by Dianne Drake
“James thinks so. And hypertensive as a collateral condition. His wife took good care of him all those years, then when she died he went to pieces in more ways than one.” The loss of true love was something she understood.
Lights in the sky, followed by the whir of the engine caught her attention. Caused her heart to pound harder, her breaths to strangle in her throat. No matter how hard she tried to keep herself calm, it didn’t always happen. “I think…” Deep breath. “I think I see him. Is Eric flying?” She made herself focus on how she was not going up in that helicopter, willed her heart to stop its galloping, demanded her breathing go back to normal.
“That’s his helicopter. He finally took the plunge and he’s trying it out before the hospital makes the purchase. Look, Fallon, tell James that Tyler is fine with me and the girls. We’ve had pizza, and I’ve got them all settled in, watching a movie. As I have an idea this is going to be a late one, why don’t you let him stay here tonight? That way you and James won’t have to worry about him.”
The way Dinah talked, it was almost as if she and James were parents and Tyler was their child. It was a nice image, just not the real one. “I’ll let James know. And if he wants to do anything different, I’ll have him call you. Gotta go.” She ran to the edge of the parking lot and watched the helicopter land in a field at the end of it. Before she could run to greet its pilot, Eric had jumped out and was halfway across the grass, running as fast as he could, carrying an armload of supplies. “More in the chopper,” he yelled as he passed Fallon. “Grab the stretcher if you can.”
She grabbed the stretcher, a lightweight frame, and a bag full of miscellaneous supplies and ran right back to the lodge, where Eric was already hooking Walt up to a heart monitor, James was readying an oxygen set-up, and the unknown doctor was taking vital signs. As soon as she got there, she wiggled her way in next to James to begin the IV prep.
“He’s coming round,” James said, as Walt started fighting the oxygen mask, thrashing about, trying to strike out at his rescuers.
“Walt,” Fallon said in her sternest voice. “Listen to me. We’re trying to help you. Please don’t fight us.”
Walt opened his eyes, but they didn’t focus.
“Do you understand? We’re trying to help you.”
His eyes moved slowly until they locked on Fallon, and whether or not he understood her words was anybody’s guess, but once he saw her, he settled right down.
“I’m afraid he’s going to start thrashing again once I stick him to get the IV in,” she whispered to James.
The other doctor responded. “How about I do that while you keep talking to him? He seems to calm down when he hears your voice, so hold his other hand, make sure he keeps his mask on.”
“As soon as you get the IV started, we’re going to take him down to the hospital,” Eric said. “Mark can ride with me, and you two can get back to doing whatever you were doing.” He smiled. “A date, wasn’t it?”
“Dinner,” Fallon corrected him. “That’s what we were doing. Just dinner. And wouldn’t you rather have someone you know with you on the transport…James.” She wouldn’t fly, wasn’t sure she ever could again, but James would. And after being in his arms, after that one dance, she was ready to get some space from him.
“Mark Anderson,” the other doctor said by way of introduction. “And Eric knows me. He and I…and Neil Ranard were colleagues back in California.” He held down Walt’s arm while James located the vein and sank the IV. Within seconds the bag was hooked up, and all three men were in the process of getting Walt strapped to the stretcher. Once that deed was done, James, Eric and Mark rushed him out the door, leaving Fallon standing in the middle of the dining room alone as all the diners still stood off to the side, watching.
“You OK?” Angela asked, rushing to Fallon’s side as she prepared to leave.
“Sure. Tired, but OK.”
“That was amazing, what you and James did. I admire all of you…my sister, Eric. I mean, I come here and cook every night, and you…you do something that counts.”
“Cooking counts,” Fallon said, suddenly realizing she was on the verge of total exhaustion. “Without the cooks of the world, those of us who burn water would starve.”
“Who was the other doctor?” Angela asked. “I haven’t seen him before.”
Fallon tried to remember his name. “Rick. Or, Mark. I think I heard him say he was from California, but I was talking to Walt at the time, trying to reassure him.”
