Her hand grabbed my arm at the elbow. I turned to face her, feeling disturbed and unwilling to explain my reasoning any further. “Where are you goin’ to go?”
Our eyes met and I could see concern in hers. “Bells, no matter where I go you’ll always be welcome. I ain’t goin’ far. I just want more for my life. I’m tired of bein’ told what to do. Maybe I want to build houses, or work in an office.”
“You’re bein’ ridiculous, you know you don’t want that.” She was right. Those jobs sounded horrible.
“Maybe I do. Has anyone ever asked me? No! They haven’t. This family is so fuckin’ one-sided. I ain’t doin’ this same old shit anymore.” I took off my baseball cap and wiped the sweat off my forehead. “I ain’t yellin’ at you, Bells.”
“I know.” Her arms wrapped around me and she let her head fall on my chest. “I’m sorry about earlier though. I guess I’ve got my own problems too. Ever since college ended all I hear about is what I’m goin’ to do next.”
“I’d still like the damn opportunity to be able to have a choice. Do you know how hard it is to wake up every day and know that someone has your future planned out for you? I’m sick of it. This shouldn’t be up to my dad or even my grandmother. My dad thinks that since he was cool about runnin’ the ranch, I will be too. That’s bullshit. I’m not him.” As the words escaped my lips I realized that I’d raised my voice.
Bells stared at me with wide eyes. “As pissed as we both know he’s goin’ to be, you can’t NOT say anything, Noah.”
“Yeah, well, I was tryin’ to find the right time to do it.”
She let out a sigh. “There’s probably not goin’ to be a good time to talk to him. I know you’re pissed, but you takin’ over the ranch means everything to your dad. He’s not going to be calm and collected.”
There had been plenty of times where I wanted to bring it up. He had to know I was miserable. I hadn’t kept it a secret. “Yeah, I’m aware of that. It ain’t like there’s ever goin’ to be a good time.”
“Noah, please don’t get mad at me for askin, but are you sure this ain’t just you rebellin’? I mean, are you goin’ to turn around and realize that this is where you belong, after it’s too late?”
“Bells, trust me. I know what I’m doin’.”
The words were said with confidence as they left my lips, but somewhere inside of me my heart was telling me something completely different. I’d fought with myself over them each and every night. I wasn’t exactly sure why, because I knew I wasn’t happy. It was just there, buried deep inside where nobody else would ever know.
Bells and I enjoyed the sun setting and the sounds of nature all around us. We’d talked about many things, but finally she asked something that I wasn’t sure I had an answer for. I guess I just hadn’t thought that far ahead to even consider it.
“Noah, what are you goin’ to do if your dad tells you that you have to leave? I know he’s your family, but we both get how strict he is. Have you considered that he’s goin’ to be so pissed that he tells you to leave the ranch?”
“I don’t think my mom would let that happen, Bells. If anyone can calm down my dad it’s her.”
“Just promise me one thing.” She looked right at me, as if her question was extremely important. “Promise me that if things get heated you’ll walk away and cool down. I don’t want to see what happened last time. This weekend is goin’ to be so special for your parents. I know you. When you get a plan churning in that head of yours, you take matters into your own hands. I know you’re not goin’ to wait until after everyone leaves. You rollin’ around in the dirt with Jake wasn’t cool. You could have avoided it.”
It annoyed me that she’d said that about me. If I’d ever been anything in my life it was devoted. “You have a good point, and I will respect it, this time. I won’t ruin their party. Contrary to what y’all might think, I do love my parents. It ain’t like I look for reasons to sabotage their happiness.”
She laughed. “You took that the wrong way, cuz.”
I nudged her, knocking her down in the grass. “Well then learn how to say it right, dammit. I don’t have time to decipher your English.”
With just a crack of sunlight left to see with, we gathered the horses and rode back to the barn. I noticed my little sister, Addy, and my cousins, Josh, and Callie standing behind one of the out buildings. At first glance they weren’t doing anything wrong. They were all close enough in age where it wasn’t like one was leading the other.
