by Ni-Ni Simone
“Bubble Butt, you’re not gon’ say nothin’? Oh man, what’s wrong?” He ran up and hugged me from behind. “Come sit down and talk to me.”
I looked at him, gritted my teeth, and said, “Move! Get yo’ stinkin’ self away from me and go put on some deodorant.”
“Maaaaa!” he cried, running toward my mother who’d just come in the house from work. “Did you tell them I was stinking the other day?”
“What are you talking about, Man-Man?” my mother snapped. “Why would I tell somebody that?”
“Then why she say to put on some deodorant? I take the best wash-up I can in the morning,” he cried.
I turned to him and said, “And that’s why you stink!”
As soon as I arrived at the bus stop, the bus had just pulled up and was loading with passengers. After I paid my fare, I would’ve usually gone straight to the back, but today I took the first seat I found.
I really couldn’t believe this was happening to me. My relationship with Josiah had gone by so fast and the hurt that I thought I could cry away still stung in my chest like lightning. The invisible fist in my throat pressed against my tonsils like a migraine and for a moment I wondered if I would ever recuperate.
I pressed the buzzer so I could get off at my stop and as the doors opened, Josiah was sitting on the hood of his parked car. I rolled my eyes up to the sky.
“Come ’mere,” he said as I attempted to pass by. There was no way I could let him know he’d hurt my feelings. He pulled slightly on my arm. “Where you going?”
I put up a little resistance but not much.
“What?” I wiggled my neck and sucked my teeth as he pulled me close. “I thought you were hollerin’.”
“And I did.” He held me around the waist. “How long did you think I was gon’ stay away? A night was enough for you to get the point.”
“So what, I was on punishment?”
“Yep, but I ended up punishing myself because I picked up the phone like a hundred times to call you. You missed me?”
“Uhmm hmmm.” I sucked my teeth. I was doing my all not to laugh, but he looked so cute, dressed in his red North Face bubble jacket, red baseball cap, black jeans, and matching Tims.
“You know you wanna smile.”
I could tell my dimples gave it away, so I turned my face.
“Don’t lie to me no more. I hate lies. The last time my brother lied and said he was only going to the store, he never came back.”
“I’ma always come back.”
“You better.” He reached in his pocket and took out a gold box with a white bow on top.
I reached for the box.
“Naw.” He waved the box in front of me. “These for wifey.”
“So I ain’t wifey no more?”
“I don’t know, you tell me.” He handed me the box and when I took off the top, there were two heart-shaped bamboo earrings with “Wifey” written in big script letters in the center of each of them. I held the box to my chest with my arms crossed and before I could get a hold of myself, I was hugging the box as if it were a long lost cousin.
“Can I get some of that?” Josiah asked.
“Ohhhhh.” I opened my arms and he moved into my embrace.
“You still wifey?” he asked as I held him tight.
“Yes,” I said as we began kissing. “I ain’t gon’ never stop being wifey.”
14
Girl it would be fly
If you were my
B.U.D.D.Y... .
—MUSIQ SOULCHILD, “B.U.D.D.Y.”
Okay, so ... my body was all prepared to give away my virginity but my mind was scared. Although Josiah hadn’t come right out and asked for some, I could tell by the comments he’d been making when I would go over to his house or he would see me in the school’s hallway and we would sneak a midmorning kiss, that he wanted us to smash. I could almost see myself doing it, but just when I wanted to take his hand and lead him home, I would always punk out.
“Can I ask you something, Toi?” I said as we lay in our beds in the dark. It was about twelve-thirty at night and for the first time in a long time my sister wasn’t crying herself to sleep.
“What you wanna ask me?”
“How was it the first time?”
“How was what the first time?” She turned over to look at me. The street lights that snuck in through our mini-blinds made stripes across her pregnant body and shadowed onto the floor.
“You know ...”
“No, I don’t.”
I took a deep breath. “The first time you—you had sex—how was it?”
“You’re not thinking about sleeping with Josiah, are you?”
“Well ... yes. Yeah ... I am.”
“Why?” she asked as if she were surprised. “Why would you do that?”
“Because I care about him. And he wants to.”
“And you want to?”
“Maybe.”
“I hope you don’t think having sex with him is going to make him stick around, do you?”
“No—yes—no—I don’t know.”
“Well, do you, ’cause I gave it up and I’m sitting here alone, so if I were you, I’d cancel that thought.”
“I love Josiah.”
“Whatever, you’ll see.”
“But I really do love him.”
“Then get you some birth control.”
“No, and no thank you.”
“And you call me stupid. Alright, so ... are you ready to be a mother, then?”
“Girl, please.”
“Well, you must wanna be pregnant, because you talking about sex and no birth control.”
“I know my cycle, thank you. And there’s such a thing called the rhythm method, or he could pull out.”
“Uhmmm.” She twisted her lips. “You know what they call people that do that?”
“What?”
She pointed to her stomach. “Parents. Just skip the heartache and buy you some Trojans.”
I couldn’t get over the way Toi was talking to me. “Don’t look at me crazy,” she said. “This real talk. Let me ask you this—is he HIV-positive or does he have any other disease?”