“He’s going to be OK, isn’t he? I mean, I was thinking that if you and James hadn’t been here when he collapsed…”
As the helicopter lifted off, and she watched it makes its way skyward, Fallon’s head went light and she took a staggering step backwards. “I think I need to go home,” she said. “I’ll call you as soon as I hear anything about Walt.”
“Can I drive you?”
“I think James is waiting for me. At the truck. He was going to help get Walt loaded into the helicopter then come and get me. But thanks.” The two exchanged hugs, and as Fallon was about to pull away from Angela, James stepped up behind her. “James is waiting for you. And he’s taking you straight home and putting you to bed.” Angela took that as the hint to leave them alone as James slid his arm around Fallon’s waist to support her. Never had anything felt so good. At any other time she would have struggled to stand on her own, but this was the second time James had practically carried her home, and this was the second time she had been willing to let him do it.
“Tyler’s with Dinah and the twins. Spending the night, if that’s OK with you.”
As the two of them strolled across the parking lot to the truck, she leaned into him more and more, until he was practically holding up her full weight. “Eric mentioned that. I told him it was fine with me. Look, Fallon, I think maybe I should carry you.”
“No, I’ll make it…” As long as he was there to help her. “I don’t have my full stamina back and I think my little adrenalin surge has worn off. But I can walk to the truck.”
Which she did. And she even walked into the cabin on her own. But made it only as far as the couch, where she collapsed, promising herself she’d rest a minute or two before she climbed the stairs to her bedroom. She had to get up those stairs because she was feeling too vulnerable, too cozy. She wanted to shut a door between them. Wanted to put up a physical barrier that would block out everything she was fighting to give in to. She and James together, upstairs. Weak thoughts attributed to a tired body. Something she had to remember. “Thanks for dinner,” she said, as she pushed herself up off the couch. “I’m sorry it didn’t turn out better.”
“Well, except for the first half-hour when you were so nervous, and the last half hour when Walt collapsed, it wasn’t all that bad.”
Fallon laughed. “Always the optimist, aren’t you? Seeing the glass half-full, not half-empty.”
“But it is half-full. Although I’ll admit, when I asked you to dance, I was pretty sure it was going to be empty.”
“But I danced.”
“That, you did. And I’m wondering why.”
She looked up at him, sighed. Attempted a smile. “Because you wanted to. I’m not an ogre, James. I do want to be your friend, if we can find a way to work that out.”
“Friend? That’s all?” He shook his head, sucked in a frustrated breath and let it out slowly. “I can’t keep doing this, Fallon. Can’t keep hoping. It’s getting more and more exhausting for me. And right now the only thing on my mind is how much I want to carry you up those stairs, which is why I’m going to leave. I’ve decided to buy Emoline Putters’s house sight unseen. Maybe move in as soon as the day after Christmas. Because I need to get out of here. Need to get Tyler out of here and leave you to whatever it is you want to be left to.”
The words she’d been wanting to hear. But hearing them didn’t make her feel any better. If anything, she felt worse. Afraid. Alone. She couldn’t let him see that, though, or he wouldn’t l
eave. So she braved up, squared her shoulders, forced a smile. “You’re right. That’s what you need to do. It’ll be best for everyone.”
“And that’s it?”
“What else should there be, James? This was never a permanent arrangement. You were always going to leave, and now it’s official.” Her brave front was slipping, but she didn’t want him to see that. “So, in the meantime, if you hear anything about Walt, let me know. Yell it from the bottom of the stairs, though. I don’t want you coming up.”
“Be honest with me, Fallon. Is that because if I did get to the top, you wouldn’t send me back down?”
She couldn’t lie to him. Dear God, she wished she could. That would make it easier. But she couldn’t. “If you climbed those stairs, I wouldn’t send you back down.” She turned away and started walking upstairs, wondering, for a moment, if they could have just one night…one more night. Make it simple, be clear about it. Wake up in each other’s arms for one last time. Say the final goodbye to the part of their lives that desperately needed closure, and start a new chapter, separately. Her list of reasons sounded good to a weary mind. So why not? James would understand what it was about and maybe it would help him move on. Help her move on.
