“So,” Alan stretched the word out, “what happened?”
I shoved that niggling doubt aside. “To me and Nick?” I waited for him to nod before continuing, “That was pretty much the end of it. I think we both felt horrible. And I started to blame him for my arrogance in having an affair and neglecting my kids. Well, I didn’t say that to him, but in my heart he was partially to blame.”
“You just stopped seeing him altogether?”
“Yes. He seemed to know I’d never forgive myself or him. And I think he was just as startled by the realization that he’d done the same thing. We saw each other in the hall a few times, but dropped all other contact.”
“Do you still blame him?” Alan asked.
“No. The blame belongs exclusively to me. I could’ve talked about the kids more, thought about the circumstances. But I didn’t.”
“You know, I don’t think the kids knew you’d forgotten them,” Alan smiled, “You should let yourself off the hook.”
I nodded, “I know I should, and maybe someday I will. At least I’m glad that this affair includes kids.”
Alan laughed, “That’s funny. I can see the brochures – ‘Having an affair while on vacation? Take the kids with you! Family time without the guilt!’”
I wanted to laugh. It was amusing. But I couldn’t.
Alan’s face grew serious, “You aren’t still in love with him, are you?”
I shook my head, “No. I don’t think I could ever love a man who would so easily leave his children and expect me to do the same.”
“But that’s not an emotional reason. That’s a common sense reason. I asked if you still love him.”
I looked Alan in the eyes. He had to believe me on this, “No. I don’t love him. I did at the time. It was an amazing affair. But it was all about us. And that’s not who I am.”
Alan looked puzzled, “What do you mean?”
What did I mean, exactly? Somewhere in my head was the answer, “I’m not like those mothers on TV who say that their kids are their life. Obviously, I’m a little more selfish than that. But Jenny and Ben have to be an important part of my life. So it was just the part of me that only cared about my own pleasure that was involved in the affair. And I want there to be more to me than that.”
I watched him carefully. This affair was different. And the feelings I had for Nick were not nearly as consuming as what I felt for the man sitting next to me.
Alan nodded, “I understand that. It makes sense. Like how my writing is a part of me. I don’t think I could give up any one part of myself to be with you. Fortunately, you aren’t asking me to. But if you saw Nick again, would you want him?”
I thought about that for a moment. “I don’t think so. There was a very strong physical and intellectual attraction, but I have that with you and more.”
“I’m happy to have that,” Alan said quietly, “and I love your kids as if they were my own. But warn me if you run into Nick again, okay?”
“Deal.” I said, leaning back. I felt like a deflated balloon. For so long, all that pressure had been building. Now it was out, and like magic, the pain had eased somewhat. I looked at Alan as he stretched his legs out in front of him. How amazing is it, to have someone who accepts your past and still wants you? Mike would certainly not be so forgiving. He’d probably sooner kill me than even listen to the whole story – doing it slowly and painfully with the precision of Torquemada during the Spanish Inquisition.
But Alan seemed to want to hear the whole thing. And then, he just accepted it, without worry. Was this really happening to me? Was Alan real? Or did I concoct him out of nowhere? Had I been wandering through my vacation all this time with just two kids and an imaginary playmate? Obviously, the parks’ animatronics technology has improved a great deal if that was the case.
“Why are you smiling?” Alan asked.
I squeezed his hand, “Because you’re too good to be true, and I don’t deserve you.”
He laughed, “It is I who don’t deserve you, I think.”
“Well then, we make the perfect pair. Neither one of us thinks we’re good enough for the other.”
Alan lifted the last beer bottle to his lips, “Sounds like the blueprint for the perfect relationship to me.”
I had to admit… it really did.
Chapter 24
The sun was shining. I knew this because for the first time on this trip, the curtains were open. Hell, the adjoining door was even open and had been all night! Of course, Alan and I didn’t sleep together. The kids didn’t know that their lives were about to change and we decided to keep it that way a little longer.