“What kinda ... question is that?!” I was convinced she’d lost her mind. “Never mind, Toi.”
“What you mean, never mind? You asked me. Sex is not a game.” She pointed to her stomach. “Obviously.”
“You’ve had sex and you don’t have HIV or any other STD.”
“You don’t know that. You can’t tell that by looking at me, the same way you can’t tell that by looking at him.”
“So what, you a magazine ad now?”
“No, I’m your sister. Hell, Qua could’ve had an STD, but I was so caught up that I didn’t even think about it. I just assumed because I loved him he was automatically disease-free.”
“So when did you think differently?”
“When my OB/GYN tested for all these STDs and I was worried for days.”
“But you don’t have anything. Do you?”
“No, I don’t. Thank God. But suppose I did? Then what? It would be too late, which is why I’m saying this to you now. Don’t make a life-altering decision just because you feeling a dude.”
“That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think?”
“No, I think being pregnant at sixteen is dramatic. I think making the right decision is being smart. Look at me and learn.” She rubbed her pregnant belly. “I’m what happens when you don’t listen.”
Before I could respond, there was a knock on our bedroom door. “Seven,” my mother called. “Toi?”
“Yes,” we both said.
“Ma,” I asked, “you just getting off work?”
“Not really. I was standing at your door for a minute.”
Oh, God, I figured she must’ve been in here to go off. “So what you think, Ma? What do you have to say because I know you listened to our conversation.”
“Some of it. I caught the tail end mostly.”
“S
o what you think?”
“I think your sister told you the right thing. And I think I better stop working so much before I miss how I’ve raised two beautiful young ladies. Now come give your mother a hug.”
We got up and each gave her a hug so tight that we fell onto my bed. “We gon’ get through this.” My mother kissed Toi on the forehead. “And you,” she said to me, “you listen to what your sister said.”
“Maaaa ...”
“Seven, I’ma hold off on judgment. But I’m warning you, don’t try me.”
15
Stop ... Go ...
So confusing that I don’t know why I wanna ask why...
—FAITH EVANS, “STOP N GO”
“Now you know,” Josiah said to me, “that you ain’t got all that delicious junk in yo’ trunk by ordering no garden salad ...” He turned to the waitress. “Give her a steak.” Was that a compliment?
We were at Applebee’s on Rt. 22 eating dinner. It was Valentine’s Day and we were celebrating. We’d just come back from the movies and neither one of us were ready to go home. “I know you didn’t just try and call me fat?”
“Huh?” He arched one eyebrow higher than the other. “Who you talkin’ to? Who called you fat, so I can handle that.” He looked around the restaurant.
“I’m talking to you.”
“Nah, ma, you couldn’t be talking to me, because I don’t date fat chicks. Now if you thick, we can kick it.”
“Okay, Josiah, whatever.”
“Real talk, keep it funky, why you buggin’?”
“Buggin’ about what?”
“This imaginary weight thing. Where did that come from?”
I hunched my shoulders.
“For real, ma, chill out wit’ that. ’Cause as I see it, weight is not an issue. From where I’m sittin’ you bangin’, which is why I hurried up and wifed you.”
This was the first time in my life that words had meant so much to me. I tried to show appreciation with my eyes. “That was sooooo sweet.”
“You know how I do it.”
“Whatever,” I said as I stood up from my seat. We were in a booth and I was directly across from him.
“Where you going?” he asked.
“Next to you.” I slid next to him.
“For what? What you want?” he asked suspiciously.
“I wanna kiss.”
“What you wanna kiss me for?” He pressed his lips against mine.
We kissed for a few seconds before the waitress came over. I could hear her clearing her throat as she sat our plates in front of us.
I picked up a French fry from my plate and stuck it in his mouth. My finger felt warm sliding off his tongue. “Why you feeding me, ma?” he asked.
“ ’Cause you so cute.”
“True.” He smiled. “If I’ma be your man, I gotta be fly.”
I stared at him for a few minutes. There’s no way this was real.
“What?” he asked. “What you thinking about?”
“How I’ma be when you leave me.”
I could tell he was taken aback. “Where I’m goin’, ma?”
“I don’t know, somewhere—anywhere—if my daddy could leave me and Mother, move to California, and have a whole ’nother family, then anything is possible.”
“Well, I’m not your father. I’m your man and I ain’t leaving you.”
“Promise?”
“Cross my heart and hope to die.”
“You so corny,” I said as I continued to feed him, “real—real corny.”
“And you love it.”
“Every bit of it.”
16
I only got four minutes ...
—AVANT
Shae and I were on our way to the movies when we ran into Dollah and a few of his boys on the corner of Bergen Street.
“What, you gon’ act like you don’t see me, Seven?” he asked as I tried to hurry by.
“No”—I threw over my shoulder—“I’m not gon’ act like I don’t see you, I’ma act like I don’t hear you.” And Shae and I proceeded to cross the street.
Before we could make it through the crosswalk, Dollah was on my heels. “What do you want?” I asked him as we stood on the corner.
“And make it quick,” Shae snapped. “We don’t need no problems.” She pointed to Deeyah, Ki-Ki, and Yaanah who were walking up the street.
