by Jeff Sims
Loid turned on the water jets and crawled into the pipe on the obstacle course. He let the fresh, clean, warm water pour over him and wash away whatever yucky things he had collected on his boots and outfit.
His bad mood drained away with the fecal material. He smiled; he had been dreading this particular mission for months and now it was finally over. Loid looked around and verified that he was alone. He stripped off all of his clothing, grabbed a hidden bar of soap, and took a traditional shower in the pipe.
After a couple of minutes, he exited the pipe and entered the desiccator. The warm, dry air and desiccant beads quickly dried him. He felt much better. Loid looked around, verified that he was still completely alone, and raced back to the start of the pipe.
He pulled fresh clothing from his hiding spot and got dressed. Finally, he grabbed the (cleaner) soiled clothing and tossed them back into the sewer. He sealed the entrance to the sewer system and covered it with a decorative planter.
At that moment, he heard some loud explosions overhead and craned his neck upward to try to locate the sound. He couldn’t, but he knew that he was nearly out of time. Soon, small crowds of people would be walking by and he didn’t want to appear suspicious.
“Mission completed,” Loid said aloud and started walking back to the hovertram.
………………
“We’re here!” Crista shouted.
Victor verified the mini-freighter Vista was secured to the landing zone and rapidly performed the shut-down sequence. Victor lowered the passenger entryway and they both walked out of the ship and down the gangway.
There was a small crowd of beings waiting for them at the bottom - about twice the normal number. There were representatives from the Solarian Navy, the local police, immigration, and of course customs.
Victor handed the official their identity cards and the freighter’s bill-of-lading. The customs official scanned the documents and scanned their palms. He returned the documents and said, “You have only one item to declare?” He said it as a sentence, a question, and an accusation.
Victor replied, “Yes. We have a ground vehicle that we purchased off-planet.”
Victor doubted that this would go well. They technically weren’t allowed to import anything from Earth except select movies and television programs. Fortunately, Victor had been around Earth lawyers long enough to learn a couple of good strategies.
Victor led the crowd around to the front of the ship and opened the primary and secondary holds. Both holds were completely empty, save for the truck sitting in the main hold. After the humans left, they completely cleaned and scrubbed both holds. Just before landing, Crista moved the truck to the front of the hold for easier inspection.
All of the officials entered the main hold. The customs agents thoroughly inspected the hold. Victor noted that this inspection was far more thorough than all of the previous inspections combined.
Eventually the agents declared the hold empty and focused on the truck. The lead official said, “I recognize this type of vehicle from a Human movie. What is it?”
Crista replied, “It’s a Durastar® straight truck, produced by Navistar International.”
The agent looked at the nameplate. It said International. He asked, “Where did you obtain the vehicle?”
Crista replied, “We purchased it on Earth. They have a great deal going right now, only 2.99% APR financing.” She sighed loudly and continued, “However, we skipped the deal and paid the full amount in Earth currency.”
The agent looked at the pair in stunned disbelief. He said, “It seems almost illegal not to take the financing option. Oh, and by the way, it is also illegal to import items from Earth.”
Victor replied, “As my wife stated, this vehicle was purchased on Earth using American dollars, which are the accepted form of currency in the location where we bought it. Further, all relevant taxes were paid to the correct local authorities.”
Crista pointed to the license plate and said, “See, we even got a license from the state of Ohio that allows us to legally drive it.”
Agent: “Okay, so you legally bought it and you can legally drive it on Earth roads. However, it is still illegal to bring it to Solaria.”
Victor: “You can buy ground vehicles from Advranki Prime and bring them to Solaria.”
Agent: “Yes, but Advranki is part of the Alliance.”
Victor: “Hiricula?”
The agent actually answered, “Yes. It is legal to purchase a Hiriculan ground vehicle provided the vehicle is registered and all applicable duties and taxes have been paid.” The agent glared at Victor. Clearly he didn’t like where this conversation was headed.
Victor steered it directly there. He said, “So what is the difference?”
Agent: “Apparently none, for now at least. So, what do you intend to with it? Drive the monstrosity around the streets?”
Crista: “We can’t drive it very far. The truck’s only fuel source is liquefied dinosaur guts.”
Agent: “That sounds hard to obtain?”
Crista: “Well, there aren’t any on dead dinosaurs on Solaria, but they are fairly common on Earth.”
Victor edged back into the conversation, “We are going to drive it to Human Town and use it for entertainment. Beings will pay a minimal fee and will be allowed to climb inside it. Plus we are going to put a small Earth museum in the back. This vehicle is going to become a popular attraction.”
Crista: “Yes, we should be charging you for the right to inspect it.”
Agent: “You can’t use a personal vehicle for profit.”
Victor: “On the contrary, this is why we purchased this particular vehicle. It is purposely designed for Humans to use to make money. It is considered a commercial vehicle.”
Victor handed the agent the brochure. He read it front to back, then back to front. Finally, he said, “I still agree with Crista, you should have used the financing option. It looks like a great deal.”