Everything I did, from dressing the kids to packing my purse seemed as though I was doing it for first time. When Alan looked at me, I felt little shocks of electricity run through my body to all my naughty bits. If cartoon bluebirds, squirrels and deer appeared, I wouldn’t be surprised. I felt like Cinderella. Well, better than that. Unlike her royal wuss, I was getting laid.
For once, I felt like my life had a chance of really coming together. Even better, I had a true partner. Not a husband who thought of me as nothing more than a nanny. In Alan’s eyes, I found so much more… love, friendship, oh… and searing sex.
So why did I have this weird little tremor in my heart? Maybe it was just those goddamned teacups and their hellish spinning. But it returned while we ate lunch. A nagging, niggling of nerves made it feel like my limbs were asleep.
At first, I thought it was a stroke. Actually, I kind of hoped it was a stroke. But it wouldn’t do for me to get cold feet. Not now.
“What have you been thinking about all morning?” Alan smiled at me.
Should I tell him? I mean, if he was now my partner, shouldn’t I mention it? “Oh, nothing.” Okay, so I was a complete coward.
The kids were silent, refueling like fiends and ignoring us completely. I couldn’t remember if we fed them breakfast or not. That would be a lousy way to begin – by forgetting to feed the kids. Alan called the waitress over and ordered another round of chocolate milk.
“You’re distracted,” he said calmly.
“Am not!” I lied. Unconvincingly, I might add.
Alan’s hand slid beneath the tablecloth and began caressing my inner thigh. My eyes rolled back into my head and my nipples immediately punctured my shirt.
“If you can’t tell me what’s on your mind now, how are we going to make this work?” He called my bluff.
“You’re right,” I said, removing his hand from my thigh. I mean, we still had the afternoon to get through without temptation. “What else can happen to spoil this? We’ve already had the worst that could possibly go wrong, right?”
He nodded, “Well, if by that you mean attempted sexual assault by your husband’s friend, being confronted on our affair by our spouses, in person, and leaving behind our lives as we know them, then yes, I guess you could say it can only go uphill from here.”
I leaned back in my chair and sighed, “Exactly. Nothing to worry about.”
And still, the niggling continued all through the afternoon, into the evening, even as we closed the door to the rooms and took up our usual sentry positions on the terrace. It was still there.
Alan peeled the label off his bottle of beer, “You know, people used to go to Vegas to get divorced. Leave it to us to use the ultimate family vacation for that purpose.”
I laughed, “Maybe we will set the next big trend. People Magazine, here we come.”
He smiled that absolutely, heart-shattering smile, “So, I suppose there are a few things we should know about each other. Can’t base this relationship strictly on how great we are in the sack.”
I sat bolt upright, “Of course! That’s it!”
Alan raised his right eyebrow, “I thought that was a little clever, but I hardly expected to incite a Eureka moment.”
Shaking my head, I continued, “No! Don’t you get it? We’ve jumped into this relationship emotionally and sexually but not intelle
ctually. I don’t even know your favorite movie. I mean, I know what it was twenty years ago, but not now.” I nodded like one of those wobbly-headed dogs you see in the back windows of cars owned by the elderly.
It dawned on him, I could see it, “I didn’t think about that.” he said quietly.
“Well?” I asked impatiently.
“Well what?”
I rolled my eyes, “Duh! What is your favorite movie?”
“Let me get this straight,” he started slowly, “you’ve been quiet all day because you don’t know what my favorite movie is?”
I threw my hands into the air, “Yes! I mean, no! I mean, sort of. Something like that.”
His hand reached for mine in the darkness, “Okay. My favorite movie is Toy Story.”
“What?” I thought maybe he had switched to conversational Klingon for a moment.
“You asked what my favorite movie is,” he said patiently, “and it’s Toy Story.”
“Huh.” Was all I could say to that.
“What do you mean by that?” His green eyes narrowed.