“Yo, I just wanted to know if you were going to the Seniors’ dance.”
“I’m not goin’ with you. Why don’t you ask Deeyah, ain’t that who you kickin’ it to?”
“Naw, she just a lil’ somethin’ to do. But you a good girl, Seven, and I’m tryna see you.”
“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” Deeyah walked up behind me. I almost forgot she was coming up the street.
“Don’t you have your own business to mind?”
“I would mind it if I could keep you out of it. Seems like all the men I get you trying to pick up.”
“Well, you should stop losing ’em.”
“Go ’head, Deeyah,” Shae warned, “ ’cause you know I don’t talk first.”
“Whoool, I’m scared.”
“Yo, listen,” Dollah said, “hollah at me when you get a minute.” And he walked away.
“Hey, Shae. Hey, Seven,” Ki-Ki and Yaanah said.
“You hear that?” Shae asked.
“No.” I blinked my eyes. “I didn’t.”
“I didn’t think so.” And we walked on to the movies.
“You better call Dollah when you get home and check that fool. You know everybody know Josiah, and somebody is bound to tell ’em.”
“Yeah, that hatin’-behind Deeyah.”
“Exactly, ’cause she want him back anyway. So you better tell ole boy to cool out.”
“Yeah, you right.” But before I could go on, my cell phone rang. It was Josiah. “Oh, my God”—I turned to Shae—“it’s him. Dang, she couldn’t wait to call him. What I’m ’spose to do? What I’m ’spose to say?”
“Nothing. Like Ciara said, ‘Act like a boy.’ Don’t say a thing. If he doesn’t mention it, then you don’t either.”
“And if he does?”
“Get amnesia. Act like you don’t know what he talking about.”
“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “Hey, Boo-Boo,” I answered.
“Can you come through?”
Oh, God, I think he knows. “When you want me”—I paused—“to come?”
“Now.”
“Josiah ...” I sighed.
“I mean it’s cool if you can’t come through,” he said. “If you doing something more important than being with me.”
“No ... it’s that me and Shae were ...”
“I said it’s cool, Seven.”
“Give me an hour, I’ll be there.” And I hung up. I just knew Shae was gon’ be ticked off.
“Shae”—I paused—“Josiah wants to see me now.”
“You serious?” she asked. “You know Deeyah called him, right. Probably as soon as she turned the corner good she was in his ear.”
“You not mad? What about the movies?”
“No, girl, I ain’t mad. I wanted to see my boo anyway. I miss me some Big Country.”
I got to Josiah’s house in less than an hour after he called. When I rang the bell, his mother opened the door for me. She looked to be on her way out. “Hey, Sweetie.”
“Hi, Ms. Whitaker.”
“Josiah’s in the dining room at the bar,” she said. “I tried to tell him it’s not the end of the world, but he’s just like his father was, doesn’t wanna hear a thing. Anyway, I’m going, sweetie.”
“Ms. Whitaker, what’s wrong with Josiah?”
“I thought you knew ... well, let him tell you.” She waved bye and closed the door behind her.
When I walked into the dining room, it was mostly dark, except for the light sneaking in from the slits in the mini-blinds. The CD player was on and Ne-Yo’s “When You’re Mad” floated throughout the room. I sat my bag a
nd coat down in one of the dining room chairs, walked over to Josiah, and stood between his legs. He slid his hands into my back pockets and I placed my arms around his neck. “What’s wrong?”
He shook his head.
“What? Tell me.” My heart was thundering in my chest. I just knew the first word out his mouth would be about Dollah.
“I didn’t get the scholarship.” He twisted his lips.
“To where?” I looked at him as if I were trying to read his face.
“Syracuse.”
“What happened? I thought you had it in the bag. Didn’t your science grade come up? What?”
“I got a D on my report.”
“D? But we outlined everything. I told you exactly what to do.”
“Yeah, but I put the report together at the last minute and it wasn’t as tight as it should’ve been. I wasn’t even trippin’ off it, I just figured I would get it. I never thought they would actually deny me.”
“Oh ...” I didn’t mean to sound so delighted but at least Deeyah hadn’t screamed on me. “Well, sweetie”—I wanted to make him feel better—“you have other colleges, right? What about Grambling? Seton Hall? Rutgers?”
“You don’t understand. I wanted this. I wanted this bad.”
“Well ...”
“Well what?” he snapped. “I should’ve spent more time doing the report?!”
“Well, yeah ... you should’ve.”
He sucked his teeth. “I can’t believe this.” I felt like if I wasn’t there he would’ve cried.
“It’s alright, baby.” I crossed my arms around the back of his neck and he began kissing me.
“You don’t understand, Seven,” he spoke while pulling me onto his lap. “I need you.”
I knew his hands were roaming my body a little too freely, but I didn’t exactly know how to say stop ... and I didn’t exactly know if I wanted him to stop, so for a moment I went with the flow. But just as I started to lose myself in how good it all felt, something screamed in my head that this was wrong ... and all I could see was Toi saying that this is what happens when you don’t listen. I felt him unbuttoning my shirt ... and all I could think about was if I’d gone too far to tell him to stop.