She could do this. And it didn’t mean she was giving in. It meant that she was finally putting it to rest. Closure. Yes, that was it. She was seeking closure. Of course, there was the real possibility that in the morning, when her head was clear, she’d regret her decision, and see her list for what it was…a pathetic attempt to live in the past, to hang onto a part of that past she couldn’t have now. She turned to invite him up, but he was already gone. And she didn’t go after him.
“He’s doing well. Grumpy, but otherwise in remarkably good condition for what he suffered last night.”
“Huh?” Fallon looked up at James through a hazy stupor. She hadn’t slept at all last night. She’d tossed and turned, paced, fixed herself hot milk, read a magazine, gone over files for the new hospital, and admonished herself for what she’d almost done every second her head hadn’t been full of something else. She would have slept with him. Made love, and quite possibly would have been making love again right this very minute. So this morning she wasn’t up to facing him. More than that, she wasn’t up to facing herself.
“Walt Graham. He’s grumpy…”
“He was always grumpy,” she said, twisting away from James. He was standing over her, she was sitting at the breakfast bar, pretending to eat a carton of yogurt. There was no way she could twist far enough away from him to forget what she’d wanted to do. “Gentle soul inside, grumpy on the outside.”
“He wants to be Santa. Says he’ll check himself out of the hospital and do what he wants to do.”
Fallon managed a laugh, in spite of her glum mood. “And that’s what he’ll do, if there’s any way he can get himself into his Santa suit and hoist himself up on that train.”
“That’s what Eric said, too. We had coffee together a while ago, and he said Walt could bellow all he wanted, but he was grounded this year.”
“You had coffee with Eric?”
“And Neil and Gabby, and the rest of the doctors. Staff meeting, actually. Bright and early. We talked about expanding the hospital by another new staff member.”
She hadn’t known, hadn’t heard him leave. And here her thoughts had been full of sweet morning love. Well, now, if she didn’t just feel like an idiot! Glad, though, that James hadn’t been privy to the tumultuous thoughts that had kept her awake all night.
“And I stopped by the Ramseys’ to see Tyler for a few minutes. He was busy making snow angels. He said he still wants to build a snowman with you, and do all that Christmas shopping you promised him. And he doesn’t want you forgetting that.” James chuckled. “He’s enjoying the attention of two lovely ladies, though. I’ve been told Paige and Pippa have both declared their undying love for him, and they don’t want him going home, ever. But my little Casanova took me aside and told me he wants to come back here with you.”
Suddenly, her bad mood melted away. “He does?” she asked, finally mellow enough to look him straight in the eye. “Are you sure?”
“He likes you, Fallon. Like father, like son.”
“Are you on duty, or can you come with us to build that snowman?”
“On for the morning, off for the rest of the day.”
“Then how about Tyler and I go shopping for ornaments, and after you’re home we start on the snowman and maybe drag the tree into the house. He’s really anxious to put it up, you know.”
His face darkened. “I have an emergency hearing this afternoon. My attorney got the temporary custody papers filed, and the judge wants to hear the case immediately.”
“That’s fast!”
He nodded. “I’m not sure what to make of it, but he wants Tyler there with me. So maybe we can get to the snowman or the tree afterwards.”
It was all beginning to happen. James getting custody of Tyler. Tyler and James starting their new life together. She was happy for them. Truly happy for them. But sad for herself because she already felt left out. It’s what she wanted, but she didn’t have to like it, didn’t have to like the feeling it left her with. Still, she was glad for James because he did deserve some happiness.
And her…getting what she wanted ached so bad she wanted to curl up in a tight, little ball and stay that way. She missed James and he wasn’t even gone. So, how was she to survive this? How was she to make it through the next days without giving herself away to him? Because the tears welling behind her eyes right now would surely give her away. And she couldn’t let him see that. Not now, not ever.
CHAPTER NINE
“AND you have no knowledge of her whereabouts?” Judge Stanley asked James.