“It’s just that, I thought it would be something more highbrow than that.”
Alan frowned. “Toy Story is a complex story, filled with fleshed out characters, driven by a meaningful plot.”
“It’s a cartoon, Alan.” I never would’ve guessed that about him. I was thinking Citizen Kane or Inception. Not a goofy kid’s movie.
“I guess it’s a good thing we are getting to know each other then.” He relaxed. “What’s your favorite movie?”
“Sean of the Dead,” I replied without hesitation.
“A zombie movie.” Alan tilted his head to the side.
I nodded. “A funny zombie movie.”
He laughed this time. You know how there’s a frequency of sound that only dogs can hear? Well, there was something in that laugh that I swear only my vulva could hear.
“So, is it alright for us to proceed, now that we know these earth-shattering things about each other?” He arched his right eyebrow.
“You have won the day this time, evil doer,” My loins were begging me to end this stupid line of questioning, “but I’ll be back, and when I am, you will submit to my interrogation.”
“Do your worst,” he challenged me, “but for now, I will claim my prize.” Alan actually rose to his feet, lifted me into his arms and kicked his bedroom door open. As he laid me on the bed, I thought at this rate, getting to know him intellectually was going to take a long, long time.
Toy Story! I mean really!
Chapter 25
I looked at the clock on the nightstand. It blinked at me as if to say, “It’s 2 a.m., moron. Go to sleep.” In spite of this inspirational encouragement, sleep eluded me.
At first, I thought, Damn, we left the beer out there. So, I wondered if I could slip out there and get it. The problem being that I was naked. An image of me locking myself out of the room, naked, holding a six pack of Budweiser told me the beer would be fine until morning. I closed my eyes.
And opened them again. Nope. The great beer misfortune was not what was keeping me awake. It was that we had approached another problem with sex. Not that I was complaining.
I sat up; a difficult thing to do with Alan’s left leg over me. Was I stupid? I finally get what I want and then I try to beat a confession out of it. Years of questioning where I stood with Mike and Nick meant nothing. I knew where I stood with Alan. It didn’t matter what his favorite movie was (although I still had a problem with Toy Story). All that did matter was that he loved me and the kids. I had the rest of my life to ask him about the small stuff.
What was important, I told myself, was the whole package, from the witty conversation, to the brutal honesty regarding our pasts, to the scorching sex. And, we both loved each other’s kids. How many relationships have even a fraction of that?
I lay back down, snuggling into the hollow between Alan’s shoulders. And he didn’t snore! Score!
Over breakfast the next morning, Alan reminded the kids that the vacation was almost over. We were deafened by the collective groan that followed.
“I know, I know,” he began as if leading peace negotiations in the Middle East, “but we’ve extended this vacation longer than we should.”
“Then we hafta go home?” Jack mumbled through a mouthful of cornflakes.
“I don’t wanna go home!” Ben wailed.
Alice and Jenny threw their arms around each other and burst into tears. Pretty soon people from the other tables began to look at us like they would alert security.
“Calm down, guys! We’re still here!” That’s me, always looking for the silver lining – even if the silver lining had a quickly approaching expiration date.
Alice bit her bottom lip, “Can Jenny come live with us?” She turned those big, chocolate eyes on her father.
“We could trade! Alice can have Jenny and we get Jack!” Ben suggested, rather unhelpfully.
Before they had a chance to sign their siblings over, I interrupted, “Well, it looks like you guys could get your wish.”
Alan nodded, “That’s right. How would you like it if we all lived together?”
Four pair of eyes grew wide to the point of cartoon proportions. I looked desperately at Alan, hoping he knew if this was a good sign or not. The silence was palpable. For one, heart-wrenching moment, I wondered if we had made the biggest mistake of our lives.
“Aiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!” A united squeal broke the sound barrier in the food court. If the cups weren’t made of paper, I’d bet they would have shattered. Apparently, the kids were happy.