Cleared through customs, Victor and Crista loaded their luggage and the recent harvest from their space garden into the back of the truck. Victor thought that this was much easier than renting a ground vehicle or taking the hovertram.
Victor and Crista climbed into the truck and drove it out of the primary hold. He sealed the Vista and they drove the truck into a massive cargo elevator. They rode it down to the surface and exited the spaceport.
Victor turned onto the first street and felt terribly conspicuous. He imagined himself looking like a very large animal in a very tiny shop filled with expensive, but easily breakable wares. Victor knew that whomever Clowy was warning them about in her cryptic message was certainly able to follow them with ease.
Victor decided to address the collar before anyone accosted them and tried to find out what they knew. He drove the truck directly to his friend’s home, Donald Horserun. Donald was an electronics integrator and the person who built the collar. Victor explained their current predicament and asked if he could solve it by removing the collar.
Donald responded, “I can’t do that. It has a failsafe mechanism. Plus, it is technically against the law. As you should recall, the collar was a condition of her release. If it is removed, she could go into confinement and I would be considered an accessory.”
Victor asked, “Well, what can you do?”
His friend motioned Crista to a stool and opened the tiny control panel in the back of the collar. Donald adjusted a setting and said to Victor, “Now, slap yourself.”
Victor hesitated for a moment. Donald motioned him to do it. Finally, Victor relented and slapped his cheek. Crista felt the slap on her cheek, but it wasn’t nearly as painful as before.
Donald said, “I adjusted the collar to its lowest pain setting, roughly about double what Victor feels.”
Crista’s face noticeably reddened. She jumped off of the stool and yelled, “You mean this whole time that you could have adjusted the collar to a lower setting?!?”
Crista appeared as though s
he were going to punch someone, but thought better of it and loudly plopped back down on the stool. Donald waited a few moments for her to relax and asked her to lie on his electronics work table.
Crista lay face-down on the table. Victor pressed the paralyze button so that she couldn’t move her limbs. As an added precaution, Donald secured her the collar in a vice so that she couldn’t accidentally wiggle and move it.
Donald then arranged a large magnifying lens directly over the collar. He grabbed a precision drilling instrument and carefully drilled a tiny hole through the exposed circuitry and into the poison reservoir. He then took a miniature syringe and sucked the poison out of the reservoir.
Donald said, “Okay, I think I got most of poison out. You may get sick if the sensor can no longer detect Victor’s heartbeat, but now you shouldn’t die.”
For some reason this made Crista smile.
Next, he studied the chip that Lorano had inserted into the collar. He grabbed the drilling instrument and drilled a hole through the middle of the chip. He repeated the process several more times until the interior of the chip was completely removed.
The only thing left was the chip’s metal prongs. He took a pair of tweezers and carefully bent each one until it contacted another one and completed the circuit. Donald closed the collar, unparalized Crista, and helped her to her feet.
Donald said, “The collar should still be able to link to a navigation system and still send a set of coordinates. However, it will no longer send the correct coordinates. The Earth chip has been completely destroyed.”
Victor said, “Thank you. Incinerate the remains of the chip.”
Victor exited the house and saw that the truck had drawn quite a crowd. One the on-lookers asked Victor what it was.
He replied, “It is a new attraction for Human Town. This is an actual Earth truck.”
“An Earth truck from Earth?” a different one asked.
Victor replied, “Yes.”
Another asked, “Wow, where did you get it?”
Victor replied, “Earth. They had an excellent financing plan available.”
Victor and Crista climbed back into the truck and Victor carefully drove the truck towards the outskirts of Solar City and to Human Town. Crista helped by simulating stomping on the brake every time Victor got close to something or took his eyes off the road for even a micro second.
They pulled into Human Town and Victor found a perfect parking spot next to their archery range. Victor hid the keys, chocked the wheels, and disconnected the battery. Crista’s brother, who had been running the archery range in their absence, helped Victor remove the battery.
Victor created a new price guide. Now, patrons could buy tickets for either archery or a truck tour and get a small discount if they bought tickets for both attractions. That accomplished, they moved their belongings back into their apartment.
Victor spent the next hour trying to hang the Earth mirror on the wall. This was actually more difficult than it should have been. The mirror had two slots in the back. On Earth, one would simply bang two nails into the wall and align the slots over the nails.
However, on Solaria, just about everything was mounted by fusing the item to the wall. There were no mounting studs to be had; nor could he bang something into the wall. Eventually, Victor became frustrated and decided to fuse it to the wall.
He corralled Crista in front of the mirror and said, “Are you positive that this is the location where you want it? Once I fuse it to the wall, it cannot be moved, ever.”
For some reason Victor’s condescending tone bothered Crista. She replied that the exact location of the mirror was no longer a concern to her. Technically, her response was a touch more colorful and went something like, “You can shove it up your …”
Victor decided that the mirror’s current location was better than Crista’s suggested locale and fused it in place.
They spent the next two days working at their new attraction. They put a display case in the back of the truck and put several items that they had collected from Earth on display. This included towels, wash clothes, a video game console, a folding chair, and other miscellaneous items.