Bells put her hand up for me to stop walking toward them. “Did you see that?” She backed us up behind a large John Deere tractor that was sitting perfectly between the barn and other building. “I saw smoke.”
I started to move and she grabbed a hold of my arm. “Wait! Do you remember us smoking for the first time, on this very ranch?”
“That’s different.”
She pulled me back again. “How so? We were younger then they are, Noah. Stop actin’ all big and bad.”
That instance the hint of marijuana filled my nostrils. “Son of a bitch!” I easily pulled out of my cousin’s hold and headed in their direction. Though still far enough away, I could see my cousin, Josh dropping the joint on the ground and standing on it, hiding the evidence. He was the youngest out of all of the kids, so he definitely had no business sneaking around.
Their faces were priceless, all looking as if they were going to go to jail. Footsteps tromping behind me let me know that Bells was high on my tail. “What are you three doin’?”
Josh put his head down. My sister Addy spoke up, taking the lead like she always did. “We were hangin’ out. What’s it to you, Noah?” For a teenager, I had to give her points for having lady balls. That kid would stand up to anyone.
I pointed at her face. “Do you have any idea what dad would do if he caught you out here smokin’ pot?”
She motioned for me to walk back the way we came from. “Mind your own business, Noah. You ain’t dad.”
In that moment I felt overcome by anger. I grabbed a chunk of her hair and yanked her away from everyone else. “I may not be your father, but I’m as close to it as you can get. Get your ass back to the house before I tell everyone what you three are back here doin’.”
She pulled away from me, getting up in my face the best she could being a foot shorter. “You’ve got no proof, and besides, you wouldn’t dare be a dick like that.”
I leaned forward, almost touching her face with mine. “Little girl, don’t you dare lie to me. I’m goin’ to give you one more chance to walk away, or I’m goin’ to kick your little ass myself.”
My sister punched me in the gut, then huffed and puffed toward the house. Her fist had done nothing but knock the wind briefly out of me. “You better not let me catch you again, Addy.”
She turned with her hand on her hip. “Or what? You goin’ to tell on me? I’m so scared,” She said as she rolled her eyes.
“What is wrong with you? Are you still pissed about the party I wouldn’t let you have?”
“You’re the lamest brother on the planet. Get out of my face, Noah.” She motioned for me to walk away. “Seriously, give me a freakin’ break.”
I watched her walk up the porch steps and go into the house. I wasn’t a dick. Telling my parents wasn’t something I’d do, not unless I had to.
While I’d been privately dealing with my sister, Bells was handling our other cousins. She came back to join me once they’d all left. Afterwards she picked up the joint, brushed it off and smiled, I knew exactly what she was planning on doing.
She lifted it up to her lips and lit it with a lighter. “Where’d you get that?”
“I took it from them. If they don’t have a lighter they can’t smoke.”
She handed me the joint and let the smoke out of her mouth. “You’re evil.”
I’d always been anti drugs, but marijuana wasn’t exactly considered a drug, per se. Plus, I needed something to take the edge off of my stress. I took a hit and
passed it back.
“Stop lookin’ around. We’re adults, Noah. We can do what we want.”
I started laughing loudly and coughing at the same time. “No, we really can’t.”
She hunched over, giggling even harder. We both knew we weren’t stoned yet, so this was just us blowing off steam, getting silly because we were both so annoyed with our lives. Suddenly, she stood up and looked at me. “Do you really want me to move in with you?”
I sighed and closed my eyes for a second, wondering what it would be like to live with a woman. I’d wondered about having a live-in girlfriend and never wanted it, but this was different. Bells was my family and I knew that out of anyone in the universe I’d want it to be her. Besides, she’d be cool if I didn’t come home, or even if I brought someone home with me. Sure, she’d be opinionated, and probably never like a single female that walked through the door, but that was what she did anyway. “Yeah, it would be cool.”
