knelt before me. Set hands into my hair, imprisoned the skull. "The beast is dead."
Unlocked from stone, I stood as he raised me. I was hollow, empty. A husk.
"Come inside," Sahdri said. "There are rituals to be done, and the gods await."
The bird perched upon the chair. It watched as the hair was shorn, then shaved. The flesh of the skull was paler than the body, for the Southron sun had only tantalized it, never reached it. When that flesh was smooth and clean, men gathered with dye, with needles. The patterns were elaborate, and lovely. Blood and fluid welled, was blotted away. The canvas on which they painted made no sound of complaint, of comment, of question. The pupils had grown small; the eyes saw elsewhere. The house of bone and flesh was quiescent as the spirit turned away from the world and in upon itself, to consider what it was now that the beast was dead.
When the patterns were complete, rings were set into his flesh. The lobe of each ear was pierced three times and silver rings hooked through. Three rings also were put through each eyebrow. Then the man was taken out upon the spire, was shown the wind, the world. He was made to kneel again; was blessed there by the others. Was made to lie facedown upon the stone. The arms were pulled away from his sides and placed outstretched upo
n the stone, palms down.
He lay in silence, rapt. Seeking the beast perhaps; but the beast was dead.
Shadow winged across the man’s back. His head was blue, and bloody.
The bird circled. It watched as the fingers of the hands were spread with deft precision. Saw how the thumbs and first three fingers were sealed into stone; how the small finger on each hand was left as flesh, and free.
Two knives were brought. Two men, Natha and Erastu, priests and mages, knelt beside the man who lay upon the stone.
At Sahdri’s brief nod, they cut off the smallest finger of each hand.
At Sahdri’s brief nod, they lifted the severed fingers and gave them into his keeping.
He turned to the rim of the world, to the wind, invoked the blessing of the gods, and threw the fingers away.
One by one they fell.
Were gone.
The man upon the stone made no sound until Sahdri knelt beside him, put a hand upon his neck, and let it be known what had been done to him.
The man upon the stone, rousing into awareness, into comprehension, began to cry out curses upon them all.
"Be at peace," Sahdri said kindly. "The beast is dead, and you are now a living celebration of the gods."
The man upon the stone — shaven, tattooed, flesh pierced and amputated — continued to cry out curses. To scream them at Sahdri, at the brothers, at the gods.
The bird winged higher, to catch and ride the wind.
I roused into fever, into pain. And when the fever was gone, I lived with pain. The stumps were sealed, so there was no blood, but pain remained. As much was of knowledge as of physical offense.
For days I lay upon the floor of the hermitage. I was given food and water; wanted neither. But eventually I drank, though I spurned the food. And when I drank, cup held in shaking hands now lacking a finger each, I tasted blood and bitter gall.
Sahdri said they had killed the beast. The sandtiger. The animal that freed me, that gave me identity and purpose, a name. The animal I was in the stories of the South: the Sandtiger, shodo-trained seventh-level sword-dancer from legendary Alimat; the man who lost no dances; who had, as a boy, defeated Abbu Bensir.
I was all of those things, and none of them. I understood what was done, and why: rob a man of his past, of the ability to live in it, to continue it through present into future, and he has no choice. He becomes something else. Other.
But understanding came fitfully. There were other times it deserted me. Times when I deserted me, left the abused body and went into the stone, plunged my spirit into the blood and bone of it, seeking escape. It was not difficult to do. I detached from the body, and left it.
And while the spirit was housed in stone one day, men came and took up the body.
It walked with them. The flesh of the skull had healed, no longer wept blood and fluid. The scabs of the brow piercings had fallen away, so the rings shone clean and bright; the earlobes were no longer swollen. The hands still trembled, still curled themselves, still pressed themselves high against the chest, crossed as if in ward because the stumps were yet tender, but the flesh there healed as well. The body went with them out onto the spire and saw how they restrained one brother. How he fought to be free; how he cried to be released.
When all of them gathered there upon the spire beneath the vault of heaven, the brother was released. Sobbing his joy, Erastu thrust both arms up into the skies in tribute to the gods, and ran.
And leaped.
And fell.
The priest-mages of the iaka, the First House, of the Stone Forest of Meteiera on ioSkandi, sang blessings unto the gods, begging their acceptance of the newly merged spirit.
The body knelt. Was still. And the others left it there as they left the spire, went back into the dwelling still singing blessings. To gather together and worship. To conduct rites and rituals.
The body, alone atop the world, remained. And when I let the spirit flow back out of the stone and into the flesh, I knelt there alone atop the world.
For the first time I looked at my hands. They were — unbalanced. Out of true, lacking symmetry. Four fingers were three, and no counterbalance to the thumbs.
I had no sword. No broom handle. Not even a stick, here atop the spire. But I had two wrists.
I stretched out my left arm. Placed my right palm against it, from underneath. Both hands trembled; the spirit quailed from anticipated pain. But I closed the thumb and three fingers of my right hand around my wrist.