Alan raised his hands, “Enough! Quiet! Calm down or we won’t do it!”
To my shock and awe, that worked. The kids became quiet, but their bursting smiles were unmistakable.
“We’ll explain more later,” I said slowly, “but it looks like you get new brothers and sisters.”
The shrieks were slightly softer this time. But we beat a hasty retreat before anyone could throw us out. Needless to say, we raised a few eyebrows on the bus trip as the kids announced to anyone who would listen that they were getting a new family. I suppose we were lucky that the kids didn’t think it out beyond getting new siblings.
“And my mommy and daddy, and her mommy and daddy, are all moving in together!” Alice was all smiles, explaining our situation to a very confused grandmother sitting across from us. Shit. I guess we weren’t that lucky after all.
“Alice, honey,” Alan called his daughter over to him gently. “Let’s sit down and not bother the other people on the bus, okay?” He looked at me and I just shrugged.
“You know, there are worse things…” Alan began, whispering in my ear.
I looked around, giving a weak smile to those who narrowed their eyes at me in disdain, “You mean worse than spending twenty minutes trapped on a bus full of people who think we are starting a swingers commune?” I whispered back.
“Sure,” he responded easily, “they could find the severed heads of our spouses mounted on our hotel room door knobs.”
All I could do was agree. He had a point, after all, and who was I to argue with such logic?
“So, when do we tell the kids that one mommy and one daddy won’t be part of the picture?” I mumbled in his ear.
“Someplace public, where they can’t rise up against us,” he responded, his hand closing over mine.
“Hey, they came up with the wife-swapping commune idea. Do you really think they will be too embarrassed to scream in public?” My fingers slipped around his index finger and slowly began stroking. What was my message here? Let’s come up with a brilliant plan, and oh, by the way, I’m simulating sex with your finger?
“Good point,” Alan pulled his hand from mine before we got into any more trouble with the people on the bus.
An hour later, we were watching the parade. The kids sat on the curb in front of us, arms locked around each other, while we stood behind them, reasoning out various plans to tell them the t
ruth. Dropping the bomb on them back at the hotel wouldn’t work, since the walls weren’t soundproof and our neighbors had already had a front row seat to our affair and spousal showdown. A restaurant for lunch was also ruled out.
By the time the parade was over, we had a plan. Well, a pretty pathetic one actually, but a plan nonetheless. One hour later, we were sprawled on the grass with a picnic. Alan had worked pretty hard to find the right level of isolation, while I juggled the huge, family-style lunch from the concession area.
Jenny and Alice were deep in discussion of what their joint bedroom would look like. Basically, it would be pink, with pink furniture, matching pink beds and even pink clothes in the closet. I tried to be supportive, but come on. All pink?
Alan and I listened, not really finding the perfect spot to jump in with our news. I was thrilled that the kids were happy, and didn’t relish the thought that we were about to introduce some unhappiness into the mood.
“That went well,” Alan said as he picked up the paper plates. The kids were off at the playground.
“Considering that we didn’t break the news to them, how else could it have gone?” I tossed a pile of napkins and cups into the trash can, and sat down next to him.
He nodded, “I know, I know. But the timing wasn’t right.”
“I don’t know that we should wait for the right time. I mean,” I pushed my bangs out of my eyes, “I could justify not telling them until we get home.”
Alan shook his head, “No, we should talk about it before we get home. I don’t want Susan surprising them with the news. Alice and Jack will think she doesn’t want them anymore.”
“Okay.” I hadn’t thought about that. As angry as our soon-to-be-ex-spouses were, things could get ugly. “Let’s agree to be completely professional about this.”
His eyebrows arched, “Professional? That’s an interesting word to apply to divorce.”
I made a face, “I mean, let’s agree not to badmouth Mike and Susan or make them look like villains in this. Besides being the right thing to do, it can only make our attorneys a little happier.”
The Adulterer's Unofficial Guide to Family Vacations, A Novel Page 17