“What the fuck are you two doing?” I recognized both the look of horror on Bells face and the sound of her father’s voice. She handed me the joint inconspicuously, but it was obvious what we’d been doing.
“Hey, Dad. When’d you get here?”
My uncle Ty began to laugh. “I came out to bust Josh and his sister, and I find you two instead. We could smell that shit from the front porch. Noah, what the fuck did I tell you about pressuring my little girl into drugs and other illegal activities?”
I looked at Bells and she smiled. “Sorry. We were just reminscin’ that’s all. Come on, Dad, I know all about your party days. You probably still do it with uncle Conner.”
Uncle Ty was a crazy man. Growing up he’d taught me how to be funny, mischievous, and also that no matter what I did, there’d be a time to grow up and be responsible. “Back in the day I did a lot of things. If your mother caught me out here smoking dope with our daughter she’d cut my balls off and grill them as an appetizer. Put that shit away. There’s kids here that look up to you. You know better.”
Maybe we should have told him that we’d gotten it from the kids, but it seemed stupid to get them in trouble when we were adults.
“Dad, wait up!” Bells went running over toward him. “Don’t be mad at me. It was just for fun. Neither of us do it everyday.”
I smiled, watching Bells kiss up to her father. Aside from me, he was who she’d always turned to. Their relationship had begun on the day she was born. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t her biological father. She’d never have another dad, or want one.
I watched her kiss him on the cheek and walk back toward me. “We need to go to the main house and help out. I covered for our asshole cousins this time.”
“I was thinkin’ he was going to bend you over his knee and whip your ass.”
She rolled her eyes and giggled. “Fat chance. He’s never beat me before. I’m his princess.”
I put my arm around her. “You really take advantage of that, Bells. It’s kind of pathetic.”
“Hater!”
“He won’t be walkin’ away smilin’ when you tell him you’re movin’ to Kentucky.”
She stopped walking and looked down at the ground. Instantly her mood had changed. “I know.”
“We should tell them our plans together. I know you’re goin’ to say it’s a bad idea, but I think if we’re all together as a family it would be safer, for at least a little while.”
“Hell no! I’m not makin’ a family announcement like that. You’re crazy.”
“Fine, I’ll tell them first and then I’ll add your news.”
“Don’t!”
“We’ll be fine. Trust me.”
I could tell from the look on her face that trusting me was going to be impossible. Maybe it was the marijuana making me feel brave, or maybe it was just having her by my side to do it. Whatever it was, I was determined that I wasn’t going to keep her promise and wait until the party was over. My dad needed to know that I wanted something more with my life. He needed to understand that I was serious this time. I wasn’t going to live this way anymore.
Noah
Chaos.
That’s what happened when the family got everyone together in one place. Although the kids were now at least teens, it was still loud and unpredictable. While everyone waited for my mom and dad to show up at my grandmother’s house, I silently thought about how I was going to approach my dad. This was a long time coming and I was positive that if I did it while everyone was around, I’d at least have a few people on my side, supporting my decision.
Bells was going to be pissed.
The room became silent when my aunt Amy announced that they’d pulled up. Everyone hid in the kitchen and waited for them to appear. Slowly but surely, they walked in, talking to each other the whole time, having no clue that this was actually a surprise for them. Since their anniversary wasn’t anywhere near this particular date, they had no inkling.
My dad approached me first. He put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me in for a hug. “This was real nice, Noah. I know you had to help with it.”
I nodded as he pulled away. “It was nothin’. I just did what everyone told me.”
“Well I appreciate it and everything you do, for that matter.” Great, he was making me feel guilty already.
I clenched my jaw and said nothing as he walked away. Of all the times for him to thank me it had to be when I was preparing to tell him that I didn’t want this life anymore. I just couldn’t bring myself to understand why I was feeling so guilty.
