by Lizzie Bowen
Chapter Two: A heart like broken glass
We were riding home. I stared at the window miserably. My mom didn't say anything. She just sat there sobbing. It broke my heart to tell you the truth, but I wasn't about to give her the impression I was affected.
“I'm so disappointed.” She said. I stared at the window without saying a word.
“Say something.” She demanded gruffly.
“I'm sorry.” I offered without much emotion.
“I'm sick of your attitude.” My mom snapped.
“I'm not having an attitude.” I said through gritted teeth.
“You see this is your problem, Sam! Everything I say offends you. I'm not the one who got kicked out of school for hitting some innocent girls.” My mom shouted. Innocent?
“THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T TALK! YOU NEVER TAKE MY SIDE AND ALWAYS INSULT ME!” I screamed.
“DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME!” My mom hollered. I burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. I just really didn't need this right now. Why couldn't we just get along? I watched out my window as we rushed down the bustling road. I wanted to drive out of here and never stop. I wanted to drive right out of California and keep going until we sank down in the ocean. I just felt like it was all over. I tried to look at the bright side... well, what bright side? Because right now there didn't seem to be much of one.
Well... I guess I did learn a little. I learned to be so incredibly careful of who you hate. Sometimes, they'll try aimlessly for your affection and do just about anything to change your mind. But other times.... they'll destroy you for it. I can't really blame them. One can only work so hard for you for so long. Be very careful because pretty soon... they'll hate you too.
Playing hard to get is never the way to go. People get tired of working for you and they'll give up. That's how this all started. They'd playfully poke fun at me and I would get offended, but one day, it just went horribly wrong. They grew up... they changed. I guess we all did a little. That change cost me years of misery and an eventual explosion. Just be very careful because you may hate them now, but try to bottle your feelings because once it's too late then there's absolutely no turning back. There's no second chances. Once they have it engraved in their mind that your their enemy there's nothing you can say, nothing you can do, no way you can look, or act to change their minds. It's just... over. Maybe it was all a pride thing. Maybe I could have been nicer to them and tried harder to make peace, but was too afraid of being rejected to even put the effort forth. I was just glad to be out of there. Even if I was accept back next year (which was next to impossible) there was no amount of money in the world that could drag me back to that place. It was going to be hard though. I still went to church there and it was still my home. It was going to be difficult going there this Sunday and having to face up to what I had done. Many of the kid's parents were regular attendants of that church. I guess I'd just spend the rest of my life trying to avoid them.
My mom parked the car in the driveway. Everything was so still and quiet. I looked at her tear stained face for a moment. There was so much pain hidden behind that thin smile she plastered on.
“Go inside.” She said calmly as she offered me a very weak, fake smile. I couldn't offer a smile in return. It was simply too painful.
I slipped out of the car and darted up to my room. I plopped on my bed and whipped my guitar out. I started singing as loudly as I could and strumming until I thought my fingers would fall of or bleed to death. I sang until my voice was scratchy and hoarse. I sat on the remote and my television snapped on. It startled and I stopped singing to turn it off, but something stopped me in my tracks. My favorite boy band flashed up on the screen. They were four boys from Australia and quite attractive if I do say so myself. The face of a pretty blonde news-reporter then flashed onto the screen.
“California has gone crazy with the All4U blues. The smash-hit boy band is currently looking for a instrumental band to play the music they sing to and auditions are being held in California. The Grammy-nominated; four time VMA award winning boy band is number one in over twenty seven countries and holds the record for fastest song to reach number one on the Billboards charts. Their newest single “Light Me with Your Love” is currently number one in America as well as seventeen other countries around the world. Their world-tour kicks off at the beginning of this summer. For more information on how to audition for Josh, Hunter, Logan, and Cory visit “www.Eastsidenews.com/All4Uauditions/California. Now for Brenda Walker with the evening news.”
