My mom sat there, I guess trying to figure out what to say to me. She rattled her nails on the tabletop. “I wish she knew you the way that I do. She’d know that one man’s mistake doesn’t represent who he’s going to become. We live and learn, Noah. I can see that you’re sorry for what you did, and it’s a shame that Shalan had to catch her boyfriend like that. I’ve been in her situation and know what that feels like. It takes a long time to get over that.”
“Like I said, it’s over with. She’s done, and I’m in no position to change her mind.”
My mother meant well, but talking about it was only making me more upset. I needed to be alone, so I could figure out the best way to get her out of my head. With the exception of her last trip we’d been talking every day, sometimes more than once. She’d become part of my normal routine, and it was going to be hard to get through the day without worrying about her, or wondering what she was doing. I was going to miss her sweet voice like crazy, and even the way she could say something so mundane and have me begging for more.
“Sometimes when you love something you have to let it go.”
“That’s a dumb sayin’ someone made up to make a person feel better.”
“No. It’s the truth. If Shalan didn’t care deeply for you, she wouldn’t have left so upset. She’s hurt and she needs time to heal. Just let her know that you’re not going anywhere.”
“Mom, I appreciate this talk, but I’m not givin’ up my man-card anymore than I already have today. I’m not goin’ to beg her. It ain’t happenin’.”
She raised her brow. “Just like your father.”
“Whatever. I am who I am.”
She stood up and looked down at me. “Noah, sometimes it takes a man’s sensitivity to win back the woman he loves. The sooner you accept that, the better your life will be. I’ve never felt more in love with your father then the few times I’ve seen him cry. I know you say she’s moving on, but you’ve got this small window to make things right. Don’t wait until it’s too late for that.” She started to walk toward the door. “Oh, and about leaving the farm…It will be here when you get back, whenever that may be.”
She winked and left me sitting in the kitchen alone as she exited.
I just sat there for a while, thinking about the situation. Shalan didn’t trust me, and that hurt, but her writing me off was inconceivably hard. Even if she didn’t want to be with me, I at least needed her to know how I felt. She needed to know that I’d do anything to make it up to her.
An hour later, after a long shower to try to make myself feel better, I tried to call her. When she didn’t answer I just hung up, knowing a voicemail wasn’t going to help my case.
I sent her a message instead; one she could read whenever she was ready.
I’m already a mess without you, Shalan. Please call me so we can work this out. What happened was a terrible mistake. I’d never do that to you. - Noah
Two days went by before she responded.
How do you know that you’d never do that to me? I can’t trust you, and I feel like I don’t even know you. It’s best if we stop talking. It was fun, but I’ve got to focus on my career now. - Shalan
They weren’t the words that I wanted to hear. She was definitely done with me, and I hated knowing it. All of my feelings were a jumbled up mess. I wasn’t sleeping, and even my mother’s food couldn’t make me want to eat. This woman had me messed up in ways I never thought possible.
I knew it was going to be a mistake, but after waiting a whole day to respond, I sent her one last message figuring she wouldn’t reply.
I wish you the best with your career. I know you’ll be a star. You deserve happiness, and I hope you find it. I can’t wait to hear that beautiful voice on the radio. It’s going to happen for you. – Noah
Immediately she responded back.
Thank you. I’ll never forget how I got here, even if it didn’t go the way I wanted it to. I’m glad I met you, Noah Mitchell. Take care of yourself. - Shalan
I traced her words on my phone, knowing this was her final goodbye. It got me so upset that I had to go duck into a pole building to calm down. I didn’t want anyone seeing me so discombobulated over a woman. I’d never hear the end of it.
After a full days work I still wasn’t able to come to grips with Shalan’s goodbye. Once I got cleaned up I laid on my bed and thought about the way her skin felt to touch, and the way her smile always made me smile back. I thought about that voice of hers that got me every time.
Knowing that I had to make peace with the situation and move on with my life, I picked up my phone and did something I knew I’d probably come to regret.
I love you. – Noah
After hitting send I tossed my phone across the room and it shattered into pieces. Those three words were only going to piss her off, and at this point it wasn’t going to do me any good. We’d met unexpectedly and ended the same way. I had to live with that now, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to change it.
Shalan
I had to stay focused, because it was the only way that I could handle losing Noah. His last message was a constant reminder of how much I wished things could have been different. I’d never set out to have him come into my life and save me from myself, but he had. I hadn’t been lying when I said I’d be forever grateful to him.
The next week went by so slowly. I’d packed and prepared for my big trip way too soon. Since my housing was only temporary, it wasn’t like I was leaving behind anything of value while I was gone. My stay there was only until my album was cut, and then I’d be on my own, making plenty of money to have means to find a place to stay.
