by Unce, Bo
Limbozer smiled up at his audience and waved to them. One girl shrieked and fainted when he blew her a kiss. "Now, we limbo!" Limbozer announced and dropped into an incredibly low limbo stance.
He danced up to the laser, gave me a wink, tilted his head back, and went under the billion-watt energy beam faster than I could blink.
Limbozer was so fast and skilled that he was still smiling at me when the laser promptly sliced off his right knee, face, and dick.
"What the fuck?!" I yelped as blood spattered everywhere, spewing out even before the laser could cauterize the searing wounds all over Limbozer's body. His perfectly sculpted face peeled off to flop and rest flat on the floor by itself, staring sightlessly up into the air. Now faceless, his body was thrashing and making gurgling sounds through the red ruin of his skull, his sinus cavities and optic nerves exposed. With each twitch he ended up hitting the laser and cutting off more pieces of himself.
Pieces of brain matter and bone shards impacted my suit when the laser vaporized his head, detonating the remainder of his jaw in a puff of superheated steam, separating his spinal column and sending the remnants of his scalp ricocheting around the arena.
"Limbotron: Winner." declared the machine in a monotonic voice. A spotlight turned on and lit me up.
I stood there trying to process what just happened.
"What the fuck was that?" I said. Silence stretched as the crowd stared aghast at the crimson-stained scene. The harsh brightness from the spotlight threw shadows around the arena. Pieces of flesh dripped off the walls occasionally and plopped to the floor. Limbozer's face was like a work of art, resting motionless and alone on the bloodied field of death.
Broman stifled a sob.
"BWAHAHAHAHA!" yelled Koochy. "Dat white boy got his shit FUCKED! HAHAHAHAHA! You are so BAD, ya bozo ass mutha fucka! You grape jelly lookin' ass beef jerky on da' walls lookin' ass no dick havin' sucka ass sucka! You fuckin' suck! Yo, P, see if you cain't get dat dere suit! Goan get some juice, den hook a brotha up with a body, den let's get yo' ho. Hope that ho be stayin' fly."
"Yeah, let's go," I said. I took a step and immediately slipped on the viscera covering the polished metal floor. My suited feet flew out and upwards and kicked directly into the laser beam.
"FUUUUUCK!" I screamed.
Both of my feet were instantly severed at the ankles and flopped about beside me. Blood flowed freely from a myriad vessels and veins in my leg, coating everything around me.
"P! Ay, yo, P!" came Koochy's guiding voice from the compute-pad. "Hook dis compute-pad up to dat U-ass-B-ass port on dat dere suit, quick!"
I writhed in pain and blithered something nonsensical in return.
"P, son, dat shit right on yo' right side unda' yo' stank ass arm, son," Koochy advised. "Hookanigga up!"
I found the small rectangular port about midway down the right side of my ribcage. I attempted to connect it to the compute-pad Koochy was barking at me through. It was clear I was doing something wrong as the devices wouldn't connect. I flipped the compute pad over and tried to connect again.
"Goddammit," I cursed as I failed again.
Flipping the compute-pad over for a second time, I was more forceful with the device port this time and it successfully connected with my surgipod suit.
"Ay, a'ight," Koochy applauded me. "Nice work, boy. Now, sit back, chillax and....ahhhh YEAH!"
The metal exo-suit surrounding my body took on a fluid-like quality in its lower extremities. It flushed itself downwards from my calves, enveloping my stumpy ankles and staunching my bleeding. My pain was muted by the healing capabilities of the technological wonder which was the surgipod. I watched in astonishment as the suit surged into the space where my feet should have been and reconstituted them. No, wait.
"Those aren't feet..." I mumbled as I watched a pair of hands form where feet should have been. "Koochy, what the fuck, man?"
Ridiculing laughter greeted me in return. "Ahhhhhh, P! Yo ass goan have some damn dick toes ta deal wit' now. Unnnnghh!"
"Wait, what?"
I realized, in horror, that in addition to having hands for feet, those feet-hands had enormous flaccid penises for fingers.
"Fucking A, Marcus!" I raged at him. "Are you serious right now?"
"Ay son, dey prehensile! Yo ass like a damn monkey now, son! Quitcha bitchin' and get ready ta juice dis shit up!" he explained.
With a bit of mental exertion, I realized I could indeed control the snake-like cocks end-capping my limbs. I leapt to my "feet".
"He!" Makayla's shrill voice rang out. "He is... the one, true... savior!"