Both evenings they attended a celebration party in Human Town. Although the events were entertaining, neither was able to fully enjoy themselves because of Clowy’s warning - Crista especially. She spent most of her time carefully watching everyone in the crowd. However, they were neither bothered nor accosted. No one seemed to care about them.
After two full days on the planet, they decided that if anyone had wanted to question them that they would have done so by now. So, on the last night of the celebration, they decided to take the hovertram to Settler’s Monument and watch the massive fireworks display planned for the closing ceremony.
Just as they were leaving though, Crista realized that they were still white. They went back in the apartment to correct the oversight. Victor grabbed a vial of blue makeup and went to the restroom to paint himself.
Crista grabbed a second vial of blue paint and applied it in her new hallway mirror. She started applying the makeup with her index finger. However, she wasn’t entirely happy with the coverage so she switched to a brush.
She had trouble seeing the fine lines of her face without increased magnification. As a result, she had to lean close to the mirror to clearly see what she doing.
However, the mirror allowed her to see the change from white to blue in a different perspective. She was about halfway done when she noticed that her face looked strange. It was roughly half blue and half white at this point.
Her hands were the same way. She had one blue finger and the others were still white. Further, some of the make-up had spilled on her hands, giving them a weird blue/white effect. At that moment she saw herself as both human and Solarian.
She wondered aloud, “Is this the only difference between Humans and Solarians, a jar of blue paint?”
Victor finished first and asked, “How did the new mirror work.”
In reality, Crista found it less efficient than a modern, Solarian mirror. However, she refused to give Victor the satisfaction of being right. She answered, “Perfect, no problem. It is one of the best Human mirrors I have ever used. It really made me think.”
Victor pointed to her shirt. She was wearing a brown shirt with open slits at the shoulders. It was an amazing shirt for Human Town because it showed her white shoulders. However, the shirt was not appropriate for where they were going unless she also wanted to paint her shoulders. She didn’t, so she changed her shirt.
They left and attended an amazing fireworks display. They saw Clowy, Carank, and the other guests of honor, but they were unable to get near them.
………………..
Ambassador Bline was sitting in Ambassador Lone’s office. He had just finished reading the report submitted by Lone’s henchmen. Bline looked up and said, “What do you think?”
Lone replied, “Well, we didn’t get what we wanted, but we did gain some useful information.”
Bline responded, “Yes. I am rather surprised. I thought for sure that Lorano knew the route to Earth. Apparently, we were all misinformed.”
Lone quoted from the report, “Only the little blue people know the secret route. The blue people programmed the navigation system. No one else was allowed to look.”
Bline said, “Lorano must truly be a genius if they needed two vials to get him to talk. I have never heard of any Altian being able to resist after a single injection.
Lone nodded and said, “According to the report, his mental acuity was impressive. Clearly though, he is talking about Solarians”
Bline replied, “He has to be referring to Victor Bullpeep and his wife Crista.”
Lone responded, “Well, Victor Bullpeep used to travel to Earth frequently. It certainly makes sense that he was the one that figured out the adjusted route to Earth. Are you sure that he memorized it.”
Bline: “I checked his mini-freighter’s computer and lo
g files. The route isn’t there. Judging by the interrogation, Lorano clearly didn’t know it either.”
Lone: “Should I have my associates pay to visit them?”
Bline: “No, I have a better idea.” Bline picked up his communication pad and said, “Computer, please contact Jack Dogbarks. I need to renegotiate our shipping contract.”
………………
Victor and Crista Bullpeep were sound asleep when the priority message arrived. Victor hoped that it wasn’t the Alliance Senate telling him to go back to Earth. He couldn’t; the route had literally been drilled out of Crista. He sat up in bed and said, “Computer, play message.”
…It is a call from Jack Dogbarks, not a message…
Victor got out of bed, got dressed, and sonically cleaned his teeth. Five minutes later he walked to the main monitor in the apartment and said, “Computer, accept call.”
If Jack was upset that he had been kept waiting, he didn’t show it. Jack said, “Victor, old friend, how are you? Where is your beautiful wife?”
Victor wasn’t in the mood for pleasantries. He said, “What do you want Jack?”
Jack smiled and said, “Well, I have a bit of a problem and I need your help.”
“My help?” Victor asked. Crista had finished dressing and stepped up beside Victor. She waved and said, “Hello Jack.”
Jack returned the wave and smiled brightly. He replied, “Yes, your help. As you may recall, I had a contract to haul supplies from Influenla to Solaria to support the new office building that the Hiriculans are building.”
Victor said, “Yes, I seem to recall that.”
Jack: “Well, I just finished that contract and I was able to negotiate a new one.”
Victor was about to reply, but Jack waved him off. Jack continued, “I was awarded with a new shipping contract to haul two loads from Hiricula to Solaria.”
Victor did interrupt this time. He said, “What are you hauling?” He really wanted to add ‘Why are you telling me this’ but refrained. Clearly, Jack would eventually get to the point.