“She may live in Arizona or New Mexico. But Tyler doesn’t know, and as she didn’t leave me any forwarding information, I don’t know either. My attorney and I are working on that, though. And I’ve had an investigator looking for her for a while.”
“But the blood tests match? And the DNA?” He shuffled through a stack of papers, looking through a tiny pair of reading glasses that balanced precariously on the end of his nose.
“No doubts,” James said. “He’s my son.”
The judge nodded without looking up. “And you dated the mother for how long?”
This was beginning to make him nervous. “A few weeks. Not seriously, though.”
He glanced up at James. “Seriously enough to conceive a son.” Then he returned to his papers.
Bad sign. Really bad sign. He wished he could have asked Fallon to come and stand with him. Even though Jason Greene was with him, he felt alone. Tyler was sitting in the judge’s office, under the watchful eye of a court clerk, and here he was, doing something he’d never even considered would happen to him. He was asking the judge to take the first legal steps in granting him sole custody of his son. It was good, but he missed Fallon being involved. It wasn’t her fight, though. And he knew he had to get used to not having her around because, as of an hour ago, he’d agreed to buy Emoline’s house. Which meant he was doing what Fallon wanted all along…moving on.
So why involve her in this, when in a few more days she wouldn’t be involved in anything in his life? He did hope, though, that she’d stay involved with Tyler. Tyler loved her.
“Seriously enough to conceive a son,” he said back to the judge.
“What happens when you get to a permanent custody hearing and the boy’s mother fights you?”
“I fight her back. After all, I’m not the one who keeps abandoning our son. I’d say that’s a pretty good argument.”
The judge looked up again, but this time took off his glasses. “What you’re asking to do here, Doctor, is the start of something with a very serious consequence. You realize that, don’t you?”
“What I realize is my son needs a stable life. I can give that to him, but his mother cannot. If she wants visitation rights, we can work that out because I
think it’s important that Tyler has a relationship with his mother. But I’ll do everything in my power, spend every cent I have if that’s what it takes, to make sure he spends the rest of his childhood with me.”
“Well, according to the court report, he’s a difficult child…behavioral problems of some undiagnosed sort,” the judge continued. “I know you’re a pediatrician, well aware of what adjustments might have to be made for the boy. But are you prepared to deal with that every day until the permanent custody is established and, perhaps, for the duration of his childhood, if that’s the way it works out? Deal with it as a father?”
“It’s the father in me who wants to take care of his son. The father who loves that little boy more than life itself, and wants to give him the kind of home he deserves. That’s who you see right now, and I’m fully prepared to deal with his problems. Although once he has someone he can count on, once he knows he’s not going to be abandoned every few months, his behavioral issues will disappear. And that’s the pediatrician speaking as a professional.”
Outside, in the corridor, Fallon shut the door to the hearing room and dropped down onto the wooden bench there in the hall. OK, so she really didn’t need to be here, had promised herself that she wouldn’t come. But she had anyway. And she’d been listening to the arguments and discussions for the past twenty minutes, standing there with the door opened barely a crack, ready to spring in and testify on James’s behalf, if he needed it. But he didn’t need it, and the tears streaming down her cheeks were the proof of that. Tyler was on the verge of a new life now, and she was so happy for the both of them. If only she could have been part of that arrangement.
“Why didn’t you come in?” He’d known she was there. Had seen her peeking in.
Fallon, still facing her car, with her key in the door, sucked in a sharp breath. “I didn’t know if you wanted me there. And I didn’t want to intrude.”
He took her by the shoulder and spun her around. “There’s no place in my life I don’t want you, Fallon. But I don’t know how to get you back in my life the way I want you.” With the snowflakes brushing her face as they fluttered to the ground, and her eyes so wide and questioning, she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. So much so she nearly took his breath away. “And I didn’t ask you to testify for me because….” He brushed a snowflake off her cheek. Wanted to kiss her so badly it stung. “Because it’s so difficult, Fallon. Wanting you, knowing I can’t have you.”