I realized she was pointing to me.
"Sisters! Hear my word! Like, he is the hashtag mcm! Our fates are entwined!" she continued. "Oh... Cleveland Jesus," she said my name for the first time. "We are yours."
Uncertain how I felt about this latest development, yet certainly pleased not to be killing more of these beautiful, nubile pledges, I stroked my beard.
"P, yo ass needa get to dat damn reactor core powerin' dis here Limbotron, son! We boutta jam dat shit inna yo shit and den ahhhh yeah! Fi'in ta recova my beautiful ass, fo' rea'!" Koochy exclaimed.
"Where's the reactor core?" I had no idea how a Limbotron was architected.
"Take yo simpa ass down ta da mu'fu'in' flo' and reach 'round dat back righ' wheel, yo! Yo ass goan fixin' ta come up on some loot, ya hear' me?" he directed.
Hastily heeding his words, I leapt down from the scaffolding of the Limbotron to its base. Reaching around as Koochy had instructed, I came upon a small power cell unit underneath the foundation of the towering and deadly device. I clumsily disconnected it from the Limbotron and realized that it sported a port similar to the compute-pad I had recently connected to myself.
"Plug dis one into yo' left side," Koochy advised.
Remembering the challenge I faced connecting the compute-pad, I took extra care to ensure I had the connecting ports aligned correctly before trying to push them together. Despite my efforts, the power cell unit port would not connect with my suit's receiving port.
"Fucking shit," I cursed technology.
I flipped the power cell unit over and shoved hard. The ports connected and I heard Koochy yelp gleefully.
"Ahhhhhhhh yeah, booyyyyyy!" He exclaimed. "Shit about ta be on, son! Now, befo' I can be completin' yo' healin' you gotta get me back inta tha game wit' my body, ya' know what I'm sayin'?"
I nodded. The healing powers of the suit I was wearing felt significantly enhanced since I had paired with the power cell unit from the Limbotron. I felt disconcertingly strong. Invincible. I was also suddenly more aware of a slithering form coiled around my body, inside my surgipod. What could that be? I wondered.
"Now, get my dead ass se'f inta dat dead ass boza's suit and juice me up wit dat pcu shit, fo' rea'!" Koochy led me towards my next objective.
Using my newfound enhanced strength, I bounded back up through the lethal maze of moving limbo bars deftly. I snatched up Limbozer's armored and badly damaged corpse and leapt to the top of the Limbotron.
"Makayla!" I called down to the leader of my disciples. "Bring me the body of my dead friend, the one with the hole in his chest!"
"Yes, Lord Limboz-- Lord Cleveland Jesus!" she replied, correcting herself. "You are the true savior. Like, I totes knew that other guy wasn't the real deal-ly-yo!" Makayla paused in thought. "You're, um. You're like waaaay more dreamy and handsome than him, anyway. Right." She fidgeted with her hands. "Hey after you're done, you should totally give me my compute-pad back! And sit over there where Limbozer used to sit! It'll be just like old times, me and him, I mean, me and you! Hashtag tbt! And you'll be the boss! Just, like, sit in that chair and then plug in your suit, okay?"
What a basic bitch, I thought.
"Just, like, touch your elbows behind your back and then bring me that body, okay?" I asked again, mockingly.
She apparently didn't get it. After providing me with a nice view, Makayla snapped her fingers
and two lithe and uninjured dancers went to pick up Marcus' body. It had thawed out a bit and wasn't ice cold anymore, but it was on top of a few other girls who were still out cold from the corpsicle impact. Somehow even in rigor mortis Koochy's hands had ended up groping the unconscious cheerleaders.
"Ay yo, I cain't wait to goan get it get it wit' dese fine-ass hos," Koochy observed. "I be already gettin' it! Stay up, playa! Ain't nobody keepin' big Kooch down, yahurr?"
The girls struggled to lift Marcus' dead weight.
"Ay! Careful wit' dat!" he yelled from the compute-pad.
"Yeah, be careful!" I echoed. "Okay, what's next?" I asked him.
The girls stopped for a second. "Why are you taking orders from a compute-pad?" one of the girls asked, putting one arm akimbo on her curvaceous hip and eyeing me.
"Well, he's my friend," I answered curtly.
"You're friends with a compute-pad? Don't you have real friends?"