Her face flashed off the screen. I sat there wide-eyed, not being able to comprehend what my ears had just heard. I jerked my laptop out from under my bed and wrenched it open. My fingers were trembling as I typed in the link. What if...I could be All4U's new guitar player? I tried to stay calm and not get my hopes up. I mean it was a one in a million shot right? But something inside me told me that just maybe I could be that one. My heart began beating rapidly just at the thought of it. I scrolled through the audition locations. One of the locations was a theater relatively close to my house. It was fate... it had to be. I wouldn't ask my mother though yet. It was just too soon. I tried my very best to remain calm, but this was just such a big deal that I couldn't keep my hopes from soaring. It was practicing time. I strummed and strummed and strummed. Pain shot through my fingertips and up my arms. Doubt crept into the back of my mind though. I squeezed my eyes shut and as I did the horrid memories came flashing into my mind.
The memories were like a waterfall, flooding my mind, and taking control of my body. They forced me back into that deep, dark, guilty place that I had been trying to force my way out of for so many hours. I thought of all the things said to me... fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, trash. They echoed in my mind and rang throughout me. Could anyone possibly want me? How could the biggest boy-band in the world appreciate me when my own high school piers couldn't? The question haunted me. The voices screamed discouraging things in my head. I remembered how the boys would boo when I got up in front of the class to do anything, I remembered how weird I was, and how I never really fit in, but mostly I remembered the depression I had been battling for so long. The sadness that had lingered in my heart for so long that I just couldn't seem to shake away. How could they like me? I wasn't worth their attention even if it meant they only had to give me three minutes of their time for the audition... I wasn't even worth that.
I couldn't even walk through those school doors without a wave of depression hitting me to add to the ocean of sadness that I was drowning in. How was I supposed to walk in front of the world's biggest boy band with confidence when I couldn't even walk into my own school? My life had been a series of crushed dreams, exclusion, and over-all disappointment. I was worried about myself... I really was. But I didn't dare tell anyone what I was feeling inside. I was an actress. I was forever smiling and laughing even though nothing, but pain seemed to be going on in my life.
I knew most of this I had brought on myself though. I was loud, annoying, obnoxious, rude, and selfish. I knew that. I was completely aware of those flaws without them constantly being shoved in my face, but I wanted someone to love me through those flaws. I wanted someone to love me when I was obnoxious, scream with me when I was loud, put up with me when I'm rude, and give me more even when I'm being selfish.
I pretty much shut down at every social situation. I just wanted to go home and be alone. I was used to being alone... it was where I was safe. It was where I was comfortable. I could no longer play the games at youth group and get in front of my peers because I knew the consequences would only be cruel jeering and laughter whenever I stumbled. I was completely unable to accept that I was the weird one though. Whenever I discussed school with my parents it broke me to pieces because it showed that they still thought that I was that
popular, loud, bubbly girl. That girl was long gone. I was no longer that girl anymore. I didn't know how to handle it either because my mind refused to accept that fact.
I often wish that I would have tried harder. I wished I would have pursued my friends more and not let them slid through my fingers like sand. The thing was I could feel them leaving. I could feel the conversations start to get more awkward and that close-knit relationship die. When relationships like that die... a part of you dies with it I believe. But I couldn't chase after them. I simply couldn't.
There was no time to grieve over any of this either. Life kept jetting forward whether I was ready to jet with it or not. Life just seemed like this constant nightmare that I couldn't awaken from. I didn't really ever go into really deep thought about why people didn't like me. I had pretty much convinced myself that I was obnoxious and just overall unlikable. To be honest, if someone did like me I wouldn't know how to handle it. If someone loved me I think I'd go ballistic. When everyone around you is constantly overflowing you with the thoughts that you're not wanted the idea seems to get etched into your brain no matter how hard you deny the fact. You might even try to prove that the fact isn't a reality, but the thought remains in the back of your head and will ultimately drive you insane.