On the day that we left for the tour, I felt overwhelmed with guilt about Noah. Even though I knew I couldn’t trust him, a part of me longed to be in his arms again. To be honest, it was the only place I’d ever felt completely safe.
My flight overseas was long, and for the most part I knew nobody that I was traveling with. I found myself having too much time on my hands to think about my life, and all of the decisions that had gotten me to this point.
I knew I was lucky. Who gets a record deal after performing karaoke at a hotel bar? It was insane, but for sure happening to me. As blessed as I felt, I couldn’t have gotten there without the one person I’d written off.
It hurt so much, and I cried until I couldn’t see straight too many times over it.
The only thing left to do was take my emotions and write. It helped me say goodbye to my mother, and it was going to help me get over Noah. After all, how could I have fallen for him so hard so soon? Sure plenty of time had passed, but I was certainly in love, knowing that no man had every gotten to me the way he had.
In the time it took us to fly from New York to England, I’d written two songs. I’d cried through parts of them, and smiled in others. In all of the songs that I’d ever written, I never felt such a pull when I read them over. I knew I’d never be able to sing them, because they were the only thing holding me together, and if I shared them with the world it would make me vulnerable. I’d overcome that part of me, and I was determined to never show it again.
Our time overseas lasted a whole extra month, and none of us knew who to blame for the late notice. Three months is a long time to be away from the only world I’d ever known. During the day we would travel, and at night we would perform, only having a few days of the week for ourselves. Mostly, I traveled with the rest of the backup singers and got to know them. Of course, they wanted to know my story and I refused to open up about it. This is my new life, and Noah, as well as everything else, was my past.
Things started to get better as the days went by, but there was never one that I hadn’t thought about Noah, his family, and their beautiful life that he’d never appreciated.
When our tour was over I was asked to continue after a months rest back in the states. I was over-the-moon excited for the opportunity and accepted without a second of thought.
Once I was home, settled into
my apartment, and preparing for my first studio session it all came crashing down on me.
I’d received an email regarding the schedule of the cities that we would be performing in, and one was in Kentucky, near the airport that I’d flown into. Noah hadn’t really told me all of his favorite band names, but I knew he liked country music and wondered if he ever went to concerts. As quick as I had the idea to send him tickets, I shook off the idea knowing that I couldn’t reach out to him. We were over, and as much as a friendship would have made me feel better, I knew I’d always want more.
When I went to my session I sat down with the band and we went over melodies and brakes, practicing how we wanted to do the chorus until we all agreed it was perfect. Shelly had arranged for the music, and while she and her husband sat in the control room, looking down at all of my songs that they’d chosen, I knew this was do or die. I had to make an impression that would stand out.
We got through our first day with little problems. Five songs were in the bag and the next six were going to be just as easy. I’d practiced them for two months, and it helped that the music had already been added with the lyrics. All I had to do was memorize and make it my own.
On the third and final day Shelly got a call half-way in and asked if we could take a couple minutes to break until she got back. I stood around for a second, whispering the next song chorus to myself. Then I turned around and looked at the band. The box was empty and besides them, who’d heard me sing for the past three days, I was without an audience.
I closed my eyes and started thinking about Noah, and the words to one of my songs just started coming out. With my eyes still closed I heard the band beginning to play, giving me a rhythm to go off of. Every instrument added depth, and even more emotion to my lyrics, until suddenly I started to cry and couldn’t continue. When I opened my eyes Shelly was standing up in the control room staring at me with shocked eyes.
I ran out of the booth as fast as I could making it to the bathroom before I lost it. All of my hidden feelings had come out and attacked me at the very moment I needed to be at my strongest.
Shelly found me leaning against the sink wiping my eyes. “I’m sorry, Shelly. I just-.” She shushed me.
“I’m going to ask you something, Shalan, and you need to be honest with me.”
I shook my head, ready to answer any questions about the breakup I’d told no one about.
“Do you think once you calm down you could sing that song again?”
I was shocked. “What?”
“Those words, that song, it was beautiful. That song needs to be your first single.”
I shook my head. “No. It can’t. There’s no way I could record it.”
“Shalan, honey I can see that song is dear to your heart, but people want to feel that emotion when you sing. Trust me, I deal with this every single day. I get that it’s hard for you, but I’m telling you right now, that is the song.”
When I wasn’t able to answer, Shelly hugged me again and left me to calm down on my own. I couldn’t believe that I’d let them hear the words I’d written Noah. It was such a mistake, but if it could be my first single, if I could make the charts, wasn’t it worth it? Wouldn’t Noah want me to go as far as I could?
It took me a while, but I walked out into the booth with a fresh face and half of a smile. I looked into the control room and gave Shelly a nod. “I’m ready for that song now.”
“Okay guys, that song you were working on, let’s work with that for a while. We need to change when the base comes in at first. I think Shalan should start without music, and then that third line you can come in strong.” Shelly announced as she winked at me.