It took a while for my mother to make her way over to where I was standing. She’d been thanking everyone and chatting, while making eye contact with me the whole time. It was weird of her to be so attentive toward me, especially since the whole family was around.
Don’t get me wrong, she was a great mother, the best I could have ever asked for. I knew she didn’t give birth to me, but that meant nothing, not after everything we’d been through.
After the accident and hospital stay, which I don’t really remember, the police took me to this building where a woman from Social Services came and sat with me. I was scared and cried for my birth mother, Krista, over and over again. I was almost four and didn’t understand that my birth mother wasn’t coming back. I was too young to perceive the concept of death.
All they could tell me was that my mother was in a better place.
There were days when I wished that I couldn’t remember; times in my life that I wished I’d forgotten forever. That was definitely one of those times.
I owed Savanna my life, and although I was very young, I remember the day that I met her for the first time, when Social Services brought me to the door of my dad’s house. It wasn’t his fault that he never knew about me, and I’m sure the adjustment was hard on both of them, my mom especially. She’d been through a terrible ordeal after being abducted, and losing a baby. Yet she still welcomed me with open arms. When I was younger she used to tell me I saved her too. I’ll never forget that, or her smile on that first day.
Even though most of it was a blur, meeting my dad and his wife were vivid. I remembered the way her eyes narrowed in on me when I came into her view. I could still recall the way she bent down to be on my level and spoke to me with her angelic voice, giving me so much hope when I felt completely alone and afraid.
We’d had our share of disagreements, but at the end of the day I knew she was meant to raise me and be my mother. It was hard to explain, maybe because I’d been so young. I didn’t have memories of my birth mother, so I had nothing to compare Savanna to. All I knew was that she’d been there for me, and I loved her more than I would ever be able to express. I was blood to her, the same as both of my sisters. She never treated me like I didn’t belong to her.
Her arms wrapped around me and her words vibrated against my cheek. “I can’t believe you kept this from us.”
I pulled away and smiled. “You made it hard at times, Mom.”
“I had no idea. This was a complete surpr
ise.” We both looked around the room at how many of their friends and family had shown up to celebrate their big milestone. “It still feels like I just met your father. I can’t believe it’s been twenty years.” She looked directly at me. “It’s still hard to accept that you’re a grown man. I still remember when you were that little boy with his father’s eyes.”
“I was just thinkin’ about that, and about the impact that you’ve had on my life.” For some reason just standing there with my mother reminiscing was getting to me. “I’m real glad I’ve got you in my life, Mom. Thanks for puttin’ up with Dad for so long.”
We both laughed.
“He’s not hard to deal with.” I looked over at her wondering why she’d take up for him. Then I noticed her winking and giggle. “Okay, maybe he has his moments. He’s still a good man, though. I wouldn’t trade a single day with him, or with you for that matter. We are so blessed. I know you don’t always see eye to eye, but your dad loves you, Noah. He loves all of you kids.”
I looked over at my father, who was laughing about something with my two uncles, Ty and Conner. He’d always lightened up when they were together it seemed. It also could have been that he just wasn’t on my back about things while they were around.
I turned to give my attention to my mother, who was watching my aunt Miranda approach. She wrapped her arms around me and I leaned down to let her kiss me on the cheek. “I thought boys were supposed to stop growin’ once they reached eighteen.”
Her comment was overused, but I still managed to smile and act like it was some kind of compliment, for my mother’s sake. “It must be from all Mom’s cookin’.”
I caught her smile and winked back at my mother. “If you ladies will excuse me, I need to go talk to Bells.”
I found my cousin sitting on the couch looking down at her phone. She was texting that asshole again, I just knew it. “We’re supposed to be havin’ a good time.”
She looked over at me. “If I’m really goin’ to consider movin’ in here, I need to tell him. He deserves to know that I’m done with him.”
Noah Page 4