I sat and sighed as I let my mind drift. I hated when I did that. I let it drift to ever time I'd ever felt unloved or unwanted. Every time I'd be told I wasn't worth it... every night I went to bed hoping I wouldn't wake up. Or that when I woke up it would have all been a dream...my whole life, a simple dream. That I was living a purposeful and regular life. I knew this wasn't a regular life. Most teenagers weren't as sad as I was, but I still let my mind wander to these thoughts...wonder through the pain.
As I did, a very dark memory popped into my mind. I sat in math class looking at the board. Two boys in front of me kept looking back and giggling at me and my friend.
“Stop looking at me, you're creeping me out.” I snapped. I usually snapped at everyone. It was just my nature to be completely honest.
“Um...no, Sam. Don't even try that. I'm pretty sure no one could ever look at you like that.” He sneered. A burning sensation stung throughout my head and in my chest. It was as if my heart had been set ablaze by these lies. The lies seared in my mind flaming into my mind and engraving the horrible words throughout my heart, setting my heart ablaze, and plummeting my self-esteem into an abys. The words seemed to linger in the air. They echoed in my mind so loudly that I felt as if my body was being taken over. I screamed out loud. I darted to the mirror and looked at myself. My red hair was ruffled, tears streamed out of my blue eyes, and black mascara was smeared across my pale face. I screamed at the reflection I saw. I threw my shoe at the mirror. The mirror fell to the floor and shattered into millions of pieces in front of my eyes. It made a horrifying noise as the glass made contact with the floor. I peered at my distorted reflection in the shards of glass lying shattered on my floor. It was broken...just like me. But the mirror could probably be fixed or replaced. My broken pieces simply couldn't be put back together.
“Is it even worth it anymore?” I hissed bitterly at my distorted reflection. I shook my head and picked up one of the pieces. I looked at myself through the shredded piece of glass. All I saw was my eye. Even that was ugly. I threw it down on the floor. A piece of glass grazed my foot. I screamed out in pain. My mom came rushing to my room.
“Honey, are you okay? I heard something smash! What happened?” She demanded.
“My mirror fell.” Was all I muttered, avoiding eye contact. She pursed her lips and nodded. She knew the mirror hadn't just fallen, she could pretty much read my every thought. Salty tears fell down my face even though I pleaded them to stop.
“It just fell?” She whispered. I nodded.
“Here, let me clean you up.” She said, retrieving a first-aid kit. She wiped my tears away then bandaged my foot up. She smoothed the bandage gently with her fingertips on my cut. She was good mom... a gentle and kind one and I was really lucky to have her. I knew I didn't appreciate her enough.
“If you ever need to talk... I'm here, you know?” She asked softly. I nodded without looking at her. I could see tears starting to well up in her soft brown eyes. I bit my lip trying for tears of my own not to come streaming down my face. I knew I was hurting her.
I mean, I was her only child and I was absolute mess. Usually, when you're an only child you're wonderful to your parents and the definition of perfect. I was so far from that it wasn't even funny. It broke my heart a little to think about. But I tried to shove negative thoughts like that away. She tilted my chin up.
“I love you, sweetheart.” She stated. I knew she meant it too. I nodded and swallowed hard.
“I love you too.” I managed to choke out. She kissed my forehead then swept up the pieces of glass. She paused at the door frame for a moment. She looked longingly back at me. Then she opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but then swift shut it and slowly trudged out. A lump formed in my throat. I tried desperately to swallow it down, but she was breaking too...right beside me. If anyone were to understand me, I knew she would. I wanted to scream 'I need you' as she walked out just to let her know I cared, but I bit my tongue. I heard her dump the shards of glass into the trashcan. I cringed as she did. I heard it smash into even smaller pieces. My hopes, my dreams, and my life all smashed with it.
I crawled into my bed and cocooned myself in the covers. That was it. There was no way I was going to that audition... I just wasn't good enough and I honestly thought I never would be.
I drifted off to sleep. I had a weird dream. It was more of a nightmare, to be honest. I was at home sitting in my room and strumming my guitar when I decided to go get a glass of water. I saw a note taped on the refrigerator. It was a note from my mother.