This was my chance. Being a backup singer was an amazing opportunity, but this was my dream. I was doing this for my mother, and everyone out there that thought I’d amount to nothing. It was for my brother, who’d never called me one time since I’d left town. It was for my father, who’d never been one to begin with. Lastly, it was for Noah, who got me to where I was now, even if it was by accident.
It was the hardest performance of my life, especially having to do it over and over again until we had enough recorded to piece it all together.
That night Shelly took me out to dinner to celebrate finishing all twelve tracks in three days. She said that it was rare and I was extremely talented. The feeling was overwhelming, and I broke down a couple times for different reasons. On our way home in the cab we passed the hotel where it all started. My mind went to Noah, and thankfully I was able to contain myself until I got inside of my apartment.
It wasn’t just that I missed him, or our beautiful time we spent together. I think I was just so anxious about my album and my life that I couldn’t take it all coming at me at the same time.
After grabbing a glass of wine, and curling up on the couch I stared at my phone. It had been months since I talked to Noah. For sure he’d moved on and forgotten all about those three last words he’d messaged me. Still, I just wanted to hear his voice. I needed to know he was out there somewhere.
So I called.
He answered on the first ring. “Shalan?”
His voice, that drawl, made me immediately begin to cry harder.
I couldn’t reply. I just hung up the phone without saying anything. I knew he could see it was me calling, but I still hung up anyway.
The phone rang at least ten times after that until I turned it off. I couldn’t talk to him and I knew why. I’d get lost in his voice and do whatever I could to see him. It would be a mistake that I couldn’t risk making.
I had to let him go forever, even if I didn’t know how.
Noah
I’d come to grips with things, and kept busy enough that it was now just a dull ache when I thought about her. At night her face was always the last person I pictured, but I was certain I’d never see her again. Shalan was gone, and she was much better off.
Then, after three months I got that late night call. I’d been lying in my bed trying to fall asleep and my phone rang. I could hear her crying, but she wouldn’t speak. After she hung up I tried to call. If she was in trouble I would have found her and been with her in a heartbeat.
I waited days for a call back, but never got one. Those days turned into weeks and then months.
In that time my cousin and I had gone out a few times on the weekends. She was a good companion, because people just assumed we were a couple. When annoying men or women peaked an interest, we’d talk closer to each other, or I’d put my arm around her, making it look like we were an item. We thought it was funny, and honestly it wasn’t anything we hadn’t done before.
My cousin especially was always a one man kind of woman. When she was in college and came to visit me, I’d always have to pretend she was my girlfriend so guys wouldn’t bother hitting on her.
Bells wasn’t just my plus one though. She was there for me, even more than my mom could be. She was my go-to, who knew every detail about my past. In the months she’d been living with me, I’d confided in her, as she’d done the same to me. In all of my life she’d been that one person that always had my back, and I loved her for it.
Still, Bells could get annoying when I didn’t live my life the way she wanted me to. Often she’d tell me what I was doing wrong, and become so pushy that I had to get away from her.
It had been six months since she’d walked out of my life. I remember it because it was the day that my heart shattered into pieces. My dad had finally come around and decided that it was time to give me more control over the ranch. I’m sure my mom was tired of me moping, but at the same time, I was ready for the challenge.
With him out of the picture for most of the day-to-day jobs, I felt that pent up anger going away. I also realized that the ranch was where I belonged. I knew it like the back of my hand, and my dad had instilled everything he knew in me since I was three years old.
I’d become grateful, and for that our relationship changed.
My mom was just happy that w
e could be in the same room with each other and talk shop without it becoming a world war.
On that night, exactly six months after my heart had been torn to pieces, and I’d written off women, my dad stopped by my place unannounced. He didn’t knock before he came walking inside.
“What’s up, dad? I have my phone on. You could have called.”
“Your mom sent me. We got some tickets from a friend to see that band your mother likes. You know the one with the guy and girl singer?”
“I don’t pay attention to what she likes.”
“Anyway, we’ve got four. She wants you and Bella to go with us.”
I sat up in the recliner and leaned my elbows on my knees. “Seriously? A concert with you two old folks. It sounds like a terrible time.”
My dad took off his John Deere ball cap and threw it at me. “We ain’t old. Your mother and I can party like you kids any day of the week.”
“What do I have to do to get out of this?” I was willing to do anything.
Bella came walking out of her bedroom. She had ear buds in, and was startled to see my dad in the living room, bent over to pick up his hat. “Hey, uncle Colt. I didn’t know you were here.”
“I came to ask you two to come to a concert with us tonight. It’s that band your aunt likes with the two singers.”
Bella laughed. “Oh my gosh, seriously? The one that sings that song about fishing in the pond with the mosquitos?”
Noah Page 27