"No! I mean, yes! Look, Marcus is my digital personal assistant. He helps me with reminders and keeps track of my tasks!" I explained. Marcus had gotten me through so many tough times already today; he was indispensable as a DP assistant.
"Give me a break. Those things never work," she replied.
It was true that tech startups had stopped researching AI hundreds of years ago and switched to selling advertisements to each other, as that was the basic foundation of the economy of the outer colonies. But somehow Marcus had made a technology breakthrough in the process of hacking death. Was this the future of AI, perhaps? Not even Felix Navi Dod had made such progress in the field.
I shook my head to clear it and get back to the situation at hand.
"It does too work! Watch. Ahem. Marcus!" I announced. "Marcus, what's the weather today?"
"What the fuck you thank, boy?" yelled Koochy. "I ain't no sucka-ass sucka bein' all 'oh let me answer P's fuckin' dumb ass question' up in hea', nah mane I gots my own shit ta' do, fuck y'all. Paace!"
"Um," I started. I was going to ask Marcus to tell a joke but I didn't think that would work either. "Whatever, do you girls follow Cleveland Jesus or what? Kalimbo, and stuff. Get your asses moving!" I ordered, feeling more god-like as my awkward sentences went on.
"I said move your ass!" I yelled and kicked at the nearest girl. My dick-toes smacked her on the butt and she wiggled instinctively.
Finally the girls dumped Marcus' soggy corpse next to Limbozer's suit. I scooped up pieces of Limbozer and dumped them into a growing pile of goop, trying to clean out the suit so Marcus could be repaired.
"Ay, aiight, now puts me up in durr!" Koochy instructed. I stuffed his corpse into the suit sideways, pushing to make it fit. A piece fell off so I picked it up and tossed it in too. There were laser-cut holes in the knee and crotch and various places and meat started to ooze out so I squished it all in as best as I could.
"But Limbozer didn't have a lot of energy left in there, right?" I said. "He said something about it being out of battery."
"Unnngh looka you bein' all smart, son. Damn right! But dat's wha' I fuckin' said arrready! Plug dat shit into dat suit and it 'bout to be on! I be scraight hackin' soon! Well afta' we get some muffuckin bandz'll-make-her-dance bandwidth, and down-load the rest of my personality centa' on the down-low. You ain't even 'bout dat life!"
I didn't quite understand Koochy's instructions, but I got the basic gist of it. I unplugged the power cell unit from under my armpit, having to lean to one side to overcome a weird constriction around my chest, and got ready to insert it into Koochy's powered-down suit. It still didn't go in right so I flipped it over and tried again. Fuck! I should have known that would happen. I flipped it once more. Fuck! … Fuck!
"What the fuck? For real? How did I have to flip it three times to get it to go in?" I exclaimed. Out of all the things that had happened to me so far today, this really pissed me off. I kicked at the power cell, stumbled, and ended up bruising a few of my dicks for my efforts.
"FUCK!!"
Despite these problems, the power cell lit up and the damaged suit blinked a meaningless status code from a holographic display. But at least the flashing digits were green and not red or anything.
"Or Blue, even," TK interrupted my thoughts. "That's what you were thinking about, weren't you?" she berated.
"Dammit, TK, you know I wasn't thinking about her," I thought loudly. "And she's dead! In fact, the last two girls who sucked my dick are both dead!" I realized I'd given away too much information and ruined my previous evasion, then decided everything was terrible anyway.
"Preston. Chesticles. Is that a threat?" she interrogated. "And I'm surrounded by these guys, are you going to hurry up!?"
"No! Yes!" I answered. "Look, I'm behind schedule and working through my task list. I'll get to you next!"
"So I'm not your top priority?"
I ignored her, I didn't have the patience for these status reports. She'd be more reasonable in person, I figured.
"Ay, now plug me into dat suit right'chere!" Koochy said. "I'm gonna donk out dat body propa' like, fixin' ta' get my ganja tele-fuckin'-port system done up riiight!"
I did as Koochy requested, inserting the compute-pad into the suit's other port. Luckily the ports weren't damaged. The plug seated with a click.
"Oh sweet! Hey!" I beamed proudly. "I got it in on the first try!" I looked around for approval.
"What yo ass want, a damn cheevo?" Koochy berated me. "Now, looka here, dis about to be some shit to see, righ' chere, son! Just lemme get my motha fuckin' down low on, son!"
Koochy went silent for a few minutes and I reflected on the crowd of followers I had amassed. Would they allow us to leave them? Would I have to kill them all in order to see TK again?