Sweetheart, it was just too much. I love you dearly, baby girl... but I think we both know that neither of us could continue life like this. I'm Somewhere better now where I will never have to see you cry again. I know you might not understand this and to be honest I don't know if I do either. Being your mother has had it's challenges and those challenges were always ones I thought I could handle, but I see now I was wrong. This life, this world, and seeing you hurting was all too much to handle. I love you.
-Mom
I woke up screaming bloody murder.
“MOM!” I shrieked. My eyes popped wide open. My heart was beating like a drum, my pulse was racing, and a waterfall of sweat poured off my body. My hands shook uncontrollably as I wiped the beads of sweat from my forehead. My mom burst through the door at the speed of light.
“What's wrong, baby? What is it?” My mom asked in a panicked tone.
“Y-you left me.” I stuttered.
“Baby, I'm not going anywhere.” My mom assured as she sat on the edge of my bed.
“P-promise?” I stammered.
“Of course, sweetie. Where would I go?” She questioned stroking back my hair.
“I'm not... too much to handle?” I asked in between short choppy breathes.
“Honey, you'll never be too much to handle. You're a good girl.” She said as she took my hand in her's. She held my spazzing body close to her heart.
“Shh, it's okay. It was only a dream.” She whispered. But the sobs escaped me anyway.
“I'm right here.” She said rocking me back to sleep. I nodded and tried to swallow down the lump in my throat, but it didn't disappear. She kissed my forehead before laying me back down. She thought I was asleep. She waited at the door frame for a moment just watching me. I could feel her eyes boring into me.
“God, please help my poor little baby.” She whispered up at the ceiling. Her voice broke when she said it. I could tell she was about to break down, she'd probably cry herself to sleep. I guess we both would. I prayed a silent prayer that God would help me too. We were a very religious family. We went to church, read the Bible, and prayed. We didn't curse, swear, or do anything inappropri
ate. I dressed modestly and didn't believe in drinking or smoking. But despite everything I had done for God... He just didn't seem there. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but there was this empty void that used to be filled with joy and love. God seemed to do that to people. I can always spot a group of Christians wherever I go. There's something about them that's just magical. They smile more, they're much louder, and they just seem to have this sparkle or glow about them.
I had always had a love for God, but right now my heart felt so empty. I didn't feel Him like I used to. I tried to tell my mom about it once.
“Well, if you don't feel close to God... guess who moved?” She asked.
“I did, but how do I fix it?” I questioned.
“You gotta get right. Read the Bible and don't let those praying' knees get lazy.” She replied, her Alabama accent showing through as she did. I stared out the window and thought about her response. Maybe I wasn't quite right with God. Maybe I was a little bitter because of the way He had been treating me the past few years.
“You know I went through a faze when I felt that God wasn't close to me.” My mom informed.
“When?” I questioned.
“When your brother left.” She replied. Those words stung... they got me right in the gut. I hated my brother for leaving. He had really messed up my life by leaving. He was here then he was gone, just like that. I was in third grade and I remember coming come and all his stuff being gone. His room was completely empty. We didn't know where he was or if he was ever coming back. We gave him everything. We gave him a home, food, water, love, money, and bent our lives and schedule to fit his. We gave him absolutely everything and what did we get in return? Nothing...absolutely nothing. He spit in our face and betrayed us. He took our money and ran. I could just never forgive him for that...ever. That was another reason I hated Leslie. I remember being in fourth grade and watching her riding piggy-back on her brother into the classroom. Oh, how I envied her. I longed for that. I longed for even a simple hug or an 'I love you' from him, but I knew I'd never get it. He loved a stupid bottle more than he could ever love me... and that stung. And pretty soon even “I love you” starts to feel like a lie. It was. I didn't love him. I couldn't love him. I could never love anyone or anything. My heart had been through so much pain that I believe it had gone completely cold and numb, never to love anyone or anything...ever again.