Imagining a hilt.
Imagining grip, and balance.
Imagining a sword.
Imagining a dance.
"You will forget," Sahdri said.
Startled, I stiffened. Gripped the wrist, and hissed against the pain.
"You will forget."
"I can’t."
"The beast is dead."
"No."
"The memory survives, for now. But that, too, will die."
"No."
"You have a very strong will," Sahdri said. "Stronger than I expected. To be stripped of the beast… to be stripped of the means to be the beast within the circle —"
I snapped my head around to look at him. "You’re saying I am the beast?"
"The sandtiger," he said, "And so you were, since the day you conjured and killed it. But it is dead, that beast. And the man who killed it, who became it, will forget what he was. He will be what he is."
"And what am I?"
"Mage," Sahdri answered.
"What?" I arched eyebrows; felt the alien weight of rings depending from flesh. "Not priest?"
"Not yet. But that will come."
"When I’m willing to ’merge’ as Erastu did?"
"Oh, long before. You will understand why it is necessary, and you will accept it. Willingly."
"I will, will I? Willingly?"
"Within a year."
"So certain of me, are you?"
"Certain of the magic. The madness." Sahdri’s robes whipped in the wind. "Surely you understand the need for discipline."
"Discipline!"
"The beast," Sahdri said, "learned of rules, and codes, and rituals and rites. Was circumscribed by such things, even as it was circumscribed by the circle. As it was taught by its shodo."
I stared at him as I knelt upon the stone.
"It understood that without the rules, the codes, lacking rituals and rites, it had no discipline. And without discipline, it was merely a beast. A boy." He paused. "A chula."
I flinched.
"Discipline," Sahdri said, "is necessary. Tasks, to fill the hands. Prayers, to fill the mind. Rituals and rites. All of the things we do here, how we fill our days, our nights, our minds." His eyes gazed beyond me. "To keep the madness at bay."
I sat back on my heels. "That’s why —"
"With discipline," he said before I could finish my comment, "we may last a decade. Possibly even fifteen years, as I have. But without it…" He looked once more beyond me, stared into wind and sky. "Without it, we have only power without control, without purpose, and the madness that will loose it."
"Wild magic," I murmured, thinking of seeing through flesh, through bone; of seeing the heart of the stone from the inside.
"If you let it," Sahdri said, "it will consume you. Burn you up. And in the doing, you may well harm others. Magic and madness, married, is calamity, given form. It is catastrophe. But here upon the spires, with rituals and rites, with discipline, we keep it contained. Lest there be tragedy of it."
"Erastu killed himself."
"Erastu merged with his gods."
"But died doing it."
"A man without faith may choose to believe so."
"You’re saying it would have happened anyway. Someday."
"Better it should happen here."
"But if he would have gone mad no matter where he was —"
"Here, he filled his hands with tasks. His mind with prayers, rites, rituals. He was a disciplined man — and thus he harmed no one."
"But himself."
"He went to his gods."
"And killed no one doing it."
Sahdri inclined his head.
In disbelief, incomprehension, I clung to one thing. "You let Nihko go. For me. In payment for me. You let him go."
Sahdri smiled. "Did we?"
THIRTY-SIX
Discipline. I learned the prayers. Said the prayers. Discipline. I learned the rites. Performed the rites. Discipline. I learned the rituals. Performed the rituals. Discipline.
I believed in no prayers, no rites, no rituals. I acknowledged and invoked one god. Whose name was Discipline.
When stubble bristled, they shaved it. Face and head. There were no claw marks now to make it difficult, lest the scarred flesh be cut. And when Sahdri saw I had learned the prayers, and said them; learned the rites, and performed them; learned the rituals, performed them, he had more holes pierced, more silver shaped, more rings set into my flesh. Two more for each brow. Two more for each ear.
Discipline.
I said nothing.
Did nothing.
Beyond what was expected.
And I forgot nothing. Beyond what was expected.
Magic, Sahdri said, was bred in my bones, knitted into flesh. Was as much a part of me as the heart that beat in my chest. No man, he said, considered the heart’s task until it failed; the heart simply was. And magic was the same.
I believed in none of it. I acknowledged none of it. To do so gave power to those who wished to use it. I believed in myself. And I fell asleep each night invoking no gods, only myself. The essence of who I was, and what. Sword-dancer. Sandtiger. No more. No less.
Each night.
Discipline.
No more.
No less.
I stood atop the spire. Wind blew in my face, but it moved no hair; there was no hair to move. I waited. Feeling it. Knowing it. Hearing it in the stone.
She came. She climbed over the edge of the spire, rose, and stepped into the circle. Set both swords into the center.
Pale hair glowed in the sun. Blue eyes were ruthless.
"Dance," she commanded, in a voice of winter water.
I moved then.
Ran then.
Took up the sword.
Danced —
and nearly died, when her blade sheared into ribs.
Sword Born ss-5 Page 36