"Awww, yeah, booyyyy!" I heard Koochy's voice echo from the compute-pad. "Big Kooch back up in dis shit, fo' rea'!"
Koochy's cadaver still looked quite dead, his jaw broken and lying dully open. However, his suit began to move. He looked like some kind of zombie as he began to take his first awkward steps around me. Quickly, his confidence grew, as did his dexterity, and soon he was cavorting about, throwing gang signs gleefully. Well, his face didn't look very gleeful being dead and all, but his body sang like a high school thespian as he pranced and boasted.
"Fuck yeah, look at me, P! Look! At! Muh!" he strutted.
"Can we get out of here now?" I was a little revolted at the sight of the undead Marcus. To make it even more creepy, his suit moved exactly in the style I recalled Marcus' living body moving. The resemblance was uncanny.
"Hell yeah, son. We best get tha fuck out!" Koochy stopped moving and appeared to be looking for an exit.
"How can you see anything?" I inquired, curiously.
"Dis busted ass compute-pad got a camera on it. But look, fo' rea', we gotta get to some damn fo' rea' bandwidth and some mufu'n' nuclea' powa if dis hea' body goan be up in dem guts again, ya hear' muh?" he explained.
"There's a huge door over there. See it?" I gestured toward where we had limboed in.
"Sheit," Koochy cursed from the compute-pad. "This shit a piece of shit, cuz! Cain't see a damn thang. Fuck's tha rezzy on dis bitch anyhow, 4k? Get tha fuck out! P, yo ass goan have ta lead me dere."
I realized Koochy's field of view was very narrow. In jest, I moved just out of his vision and extended one of my feet to nudge him on the arm.
"Here, take my hand and I'll get us over to the door," I offered him my foot, grinning.
"Ay, P, thanks, dog. You my numma one stunna fo' rea', bloo-" he stopped as he grasped my foot. "Fuck, P! Tha fuck is dis, some kinda baga dicks? Why you goan hand me some buncha dicks?" he demanded, recoiling.
I backed up, laughing. "Marcus, you just got... dickfooted!"
"Man, fuck you, P! Yo ass ain't cleva. Yo ass ain't thankin' 'bout sheit!" he scowled.
"More like, thinking about dickfooting you again," I chuckled.
"Mane, stop sayin' dat. Dat shit stupid."
Grasping his hand with my real ha
nd this time, we sprinted together towards the great iron gate.
"Cleveland Jesus!" Makayla cried out to our backs as we fled. "My lord, where are you going?"
We reached the heavy gate and I exclaimed desperately, "I...I didn't see any way to open it. Last time I was here, I mean."
"We jes goan have ta man up an' lift dis shit," Koochy explained. "I done tweaked deese suits so dey all scrong and shit. It ain't goan be easy but we can lift dis shit fo' true."
He leaned over, bent down and dug his fingers into the base of the door.
"Mane, get yo ass on dis shit! I cain't lift dis bitch by my damn se'f!" Koochy barked and I obliged.
Together, we began to lift the immense barrier. I couldn't believe it. It was the heaviest thing I had ever moved. Inch by inch, we managed to pull the gate a good three feet off of the ground.
"Now, quick, we gotta swing under one at a time, P!" Koochy told me.
I opened my mouth to answer him, but became distracted by the sound of a horde of my followers approaching.
"Hurry, hurry!" I shouted.
"A'ight, den! Don't let dis shit crush my ass, P!" Koochy pleaded and then, with great exertion, managed to swing himself under the enormous door and outside. "Hoooo shit! I made it! Damn, P! Break yo se'f! Get out here!"
I was worried I wouldn't be able to hold up my share of the weight of the door while ducking under to join Koochy outside on the tundra.
"My lord," Makayla approached me. "Why do you struggle so? Like, what are you doing? Looks supes hard."
"I command you to open this door!" my voice trembled as I bellowed my holy writ.
Makayla's face faltered and turned white.
"Of...of course, my Lord!" she made a motion with her hands and two dozen girls rushed forward. Once they put their shoulders to the metal door, it was easily lifted well above my toddler head.
I stood for a moment, bewildered, staring at Makayla who looked like someone had just killed her favorite pet.
"Ay, P, a'ight den, you done a'ight, son," Koochy complimented me.
"Makayla, I command you... all of you, to stay here and await my return. The day will come on which I will call upon you. Wait for me here. Do not follow us," I tried.
